by Lily Evans
1.It’s true.
2.It’s topical.
3.I’m stupid.
4.I’m ugly.
5.I’m the worst friend in the entire world.
6.I have developed more enemies over the past year.
7.Because James Potter does.
*
“Merlin, Lily,” Katie said. She walked into the dorm, picking up the crumpled piece of parchment lying innocently on the floor. “You’re almost becoming as cynical as I am sometimes.”
“Thanks,” Lily replied sourly, throwing a pillow at Katie.
“Come on, Lily,” Katie said in a slightly cheerful voice. She threw the pillow to the ground. “You know what I mean.”
“No.” She brought her legs against her chest, folding her arms around them. “No, I actually don’t.”
Katie sighed.
“Lily”“Here Katie stuck her hips out, placing her hands on them; she always seemed to think this pose made her look more intimidating““I am not going to argue with you. I am not putting up with any more of this crap.”
Lily just rolled her eyes and made a Pfuit noise. But that wasn’t stopping Katie.
“All SamLin and Alice and I have done is try to make you feel better,” she continued, “but all you do is blow us off. Lily, we’re your friends. We know when something’s up. We’re not as stupid as you think we are.”
Silence.
“Okay,” she said, backtracking a little, “maybe I am, but the point is that we want to help you. I know you’re upset about Emily. I am, too. But that doesn’t mean we become lazy bums who sleep at all hours in the dormitory, making it a complete pigsty.”
Lily blinked. She could almost feel the tears coming...
Now Katie was next to her on the bed, with an arm on her left shoulder. Lily kept staring at it as Katie said, “You need to move on, Lily.”
Lily looked up, feeling all those feelings from two weeks ago spewing inside her. Katie wouldn’t know. No wonder Emily hated Katie. Katie was a stupid know-it-all.
“You wouldn’t know anything, Katie,” Lily said coolly. She preferred not to ask questions, because that left room for her friend to contradict herself. “You really wouldn’t. I bet you’re just upset since this is one problem that you’d never be able to figure out.”
Katie appeared unfazed, but Lily knew better. She saw the look of a cross of hatred and hurt on Katie’s face for a nanosecond, which was as long Katie would let anyone see her pain.
As if in slow motion, Katie stood up. “You just don’t want anybody understanding,” she said coolly right back at Lily.
Lily could hear her words. Why did she do these things? First a fight with Emily, James Potter, and now Katie. It all led up to this. Just when she needed all her connections most she fought with them. And the sickening thing was that it was all her fault.
Katie was at the doorway when she stopped. She wasn’t looking at Lily, but she could picture Katie closing her eyes and breathing in. Then Katie said in a very small voice, “I wonder if this has anything to do with that conceited James Potter.”
Katie obviously knew where her friend was hurting the most.
As Katie closed the door, Lily said very quietly, “You really don’t know what he’s like, do you?”
Really.
She was defending the enemy.
*
Emily had run away. James had apologized, something Lily thought his male ego couldn’t handle.
Well, it was too much for her to handle.
Lily walked over to the window near the floor, getting down and curling herself into the small alcove. Through the frosted window, Lily looked down at the Hogwarts grounds. She could see several animals wandering the planes, probably even frolicking together.
Oh, if only that could happen now. If only she and all her friends could find some way to be happy again and listen to each other’s silence and laugh at each others’ problems.
It had really been Lily’s fault. Or she had taken the blame that no one deserved. Either way, it made a complete failure as a friend. She still should have known. She should’ve known when Emily pronounced him cute. She should’ve known when she didn’t show that much support in hating him. In the end, though, it led back to her. Always.
Even if Lily and her friends had been really mad at Emily, though, the hole she left made everyone feel empty. Emily could ask any boy out. Emily could stand up to any bullies. Emily could always act giddy when the situation called for it. (Although, come to think of it, Lily and her friends had gone through Emily’s trunk when they received the letter and found some fire whiskey and some golden Felix Felicis potion. No wonder she was driving everyone crazy with her cheerfulness and luck.)
And now she had run off to be with a boy. And not just any boy. It was him. Willard.
She and her friends knew that Emily was gone, but they couldn’t figure out why until one evening when“during the middle of Exploding Snap “ a letter arrived.
Emily’s owl had dropped off the letter and then flew away before the four realized that’s why the card tower was knocked over.
Inside, the letter read:
Dear SamLin and Lily,
I am not addressing this to Katie and Alice, because I am still mad at you two.
Obviously, by now you must know that I’m gone (unless you’re mentally challenged). Why? you may ask.
Willard.
I realized that he is my reason for living, and not you nitwits or that prick named Diggory. You abandoned me, and I know Willard will never ever abandon me.
I am not coming back. Ever.
Adieu,
Emily Bennett
Emily was not one to not waste words. Usually, her letters filled the entire space, cramming extra opinions in the margins. But this letter was empty.
And it left her friends empty, too.
Then there was that matter with James, and her friends didn’t even know about that one. Instead, it was Lily battling with her conscience daily.
The apology had been genuine; she could imagine doing the same thing her friends. But the thought of having even some sort of similarity or connection to James made her frightened. Because if she thought he was conceited and proud, and then she had to be too. And that didn’t even make any sense!
*
The wind was blowing, big gusts of wind that make your heart pound. The water below was glistening, white from sea foam but also blue and clear. Above, the clouds were a painter’s fantasy, big and puff, the right kind of white. The sun was shining brightly, but not too much. The grass she was standing on was a deep green, like after rain had fallen and with rocks impeded in the soil.
She was standing on a majestic cliff. She was wearing that dress she wore at the Netherfield Ball. Her hair was up, two strands hanging by her face that blew in the direction of the wind.
She just stood there, watching the view beneath her, taking it in. The world felt so calm, and it felt as if she were the only human left. She thought it was the eerie feeling inside her, but it could’ve also been standing on a cliff so high. Yet she didn’t feel afraid.
Everything was just perfect.
*
Lily awoke, the sweat clinging to her skin and clothes. She rolled over on her side, staring at the other beds across the room.
She kept having that dream, on the cliff. Lily didn’t know why. It just always came to her. It started when she had fallen asleep near the window. Then, it came back to her. And the dream was always the same: perfect.
It was now June, a year since everything had started. What seemed so long ago.
But, of course, everything had changed. Again, nevertheless.
First, they were finally recovering over Emily’s disappearance. Lily had apologized to everyone for her crabby (or ‘crappy’, as Alice would say) behavior. Everything was almost right. Almost.
The fact that she hadn’t spoken, or written, back to James Potter attacked her guilty conscience. But whenever she started to “ walking towards him when he was alone in the hallway, or pulling out her favorite quill and writing James “ something always stopped her. But Lily didn’t know what.
In fact, it should’ve been the least of her worries. James was ignoring her anyway. SamLin had invited her to stay for the summer, since she had nowhere else to go. There was no way she could run into James Potter.
It was just impossible.