Chapter 6: Home
After the ceremony, everything seemed to move extremely quickly. The congregation was herded upstairs where the reception was to be held while the wedding party along with the Weasleys and the Grangers were held back to take photos. Harry had found the whole process of sitting for the multitude of pictures to be positively chaotic. It was one thing that he had been manhandled every few moments to be placed in one configuration or another, but it was a completely different annoyance that the few chances he had to rest out of the camera's eye, someone was constantly trying to bend his ear. Where had he been? To which he always answered, "long story.” Was he okay? To which he always answered, "I'm fine." And of course there were the tentative questions about Ginny that he didn't answer at all.
What made it all worse was the fact that the people Harry really wanted to talk to were the same people he had the least opportunity to visit with. In a rare free moment, Hermione had hugged Harry excitedly, but was only able to manage, "You don't know how much it means to me that you're here, Harry," before the photographer had grabbed her by the elbow. While both Ron and Hermione had made it clear that they were trying to catch up with their best friend, however, Ginny had continued to stonewall him.
She had looped her arm around his when asked, and provided a heart-shattering smile at every snap, but the moment the camera was off of them, it was as if Harry ceased to exist to her. Thankfully, the picture session didn't last too long, and the party had made its way around yet another immense hall and up a great set of stone stairs. Harry walked next to a glowing Ron and Hermione as they clasped hands, nearly incapable of peeling his eyes away from the sight of Ginny walking side by side with Luna a little ways ahead.
The three friends had fallen into conversation almost immediately, and the fact that the newlyweds had accepted Harry back so readily had lifted his spirits higher than he could ever remember being. Though, he had to admit, it had also made him feel a little bit like a fool. Upon their constant prodding, Harry had given them a very condensed version of his summer, telling them about his job at the warehouse, and his weekly visits to his parents' graves, but tactfully omitting the other part of his weekly routine that included his invisible trips to the Burrow.
Not long after Harry had finished his story, both Ron and Hermione had taken it in turn to heap apologies on him for not telling him about the engagement until they did. Just as he had done when it was just he and Ron, Harry had reassured the newlyweds that it was okay. "Besides," Harry grinned at them. "I think I already knew."
"What?" Ron and Hermione gaped in unison.
"Remember the fifth Horcrux?" Harry asked them, and all three of them stopped. Ron shuddered uncomfortably. All of the Horcruxes were, in their own way, terrifying, but the fifth one was probably the worst. Judging by Ron's reaction, Harry could easily guess that for him, there was no probably about it. Hermione just looked away. "Well, when I was carrying you back Hermione. Your robes were in pretty bad shape, and I saw it; the ring. I guess it wasn't very hard to figure everything out after that."
Harry fell silent, remembering what that ring had meant to him. If he had glimpsed it at any other time, he might have felt hurt, but carrying a nearly dead Hermione in his arms had given him a different perspective. Forgetting what the loss of his best friend may do to him, he had panicked at the thought of what losing her would do to Ron. Out of breath, and nearly out of hope, the only thing that kept pushing Harry at the time was a single thought that repeated in his head over and over again, They are going to get married. They are going to get married. I won't let anything get in the way of that. They are going to get married...
"I didn't say anything. Didn't want you two to feel like you had to explain, but I knew. And really, it's okay. I think... I think I knew what you were trying to do, and I appreciate it." Harry offered them a warm smile as they stared back at him guiltily.
"Look," he finally said as they neared the reception hall. Stepping in front of both of them, he put a hand on each of their shoulders and said, “This is the kind of thing we fought for, wasn't it? Seeing that ring, Hermione, was what gave me what I needed to get you to safety. I needed to see you two married, and happy, okay? So, please, don't worry about it. I can't tell you how happy I am you two are married. Well, I could, but I haven't had time to prepare a speech and if I said anything more right now, I'd be wasting material.”
"Now I'm going to go in there, take my seat, and try and keep the twins from sabotaging the rest of the event. You two have an entrance to make, alright?"
For a second they stared at each other, and then all at once they collided in a fierce hug. When Harry had let them go, Ron's cheeks were scarlet, and Hermione's eyes were wet, and they both gave him very grateful looks. "Okay then," he said, smiling, and walked into the reception hall.
And make an entrance the newlyweds did. To much applause Ron escorted Hermione through the hall, both of them glowing and positively giddy as they took the seats of honor at the head table. Thankfully, Harry thought, between Ginny and himself. An army of smartly dressed witches and wizards had appeared out of nowhere, laden with trays upon trays of wonderful smelling food, and a thought struck Harry that made him smile. Of course. Hermione would never agree to house elves, would she?
The food was wonderful; roasted duck, shepherd's pie, jacket potatoes, snow peas, and what seemed like dozens of other dishes Harry knew he would never have the room to even try. Tucking in enthusiastically, Harry had kind of hoped that everyone would forget about his most important duty as best man, but Fred had taken it upon himself to nudge Harry very hard in the ribs several times to remind him.
As nervous and ill prepared as he was about the speech, Harry still managed to somehow get through it. He had started off by taking the mickey out of the happy couple, first ribbing them for taking so long to figure out what everyone else around them had known for ages, and wrapping up by mentioning how he would have liked to think that them being married meant Harry could finally get some peace and quiet, but in all likelihood, they would be bickering loudly and happily right on in to old age. The audience had laughed both knowingly and appreciatively, and Harry let the din die down to a few light chuckles before continuing on.
"Not to change the subject, but… I know a lot of you have been wondering where I've been for the last few months… but I can't tell you. It really would take too long, and this isn't my day, it's theirs," he said, motioning towards Ron and Hermione. "What I can say... what I need to say is that I was lost. I was confused, alone, and scared to death. During the last three months, I think I was at the lowest point in my life, and… and that's saying something."
Here, Harry paused as he pulled something out of his pocket. Showing it to the entire audience, he continued, "And then someone sent me a lifeline. My two best friends had called me back. Just like for the entire time I've known them, when I needed them both the most, they found me. They saved me… again." Harry put the paper back in his pocket and turned to Ron and Hermione. They looked back at him, their hands clenched, their faces full of emotion.
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. You're not my best friends… you're my family, and I can't tell you how much you both mean to me. So… congratulations… and thank you. Cheers!" He drained his flute of champagne to the sound of hearty applause.
As he went to take his seat, his eyes caught Ginny's and she again adopted the face that she had reserved just for him. Desperately he tried to tell her with his eyes that she played just as big a part in his homecoming, if not bigger, but as her face remained rigid, he knew his attempt was a failure. Sitting again, Harry had just begun to feel a slight ache in his heart when he felt Ron slap him hard on the back.
"Anytime," was all his best friend had said.
**
The feast was followed by the cake cutting ceremony. Nervously Ron took a great deal of care to neatly feed Hermione a bite of cake, whilst Hermione had returned the favor by smearing Ron's face thoroughly. As she helped clean off her new husband's face, a few witches and wizards had made all the dining tables and most of the chairs disappear, converting the dining hall into a ballroom.
Hermione had scarcely finished with the last bits of icing from Ron's face when the band had struck up a beautiful song. Again Harry's ears were filled with what seemed like the strumming of hundreds of guitars as he watched Ron escort Hermione onto the dance floor. Everyone watched as they swayed to the music, their eyes locked on each other's in pure adoration. He watched as Hermione's lips mouthed, "I love you," and Ron answered her with a kiss.
Harry's mind had taken him back to a year previously, to a different wedding, and a smile played on his lips. Had it really been only a year since the infamous row that had finally ended with them kissing? And here they were, clutching each other furiously as if the other might disappear if they only let go for a second.
"Wish I could say they were making me sick," Harry heard George say in his ear.
"But it is kind of nice," Fred finished in Harry's other ear. Harry smiled.
"Could've been Lavender," George pondered, and Fred shuddered.
"No, our ickle Ronniekins did alright for himself, didn't he?" Harry nodded at this.
He continued to watch them, warmed by the love they shared and yet stricken with a sense of loss at his own yearnings. As if on cue, he watched Ginny step onto the floor, and heard Fred say, "That's your cue, mate."
"What? I have to dance with Ginny?" he asked in a panic.
"No," George sighed impatiently. "Hermione. Best Man and Maid of Honor dance with the bride and groom. It's tradition."
"Thanks," Harry said as he let out a very relieved breath. The entire time he made his way to the couple, he had a very hard time taking his eyes off of Ginny. Occasionally she would glance at him, but for the most part, she didn't take her eyes off of the newlyweds.
She had gotten there first, and tapped Hermione on the back. It seemed as though the two didn't want to separate, but they eventually did, and Hermione had turned around to give her new sister-in-law a warm embrace. This had given Harry ample time to reach the small group, and when Ginny had let go of Hermione in favor of Ron, he was already standing there with his hand outstretched.
"Harry!" she squealed, bypassing his hand and enveloping him in a hug. "Goodness! I finally get some time with you. I'm married, can you believe it?” At this, Harry could only nod and smile.
They had started to dance to the music, and when Hermione had caught her breath, she began again, a little more slowly, and in a slightly more normal tone. "I'm really glad you came, Harry. I missed you so much."
"Well, I missed you too," he said.
"Then why," she started to ask a little disapprovingly. "Did you stay gone for so long?"
"Being a bit of an idiot I suppose."
"Of course," she smiled at him. "But I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it?"
”Doesn't it?” he asked nervously.
“What do you mean?” she asked in return as she gave Harry a confused look.
“It's just… well… I didn't really expect this warm of a welcome.”
“Oh Harry,” she smiled at him. “You said it yourself. We're your family. Of course we were worried. Ron wanted to go after you…”
“Really?” Harry interrupted, a little amused.
“What?”
“Oh, he said that he knew I needed time, and that I would come back eventually.” At this Hermione laughed, causing Harry's brow to furrow in confusion. “What's so funny?”
“Let's just say that he didn't come to that conclusion on his own, shall we?” she answered with a very knowing look on her face. Harry laughed.
“So everyone's really okay with all of this. You lot aren't waiting until afterwards to hex me or something?”
“For the most part,” she said. “I can't speak for everyone, though,” she added, glancing at Ginny. Harry felt very uncomfortable all of a sudden as he was reminded that Ginny didn't seem as willing to take Harry back as everyone else. Trying to get back on better footing, Harry changed the subject.
“Everything's been amazing, I mean, it's so much,” he remarked, trying to sound casual.
“Oh, I know, I didn't expect any of it at first, but…”
“But what?”
“Well, after it was finished… You know the Prophet, they had to have their celebrities, didn't they? You had left. That didn't stop them from writing loads of articles about you, of course, but I guess they lacked punch with you away. So, I guess, they decided to turn Ron and I into heroes as well.”
“It was all very strange at first, I have to admit. We couldn't go anywhere in public without people asking us what happened, shaking our hands, and begging for autographs. It was embarrassing at first, but then it got annoying.”
“Then about a month ago, and I still don't know how it happened, it got out that Ron and I were getting married. Oh, Harry, you have no idea. Owls started coming in non-stop, all of them from witches and wizards begging to be invited to the wedding. Finally, just so we could get some sleep, we decided to make it an open ceremony.”
“We couldn't have the wedding at the Burrow anymore like we wanted, so we settled on this place,” Hermione explained.
“What is this place, anyway? When I got here… I thought I got the address wrong,” Harry said, the memory of sitting on the rustic front porch of the shack still fresh in his mind.
“Oh, that,” Hermione chuckled. “Well, this is a very old wizarding cathedral. To keep Muggles away, the builders used the same kind of magic that the tents we slept in at the Quidditch World Cup used.”
“So that's why…”
“All you saw when you got here was an old shack, yes”
“That makes sense,” Harry mused. “But what about the rings and the robes? Those had to have cost a fortune.”
“Those didn't cost us anything at all,” Hermione said matter-of-factly.
“You're joking.”
“No, I'm not. We went to buy the rings first at a jeweler in Hogsmeade. We didn't have that much money to go with, so we tried to buy one of the cheapest sets in the shop, but the owner insisted we take his most expensive set. Same thing happened when we got to Madame Malkin's for the robes. Before we had a chance to look for fifteen minutes she was measuring us up for these. They're one of a kind, you know.”
“Well, it's good she did. You… you look beautiful Hermione,” he said truthfully.
“Really?”
"Most beautiful girl here," he affirmed warmly.
"Liar," she teased him with a sly look on her face.
"No, really," he lied.
"So," she said, her smile getting bigger. "You mean to tell me I'm prettier than a certain new sister-in-law of mine?" Knowing she had him dead to rights, Harry didn't answer. Silence followed, and despite any attempts not to, Harry's head turned to see Ginny dancing with her brother. They were laughing as they chatted idly, and, knowing he couldn't avoid this topic any longer, Harry sighed.
"Have you talked to her yet?" Hermione asked, and Harry grimaced in answer. "Harry, you know you have to. I think your little holiday was hardest on her. She wouldn't let on, of course, but I've spent half of the summer sharing a room with her. She may not have cried when I was around, but I still know."
Harry turned back to look at Hermione, and she really did look worried. He squeezed her hand and said, "I know. I even think I know what I'm going to say. It's just that I'm scared. Scared that she'll…"
"Hex you?"
"No, I expect that," he said truthfully. "I'm scared she won't…"
"Take you back," Hermione finished for him, seeing how hard the words were for him to say. "You won't know until you try, Harry."
"I get that now," he assured her. "Doesn't make things any easier, does it?"
Hermione patted his back reassuringly. "It'll work out, trust me. It won't be easy but… Oh no!"
"What is it?" Harry asked, his eyes wide, his muscles already tensing.
"The twins!" Hermione squeaked. "I have to dance with them, and they're both coming at once! Hide me!"
"Hermione, we're the only ones out on the dance floor. There's nowhere to hide you."
"I know," she said resignedly, her eyes fixated on a point just beyond Harry's shoulder. "But they're going to do something awful, just watch."
Harry didn't have to wait long as he felt a tap at both of his shoulders. He turned to see the twins both grinning wickedly, and, much to Hermione's dismay, Harry ceded the floor to them.
As Harry stepped off the dance floor, he noticed that other couples had tentatively joined in. Hermione was correct in thinking that Fred and George were going to be awful, as they both danced wildly (and a little too suggestively) around her, sending the partygoers around them into fits of laughter. After a bit, even Hermione had started laughing.
Trying to collect himself for the last thing Harry knew he had to do that day, he searched for a quiet corner. He thought he had just found the perfect spot, a shadowy corner by the punch bowl, when he heard a familiar voice say, "Welcome back, Harry."
"Lupin?" he asked, a little taken aback. Remus Lupin neared Harry looking much stronger and healthier than Harry had ever remembered seeing him. It may have been an effect of the dress robes, or it could have been a result of the very pregnant Nymphadora following him. Either way, Harry marveled at how good he looked.
"Wotcha Harry? Had a long enough holiday?" she said running a hand through her bubble gum pink hair.
"You know, I've gotten that a lot today," Harry replied in an embarrassed tone.
"Serves you right," Lupin scolded him, though not unkindly. With a slight wink, he added, "A lot of people wondered where you were, myself included."
At this Harry leaned in close and whispered to his old professor, "Thanks for… um… letting me stay there for a bit." Lupin simply clapped Harry on the shoulder and nodded knowingly.
Lupin and Tonks (though this was no longer her last name, she still insisted on being called that) had caught Harry up on the pregnancy and the names they were thinking of using. He had felt particularly sharp stabs as the names James, Sirius, and even Harry were mentioned. They then shifted into other goings on since Harry had been gone, and as they did, other faces Harry recognized had maneuvered their way towards them.
Seamus Finnigan, and Justin Finch-Fletchly had welcomed Harry first, followed by several members of Harry's old Quidditch team. Katie Bell had gotten engaged since the war, and Alicia Spinnet had been tapped to join Oliver Wood for Puddlemere United. All in all, Harry's quiet little corner had started to turn out not so quiet, and when he thought he was in danger of entertaining half of the entire party, he tried to find a way to sneak away when another familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Good to see you took my advice, Harry."
He spun around to see the iron gray hair, and perfectly shaved jowls of Simon Jacobs standing in front of him.
"Mr. Ja… Simon?" Before Mr. Jacobs could reply, the wind was knocked out of Harry by a shorter woman with equally iron gray hair. "Hullo Tabby," he said, hugging her back when he felt like he could move without dislodging a rib.
She had fussed over him for a short bit until Mr. Jacobs had stopped her. "Give him a break, Tabby. He's fine. He's here isn't he?"
"So, I guess you told her about everything?" Harry asked, and again, Mr. Jacobs had scarcely got out his reply before his wife took over.
"Oh, he told me everything, alright. Can't say I believed him. Who would? But then he takes me out shopping and got me these," she flourished her dress robes. "And the next thing I know, we're standing outside this rundown shack that turns into a bleeding castle when you walk through the door!"
Harry leaned in towards her. "I know, that bit got me too."
She chuckled appreciatively just as Harry heard Lupin's voice call out over the din. "SIMON! Is that you? I don't believe it!" and amid all the people, Lupin and Jacobs had met each other and embraced. Wives were introduced, and back-stories told, and Harry was enjoying the site of old friends reunited when he was brought back into the conversation.
"So, Harry," Jacobs had said. "How does it feel to be back home?" Harry had started to answer, but then he felt something catch in his throat. A flash of red hair had caught his eye through the crowd, and he felt his heart race. The whole while, Remus, Tonks, Simon, and Tabby stared at him expectedly, but it took Harry a full minute to realize it.
Simon had asked the question again and Harry flinched. Looking back at the expectant people, Harry cleared his throat, and looking for that flash of red again, he answered. "I'm… I'm not quite there yet… E-Excuse me."
Harry pushed through the crowd, a sense of urgency overtaking him. Twice he thought he saw that hair again, only to find that it belonged to another Weasley, not the one he needed right then. It wasn't until a faint, flowery smell hit his nostrils that he knew he had found her. There, talking to a very flush Hermione, and an absentminded Luna Lovegood, was Ginny.
Hermione had seen Harry first, followed by Luna. Holding a cup of punch, Ginny continued telling her story when Hermione tugged at her elbow and nodded in Harry's direction. When he reached her, he didn't say anything. He didn't dare smile at her. All he could do was hold his hand out to her.
She looked straight at him, her face immediately adopting the same stony expression he had seen all day. Just when Harry had decided she wouldn't dance with him, he watched in amazement as she handed her punch to Luna, and silently slipped her hand into his.
The moment they touched, Harry's body began to buzz. He didn't care if she was angry at him, or even if she hated him now. Her hand was in his of her own free will, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, he was alive.
Guiding her to the middle of the floor, he stopped, waiting for a new song to begin. She faced him, her eyes now locked onto his. He had intended to dance properly with her, one hand clasped to hers, the other hand gently at her waist, but the moment the deep, soulful guitar picked out a painfully beautiful tune, Harry knew he could not resist.
When the music started, Harry felt Ginny move gracefully against him, her eyes killing him slowly as she danced. Vaguely aware that his feet were moving too, his hand let go of hers, slowly making its way down along her side, remembering the feel of her beneath his fingertips before finding his other hand and letting his fingers lace at the small of her back.
As he pulled her closer, he was surprised at the fact that she did not resist. Indeed her free hand had worked its way up his arm, her thumb grazing the back of his neck in a way that made him shiver as he felt her hands clasp each other. Timidly, as if rediscovering each other, their bodies pressed gradually closer, the warmth and the pressure of her presence making Harry's head spin. And then she broke her gaze.
In a move that shocked Harry quite a lot, Ginny rested her head on his chest, and the simple gesture made his heart feel as though it would explode. His grip on her tightened, and he felt her hands splay themselves flat on his back, pressing him down onto her. When she looked back up into his eyes, her face was still expressionless, but now only inches away. She was close enough to kiss, and somehow Harry knew that if he just closed that last tiny insignificant gap, she would let him. The softness and warmth of her breath teased his lips, making them tingle in anticipation. He wanted nothing more than to finish it, kiss her right there, but he knew he couldn't. Not yet.
And so, partly to keep his resolve, he pulled away. At this slight motion, he thought he saw her face crack for just the briefest moment, but before he was sure what he was looking at, the stony mask was back. Despite every other part of her telling him with heat and gentle grazes that he was where he needed to be, that face remained a flashing warning sign.
Just when Harry was thinking he couldn't stand it any longer, the music stopped. So did Ginny's dancing, her feet locking up almost instantly. As couples milled about, changed partners, and waited for another song to begin, Harry and Ginny just stared at each other. He couldn't move. He didn't want to move. The way she was looking at him, if he let her go now, she may never let him hold her again, and that just wasn't acceptable. Finally, his mind found a compromise, and he kept his eyes on hers as he nodded his head vaguely away from the dance floor.
Ginny seemed to catch the meaning of his signal as she nodded. Not willing to spend a second not touching her, at least not until they were somewhere safe, Harry took one of her hands from the back of his neck, and led her off the dance floor, and out of the ballroom.
Halls. The stupid palace was filled with stupid, gigantic, maze-like halls, and Harry hadn't the foggiest idea where he was taking her. Occasionally he would run across a secluded looking corner, but just as he would decide that that would be the spot, a couple of party goers would come from the other way, ruining it. He had wanted to ask Ginny, whom he was sure knew the place better than he did, but somehow he felt as though talking was probably not the best of ideas right now.
Without realizing it, he had broken into a run, Ginny's heels clacking behind him loudly. His determination to find the right place had grown into a panicked frenzy and when the right spot came, he almost missed it.
Skidding to a halt, Ginny in tow, Harry backtracked to a faint patch of light unlike that cast by the chandeliers that had poured into the hall. There, right off of the hallway, was a wide stone balcony overlooking the countryside. Night had fallen, and thanks to a cloudless sky, the stars were shining brilliantly alongside a sharp white crescent moon. Harry smiled to himself. Perfect.
Pulling Ginny out onto the balcony, Harry felt her hand let go of his, and he stopped. A little put off by the break in contact, he spun around. There was a flash, and Harry hadn't the time to duck or dodge as Ginny's palm slapped him full force across the face.
WHACK!
"Ow!" he winced, his hand jumping to his hot, pulsating cheek. He deserved this, he knew, but that didn't take the sting away any.
"WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!" she shrieked at him, her face crimson with fury. "WHAT? Didya think that after everything you've put me through you could just make it all better with one lousy dance? HUH? ANSWER ME!"
"No, I…" Harry stammered, but Ginny cut him off.
"You bastard. You bloody bastard. You LEFT ME! You… You promised me you would come back, and you DIDN'T!" she roared at him, tears flying furiously from her eyes as she pointed at him. "You had my family worried SICK! Mum was a complete WRECK! She was worse off than when Percy had left us for the ministry, you… you,” and, unable to find the right word, Ginny growled in a combination of rage and frustration. “And then… and then…" she seethed at him, her shoulders heaving in anger. Ginny took a second as her face contorted into a mixture of utter bewilderment and disgust before continuing on.
"Stalking? You were bloody STALKING us?" This hit Harry harder than Ginny's palm just a moment ago, and he felt his mouth fall open uselessly.
"You… you knew about that?" he stammered, unable to comprehend the idea that Ginny had caught him during his weekend routine.
"Of course I knew!" she yelled at him.
"But how…"
"You're such a prat, Harry! You could hide under every invisibility cloak in the world and it wouldn't matter. I don't need to see you, or hear you. I can bloody well FEEL you!" She was trembling as she explained this, her eyes narrowed to slits, her fists clenched, her breaths coming out in sharp, steaming puffs. The murderous looking Ginny before him, coupled with the revelation she had just given him, had forced a deep heavy pit into Harry's stomach. A further realization hit him, and he somehow found the nerve to speak.
"So… all those times you went out for air…"
"Yes, Harry! I went out for you, to be near you," her voice now came at a lower volume, but was no less dangerous than before. "And at first, I was okay with it. Maybe you needed time, I would tell myself. Maybe this would be the time you would come out from under that stupid cloak, I would hope every single Saturday. But it never happened, and I…" The fury in her face had at once all but drained, replaced by complete anguish. Her body shook with sobs as she buried her face in her hands, and all Harry wanted to do was wrap her arms around her and comfort her, but something inside of him knew that she wasn't just dangerous right now, she was deadly.
"And I," she sobbed into her hands. "Like an idiot… I waited for you. And I began to think that maybe… maybe I wasn't enough for y-you to come back to." She looked up into Harry's eyes and he felt as though something was squeezing his heart as she asked in a terrifyingly weak voice, "Was that it, Harry? Was I not… not enough?"
"Of course not," he rushed, his voice cracking. The look of hurt on Ginny's face was killing him and he couldn't take it.
"THEN TELL ME!" she screamed at him. "I NEED AN EXPLANATION!"
He flinched. He had gotten this far, thought he knew what he was going to say, but now standing face to face with the girl he loved staring daggers into him had rendered him incapable of anything. Trying to get control of the situation, or at least himself, he turned away from her, bracing himself against the stone railing of the balcony for support.
He could feel her dangerous eyes on him, and for better or worse, he forced himself to speak if only to keep her from attacking him. "You can't understand…"
"NO!" she bellowed at him, and he spun around. "You don't get to use that one anymore, HARRY! I'm SICK of it! You always do that. Well you know what, Harry? The only thing that stands in the way of people understanding you is YOU!"
"Will you let me FINISH?" he snapped at her, part of him hoping to make her flinch too. When she stood resolutely up to him, however, Harry cowed, a feeling of shame pouring over him. This wasn't her fault, it was his, and she had every right to be angry.
"Fine!" she huffed, folding her arms and staring expectantly at him. Harry let a few moments of silence pass between them before he tried again.
"You can't understand what it's like to k… kill someone. Not until you've done it," he said, watching as Ginny's jaw clenched at the word "understand.” "I didn't even understand it, and I thought I knew what I was getting into."
Harry eased himself to the floor, leaning his back against one of the stone supports for the rail behind him. He tried to look at Ginny as he spoke, but found that every time he did, the words would get stuck in his throat. So instead, he stared at the floor between his feet, and tried to explain why he had to leave for so long.
"I didn't know what to expect, not really. But from the way everyone spoke, it seemed that after it was finished, I should have been happy, or something like it. Relieved maybe? I don't know. Thing is, when it was over… When I killed him… I felt sick. Literally. I mean I threw up. And I didn't understand why."
"Killing Voldemort was what I was supposed to do. It was supposed to be a good thing, and he was a monster, and I would be saving lives and everything. But that's not what I felt. I didn't even feel like I killed a monster. In a way, I felt like I had become the monster."
"But Harry that's just…" Ginny said quietly, but Harry held up a hand to stop her.
"When he was dead, I didn't see Voldemort, you know? I saw Tom, Tom Riddle. And not the Tom that killed Moaning Myrtle, or set up Hagrid, or possessed y-you. But the boy Tom Riddle. Just some lonely orphan whose parents never loved him."
"From the moment I found I was a wizard, Ginny, I found people who were willing to be my friends, people who were willing to take me in, and people who loved me. The Tom I saw on that night never had any of those things, and when I realized what I had done… it made me feel ill. It made me feel like a murderer."
"Even that realization I think I could have lived with, but… but what scared me the most wasn't knowing what I had become. It was other people figuring it out. Sure the Prophet would probably call me a hero, but I wouldn't care. The whole wizarding world could call me hero or killer and it wouldn't matter much to me. What I cared about were the people I loved. What frightened me, Ginny, is that Ron and Hermione would figure out what I had become. That your Mum would realize the real meaning of what I had done. That you… you would start to see me as a… a killer."
"That's stupid," Ginny commented softly, sitting down against another pillar close by. Harry turned towards her, forcing his eyes to meet hers so she could understand.
"I know it's stupid! But that's how I felt, and I couldn't change it!" he said. "So I took the same path Voldemort took in my first year at Hogwarts. I chose a half life, a shadow of a life. At the time I figured it was better, safer, to run away and keep breathing then to come home and risk you finding out because…"
A lump formed in Harry's throat and he had to stop talking for a moment as he tried to swallow it down. Shakily, when he thought he could manage it again, Harry continued, "Because if you turned away from me, I think… it felt like… I would die."
He wanted her to come closer to him, to offer her arms in comfort, to hold him, but she remained still, her face unreadable with the exception of an almost undetectable sadness in her eyes. She was going to make him finish, and when he realized this, he continued.
"So I ran. I got a normal, Muggle flat with a normal Muggle job, and I swore to myself not to do magic again."
"Why would you swear off magic?"
"Because I had to have something to blame, didn't I? It made it a little easier if I could blame magic for everything that happened. After all, if it weren't for magic, my parents might still be alive, and Dumbledore, and Sirius, and everyone. I would have never had to kill Voldemort if it weren't for magic. It's silly to say now, I know, but at the time… it helped." Harry gave a bitter chuckle.
"But I couldn't keep that promise either. The first week I worked, everything went fine. I had these nightmares, and they were terrible, but when I was awake… well, maybe I wasn't really alive, but I could function. It was the first weekend that did me in. There, alone in my flat, I could only think about three things; Tom, my parents, and… you."
"And that's when the visits started. As much as I wanted to stay away, as much as I'd convinced myself it was for the best, I couldn't do it. So… that's when I started to come over on the weekends. And you would come out to meet me, and while in my nightmares I would do the most terrible things, in those afternoons… Ginny, you don't know how many times I held you in my arms during those afternoons, if only in my head. And then there was my birthday…"
"That was probably the worst day of my life. Between forgetting my own birthday, the wedding invitation, and watching you cry, I was completely lost. I wanted to come home so badly, but the dreams were getting worse, and I wasn't just afraid of what you would think of me anymore. I was becoming afraid of what I would do. In my best dreams, Ginny, I was the murderer of Tom Riddle. In my worst dreams…" Harry let the silence finish the sentence for him, unable to repeat the terrible things he had done in his worst nightmares. Even now the images of him killing his best friends tried to force their way into his mind, but he squeezed them out with all of his will. Ginny seemed to understand as her face grew worrisome.
"Did you think you would… hurt us?" she asked, and Harry nodded.
Shaking his head and trying to get back on track, Harry said, "But the wedding invitation wasn't the only lifeline I got that day. Do you remember this?" From a pocket in his dress robes, Harry revealed the small picture of himself with Ginny, Ron, and Hermione. Ginny took it in her hands and seeing what it was, nodded slightly.
"I… It was supposed to be…" she mumbled. Her mouth continued to open and close a few more times before she finally looked back at Harry. "Do you… still wear it?"
Harry nodded, and when he did, Ginny inched toward him. Without a word, she again sent tingles through his body as she reached behind his neck, her fingers searching for the tiny chain. When she found it, she tugged, revealing the tiny locket that lay hidden beneath Harry's robes. Her fingers fumbled with the clasp, and Harry heard her sniff as she did so. The locket now open, Ginny removed one of the pictures inside so that all that was left was the image of Harry and Ginny sharing their first kiss, and she replaced it with the new picture Harry had given her. Her work done, Ginny closed the locket back up, and let it fall against his chest.
She slipped her shoes off, and curled her legs beneath her as she regained her seat against the pillar, looking into Harry's eyes the entire time. “Do you know how many times I wish I never fell in love with you?” she asked quietly.
This was not good, he thought. This was definitely going in the wrong direction and Harry wracked his brain trying to find a way to get things back on the right track. Coming up empty, however, all he could do was sit there and shake his head.
Leaning her head against the pillar, she continued in that same quiet voice, “Loads of times. And not all of them were during the last three months either. You'll never know how hard it is being in love with you, Harry… never. I've… I think from the very first moment that I realized I was truly in love with you… It scared me. You had all this stuff going on, and it was dangerous, and painful and…” Her eyes had grown red, and she wiped at them, sniffing a little before speaking again.
“You don't know how much I wanted to fall in love with Michael, or Dean. I really did because… because it'd be easier. When you were away, during the war, I used to wonder what their girlfriends were thinking. How nice it would be to just have the same fear everyone else had about the Death Eaters, and not to be worried sick because the boy you love is their number one target. How simple it would be to not have to break up so that your boyfriend could go off and maybe get killed. That's what their girlfriends got, and a part of me wanted that too,” at this last sentiment, Ginny gave Harry a guilty look.
“With you… it wasn't just not being with you, or the danger, though. It was the pain. Your pain. You've been through so much, and… and you've been hurt so many times and each time you hurt, I hurt. When Sirius died… and Dumbledore… I didn't just mourn them for myself… I had to mourn them for you too. So yes, Harry, being in love with you is hard, and it hurts, and there have been so many times when I didn't think I could stand it anymore… but…”
A tear fell down Ginny's cheek, and Harry wanted to wipe it away but stopped himself. And then a voice in his head spoke up, Oh, just do it! He watched his hand shakily move towards her cheek, half expecting Ginny to swat it away, but she didn't, and he felt his thumb glide over the smooth wet skin of her cheek. His thumb lingered for a moment at her jaw, and the most incredible thing happened; she took his hand in hers and held onto it. Letting their hands rest on the stone floor between them, Ginny pressed on.
“But… I couldn't stop,” she said, rolling her eyes a little as though frustrated with herself. “I couldn't stop because… you have a part of me… and you always will Harry. You've taken a piece of me for yourself, and I know deep down inside, I have a part of you and… nothing can change that.”
“And when you didn't come back, that was probably the most hurt I've ever been. It hurt so much because I thought I was enough. I thought… I knew… you loved me too…”
“But I did… I do…” Harry tried to cut in, but Ginny silenced him with a look.
“But when you didn't come back, not even after the Saturday afternoons, Harry… I felt… I felt like I was eleven again… Like,” she screwed her eyes shut, tears squeezing through them and Harry inched closer until their knees were touching so he could use his free hand to try to wipe them away. Eyes still clenched tight, Ginny's words continued in a strained, painful whisper, “I felt like I had fooled myself, and that I was still that same stupid little girl writing stupid little Valentines, and pining away for the hero, and it hurt so much…”
“Ginny, you weren't…”
“But that's how it felt Harry!”
“I'm sorry…”
“I know,” she said opening her eyes to stare back into his. “That's the point. When I said I could feel you Harry, I wasn't lying. You really are a part of me, you know. I can tell when you're near, what you're thinking, how you're feeling. All of it. I know you're sorry. I knew how guilty you felt when I looked at you, and what that look you gave me after your speech meant, and how much you wanted to kiss me when we danced. I even knew when you were going to ask me to dance, I was just trying to ignore you. Of course, stupid Hermione had to ruin it.” At this they both shared a chuckle.
“But can't you see how that made it so painful when you didn't come back? It meant I was wrong. It meant that how I felt, and how I thought you felt, and all of it was wrong, and…”
“You weren't wrong.”
“Yes I …”
“Ginny,” Harry stopped her, cupping her cheek in his hand to silence her. When he spoke again, it was in little more than a whisper “You… you weren't wrong. But this was something I think I had to figure out on my own or it wouldn't have been the same… Do you understand that?”
Ginny nodded, and Harry noticed that they were now so close that their foreheads were nearly touching as a few stray strands of her hair brushed his face. “I never stopped loving you, Ginny.”
“I didn't either,” she whispered back, her lip shaking. “As much as I wanted to hate you, Harry, I couldn't.”
“Can you… will you… do you think you can forgive me?” he pleaded, his voice cracking. She looked down for a moment as a tear dropped and landed on their clasped hands. Slowly she nodded her head.
“Just don't do it again, okay?” she cried softly. “Don't do that to me again, please.”
“I won't,” he said, bracing himself. “That's the last reason why I came back. I've tried… living without you, and it wasn't living. I could breathe, and eat, and work, and hurt, but that was it. I wasn't really living, not without you, and it was… I don't want to do that again, okay? So I wanted to make another promise, and I know I botched the last one, but please, I won't… I won't screw it up this time.”
He waited for her to give him a signal that she would give him a second try for an impossibly long and torturous moment. Finally, she nodded and quietly said, “Go on.”
“I want to promise not to leave you again. I don't ever want to be away from you, so let me promise not to leave you again. Will you… can I… m-marry you?”
Silence fell heavily between them. With horror, Harry watched as Ginny silently rose before him, her face returning to the stony expression she had given him all day. As if in slow motion he saw a tear slide down her cheek as her head slowly shook from left to right. “No, Harry. You can't… I won't.”
Harry felt the world crumble around him. His heart turned to lead, his lungs seized up, and his eyes had started to sting. He stared up at her in shock, his mouth wide, the disappointment in his face matched only by the pain. She had turned him down, and he knew he deserved it.
Slowly, Harry got up, unable to meet her eyes. For one small happy moment he thought everything would go right, but now he knew it was over. A sickeningly numb feeling engulfed Harry, and without another word he turned away from her, his eyes leaking tears furiously.
“Damn,” he heard her whisper under her breath, but he ignored it, willing one foot after another to walk away. The pain was so intense, the emptiness so deep, all he wanted to do was run, but he found it difficult enough just to breathe.
He had almost made it to the archway when he felt her small hand wrap around his wrist, holding him back. “Harry,” she said, her voice pleading.
Half-heartedly Harry tried to free himself from her grip, but she held firm. “Ginny,” his voice cracked, “I'm fine, I just…”
“No, you're not, Harry,” she cried, and Harry turned to look at her. Her eyes, wet with tears, sparkled like the stars above. It was too much. Too much pain and he had to get out of there.
“It's okay, Ginny, I understand,” and despite his voice cracking and his cheeks damp with tears, Harry tried to bolster the lie with a weak smile. “I just think I need to be…”
“If the next word out of your mouth is 'alone' Harry, I swear I will hex you into next week,” Ginny cut in.
“Harry,” she sighed. “If you'd asked me three months ago, I probably would have said yes. It may not have been the right thing, and I guess we'll never know now, but… but it's different.”
He didn't want to be here. He didn't want be listening anymore. All of a sudden, Harry wanted nothing more than his empty flat and his menial job, and this time he would do it right. This time instead of doing stupid things like visiting his parents and spying on the Weasleys, he would go to the pub every weekend. But as much as he wanted to run again, he couldn't break the grip Ginny held over him.
“You don't… I can't… Harry, I'm not sure I know anymore. Don't you see? I want you so badly it hurts, but… I'm not sure I know… you. I can forgive you, and I can love you, but… after what happened, I can't say I know both of us enough to say we should be married.”
“Oh,” was all he could manage as each word felt like a punch to the stomach. Here she was, holding his wrist, and voicing his worst fears into the night air. She pulled at him, and when he refused to come an inch closer, she took a step towards him.
“Last time I saw you, Harry, I was sure, and I'm not now, and I can't get married like that,” she explained, desperation filling her words. “If I married you now, it would only be to keep you from leaving, and that's not what it's supposed to be about.”
Crying fully now, she stepped even closer, wrapping her other hand around his wrist and struggling to speak through the tears. “Harry, I've wanted this for as long as I can remember, and here I am turning it down, because I have to… because now we're just two people who dated for a few weeks over a year ago, and I… I just don't know anymore.”
“Okay,” he croaked. “It's okay, Ginny… I-I understand, really.” He tried to turn away, but she only tightened her grip on him.
“Harry!” she nearly begged.
“What?”
Only inches away now, she said in a voice just above a whisper, “I never said I didn't want to know… a-about us…”
Her voice trailed off, her face a mixture of despair and hope, and for a second Harry's mind went completely blank. Despite his reassurances, he didn't understand anything. And then it hit him.
A spark lit up deep within him. The spark grew to a flame, and then he really did understand, or at least he thought he did. His body began to shake, and his heart slammed against his chest as everything became clear. Just moments ago he had managed to ask her to marry him, and yet that was nothing compared to what he was about to do. That was… He didn't know what that was, but this was real, and it scared him to death.
“So,” he squeaked, cringing as he did so. He cleared his throat, and gently removed one of Ginny's hands from his wrist. She looked meaningfully into his eyes as she let him, her grip no longer firm. With impossible ease he held both of her hands in his own, and squeezing them gently, found the nerve to speak.
“So… Do you… w-wanna go out? With me?” he stammered nervously. An eager swelling of something like hope filled his chest as he waited expectantly, watching her as she bit her lip. Moments passed, and for a second he thought she might turn him down again, but this time, slowly as she looked into his eyes, Ginny nodded.
“Oh,” he said flatly. “Okay.” Harry had asked her and she said yes. Okay, she nodded, but as far as he knew, nods always meant yes. But then, maybe they didn't. Maybe in some cultures nods meant…
“Harry?” Ginny almost whimpered, snapping Harry out of his train of thought.
“Wha…?” he managed. Everything was so foggy and yet so unbelievably sharp, and Harry had the vague sensation that he didn't know exactly where he was. Was this real? Was this a dream? Was he really standing on some balcony, and did he really just ask Ginny to go out with him, after she turned down his marriage proposal? Did she really just say yes?
She tugged at his hands, her eyes teary and expectant, a small smile on her lips. “Harry… Why aren't you kissing me already?”
It was real. They were there and everything really did happen and now she was asking him to do the one thing he had wanted to do so badly for more than a year now. Not wanting to waste any more time on words or fears or doubts that didn't matter, Harry wrapped his arms tightly around her, almost falling apart when she returned his embrace. His heart raced faster than ever before as he looked into Ginny's eyes one last time, telling her more with a look than he could ever say in words how much he loved her. Closing his eyes, he leaned in and kissed her.
Harry was home.
Epilogues, Part I: Shadows by Grimmrook
Chapter Notes: STOP! Now's the time to say that if you have not read Right Here, and One Good Day, please do so now. I use imagery and symbolism from both stories, and I think you'll need to read them to get the full effect. I'm so adamant about this, in fact, that I won't even beg you for a review this time (though it would still be nice). Thanks.
Here's the last chapter folks. Okay, I'm only going to say a few quick things. First, please leave a review. This has been the most difficult story I've ever written... I've put a lot of effort into this story, and I don't care if you're nice or not, I just want to know what you guys think. I also have a lot of people I need to thank. I need to thank Critmo, Rosebeth, and hpmaniac666 for some sweet beta action! HP also gets another final thanks from me for giving me the inspiration to start this fic in the first place. And for Rosebeth and Critmo, you two were able to pound into my head that what I was writing wasn't true to myself. Thanks to you two, I was able to take a part of this story that wasn't true, and make it into something that is. In that respect, everyone else can flame this story to ashes, and I'll still be happy with it. So thanks.
If you're paying attention to the playlist, you can listen to the same music you listened to in the last chapter, though I would add Switchfoot's, "Dare you to move," and Finger Eleven's, "One Thing".
Okay enjoy!
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