Shame by roman_soldier
Chapter Notes: Lily's grades are declining, but in her moment of weakness, she realizes that James isn't what she's made him out to be. She finally gives him the chance to explain, and good things happen.
Lily decided not to take Elizabeth's advice to 'talk it out' with James. What an awkward conversation that would be.
"Excuse me, but I wanted to know if you were in fact dating Cora Armstrong, why you had your hand around her waist, and after you've answered those questions, I'd just like you to know that I'm very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and I don't know why."
Oh yes, that would work.
Besides that, she felt like an idiot for flirting so openly down at the Quidditch pitch. He had a girlfriend. Was she so desperate that she was going to start throwing herself at him? Oh no. Lily Evans was not desperate. She had been so convinced that she wouldn't like him, but she had gotten caught up in the moment. And now she looked foolish in front of everyone. Again.
So Lily found herself alone, two days before the first Quidditch match of the season, bending over her cauldron in Potions, trying to get it to boil. She still hadn't caught up with what was going on, and every day just made her seem more and more like she was drowning in a huge vat of all the potions she was supposed to know how to make correctly.
"Incendio! Come on! Incendio!" The fire was already lit, it just wasn't getting any hotter. Lily growled in frustration.
"Need some help?" Lily looked up, through the thick bluish fog that covered the classroom. Of course. It was James.
"Oh, well . . . I just can't get it to go any hotter. The fire's lit, so . . . "
"I don't think your fire is the problem. Look," he said as he pointed toward the chalkboard where the instructions were copied. "You're on step five, but you didn't finish step four yet. The fire crab venom."
Lily picked up the bottle that James had motioned toward. Now her cheeks were red. She never forgot ingredients. "Oh. Well, thank you."
"Not a problem," James quipped as Slughorn approached.
The little round man peered through the smoke into Lily's cauldron. "Very nice, very nice, just a little more of that, yes, there you are, dear."
Lily poured in the remaining venom under the scrutiny of both James and Professor Slughorn. Immediately the potion started bubbling merrily.
"Nice one, Lil," James said encouragingly.
Lily looked up questioningly. He'd never called her that before. James saw her look and just shrugged, moving back to his own table.
When James had moved away, Slughorn turned back to Lily. "I was wondering if I might see you in my office after class, Ms. Evans."
"Oh, of course."
Slughorn smiled contentedly. "Alright then, my office, please."
He made his way carefully back up to his desk, stepping between cauldrons and loose ingredients.
Great, Lily thought to herself. Now, on top of the fact that her life was falling apart, she had to go speak to a teacher about it. Wonderful.
"Ms. Evans. Chocolate?" Slughorn held out the large box that he had been holding on his belly.
Lily was startled. "Oh, no, no thank you, sir."
Slughorn shrugged, shoving the offered sweet into his own mouth. Wiping his hands together, he looked up at Lily. "Well then, Ms. Evans. I'd like to discuss your grades."
"My grades, Professor?" Lily looked down at her hands in her lap.
"Yes, indeed. They are falling rather dramatically. Now, I know you are a very bright girl, so I wondered. Family trouble, perhaps? Spat with a boyfriend?" Slughorn scrutinized her over his hands, which he had peaked together at the fingers and rested on his belly.
Lily's face turned the same color as her hair. "Oh! Oh, no, sir. I just don't really understand the material."
Slughorn nodded sympathetically. "I understand, dear. Very difficult, N.E.W.T. level. Well then. I suppose we should find you a tutor."
"Oh, alright then."
Lily had never had a tutor before. She felt ashamed just needing one.
"Someone out of seventh year N.E.W.T.s, perhaps, or maybe one in your own class, as long as they really know their stuff."
Lily had gathered herself together sufficiently to answer, "That would be fine, Professor."
"Well then. I'll start looking for volunteers immediately. Sure you don't want a chocolate?" Lily declined again, and stood to leave.
"Nothing to be ashamed of dear, having a tutor. Just until you get caught up."
Lily turned back to see the teacher's knowing smile.
"I know, Professor. Thank you."
Slughorn nodded, so Lily turned and left the office.
That night, Lily was sitting with Elizabeth at a table on the side of the common room. Lily had taken out her Potions homework, and Elizabeth was doodling a picture of Lily, adding in comments to the side like, 'spicy hot red hair' or 'the lips that James Potter wants to kiss'. Lily's brow furrowed as she got to the potion they had been doing two days ago. What came after jellyfish spine? Did jellyfish even have spines? Lily sighed and crossed out the last couple of sentences with vicious stabs of her quill. Elizabeth looked up at her quizzically, laying her notebook down as she did so.
"Lily, what the heck is your problem? You've been huffing and puffing like the wolf himself for the past fifteen minutes."
"It's just this idiotic potions home - what is that?!" Lily jabbed her quill toward Elizabeth's notebook and the picture of herself.
"Oh!" Elizabeth grabbed it and try to shove it out of sight. "It's nothing . . . "
But Lily had already taken hold of the corner and pulled it toward herself. "'Lips that James Potter wants to kiss'?! What do you . . . "
At that exact moment, Remus came and sat down next to Lily. "You like to draw too? That's really cool! Show me yours, and I'll show you mine."
Lily glared at Elizabeth. "No, really, I don't like people to . . . " But Remus had already taken it.
Lily watched as Remus mouthed the words on the paper in front of him. Then he turned red, offered the book back to Lily, and stood up. "Well, I really think I should be going. Lots of, you know, homework and stuff. See you later, Lily."
He nodded toward Elizabeth, and then made his way up the guy's staircase.
Lily stared after him. "You have got to be kidding me! Not Remus too," she muttered under her breath.
Elizabeth took her notebook back, smiling sheepishly at Lily. "I got carried away, I guess. I didn't know Remus drew, though. That's kind of cute . . . "
Lily didn't hear; she was too busy banging her head against the table. "How -could I possibly - be driving - two - Marauders - up a tree - at the - same - time?" She punctuated each word with a bump of her head.
Elizabeth looked amused. "Well really, Lily, to be fair, you're only driving Remus up a tree. James drove himself up there. But now that he's dating Cora, maybe he's come down a bit . . . "
Elizabeth's analogy was interrupted by Cora herself. She, unbeknownst to the two of them, was in the arm chair right next to their table, facing the fire. At Elizabeth's words, however, she swung around, sticking her head out of one side.
"Who am I dating?"
Lily raised her eyebrows at Elizabeth, who was looking extremely flustered now.
"Oh, well, we heard that you were dating Potter, but . . . "
"James Potter? Who told you that? I've been going out with Matthew for the past week and a half!" Her eyes narrowed. "Was it Rachel? Everyone just wants to spread rumors about me!"
Cora stood up and stormed off in a huff. Lily smiled, amused, but didn't say anything. It was Elizabeth who spoke.
"Well then, that clears that up quite nicely, I should think."
"I think I'll go . . . well, anyway. What time is it?" Lily started to pack up her Potions book and roll of parchment into her bag. She looked up at the clock on the wall to get her answer. Elizabeth turned around to look as well.
Twenty-five minutes after the hour.
"Conveniently, I believe the Gryffindor Qudditch team's practice ends at 8:30," Elizabeth casually mentioned.
Lily grinned at her friend. For once, not making a crack about Lily's supposed feelings toward James. She appreciated it. She turned to go.
"Hey, leave your bag, it's hard to kiss while carrying a ton of books!"
Lily knew it was too good to be true. She turned and threw the book bag back at Elizabeth. With one last smirk, she twirled away, over-dramatically swinging her hips in the imitation of a super-model.
"Don't wait up!" she called over her shoulder, all thoughts of Remus behind her.
James was still down on the pitch when Lily found him. He had waved the rest of the team on, shooing away some of the girls watching from the stands as well. They left pouting, throwing glances behind them. He raised one hand in greeting toward Lily, letting her know he had seen her, and then went to lock the door to the locker rooms. She waited, leaning against the wooden fence on the side of the pitch. She was watching the sky darken, looking for the first star of the night, when James returned, carrying his own broom and his Quidditch bag. He laid them down at his feet.
Then he stood beside her for a moment, just watching the sky with her. She could smell his cologne. It wasn't pushy or strong, it was just . . . noticeable. And comforting. She could also tell from looking at him that it had been a tough practice. His face was shining and his cheeks were red. But none of it looked bad. It was just James.
Finally he said something.
"You told me next time you'd bring your own broom. I don't see it. Pulling my leg, Evans?" He grinned in that roguish way he had, looking down at her. Somehow, his intimidating size wasn't so intimidating anymore. It was . . . protecting. Lily scooted a little closer.
She scoffed. "I do have a broom. And I bet it could outstrip yours any day."
"Oh, clearly, but you were too afraid to bring it down here and test it out," James' smile let her know he was only joking. "How'd you learn to fly so well anyway? Aren't you Muggle-born?"
Lily folded her arms across her chest. Even in September, it was chilly at night. "I was . . . we'll just say, ‘less than perfect' when they gave us those couple of lessons first year, you remember?" He nodded, so she went on. "Well, I'm not the sort of person to be ‘less than perfect', so I worked on it. I . . . " Lily looked up sternly. "If you tell anyone this, you'll die, understand?"
James looked amused, but nodded anyway.
"I stole a school broom first year to practice on."
That was a shock. James laughed right out loud. "Lily Evans, you stole school property?! Why, you little hypocrite!"
If James was expecting Lily to defend herself, he was surprised by her reaction. Her face crumpled, and she looked devastated. "Please, James, don't tell anyone, I felt so bad . . . "
He cut her off with a couple of fingers over her lips. She was so surprised that she stopped apologizing immediately.
"Lil, you have a habit of beating yourself up for things that are completely not worth it. Believe me, I've stolen more things from this school - chalk, food, snitches - than anyone else that has ever gone through it. Don't worry about it." Only then did James realize he was still holding his fingers over her mouth. In a rare show of emotion, he snatched them quickly away. Blushing, he continued.
"So, you taught yourself to fly?"
Still mildly in shock, Lily just nodded numbly.
"When did you get your own broom?"
Now she responded. "Fourth year. My mum thought two hundred pounds for a broom was ridiculous, but then, they're Muggles, so they wouldn't really understand."
"One of the new Nimbus models?" he asked, and she nodded again. "Nice, nice. I'm still betting on mine though. It's a Cleansweep, but it's dependable."
Lily laughed haughtily. "Whatever you say. We'll go sometime, see if you can deliver on all these big promises."
They both laughed, and then stayed quiet for a moment. Lily had found the first star. It was above the forest in the distance. After a minute, James looked down again.
"So, not to be rude, but, why are you talking to me?" Then, realizing how rude that sounded, James flushed. "I just meant . . . "
"I know what you meant. I found out something interesting today in the common room."
Surprised that she had so neatly avoided the question, he raised his eyebrows, but indicated that she should go on.
"I found out that you are not, in fact, dating Cora Armstrong."
That completely floored him. "Why would you think that I was?"
This time, Lily flushed. "Oh, well, I saw you hug her in the Great Hall."
"I thought you had seen that. That's why you turned and left?" She nodded. Now he was speaking earnestly, wanting to communicate this to her. "That was only a hug, Lil, and she was the one that instigated it. You really thought we were dating because of one hug?"
Now Lily looked sheepish. She turned halfway away from him. "Well, I thought I heard them talking about it, but I guess they never actually said that."
James walked right up to her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and spun her around to face him. Looking her straight in the eyes, he assured, "I have never held you to blame for exposing me as the dork I was last year. I never have, and probably never will, go out with Cora Armstrong. I'm not mad at you because you stole some school broom to practice on in first year."
Lily's green eyes were glistening as she looked up into his.
"Any other misconceptions I can clear up for you?"
"Probably never will go out with Cora?" she giggled softly.
He grinned back, pulling her into a hug. "Definitely never will go out with Cora," he whispered into her ear. "And this hug does mean something."
Lily blushed and pulled away. It was now full dark, but Lily didn't feel apprehensive at all. She had James there to protect her.
"We should probably go up," he stated, motioning toward the lit up castle above them.
"Yes," she agreed.
James slung his bag over his shoulder, carrying his broom with the same hand.
"Shall we?" he invited, offering Lily his hand.
She hesitated, but then took it. "I guess we shall."
As they started up the hill, she remembered something. "So, James, how do you feel about being a Potions tutor?"
He laughed, squeezing her hand. "I think I feel pretty good about that."