Shame by roman_soldier
Chapter Notes: Lily overhears something she shouldn't, and then misinterprets. She is feeling betrayed when Elizabeth seems to have joined ranks with the Marauders, and then James' attempt to clear things up gets way out of control.
The first time Lily came face to face with Cora Armstrong after the incident in the Great Hall was the next morning. Waking up, still in that stage halfway between dreams and reality, she overheard Cora speaking with Rachel, the fourth girl in their dorm room. Not quite cognizant, Lily only understood half of what was going on.
" . . . but then he hugged you?! I thought you were going out . . . "
" . . . yeah, but I know he's not that way, it was just . . . "
" . . . did you see her face? I mean, especially after that little outburst after O.W.L.s. How mortifying! And now I suppose she's realized how hot he is," Rachel laughed softly.
Lily had become fully aware of what was going on now. She knew exactly what they were talking about. Knowing what an awkward situation it would create if she were to "wake up" at that moment, but also really not wanting to have to stay here pretending to be asleep and listen to them gossiping about her, Lily turned over and moaned softly.
Cora and Rachel glanced at her quickly, and then gave each other guilty looks before grabbing their book bags and opening the door. Lily cracked open an eye once they were gone. Sitting up, she swept her hair back with her fingers and contemplated what she had just heard.
"I thought you were going out." Well, that cleared that up. Potter was dating Cora. But why should that matter. Obviously. As if that hug hadn't proved that.
"I know he's not that way." What was that all about? Clearly they had started discussing Lily right after that. Maybe they meant he wasn't the type to go out with Lily. After all, who was the type to go out with Lily? She had never actually had a boyfriend. Frustrated and annoyed, Lily threw back her comforter and swung her legs out of bed. She looked over at Elizabeth's bed, but she wasn't there. That was odd, normally she waited for Lily; that, or woke her up. Well, maybe she decided she'd rather hang out with Cora and Rachel and gossip about Lily.
"Girls are so petty," she growled to herself as she stumbled into the bathroom.
Lily spent the rest of the morning avoiding James Potter. He hadn't been at breakfast, as far as she could tell. However, avoiding him during classes proved to be more difficult, as he was in all the same N.E.W.T.s as she was. When he stood up, she sat down. When he sat down, she moved. When he went out of the room, she lingered behind. When he lingered behind, she sped away. It took a lot of concentration, but she didn't have to talk to him at all, so in a way it was worth it.
Another person she didn't talk to all morning was Elizabeth. She hadn't been upstairs, in the common room, or in the Great Hall during breakfast, but Lily hadn't had time to search her out before classes started.
Walking into the Great Hall for lunch, Lily immediately spotted her friend. She was sitting next to the Marauders. Grumbling, Lily adjusted the bag on her shoulder with a grunt, and then strode over to get her friend. James saw her coming and scooted over, rubbing the bench next to him suggestively. Lily gave him a look that clearly read 'do you really think I'd accept that?', and then moved on to Elizabeth.
"Where were you this morning? I couldn't find you anywhere!" Lily tried immensely to keep her eyes on Elizabeth's face when it felt as though James was staring a hole through her own.
"I was, well, I was outside."
"What were you doing out there? And during breakfast?"
Elizabeth glanced nervously at James before responding. "I was playing Quidditch. With James and Sirius."
"Excuse me? Why?" Lily was looking confused and slightly offended now. Her green eyes were sparkling with the energy she got from being mad. James watched, fascinated.
"I just wanted to. They were offering lessons . . . well, they were offering them at seven o'clock tonight, but I didn't know that, so I went down there this morning," Elizabeth explained quickly.
James cut in. "We were just messing around, the two of us, shooting goals and stuff. O'Brien came down, and, well, we did say seven o'clock, so we gave her a lesson anyway."
Lily's face flushed as he talked. He should be acting mad at her, or annoyed, or generally ignoring her, since he apparently had a girlfriend. She didn't say anything to him, just turned back to Elizabeth.
"Alright, well, let's go eat lunch," Lily said, indicating two spots further down the table with her head. Elizabeth, however, didn't move.
"Um, well, we already are eating lunch, so, uh, why don't you just sit down here, and eat with us?" Elizabeth said quietly, as they were attracting attention from other students now. But she doubted that that would work out. The rest of the Marauders were staring at Lily expectantly, waiting to see how she would take that. But Remus, Elizabeth noticed, was flushed, looking down at his plate.
"I don't think that's going to work for me. I guess . . . I guess I'll just see you later, Elizabeth."
Now James was looking down at his plate as well, with much the same expression on his face as Remus.
As Lily turned to walk away, she heard Sirius say, "Well, bad luck boys. I think someone needs to have a talk with Ms. Lily Evans about manners." Lily looked back, her face bright red, and then continued on out of the Hall. Great, she'd done it again. Why couldn't she just act normally around James? She was always making a fool of herself.
Back at the Gryffindor table, Elizabeth was looking thoughtful. "You know what?" she suddenly said. "I think someone does need to talk to Lily. But it's not me. Or Sirius," she added, rolling her eyes as Sirius raised his hand, volunteering. "I think James should be the one."
James, who had been looking at the door through which Lily had just disappeared, snapped back to reality. "What?! Why me?"
"Because you obviously like her, and I think she needs to know that. She feels really bad for what happened, you know, last year. Just tell her you don't mind," Elizabeth pleaded, imploring James to do what she asked with her eyes. Remus still stared at his hands.
"Fine, whatever. But if she just writes me off again . . . " James threatened.
Sirius cut in. "What, you'll just go on pining for the rest of your life? What a threat, James."
James narrowed his eyes at Sirius. "You know what, I keep secrets for you. I wouldn't be blabbing stuff about me all over the school, or I'll tell what I know."
"As if. You're under the Marauder's 'Code of Honor.'"
"As are you, you dimwit. I'll go talk to her."
As James stood up and walked out of the Hall, Sirius turned on Elizabeth. "What, so now, just because you've had one flying lesson with us, you get to tell the Marauders what to do? Well think again, missy!"
Elizabeth just grabbed another roll from the bowl in front of her, and swung her legs over the bench one at a time. "Whatever, Sirius."
As she walked away, Sirius leaned over to Remus. "She takes control. I like that."
Remus sighed, standing as well. "You should be on some kind of medication, Sirius," he sighed. He reached down, grabbed his bookbag, and left as well.
Seeing that he was left alone with Peter, who was still stuffing his face, Sirius stood to follow after Remus. "Later, Pete."
Peter glanced up, only then realizing that everyone had left him. Shrugging, he turned back to his food.
Lily Evans went to sit next to the lake after she had stormed out of the Great Hall. She only had about fifteen minutes left, and five of those would be taken up in walking to her next class, Charms. So, for the moment, she was savoring the few minutes she had alone.
Why had she done it again? James hadn't even said anything about the previous year. Not even when Sirius had spoken about it in Potions. So maybe he didn't care, and she was just feeling guilty for nothing. So why had she felt the need to ignore him? She was only making herself look the fool again.
Whatever attributes Lily might have had, telling herself the truth was not one of them. So when the hug James had shared with Cora Armstrong leapt to mind, she wouldn't even consider it as the reason that she was now upset with James. Well, not really James, she told herself. She was upset at herself. And not because she wasn't as good or pretty as Cora Armstrong. Oh no. Lily Evans did not get jealous. But she also wasn't going to make herself look like a fool again in front of James Potter.
Her chance to live up to that promise came sooner than she had expected. She had been lost in her own thoughts and was rather startled when the very person she had been thinking about came walking down the lawn from the castle directly toward her. He was too close for Lily to hide, but too far away to see the panicked look on her face. She smoothed out her skirt, crossing one leg over the other, and calmed herself before he came to sit next to her. She felt stupid worrying about it, but unconsciously sucked in her stomach and pulled her cloak around her.
He settled down, looking supremely comfortable in his own skin. It was the kind of confidence that Lily projected, but rarely felt. He drew own knee up toward himself and leaned back against the bank. For once, he wasn't looking at her, but was staring out over the large expanse of the lake.
"Hi," he said nonchalantly, still gazing out over the lake.
Lily turned to face him full on, wanting to explode at him, but remembering her promise to herself. "Hey, James."
James' cool exterior broke slightly and she could see that he was relieved that she wasn't mad. He glanced quickly up at her before going on. "We've got a lot of history on this lakeshore, haven't we?" The way he said it made it seem as though he didn't mind at all the years of abuse she had put him through.
Lily was shaken. "Look, James, I didn't mean . . . "
"Lily." James looked up at her and smiled the first genuine smile she'd seen from him in some time. "Relax. It's really not a big deal."
"I feel bad about the whole thing, though. I shouldn't have been so mean to you. It's not like you just went out of your way to attack Snape." At this point James' face paled, but Lily, caught up in her speech, didn't notice. "I know you're a good guy. I just . . . I don't know, I get flustered and I blow up at you."
She gets flustered? That was news to James. It made him think he had a chance. "Really, it's all forgiven. It doesn't matter now at all."
Lily looked over at him and smiled. James was being really understanding. For a second, their eyes locked, and they looked right at each other in a way they never had. Then James smiled at her, and it spoiled the moment.
Extremely embarrassed now, Lily broke the connection and looked down at her watch. "Oh man! James, class just started. We've got to get up to Charms!"
She jumped up, brushing at her pants and reaching to get her bag. James grabbed it while he got to his feet and held it out to her. Blushing, she murmured a thank you and took the strap. But he didn't let go. Lily looked up into his eyes, heart pumping, but also slightly annoyed. They really were late to class, did he not get that?
"Lily, Sirius and I are going to be down at the Quidditch pitch tonight. We're offering lessons to anyone who wants them. Why don't you come?" Seeing Lily hesitating, James rushed on. "You wouldn't have to pay, you could just come and help out. There are lots of kids who signed up, we could probably use a hand. It's at seven . . . " James trailed off as he saw Lily shaking her head.
"I really don't think Cora would like that. But thanks, James."
And with that, she tugged at her bookbag again. Stunned, James let it slide through his fingers. As she slung the strap over her shoulder and ran up the hill to the castle, hair flying behind her, James stood below, immensely confused. He had been expecting a 'no, thanks', or a 'not going to happen, Potter', or even, unlikely as it was, a 'yes'. But this?
"Cora Armstrong?! What the heck does she have to do with this?"