Shame by roman_soldier
Chapter Notes: Lily Evans is welcomed back to her sixth year at Hogwarts by the memories of the previous year, ones that she can't seem to get rid of. She's already feeling ashamed of herself, and then signs are misread, feelings are re-evaluated, and havoc is wreaked in the form of Cora Armstrong.
Lily Evans was worried. The potions master stood at the front of the room, droning on about percent composition, mentioning over and over that this should be easy for the sixth years. She had no clue what was even going on.
"After all, everything else we've done is based off of this. It should be relatively simple to you by now. Any questions?" Slughorn glanced around the room and then went on before anyone could respond. "Okay then, pages 371-373, numbers 16-70. Next week we're making these potions, so don't mess up the equations."
Lily didn't even have her book; it was up in her dormitory. She had passed it this morning, thinking she probably wouldn't need it. She had been wrong, apparently. Sighing, she stood up and walked to the front of the classroom. Slughorn looked up, smiling, as she approached his desk.
"Professor, are there any extra books? I forgot mine today." she lied.
"Of course, of course, go grab one out of the store closet."
Lily walked back across the classroom to the store-room and began to search on the bottom shelves for the books Slughorn normally stored there. As she looked, little bits of conversations floated through the door.
" . . . she only kissed Matthew because Jacob was such a jerk to her. Otherwise they . . . "
" . . . see Gregory the Smarmy's statue? Blasted into a million pieces. But Dumbledore . . . "
" . . . first game is of the season is two weeks from Saturday. We're versing Hufflepuff, so it'll be a pushover, no problem . . . "
Lily shuddered in revolt. That was Potter's voice. The idiot boy never seemed to think about anything but Quidditch. That and showing off.
Finally giving up on finding what seemed to be a non-existent book, she stood and waited behind the door for an extra moment. She could still hear James' voice.
" . . . really want her to, but it seems unlikely."
His voice was joined by that of Sirius Black, his friend and partner in crime.
"I can't believe you actually still like her after last year. Denied in front of the whole fifth year. And you better not get your hopes up that she'll be coming to the match."
"I guess . . . " James’ voice faded as Lily came out of the store-closet, empty-handed, and brushed past their table with her nose in the air. She could hear Sirius snicker as she stomped away, but didn’t see James smack Sirius’ arm to get him to shut up.
Lily sat through the rest of the class without doing anything. She actually just wished she could disappear, sink through the floor and end up back at her parents’ house, never having met James Potter.
Slughorn asked once if Lily was going to get to work, but the look on her face stopped him from inquiring further. When the bell rang, Lily was the first out the door.
Thankfully, potions was the last class she had that day. The shame of that scene last year spread through her, making her face flushed and her head ache. She passed by the Great Hall on her way up the stairs. She didn’t feel much like eating.
It wasn’t that she was mad at Potter, she told herself as she walked against the stream of students heading for dinner. No, she wasn’t angry with Potter; she was angry with herself. Maybe it was all the stress of the O.W.L.s, but she had had no right to blow up at Potter. After all, she had seen Snape use sectumsempra against him. Maybe she just felt like she was defending the weak, cheering for the underdog. Potter was vastly more popular, and therefore had had more people rooting him on. Actually, not more people. All the people.
It wasn’t like Snape appreciated it though. He had called her a nasty name, and she had ended up just embarrassing herself in front of the whole fifth year. Sirius had said James had been “denied in front of the whole fifth year.” At least he had been made to look like a fool; he hadn’t made such a fool of himself. Lily thought the latter was infinitely worse. It was all her own fault that she had looked like such a jerk.
And now she felt stupid even being around Potter. She thought he had forgotten, and that they could all move on, but apparently not. He just reminded her of how stupidly she had acted in front of the whole school.
Lily reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and mumbled, “Pesky pixie.”
“Yes, yes dear,” responded the portrait as it swung forward to admit her to the Gryffindor common room. Lily collapsed in an armchair far from the fire and the few students who hadn’t yet left for dinner. She closed her eyes and groaned. Life sucked.
And to add to it all, now Potter seemed to be acting all pitiful and love-stricken again. She had no doubt that she was the one they were talking about who was unlikely to support James at the Quidditch match. The word ‘stalker’ leaped to Lily’s mind.
As if she didn’t have enough to deal with.
“Lily? Lily. Lily.”
Lily’s squinted her eyes open to glance at whoever was standing above her. When she saw who it was, she moaned and turned over, putting her arm up over her face.
“Oh no you don’t! Wake up, sleepyhead! What are you doing down here?”
Lily resisted the urge to punch Elizabeth O'Brien as she leaned down to look into Lily’s barely open eyes. Her voice came out in a croak the first time she tried to respond, so she started over.
“What do you want? Leave me alone.” Lily yawned and knew that she was awake now, whether or not she wanted to be. She glanced around the common room, seeing that it was now empty of all the other Gryffindor students.
Her friend just rolled her eyes and continued to pull on Lily’s arm. “Come on, up-sy daisy. You fell asleep on the chair. I’m doing you a favor. You might want to go take a shower before the rest of the world gets a look at you. And by ‘rest of the world’ I mean a Mr. James Potter.”
Lily pulled a face and then yawned again, glancing toward the window where the curtains were drawn shut. “Yeah, thanks a lot, Liz,” she said sarcastically.” I can tell what a great friend you are. What time is it?”
“It’s only six-fifteen, but considering that you probably fell asleep at five last night, I think you’ve had plenty of sleep. You’re so secluded in this little corner, I didn’t even see you until I walked down here to grab my jacket that I forgot yesterday.” At this point, Elizabeth raised her arm, over which was slung the jacket that had been laying on the table next to Lily all night.
“It’s only the second day, and you’re already losing stuff?” Lily asked, rumpling her hair and rubbing her eyes simultaneously. When Elizabeth smiled and shrugged, her brown hair falling around her shoulders, Lily stood up and stretched. “Alright then, if I look so horrible, let’s go freshen me up.”
“What a wonderful idea!” Elizabeth exclaimed, eyes sparkling, and led the way up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.
When the girls came back down the stairs, Lily looking considerably less like a homeless man and more like the pretty girl she was, the common room was filling up. It was only seven o’clock, so breakfast had barely started. Everyone was searching out their friends before heading downstairs. Lily waved to several people, mostly boys in their third and fourth years who looked like they’d been dared by their friends to greet the ‘older women’.
As they walked down to breakfast, Lily turned to Elizabeth. “Where were you yesterday? I didn’t have any classes with you. What N.E.W.T.s did you decide to take?”
“Oh, you know. Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, Muggle Studies, Divination . . . ”
Lily laughed at her friend. “Are you planning on taking any real classes? What in the world are you going to become with those N.E.W.T.s?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ll marry a rich guy, and then it won’t really matter, I suppose.” Elizabeth smiled. “Not everyone can be an auror. Some of us just have to settle to a life of ease, being the beautiful wife of a rich, rich, adorable, rich man.”
Lily laughed as her friend struck a pose, flinging her bouncy brown curls over her shoulder with great enthusiasm. “Whatever you say, Elizabeth. Just know, when you’re living on the streets, I will not give you a single knut.” Giggling at the offended look on Elizabeth’s face, Lily entered the Great Hall.
Her giggle was cut short when she saw Potter with his arm wrapped around Cora Armstrong’s waist.