Dear Diary,
Remus has been moody and secretive for a long time. According to Molly, this means he's either about the break up with me or propose. I can only hope it's the latter!
He's been sneaking around a lot, too, I couldn't help thinking he was having an affair. I confronted him about this and he told me not to be silly, he loved me with all his heart and, besides, what woman would love him?
Anyway, we've planned to go out for dinner tomorrow night, on our third year anniversary and I can't help but hope he'll propose! Me, a bride! Of course, I'll have to do something about my hair; bright pink doesn't go down well at weddings.
Maybe I'll go for black? Ah well, I'll sort it out nearer the time.
Oh, Remus has just finished making lunch, I better go!
*
The dinner was perfect. In a secluded corner of the restaurant, well-cooked food and a delicious dessert with a free bottle of wine as it was their anniversary. Remus hadn't remembered that though, he was too nervous about the proposition he was about to make.
He got down on one knee and Tonks' face lit up. He couldn't believe what he was doing. How could he throw his life away like this? All for the safety of one beautiful woman.
"Tonks...?" he said breathlessly.
"Yes?" she breathed, her eyes shimmering with happiness.
"Er...I have something to, not exactly ask, but insist that you do - for me," he told her, trying to keep a straight face - he couldn't cry, not in front of all these people.
Not in front of her.
He took her hand in his and savoured the moment. Music was playing softly from another corner of the restaurant, people were chatting and laughing all around them. The soft clinking of cutlery on plates and the nearness of her was making him dizzy. He couldn't do this; he couldn't destroy her like this. But he had to, it was best for both of them.
"Tonks, we can't do this anymore," he whispered.
She stared at him, shock lining her heart-shaped face. Then she averted his gaze, swallowed and attempted a watery smile.
"I know, but I was...I dunno, I was just hoping that you were going to propose," she said softly, still avoiding his eyes.
"Listen, Tonks, I do love you, more than you can ever know but I am not putting you in risk by marrying you. It's until death do us part, remember? I don't want death to rear its ugly head too soon."
He had expected Tonks to argue, to complain, to try to persuade him that it wasn't true. It seemed she had matured over the past three years they had spent together. Maybe she simply couldn't bring herself to argue.
"Tonks...?"
"It's alright, Remus, I understand. After tonight, you'll never have to see me again, I'll leave your life forever. I promise," she said, standing and bringing Remus with her.
She leant forward and kissed him lightly on his pale cheek and smiled softly, before collecting her coat and stepping out into the lightly snowing night. Remus was left, alone, not yet believing he had just rejected the best thing that ever happened to him.
He hadn't wanted her to leave forever. He had wanted them to continue with a friendship of sorts. He shook his head.
That wouldn't have been possible, he could see that now. He either could be with her forever or never be with her again.
Remus pulled a handful of notes out of his pocket, flung them down on the table and strode out into the night.
And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to,
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near, now I can make believe she's here.
The snow slowly turned to sleet and then to rain as Remus walked along the street, but he didn't stop and run for shelter like those around him, he continued.
Eventually, his journey took him to the park, to his favourite spot - the bench by the duck pond. He remembered the hundreds of times he and Tonks had gone there together, on picnics, out of pure randomness, in the evenings. One prominent memory was of him and Tonks dancing crazily to soundless music, ending up in the pond, still laughing.
The thought of her that night brought him back to earth and he realised what he had done was terribly wrong. But she had accepted it, hadn't she? So surely it must be right, in a way.
He watched the ducks, remembering Tonks' babbled explanations that ducks were really pointless. He realised that tears were pouring down his cheeks.
Many people strode past, newspapers or briefcases over their heads or supporting large umbrellas. Nobody stopped to ask Remus if he was alright, or if he needed any help. Then he realised that in the rain, nobody could see him cry. Why would care for a werewolf with a broken heart, anyway?
He stood up suddenly, making the world spin, and blundered in the general direction of his house.
Sometimes I walk alone at night,
When everybody else is sleeping,
I think of her, and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping,
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head.
He froze as he saw the gate leading up to his house. A robed figure was standing there. A robed figure with bright pink hair.
Remus fell forward, pulling the girl into a tight hug, mumbling over and over how sorry he was and kissing her sweet face.
The woman pulled away, staring at him with wide green eyes. Wait a second, Tonks' eyes had never been green. The woman shoved a magazine into his hand before running off.
It was only then that Remus noticed that her hair was a dyed pink and she was wearing rags, not robes. She was a beggar woman, selling magazines for money.
Remus dropped the soggy magazine to the floor and sunk down onto the pavement, too tired to cry. He looked around him. The rain and his tear stained, blurry vision was making the pavement shine a beautiful glittery colour. He marvelled at the beauty of the world. A beauty he never belonged to and never could.
In the rain, the pavement shines like silver,
All the lights, are misty in the river,
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is her and me forever and forever.
He looked up suddenly, like an invisible force was pulling him, he stood. In front of him stood his bride, Tonks.
Beautiful with pitch black hair, shocking blue eyes and she was wearing a wedding dress.
He knew he was hallucinating, but he didn't care. As long as he could be with Tonks, he didn't care.
Remus smiled dopily and looked down at himself, he was wearing a tuxedo. He realised that this was their wedding, they were married and it was time for them to dance. He had always been a good dancer.
He grasped her hand with one of his and placed the other on her hip. And they danced. Tonks looked truly radiant, her smile illuminating her heart shaped face. And Remus felt happier, happier than he had ever done in his life. If there was a heaven, this was it.
The invisible music stopped and Remus leaned forward to kiss her. She vanished. Remus was left alone, in his shabby dinner suit, holding thin air.
"What am I doing?" he asked himself.
He was going crazy. He had been without her for less than an hour and already he was going insane. He had to get rid of her, purge himself of the happiness somehow haunting his past.
Remus rushed inside and dragged everything he could find that reminded him of her. It wasn't hard, seeing as she had lived there for two years.
He then dropped them on the middle of their bed and dragged some old cardboard boxes out from the garage. Scooping Tonks’ belongings into his arms, he pushed them off the bed and into the boxes before pulling the brimming cardboard into his lounge.
And I know, it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself, and not to her,
And although, I know that she is kind,
Still I say, there's no way for us.
Remus stood, suitably worn out and surrounded only by his memories. He looked around him. There was hardly anything left. His shabby sofa still stood, as did his Muggle electronics. The usually adorned walls, however, were bare and the only shelves and cupboards containing anything were where his books were.
Everything reminded him of her. Her cheery "Wotcher, Remus!", her bright smile, the way she kissed him whenever she saw him, how perfect their lives were together.
But something had not been right. They received weird looks whenever they held hands in public, because of the age difference. Tonks had wanted children, he did too, but deep down he had known that was never going to be possible. It just wouldn't be fair, he was so much older and wouldn't be there to see them grow up.
Besides, he was a werewolf. Who knew what hereditary disease he could stain his children’s blood with?
It was then that he finally broke down completely, falling to the floor, his hands cupping his aching head, rocking backwards and forwards over and over and over again, as if he could numb the eternal pain by doing so.
I love her,
But when the night is over, she is gone,
The river's just a river,
Without her, the world around me changes,
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
His very memories of her were poisoned. Instead of the hopeful youngish couple they had been, he saw himself as a wrinkled old man, her as a mere child, bubbly and bright and laughing mockingly as he struggled to join in with her fun.
Remus then knew that they had never been as perfect as they had believed. They had never been truly in love, he had seen how she glanced casually at men her age, and he was sure she had caught him comparing her to women like him. Maybe true love was simply impossible.
He also knew that his grief and endless remorse was stopping him from seeing the way they had truly been, the way they had always believed themselves to be. He didn't care though; he just wanted the pain to stop! All this numbness and sadness had to stop, had to end. He had to make it stop!
And how could she have just left him? How had she been so easily persuaded? The Tonks he knew had been bright and determined, so full of pride, she would never have given into something she believed so strongly in. Maybe she didn't love him as much as she proclaimed. Maybe she had been seeing somebody else.
He had to make it stop! She was fine without him, she always would be, he had to be as strong. He had to!
I love her,
But everyday I'm learning,
All my life, I've only been pretending!
Without me, her world will go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness that I can never know!
Rejuvenated by his thoughts, Remus dragged himself to his feet and into his bedroom. He sat on their bed, breathing heavily and trying to calm himself. He was the collected, serious, never unnerved Remus John Lupin, he had to stick to his reputation. It was the only way he was going to survive.
He flipped his shoes off and swung himself fully onto the bed. It was only then that he noticed a beautifully intricate card. Remus grabbed it and yanked it open.
"Dearest, darling Remus,
I put a spell on this card to make it appear on your side of the bed on our third anniversary, so I didn't forget! Hopefully, we're snuggled up in bed together and this has just landed on your face, woken you and made you yell in surprise!
I bet I'll be laughing hysterically as you read this. Well, Happy Anniversary, my dear Remus, I just want you to know that I love you more than the world, always have done and always will do.
All my love,
Tonks xxx"
Remus yelled in pain. How could the world play such a cruel trick on him? How could fate cause this to appear, tonight of all nights? After all that had happened!
He sobbed harder, ripping the card once, twice, thrice, before throwing it to the floor.
Remus pulled himself fully into the bed and yanked the duvet over his head, hiding away from the world. Hiding away from her. Forever.
I love her, I love her, I love her,
But only on my own...
*
Epilogue
Later that year, Tonks flew to France, where she discarded her wand and began a new life away from Remus as a Muggle writer.
Remus never awoke from his desperate slumber the night of their separation. It was discovered that he died quickly and painlessly in his sleep. He was distraught and his death that night, rumoured to be of heartbreak, was the easiest way for him to go.
Twenty years later, Tonks found an album of her and Remus and, not knowing he was dead, decided to seek him out. She was killed when her plane from France to Scotland was struck by an incredibly strong storm and was brought down into the sea.
It is hoped that the lovers found peace and harmony and a way they could finally be together in another world, better than the one they left years too soon.
On My Own by JC_Cainstone
Chapter Notes: The last chapter! I hope you all enjoy. The lyrics are once again "On My Own" by Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and Herbert Kretzmer as they were for the first chapter. This time I've slightly adjusted the words to make it fit in better. Finally, my sincere apologies to Karin of MNFF staff for making so many stupid mistakes. Enjoy.