Chapter Forty-Six: Christmas with Professor Snape
The winter was setting on especially early this year. The students shivered on their ways to and from classes so violently that there were several cases of minor whiplash. By late November, Palmyitor made the announcement that they had to begin rationing the Healing supplies and only the most severe illnesses would get any Potions.
When met by groans from the students, she added, “I know that you all believe your head colds are important, but in a war such as this, sacrifices must be made.”
Lottie rolled her eyes at Palmyitor and the complaining students and returned to her dinner. The weather had done nothing to improve her ever-darkening mood. Andrea made a daily effort to encourage her as she poured over books on Occlumency, but was far from helpful. With her daily updates on her Animagus lessons, Andrea just fueled the anger continually burning in the pit of her stomach.
The snow outside piled so high that Lottie rarely left the castle. Once a week, maybe, she poked her head outside for some fresh air, but never more.
As December arrived, Alsemore just became more bleak. Classes remained at a frustratingly difficult level. In Defense Against the Dark Arts, they still worked on Patronuses. Nobody had any success yet, but Andrew Victorsen had managed to conjure some silvery mist.
Occlumency was almost a joke. Edgar Payne even had an uncontrollable giggle fit one afternoon after realizing they had been doing the same thing for nearly two years, and still nobody had even gotten close to learning anything. This did nothing to lighten anybody’s mood, but did earn him a week’s worth of detention.
Lottie looked toward the Christmas holiday with an immense sense of relief, but was crushed in her expectations when Palmyitor announced that those going to Hogwarts would have daily meetings over the break.
She woke up every morning hating her reflection in the mirror. Discolored bags sulked under her eyes. Her skin seemed almost grey. Her straw-colored hair hung limp around her face and frustrated her so much that she had to fight the temptation several times to sever it off.
On Christmas Eve, while the other students chatted merrily in their common rooms by roaring fires, Lottie and the nine others sat on the floor of the Great Hall, scribbling notes.
“Once we arrive at Hogwarts,” Palmyitor lectured, “we will be searching for several things. The Sorting Hat is an ancient artifact used in the older days of Hogwarts. It was used much like the Ivory Table, to sort students into four different houses.”
Lottie scribbled along furiously to match Palmyitor’s unrelenting pace. “Unlike the other houses,” the old professor went on, “students were not sorted based on ability, but personality. Gryffindor””
Behind her, Maelioric whooped enthusiastically.
“Yes,” Palmyitor said through gritted teeth. “Our very own Professor Maelioric was in Gryffindor house. It was known for selecting those who valued bravery and chivalry. Harry Potter and several other famous wizards of the last war were members.”
“Sounds like the place to be,” Lottie murmured to Andrea.
Palmyitor raised her eyebrows and continued, but ignored her. “Hufflepuff was known for loyalty and kind-heartedness of its members.”
“Kind-heartedness?” Lottie scoffed.
Palmyitor peered down at her like a vulture. “Yes, Rowe. It is a trait that may people value.”
“What”so they’re all a bunch of softies?”
Maelioric got to his feet and towered above the students. He looked quite like a Gryffindor lion as he growled, “Maybe you’ll be surprised to know, Rowe, that Hufflepuff had an incredibly large number of warriors in the first”and second war. The number of Hufflepuffs who died in the war is only outnumbered by Gryffindor.”
The students turned to Lottie, who sat with wide eyes from Maelioric’s uncharacteristic outburst. “Sorry,” she said swiftly. She shifted and listened as Palmyitor described the Ravenclaws. “Sounds like you, eh?” Lottie nudged Andrea gently on the elbow. “Bookworms of the world uniting””
“Rowe, if you have finished sorting everybody, you could actually pay attention,” Palmyitor snapped. “We are not just telling you this information to amuse you.”
Lottie rolled her eyes and clamped a hand over her mouth dramatically.
“Good,” Palmyitor said. “The last house is Slytherin. It has had a number of”influential members””
“That’s where all the Dark wizards are,” Colm said. “It’s where the Dark Lord was sorted””
“It’s true that a larger number of Dark wizards were in Slytherin house,” Palmyitor said tersely, “but that does not mean that every Slytherin is””
“Then why do they all get sorted there?” Ally Overton asked.
“As I was about to say,” Palmyitor said, glowering at all of the students, “Slytherin house selects only those who have a certain level of ambition. Slytherins are known for being extraordinarily good at taking care of themselves. And although it does not necessarily only take purebloods, many of the old pureblood families had ties to the house.
“The important thing to keep in mind is that Hogwarts no longer sorts. Under the Dark Lord’s instruction, all of the pupils are taught as Slytherins””
“See? It is evil.” Lotti said triumphantly. The other students all turned to her and Palmyitor raised a slow, threatening eyebrow.
“Right,” she said. “Since Rowe seems so intent on disrupting the lesson, I’m afraid you will have to learn the rest of the information on your own. I expect a foot long essay on the history of the four houses and its most famous members by tomorrow morning.”
“But it’s Christmas, Professor,” groaned one of the seventh years.
“Complain to Miss Rowe,” Palmyitor said. The smile creeping onto her face was unmistakable. Her voice rang with silent, triumphant laughter. “We have every right to remove you from the trip if you do not turn it in by nine A.M. And don’t try to write with extra large handwriting to reach the limit”or the minimum length will be doubled for everyone.” Hatred churned through space in the pause. Lottie could feel it bearing down on her from all sides. “You are dismissed,” Palmyitor said. “Merry Christmas.”
The rest of the students rose immediately, swinging their bags violently and stamping out of the Hall; the professors followed. Lottie rested her face in her hands, staring at the ground until everybody else had left. Once the other footsteps died away, she could feel a meek presence beside her.
“Go way,” she said, knowing it was Andrea.
“Lottie””
“Go.”
Andrea hesitated, Lottie could tell, but eventually did leave. Her steps slowly echoed around the entire Great Hall and culminated in a slam of the large door.
Lottie looked up. In the center of the empty Hall, she felt as if the school, all of space, was leaning on her, pushing against her shoulders and lungs. It was impossible to move. It was impossible to breathe. If she did anything wrong, it would all collapse on her.
She got to her feet and looked at the head of the Hall, at the empty staff table. She wasn’t sure what she felt, but it certainly was not the familiar boiling rage of her past. Her face was dry of tears. A coldness seemed to buzz through her head and spread down her body.
The silence continued for a minute”or maybe an hour”and finally, Lottie spun around and left the Hall. She did not walk in the direction of the common room, but turned to the library.
As she entered the dusty room, a clock on the wall clanged eleven times. The library was empty except for her. Not even the others on the mission sat at the large tables on this Christmas Eve.
She walked through the shelves and exited with as many books and pamphlets that she could carry. She had to make a second trip for a colossal, battered copy of Hogwarts, A History and slammed it against her desk.
The foot long blank piece of parchment was like a challenge stretched in front of her. She had ten hours to finish this, otherwise all of this work would have been for nothing.
Her eyes scanned the text swiftly at first. She took notes on a piece of scrap paper and quickly discarded the used books. The momentum did not last for long tough, and she soon felt herself slowing down. Each word became a hurdle, she tapped her foot loudly against the stone floor to show her frustration.
The clock struck midnight. The lighthearted chimes felt very out of place in this solemn atmosphere. She turned to the window and stared at the grey clouds churning across the charcoal black sky. Lottie couldn’t find one star”she couldn’t even see the moon.
The coldness inside of her seemed to be thawing. Replacing it was a mild thought”a lukewarm hope, as she gazed through the frosted window at the Christmas sky. Vaguely, she wondered if her parents were doing the same thing.
A tear began to dribble down her face. It burned like a brand against her dead-cold skin. One tear only”though”before it stopped. Lottie wiped it away hastily and took a deep breath. Now she only had nine hours to finish this essay; there was no time for sentiments.
Lottie picked up her quill. All of the warmth seemed to flee from her body, and with it all of the thoughts of her family or Christmas.
Lottie wrote that last word of her essay at seven thirty. The winter sun had already risen to the sky, illuminating the snow beneath the window that stretched as far as Lottie could see and turned the ground ash white. She scrawled her name on top and rose from her seat.
She did not proof read, but instead took the parchment directly to Palmyitor’s office. Palmyitor was already awake and dressed in her usual dark green and black when Lottie knocked on her door. She said nothing, but took the parchment and laid it on her desk.
As their eyes met for a moment, Lottie was sure she could see a glimmer of accomplishment behind the old professor’s Occlumency. Lottie broke away first. “Merry Christmas,” she said without turning around. With that, she left the office and walked directly to the Great Hall.
The Hall was empty of students. Only Snape and Professor Seaward ate, sitting at complete opposite sides of the staff table. Lottie acknowledged neither and sat down in the middle of the Palmyitor table.
Andrea was the next person to enter the Hall. At eight fifteen, she trudged past the empty table and plopped down across from Lottie. “You look like hell,” she said.
“Well you’re not looking to great either,” Lottie said, staring at her friend’s droopy face and crusty eyes. “Merry Christmas.”
“Yeah. You too.” Andrea spooned some oatmeal onto her plate for a moment before saying, “You didn’t come back last night.”
“I was in the library.”
Neither said anything else. They ate in silence until the others began entering the Hall. Lottie had finished her breakfast by nine, but just sat, watching the others come into the hall, with well-rested grins plastered goofily onto their faces.
At nine thirty, Colm Scrivener and a hoard of Maeliorics burst inside, laughing and chattering happily. Colm had light bags under his eyes, but besides that did not look much more tired than usual. For a moment, Lottie considered pointing this out to Andrea, who stared blankly at the stone wall across from her, but decided she was too tired to move her mouth, and just watched.
“Yes,” Colm was saying through a mouthful of roasted potatoes. “All of us were assigned to write about the Hogwarts houses. Everybody else seemed so upset about it, but it only took me an hour and a half.”
Lottie clenched her fists around her cutlery. He only had such an easy time because his pureblood parents had already taught him everything.
“And just for fun,” Colm went on, “I began sorting all of us”how we would have been sorted if we were at Hogwarts, that is.”
“Oh, what would I be?” asked a brawny boy with a dark scruff.
“Ravenclaw, no doubt,” Colm said. “You’re the one who’s always studying, remember?”
“Aw, but no one famous came out of that one.”
“Hey, I’d take it as a compliment.” Colm shoveled another spoonful of potatoes into his mouth. “It’s definitely better than Hufflepuff or Slytherin.”
“What?” asked a girl with a short haircut across from him. “And what’s the best?”
“Gryffindor,” Colm said with an emphatic punch through the air.
“Let me guess”that’s where you would be?” the girl asked skeptically.
“Hey, I’m not just putting myself there because it’s the best,” Colm said. “They are all about bravery”and I like to think that I’m pretty brave myself.”
“Lottie?” Andrea peered up at her through her thick glasses.
Lottie blinked. In the course of their conversation, she had risen to her feet and pulled out her wand. “Sorry,” was all Lottie said before slipping out from the table and calmly crossing to Colm’s seat. She was vaguely aware of someone’s gaze on her. She could feel it bearing down upon her shoulders. That was definitely a Legilimen’s gaze, and with no teachers in the Hall but Seaward and Snape, she knew exactly who it was.
“Oh, look, it’s Rowe,” Colm said cheerily as she reached his table. “You’re looking so festive today. What? Did St. Nick give you an extra dose of ugly for Christmas?”
“Listen.” Lottie moved just slightly enough so that Colm could feel her wand, jabbing against his ribs, but nobody else could see it. “Why don’t you just shut your mouth, so the rest of us can enjoy the holiday cheer?”
“Mmm… Slytherin, definitely Slytherin,” Colm said.
“Shut your fat mouth,” Lottie growled, bending so close to him that their noses were almost touching. “If anyone here is a Slytherin, it’s you, you pampered, pureblooded””
Colm rose to his feet and pulled out his own wand. Lottie smiled”though it looked more like bearing her teeth. “What, you want to fight?” she asked. “I””
“Expelliarmus!”
Lottie’s wand shot from her hand. Colm caught it triumphantly and began to laugh. “It’s too easy to defeat you, Rowe. You get too angry. You””
Whatever Colm was about to say was muffled by Lottie’s scream of rage. Losing all abandonment, she leapt from her spot and caught Colm in a tackle. They tumbled to the ground together. A loud crack echoed through the Hall, as his skull made contact with the floor. Lottie raised her fist and slammed it against his face. “You stupid”” slam “”fat”” slam “”asshole!”
A spell caught Lottie square in the chest. She gasped as she tumbled onto the ground. She lay on her back, her chest heaving. Whatever spell she had just been hit by not only made her immobile, but seriously impaired her breathing. No matter how much she struggled, the oxygen just wasn’t reaching her lungs.
“I would suggest, Rowe,” Snape said, slowly walking between the tables to her, “that the next time you decide to attack a fellow student, you do so out of the sight of a teacher.”
Lottie could not do or say anything. Helplessly, she tried to gulp down some more air, but to no avail.
“Get up, Scrivener,” Snape spat.
Lottie watched as Colm struggled to push himself to his feet. Blood stained the back of his sand-colored hair. He waddled out of the hall, presumably to the hospital wing, accompanied by the other Maeliorics.
Lottie strained on the floor. She was beginning to lose her vision. Her lungs continued to move, but uselessly.
“Yes, there are punishments,” Snape said just loudly enough so Lottie could hear it.
She struggled again. She was beginning to lose feeling in her toes and fingers. The pressure consumed her.
“Punishments,” Snape elaborated, “for letting our little emotions get out of hand.”
He flicked his wand. The pressure suddenly alleviated and Lottie gulped for air. Her vision disappeared and reappeared several times as she consumed as much oxygen as she could.
“Detention, Rowe,” Snape said. “Tonight at five.”
“But”it’s”Christmas,” Lottie panted. “There’s a feast”and my”my friends.”
Snape’s miniscule smile was enough to tell Lottie everything she needed to know. “Even better,” he said.
The clatter and laughter of the Christmas feast filled the entire school. An unusual warmth filled the castle, with the Great Hall as its nucleus. Lottie’s stomach churned. The aroma of ham, turkey, and potatoes wafted even to the deepest dungeons, and her mouth began to water as she approached the Legilimency classroom’s door.
“Enter,” Snape hissed before she had even knocked.
Lottie walked into the dreadfully familiar classroom, a resolute frown on her face. Her stomach growled again and seemed to reverberate off the walls.
“Hungry?” Snape asked scathingly from behind his desk.
Lottie surveyed him darkly, her jaw clenched. “No.”
Snape conceded only the smallest victory. That had not been a polite question, but a challenge, and Lottie had not failed. But she felt no relief. No sense of pride filled her: no emotion at all, except for the vague intellectual understanding that she had answered that question correctly.
“So, what am I supposed to do?” Lottie asked dully, fully knowing the answer. “Lines?”
“I do not waste my time with such a useless task.” Snape got to his feet and pulled out his wand. “No, we are going to do something a little more practical. Legilimens.”
The attack caught Lottie off guard. She had been expecting it, but not quite so suddenly. Thankfully, she was not feeling particularly angry at that point, so even without a block, Snape had little to find. She did not break his gaze, staring resolutely into his cold, black eyes.
It was a familiar feeling. Snape’s presence was impossible to ignore, but that was just very little, if anything, for him to find. Lottie kept her stare intent. The same sense of intellectual victory lingered in her mind. She was sure she had finally done it”until Snape grabbed hold of the last piece of feeling she had left.
It hit her like brick wall. The same scene replayed and replayed in her mind’s eye. Colm’s stupid grin”and suddenly she was jumping on him, her fists swinging furiously. Snape took the anger he found festering inside of her and expanded it, made it into a pool of emotions and used it to drown her. By the time he finally relented, Lottie was on her knees, hitting the floor with her palms helplessly.
“So close,” she growled.
“There is no such thing as so close in Occlumency,” Snape said. “You either stop the attack, or you do not.”
“I can block everyone else, though.”
“It is not about the block,” Snape said. “Don’t you understand? You can hide behind a wall, and eventually somebody will knock it down. Do not hide.”
“Then how””
“The way to make sure that nobody finds you is to simply not be there.”
A roar of laughter from the Great Hall reached their ears. Lottie pushed herself to her feet. Snape was unrelenting. He did not even acknowledge the noise from upstairs. Lottie did her best not to, but couldn’t help glancing upwards as another round of giggles and guffaws echoed through the castle.
Snape resolutely ignored it. It seemed, Lottie began to realize, that maybe he didn’t even hear it. His focus was so great that he knew nothing but what was right in front of him. Nobody could ever find anything behind his eyes because nothing was ever there.
Lottie locked eyes with him, pushing herself to attain his level of focus. A distant ache in her foot broke her concentration. She shifted uncomfortably.
“Need to sit down?” Snape asked.
“No, thank you.”
They maintained eye contact for who knew how long. It could have been hours. Lottie did not move”she hardly blinked as she stared at his black eyes.
He began without warning this time. She noticed his presence, but did not acknowledge it. All she saw”all that consumed her was his two, beady eyes.
She lasted longer this time. Snape searched for a good ten minutes before he hooked onto something.
It was a stupid memory. Lottie did not know why it was even present in her mind. She was her eight-year-old self, sprawled across her mattress, coughing. The memory was distant, but Snape was expanding it. The fever that she had had seemed so real. She had not thought about that minor, childhood illness, but now she felt like she had it again, like she was on her deathbed. Her mother’s comforting shushing”she wasn’t sure if that actually happened, or whether Snape was just adding that for realism.
“I don’t even remember that,” Lottie groaned. She was not on the ground this time, but her body was tenser, more on edge. “How did you find it?”
“It does not take much to construct a memory.” Snape got up from his desk and swept across the room. “You have repressed almost everything, but the aftertaste of your nostalgia is still clear.”
Lottie’s stomach mumbled again. She realized that no more jovial noise came from above”the feast must have ended.
“Tell me, why do you still feel attached to”who is that”your mother?”
“Because”” Lottie stared at Snape, dumbfounded. “I don’t know. Because she’s my mum. Doesn’t””
“And why is your connection to Woolbright so strong?”
“What do you mean why? She’s my best friend.”
“And Scrivener? So much anger””
“You can tell all of that even with my block?” Lottie asked.
“It is certainly slightly muddled,” Snape said. “You have successfully cleared your mind, but now you have to purge it. Remove this nostalgia””
“But how?” Lottie was desperate. She didn’t know how much emptier should could feel. Denied of food, water, rest, and family, she seemed to have lost everything.
“Forget about your family. You will never see them again.” Before Lottie could protest, Snape raised a hand to silence her. “They are of no use to you; they hinder you. You cannot save them from this war unless you forget about them.”
Lottie shut her mouth and watched him unblinkingly. “You believe Woolbright to be your friend, but by keeping your sense of attachment to her, you are killing her. You have to make a sacrifice if you want to save them.”
Then there was silence. Lottie didn’t respond, and Snape didn’t expand. They both stood, locked in a resolute stalemate. Lottie was unaware of the ache of her legs or the tiredness aching down her spine; all she knew was Snape directly across from her.
Then hours later, maybe, or maybe just a few minutes, the familiar presence returned. Lottie’s stare was even as she endured Snape’s rifling. He got no closer to finding anything. Lottie knew he wouldn’t. She waited patiently for him to give up.
Finally, he broke their stare. He glanced out to the frosty window. Lottie nearly collapsed from exhaustion, but her mild sense of triumph kept her on her feet.
“That’s it,” Snape said. He swept back across the room and settled behind his desk. “You may go.”
Numbly, Lottie picked up her bag and swung it over her shoulder. She walked to the door and wrenched it open.
“We will be doing Legilimency next,” Snape said as she was leaving the classroom.
Lottie just nodded and shut the door behind her. She walked slowly to the common room, hardly aware of where she was going. Even if she had wanted to run, exhaustion would have prevented her.
“Where have you been?” Andrea demanded once Lottie climbed through the clock.
“What do you mean?” Lottie asked. “I was in detention.”
“Lottie, it’s nearly one in the morning. You were there for almost six hours.”
“Was I?” Lottie asked mildly.
“And I bet he didn’t give you food either. Merlin, you must be starving.” Andrea pulled her by the elbow and sat her down on the softest couch in the common room.
Only a few students were still awake. A seventh year was bent over a book and a pair of first years whispered secrets into each other’s ears in the corner.
“Here.” Lottie dropped an impressive sandwich in Lottie’s lap. “It’s cold, but I didn’t think you’d be back this late. I did have a feeling that he’d not let you have dinner, though.”
“Thanks,” Lottie said through a mouthful of bread.
“What on earth were you doing?” Andrea asked. “Merlin, what could have taken so long?”
“Occlumency,” Lottie said. “We did Occlumency.”
“Yeah?” Andrea seemed to sit up with interest. “What””
“I did it.” Lottie took another bite of the sandwich.
“You did it?”
“Yeah.”
“Lottie!” Andrea squealed, jumping to her feet. “Why didn’t you tell me right away? This is so exciting! You did it!”
Lottie laughed hollowly”not because she actually found it funny, but because it seemed like the appropriate thing to do.
“So how did you do it?” Andrea asked. “Did you separate your thoughts like we talked about?”
The first emotion she had felt all night plagued her”guilt. Andrea had worked so hard to help her. She had spent hours studying and reading, just trying to preserve Lottie’s emotional integrity.
“Yeah,” Lottie said. “Yeah. It’s trickier than it sounds though.”
“Oh, who cares?” Andrea fell onto the couch beside her, grinning. “The important thing is that you actually did it.”
Halfway to Infinity by Eponine
Chapter Notes: Thanks, coolh5000, for helping me with this chapter!
This chapter is dedicated to the members of my theatre troupe.