Chapter Sixty: Professor Palmyitor’s Offer
Lottie stood outside of Palmyitor’s door for a moment. She felt like quite a lot had been leading up to this moment. She wasn’t sure how she was so sure, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew. All the years of training”just for this. She was still in her Muggle clothing. The torn hem of her pants dragged along the floor behind her. She took a deep breath to clear her mind and knocked.
“Rowe?”
Lottie pushed open the door. Like always, Palmyitor sat behind her desk, her hands folded neatly on the tabletop. “Sit down,” Palmyitor said, and Lottie glanced at the chair across from the aged desk. There wasn’t normally a chair there”usually she had to stand. Lottie sat and watched Palmyitor expectantly.
“I expect you have been anticipating this,” Palmyitor said, carefully surveying Lottie. Lottie only nodded. “Well,” Palmyitor resumed, “as you know, you are a very talented Occlumens and Legilimens.”
“Yes.”
“Your ability exceeds mine, or Severus’s, probably even the Dark Lord’s himself.” Lottie was interested by this information, but not entirely surprised. She just stared back at Palmyitor, waiting for her to speak. “And I am also sure you know, I have been acting as a spy for us”acting as Death Eater to accumulate information.”
Lottie nodded again. She knew where this was going. She had always known where it was going. Now faced with it, she did not feel any more frightened than she had at eleven years old.
“My disguise is growing less effective, however. The Dark Lord certainly suspects me”he has for years. It is no longer safe for me to go to the Death Eater headquarters.”
“You want me to take your place,” Lottie finished.
Palmyitor met her eyes, and for a moment, Lottie experience a rush of dread at the prospect. This war had turned Palmyitor into an angry, hardened woman with no friends. Had she always been like that or was it a result of living so long as a liar? Would she, Lottie, become like that too?
“Yes.”
Lottie shifted in her chair and sat on her hands. It was easy enough to accept. On the one hand, it wasn’t like she had an option anyway. The glory of the position, too, overshadowed anything she had done before. All she had ever wanted was to be important, and this was her chance. On the other hand, it would undoubtedly change her life forever. She would have to torture”perhaps even kill”to play her role convincingly. She wondered how many people Palmyitor had killed.
Would she ever get to come back to Alsemore? Would she ever see Andrea or Colm again? To be a real Death Eater, she would have to change herself completely.
“I would get a Dark Mark,” Lottie said. It was not a question, but a statement”an acknowledgment of defeat.
“Well”yes.”
Lottie pursed her lips. All her life she had dreaded and hated that Mark. Everything she had ever done was a rebellion against it. Her existence was an act of rebellion against it.
“It only has meaning if you give it meaning,” Palmyitor said. “Sacrifices must be made if we want to win the war.”
Lottie fell into silence. She did not like the idea, but had to accept that it was unavoidable.
“There is a minor change in the original plan,” Palmyitor said. “Since the Dark Lord clearly remembers your little adventure to the Death Eater headquarters, you cannot go undisguised.” Lottie frowned at the accusatory tone in Palmyitor’s voice. If she had known, years ago, that she could have ruined everything with that trip, she probably wouldn’t have done it. But how was she supposed to have understood at that age?
“So are we going to use Polyjuice Potion?” Lottie asked.
“Exactly.”
“Who am I going to go as?”
“That is yet to be seen.” Palmyitor glanced quickly out the window before turning her gaze back to Lottie. “We’re reviewing the most promising candidates right now.”
“When will I leave?”
“Not until the day after term starts.
Inwardly, Lottie breathed a sigh of relief. That gave her at least a little bit more time. The conversation seemed to be over. Lottie stood up to leave and moved toward the door, before Palmyitor’s voice stopped her.
“Rowe,” she said, “don’t tell anybody about this.”
Lottie frowned and turned back to her.
“Tell them you are going on a mission, but don’t give them any specific details.”
“Why not?”
Palmyitor stared at her with the air of staring at somebody incredibly ignorant. “Somebody helped Severus escape, Rowe. We still don’t know who did it. It would be very foolish to be giving out such precious information.”
“Right. Okay.” Lottie wrenched open the door and ran down the steps to the Palmyitor common room. After she set the time on the clock, she rushed inside and collapsed onto an armchair next to Andrea.
“You spoke with Palmyitor, I assume?” Andrea said, not looking up from the book she was reading.
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“I have an assignment.”
Andrea looked up. She glanced once over her shoulder and, marking her page with an index finger, shut the book. “What is it?”
“I can’t tell.” Lottie shook her head, causing wisps of hair to fall into her eyes.
Andrea narrowed her eyes shrewdly and smiled. “Come on,” she said.
“No”I really can’t. Palmyitor said””
“Oh I guess if you don’t trust me.”
“It’s not me”are you listening?” Lottie said in growing frustration. “It’s Palmyitor. She said I’m not allowed to tell anyone”not you or Colm or anything.”
Andrea was a little more satisfied with this and sat back in her chair.
“So I’m going to leave,” Lottie added.
Andrea looked back up. “When?”
“The day term starts. I’ll be here for the feast.”
Andrea’s shoulders slumped as she surveyed the cold, wooden floor. “Will you come back?” she asked without looking up.
“I”I”” Lottie’s eyes grew softer as she watched Andrea. She had been so focused on her own safety and her own fear that she hadn’t even thought of Andrea. Andrea would have nobody when she left. “I don’t know.”
“Well”Palmyitor gave me a job too,” Andrea said, looking up.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, but it’s not as top secret as yours.”
“What are you doing?”
“The Ministry,” Andrea said. “You know, the one they set up. It’s been acting really weirdly lately. We think some people might be under the Imperius curse. So I’m going to go check it out.”
“Cool.” Lottie tried to smile genuinely, but struggled. In the past, all she had wanted was this mission, but now faced with her present dangers, she might have picked Andrea’s instead. With a pang, she remembered Colm”who had become a werewolf for his assignment. She hadn’t been able to do that. She was too afraid. Was she really that much of a coward?
“Did anyone else get assignments?” Lottie asked flatly.
“Yeah”Andrew is going to be a Healer around battles. Apparently, he’s been taking private lessons for a while now.”
“Weird,” Lottie said. She sat back and stared around at the familiar Palmyitor common room. It was hard to believe that she had spent the past six years here and was now going to leave”maybe she would never see it again. With an unfamiliar heaviness, she watched the fire dance.
“You’ll be playing the part of Shaula Carrow,” Palmyitor explained in her office the next day. “She is the first cousin once removed of some prominent Death Eaters at the time of Harry Potter’s death. She””
“Which Death Eaters?”
Palmyitor shot her a severe glare. “I don’t appreciate being interrupted, Rowe,” she said. “Amycus and Alecto Carrow”brother and sister, to answer your question. Their cousin, Arcturus Carrow, never quite fit in with the Death Eaters. Unfortunately, his late-in-life daughter, Shaula, was sent to Hogwarts where she was adequately brainwashed. She went abroad to America to try to spread the movement, but the distance seemed to give her some thinking time. She hadn’t been heard from for two years. She wasn’t working for the Dark Lord anymore, but she wasn’t exactly working against him either.”
Lottie looked up from her roll of parchment. She had been taking notes to remember all of this. “So how old am I supposed to be?”
“Twenty.” Palmyitor drummed her fingernails against the desktop as she thought. “Your welcome will not exactly be friendly, since Shaula fell out of contact, so I suggest you think of a convincing story.”
Lottie frowned and leaned back in her seat. “I could say that she had been attacked by a group of rebels and put under the Imperius curse,” she suggested.
Palmyitor arched her eyebrows. “Yes, hopefully that will work.”
The start of term feast was a much more somber affair than usual. Lottie sat slumped at the Palmyitor table next to Andrea and the other seventh years. She didn’t notice the other house tables, the other students, the staff table, where the three heads, Hermione, and Neville sat with their food, occasionally slipping conspicuous glances over to where Lottie sat. Lottie’s mind was completely focused on herself. Was this going to be her last meal in the Great Hall? Was this her last meal with Andrea?
She watched the Sorting without really processing what was going on. The ceremony was drawing to a close. Only one girl was left waiting, and when Palmyitor called, “Young, Nora,” she approached the table.
There was something off about this girl, Lottie thought. Her skin was so pale that it was almost transparent and heavy bags fell under her dark, troubled eyes. She looked ill. When Clynalmoy welcomed her to his house, she seemed quite relieved and sat down at the opposite table.
Lottie poked at her food unenthusiastically. She could never remember being this nervous before. Her stomach flopped and sloshed inside of her like a dead animal. She didn’t speak to anybody, but shared anxiety-ridden smiles with Andrea occasionally. Across the way, Colm, who was back for a week, looked just as sick, just as anxious.
When she had eaten as much as she could possibly stomach, she rose from her seat and glanced at Colm significantly. He rose too and followed her out of the Hall, and into a deserted classroom.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as he magically sealed the door.
“Scared out of my mind.”
“Don’t worry”you’ll be okay.” Colm tried to smile, but the corners of his lips just quivered. “It’s not that scary, leaving here. You just have to think on your feet a lot more.”
Lottie nodded, though without much conviction. Colm’s mission was dangerous, but hers”hers was riskier than anything. She hadn’t told him what she was doing either. Palmyitor had seemed adamant about keeping it a secret. But even if Colm had known, he wouldn’t tell anybody. He even know basic Occlumency, so he could hide it even if the traitor, whoever that was, was trying to force it from him.
“You always look like you’re hiding something now,” Colm said, looking carefully into her eyes. “You didn’t always”not before”when we were younger.”
“We didn’t know each other then,” Lottie said. “I might have always been hiding something.”
“Just because we didn’t talk doesn’t mean I didn’t notice you,” Colm said. “I have always noticed you.” He was drawing closer. “Why do you think I always tried to get your attention? Why do you think I… I don’t know… came to the camps during that rebellion?”
They were so close to each other nose that their noses almost touched. “I thought you wanted to see what was going on,” Lottie said weakly.
“No.” Colm’s gaze met hers and Lottie felt his absolute sincerity in the pit of her stomach. “I wanted to protect you.”
Their lips met. Lottie was filled with a temporary warmth as she laced her fingers with his. He had liked her all along, and had kept it a secret. Now, in a moment of complete genuineness, he had told her. Lottie had many secrets, but had never divulged a single one.
“I am,” Lottie finally whispered, pulling away from him.
“What?”
“I am hiding something.” She gazed into Colm’s large, searching eyes. She was not supposed to tell anybody, but she trusted Colm. He wouldn’t give her secret to a traitor. He would protect her with his life.
“What is it?”
Lottie took a deep breath and glanced out the window to make sure that nobody was spying. “I’m related to Harry Potter.”
Colm’s eyes widened further. He sat back slightly and stared at Lottie with such intensity that she had to look away. “But”but you’re a Muggle-born,” he finally said.
“I’m related to his cousin”his Muggle cousin.”
The corners of Colm’s lips twitched, but were unable to form a smile. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked. “If anybody ever found out””
“Nobody knows,” Lottie said. “Just Palmyitor”and”well”you”and Andrea”and”” In a horrific moment of realization, Lottie’s heart froze. Her jaw slacked open slightly.
“And?” Colm asked urgently.
“Snape.” Lottie glanced at Colm and could feel panic rising in her chest. “Snape knows. He performed Legilimency on me for years. He must have told the Death Eaters. What am I going to do?”
“It’s okay.” Colm laid a quivering hand on her knee.
“That’s probably why he didn’t kill me at the Hog’s Head. The Dark Lord wanted to question me”to kill me himself. Snape just pushed me out of the way so nobody would kill me by mistake.”
The fear in Colm’s eyes almost matched hers. “Maybe he didn’t tell,” he said. “Maybe the Dark Lord doesn’t know.”
“Of course he knows. Why wouldn’t Snape tell? Shit.” Lottie rested her face in her hands and stared at the ground. She had to make sure she would never been seen by Death Eaters. If she did, she would be killed in an instant. Fingers trembling, she looked slowly at Colm. “You won’t tell anybody, Colm, will you?”
He looked at her and blinked slowly. “I would die before I told anyone.”
Lottie couldn’t sleep. She lay on her back with her eyes wide, as if somebody were forcing them open. Everything was going to change, and she was more afraid than she had ever been before. She had to quell this anxiety, though, otherwise it would interfere with her Occlumency”and if she couldn’t use that, she didn’t stand a chance.
She lay there until eager rays of grey sunlight hit the window. At that point, she couldn’t stay lying down anymore, and sat up. After swinging her feet onto the chilly stone floor and standing up, she quickly changed into a set of robes. Lottie glanced the close curtains around Andrea’s bed and rushed out of the room to take one more look at the Palmyitor common room.
Andrea was already there. She, too, looked slightly ill. A mildly pink tinge surrounded her eyes, but the rest of her face was almost green. She didn’t do anything, but surveyed Lottie carefully. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
Lottie sat down next to her on the couch across from the fireplace, where embers were glowing dully. She glanced out the window; the sun was beginning to rise in earnest. The bright rays created a blinding glare on the glass.
“Are you scared?” Andrea asked.
Lottie turned to look at her. Andrea, who had never excelled in Occlumency, and wasn’t even able to do Legilimency, always had an uncanny ability to understand her feelings. The difference was that she felt what Lottie did, whereas Lottie manipulated others to divulge their emotions.
Lottie shrugged. “I guess.” She turned back to the window. A light breeze was causing the grass to sway rhythmically outside. “Palmyitor did it for years, though. How dangerous could it be?”
Andrea didn’t answer, but Lottie knew what she was thinking: very. Andrea looked down to her lap and played with the frayed edge of her sleeve. “When are you coming back?” she asked.
“I dunno,” Lottie said. It was true”Palmyitor had never mentioned whether she would ever return for good. Lottie knew she was able to Apparate back to school whenever she wanted to deliver information and get a new assignment, but the subject of the end of this mission was unclear. “Hopefully soon”if we can defeat the Dark Lord.”
Andrea let out a sharp laugh, though not really because she actually found anything particularly humorous. “Yeah, I’m not sure that’ll happen soon”because we’ve been wasting time for the past fifty years, right?”
Lottie shrugged. It seemed possible. There were only two Horcruxes left, after all; and maybe she would be able to find them as she worked closely with the Death Eaters.
The sun had completely passed the horizon now. It shone bright red as it crept farther into the sky. Lottie glanced momentarily at Andrea, who seemed to be staring intently at the floor. Her eyes were growing redder.
“I’d better get going,” Lottie finally said, without looking at her. “I’m supposed to meet Palmyitor in her office.” Tentatively, Lottie got to her feet.
Andrea rose too. She turned and made eye contact. Without even meaning to, Lottie entered her emotions and felt a rush of grief, anxiety, jealousy and fear. Lottie didn’t know how her friend hadn’t exploded from feeling so much.
“I’ll miss you,” Andrea said.
“I’ll miss you too.”
Andrea pulled Lottie into a fierce hug. Lottie, who usually found such touchy-feeliness uncomfortable, let it happen. She was fully aware of the fact that she might never see Andrea again. Andrea hugged her tighter, and Lottie thought she could hear her sniffing quietly. Finally, Lottie stepped away and they looked at each other one more time.
“I guess,” Lottie began, “goodbye.”
Andrea’s eyes were brimming with tears, and even though Lottie didn’t cry, she could feel an unfamiliar tingle of emotion in her core. “Bye,” Andrea said.
Lottie turned around. There was nothing more to say, no use prolonging it. She crossed the common room slowly, taking in everything, trying to record it permanently into her memory. She swung open the door and exited through the old, grandfather clock without looking back.
The short walk to Palmyitor’s office was lonelier than anything Lottie could remember. She felt as though she were marching slowly to her death, unarmed and unaided. When she reached Palmyitor’s office door, she knocked and pushed it open.
Palmyitor was dressed, as always, in immaculately pressed robes, today the color of a midnight sky. When Lottie came in, Palmyitor didn’t say anything, but presented her with a new set of robes and a glass of muddy-looking potion.
Lottie changed wordlessly into the new robes and took the potion. “Wait,” Palmyitor said and pulled a course hair from the desk. She dropped it in. Instantly, the potion changed consistency. It was no longer thick like muck, but thin and tenuous, almost like water, but with a slightly darker tinge.
Lottie drank it in one gulp and pursed her lips. It was not entirely revolting, but it had a meager flavor of many things at once with a sour aftertaste. She waited until the transformation finally began. Just like she remembered, it was not very pleasant. She felt her bones expand and her skin stretch taught along her face. Her hair grew longer and thicker, and the world seemed to dim as her eyes darkened.
When it was over, Palmyitor tilted her head in the direction of a mirror, and Lottie examined herself.
Shaula Carrow was about Lottie’s height, but with much broader shoulders and a wider face. Lottie’s slightly crooked nose had curved into a graceful button shape, which was a little bit too small for her wide face. Her eyes were dark, almost black, and set wide apart. Her hair had changed from Lottie’s thin blond to a thick, course mane of jet black. Lottie thought Shaula had a sort of sad appearance with her low cheekbones and drooping eyelids. The dilapidated robes she wore did not help either.
Lottie turned back to Palmyitor whose eyes were set intently on her. “Are you ready?” she asked.
Lottie nodded.
“You know your entire back story?”
Lottie nodded again.
“Remember that you are going to have to perform deeds you never imagined.”
Lottie had realized this all too clearly. Being a Death Eater meant killing”but surely a few Muggle lives were worth the freedom of the entire world.
“Here.” Palmyitor pushed a flask of Polyjuice Potion across the desk. “Remember to take it once an hour, every hour. Do not be conspicuous about it. If you begin to run out, we can replace your supply.”
Lottie, unable to find words, just continued to nod as she slid the flask into her pocket. She met eyes with Palmyitor and though both of them were employing sufficient Occlumency against the other, they had a common understanding.
“Good luck, Rowe.”
Lottie meant to thank her, but couldn’t find her voice in her throat. She only nodded for the final time, turned on her heel, and Disapparated.
Halfway to Infinity by Eponine
Chapter Notes: As always, thanks to coolh5000 for helping me out with this chapter!
This one's dedicated to Kurt Vonnegut!