Shame by roman_soldier
Chapter Notes: Lily faces her fear of James, but ends up too proud to allow him to clear things up. Life gets more complicated as she ends up with two men chasing her - James, in public, and Remus, only when no one else can see.
"It's not like he was making out with her or anything, he was just, uh, keeping her, um, warm?" Elizabeth bounced along, trying to keep up with Lily's power walk while dodging the smaller students heading down to breakfast.
Lily sent a scathing glare back at her friend. "It's the third of September. And I don't know about you, but it feels awfully hot in here to me. Unless her waist was for some reason cold, which seems odd," Lily rambled, still moving admirably quickly for the number of people crunched into the hallway. "But I suppose Potter sees it as his duty to warm up a girl's waist if she needs it. What a gentleman. Oh, like it even matters! I don't care what he does or doesn't do, or who he does it with. Get out of my way, will you already?!"
Several first years jumped and pressed each other close against the wall as Lily stormed through them. Elizabeth looked back at the frightened eleven-year-olds in surprise. Lily must be really mad. To Lily, protecting the tiny new kids was almost an obsession. She would help them along even when it seemed as though they'd rather just search out the Charms classroom for themselves. So much for her being the maternal type.
"Lily, seriously though, I really need some food. Are we just going to skip breakfast?" As low as the next shot she took was, Elizabeth was grouchy when she wasn't fed. And she knew just what would make Lily tick. "Does Potter really scare you off that much?"
Lily whirled back around.
"Because I thought you were strong enough to get over this little crush by now."
Elizabeth watched as her friend's eyes widened at the betrayal, and then hardened with resolve.
As expected, Lily turned promptly around and headed back down to the Great Hall. The first years saw her coming this time and ducked off into a side corridor just in case.
"It is not a crush. I feel bad for what happened last year, that's all. And no, Potter doesn't scare me. As if. I just hate public displays of affection. An intimate, romantic moment for precisely two people doesn't justify grossing out the entire rest of the school."
Lily continued walking in silence, with her head held high again. Elizabeth could tell she felt mildly idiotic for her outburst, but was convinced that Lily's stubbornness to appear unaffected by anything James Potter did would carry her through. Which meant Elizabeth would at least get her breakfast.
As the two walked back into the Great Hall, they saw James and his friends sitting down at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table. Lily quickly sat down in the nearest seat to the door. However, Elizabeth could see that James had spotted them. Lily tried to look toward the door as she filled her plate, but nonetheless was watching as James stood and waved to his friends, saying something to them that was lost in the din of the Great Hall. As he walked toward them, Lily turned to Elizabeth.
"So, you were telling me about N.E.W.T.s. Tell me about N.E.W.T.s," she said hastily as James got closer and closer.
Elizabeth caught on. "Well, I expect they'll be very difficult, don't know what I'll do, unicorns, bubotuber, uh, Neptune, Uranus, Venus."
She glanced up. James had come to stand right behind Lily, but Elizabeth could see Lily begging her to keep talking with her eyes. Unfortunately, Elizabeth was running out of planets. "Um, Mercury, and what's that one with the rings?"
"I think that would be Saturn," James said from behind Lily. Lily groaned softly and pinched the bridge of her nose with her forefinger and thumb. Why couldn't he have just kept walking?
"Er, right, Saturn,"
Elizabeth looked at Lily and realized she wasn't going to greet James. "Morning, James," she said, covering the awkward silence.
"Morning," he replied. James seemed unaffected by the fact that Lily still had not turned around and was staring resolutely at the opposite wall. "Did you ladies forget something this morning?"
Elizabeth continued to respond for the both of them. "Um, no. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I saw you leave, and then come back. Just wondering." James yawned, ruffling his hair. "So, I guess I'll see you two later. Coming to the Quidditch match next week?"
"Yeah, probably."
"Cool, well, I'll see you in Transfiguration, Evans. Later, O'Brien."
James continued on toward the doors, but turned right as he reached them. "I meant it about the match, Evans. I really want you to come."
Caught unaware, Lily looked up into James' hazel eyes. The emotion there was undescribable. Almost pleading, but slightly masked but that ever-playful air that James carried. It was normally impossible to tell if he was joking or not. But for some reason, that look . . .
James laughed softly and turned out of the doorway. Lily was at once confused as to whether he had really meant it. It felt like it, but James Potter was an accomplished actor when it came to emotion. As evidenced by that little episode with Cora Armstrong.
Lily blushed at that thought and turned back to Elizabeth, who was watching her with an odd look on her face. Lily turned her head to the side slightly, asking with her eyes to know what her friend was thinking. But Elizabeth just closed her eyes briefly and shrugged.
Lily mumbled, "Huh," before bending to shove a forkful of pancake into her mouth. Her mouth being full of food gave Lily a chance to sort out what she was going to say next before she said it. "Well, that was odd." was all that she could think of, however.
Elizabeth looked back to the doors, but could no longer see James. "Yeah, he didn't mention anything about having a secret lover whom he only hugs when he doesn't think you're around."
Lily could practically taste the sarcasm in that statement. "Excuse me, but I was referring to the fact that James seems to be on speaking terms with you."
Elizabeth scoffed at her friend. "You have got to be joking me. He was not over here to talk to me. If you had turned around maybe he would have been able to talk to the person he really wanted to."
"Well, I think this little conversation has about run its course. I'll see you at free period."
Elizabeth laughed to herself as Lily stood and walked out the door. Her walk, she noted, was now considerably angrier.
Lily was reflecting on the day's lessons when she walked back into the Gryffindor common room, so she didn't notice the odd gathering of students around the bulletin boards. She walked toward the coach in front of the fire without really seeing where she was going, and then sank down into it, dropping her book bag to the side.
It felt odd to be in classes all by herself. Obviously, she wasn't all by herself, but without Elizabeth there to joke around with, it felt like she was alone. For the past five years, Lily had sat with her one good friend in every class they had. Lily would take notes, and Elizabeth would draw doodles of the good-looking boys present that day. It had been a good system. Elizabeth was extremely bright, and for the most part could remember anything worth remembering by just halfway tuning in to what the teacher was saying. Sometimes, rarely, she would ask Lily if she could glance at one of her neat sheets of notes. Lily liked to have things more organized, but could admit that most of the time, she had ended up memorizing a bunch of useless facts from pre-prepared note cards, while Elizabeth could show up to a test with no preparation and still match or beat Lily's scores. Frustrating, yes, but Lily could appreciate the talents her friend had. Besides, without Elizabeth's fine drawings of various "hotties", Lily never would have even known who they were.
Now she felt all alone in her N.E.W.T.s. It was completely stupefying to Lily that Elizabeth would throw away two years on useless N.E.W.T.s like Divination when she was so naturally bright, but Elizabeth just saw it as two years of relaxation instead of studying. What she really seemed to want out of life was as easy an existence as she could manage. Take the easiest classes possible, hope your brown curls get you the affection of some rich man, and live a life of ease.
"Well, whatever floats your boat," she murmured to herself, watching the flames dance in the fireplace.
"Excuse me?"
Lily glanced up. She hadn't noticed Remus Lupin sitting in the nearest chair with a notebook on his lap and a quill in hand. Now he was looking at her with a confused face, and Lily realized she had spoken aloud.
"Oh. Uh, nothing. It was nothing." She reddened a little at the thought of talking to herself, but Remus just smiled and looked back down at his homework. Lily continued to study his face after he had looked away.
Remus was a Marauder - the silly name James had come up with for himself and his friends. However, Remus wasn't a traditional type of Marauder. He was quiet, withdrawn, and studious. In fact, Lily had always found it odd that he fit in with goof offs like Sirius and James. He had been present last year at the lake as well, but Lily doubted that he would ever bring up the incident. Remus wasn't the type to flaunt your mistakes and rub them in. He was kind, considerate, understanding.
Lily had come to know Remus much better last year because they had been the Gryffindor prefects together. Patrols, meetings, and special privileges had placed them in each other's company a lot. Yet, even after a year of being almost constantly around him, Lily didn't know Remus that well. He was withdrawn with anyone but the Marauders. It was odd, but he seemed to enjoy being with his friends.
Remus looked up again to find Lily staring at him. She glanced quickly away, blushing even more. Taking pity on her, he asked, "Have you seen the bulletin boards yet? Why is everyone making such a fuss?" He gestured toward the throng of students with his head.
"Uh, no, I didn't look. I've been kind of out of it today, as you can see. I'll go check."
Remus smiled at Lily as she stood to go look at the notices. Pushing her way firmly, but kindly, through the crowd, she went up on tippytoe to see over the head of a second year, and immediately spotted the bright yellow paper hanging there.
QUIDDITCH LESSONS!
WANT TO LEARN TO PLAY LIKE YOUR FAVORITE GRYFFINDOR TEAM MEMBERS?
COME DOWN TO THE PITCH THURSDAYS AT 7:00!
PRICE IS ONLY A GALLEON PER LESSON! IT'S A GREAT DEAL!
JAMES POTTER and SIRIUS BLACK
Lily rolled her eyes and pushed back through the crowd to get to her bag. As she picked it up and slung it over her shoulder, Remus looked up.
"What was it?"
Fastening her bag shut, Lily answered. "Apparently your lovely friends are giving Quidditch lessons. You'd better warn them. If someone ends up getting hurt, they'll be in trouble. I seriously doubt this is school-sanctioned," she spat. She finished messing with her bag and looked up. "'Night, Remus. I'll see you tomorrow."
Remus wished Lily a good night as well, and then watched as she walked toward the girls' staircase, lifting her bag from her shoulder and adjusting her glossy red hair so it wouldn't get caught as she went. He sighed and turned back to his notebook, tearing out the sheet he'd been drawing on, crumpling it up, and throwing it into the fire. He watched as the figure of Lily's face curled and blackened when it was licked by the flames. Then, shutting the notebook, he stood and walked to his own staircase, looking like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.