She had no clue what to do, say, or think anymore. She stared at Dumbledore critically, tracing her mouth with one finger.
The Headmaster let her mull things over for a minute, then he asked, "Shall I get Severus?"
Selena hesitated. "Yes," she said slowly. "Yes, that would be a good idea."
Dumbledore nodded and swept out of the door. Selena chewed on the inside of her lip nervously.
After several minutes Dumbledore returned, Severus in tow.
"I shall leave you two," said Dumbledore cheerfully. His eyes twinkled as he shut the door. She watched him as he departed, feeling rather annoyed at how calm he could be through all of this.
"So," said Selena, looking at Severus. "So…you changed your mind, apparently."
"Apparently," said Severus lightly.
Selena waited, but Severus simply leaned casually against Dumbledore’s desk, and gazed at the pictures of the former Headmasters and Headmistresses.
"Well?" Selena asked finally. "Why?"
"Why did I apply for a teaching position?"
"No!" said Selena impatiently. "Why did you decide to leave You-Know-Who?"
"Surely that would have been obvious to you, Selena."
"How’s that?"
"You said it from the start," said Severus calmly, examining a strange silver object on Dumbledore’s desk. "The Dark Lord does not have the right ideas."
Selena waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. "That’s all you have to say?" she finally inquired.
"That’s the truth," said Severus. "I’m admitting you were right, isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?"
"This isn’t about a stupid childhood game of being right or wrong," said Selena. "What made you change your mind?"
"I just told you."
"Hardly."
Severus continued looking at the strange device. "The Dark Lord does not have the right idea," he said, idly twiddling the object between his fingers. "He may think he is doing good, but…well…he’s wrong."
"That’s all you have to say," said Selena flatly. "That’s it."
"That sums it up," said Severus.
"I have to leave," said Selena, standing from the chair and striding away.
"What for?"
"This is a waste of time," said Selena, turning to face him. "If you want me to trust you, you’re going to have to be more open than this."
"That is not a reason that you have to leave," said Severus, the makings of a sneer beginning to form on his face. "That is a reason you want to leave."
"Oh, you want a reason I need to leave?" Selena said, her temper rising. "Well, see – my arm’s feeling pretty hot."
Severus looked up at her, still absently fiddling with the object. "What?"
"My arm’s hot," Selena repeated. "They’ve started using those flat devices at St. Mungo’s."
Severus cocked one eyebrow, clearly not having a clue as to what she meant.
"You know," said Selena, her eyes boring into his. "Those objects that you attach to your arm, and that heat up when they need you back at work? The devices that you had at your old job?"
The sneer was gone from Severus’ face; they stared silently at each other for a moment, then Selena turned and headed for the door.
"Selena…"
She reached for the door and grasped the knob.
"Selena, wait."
She spun around angrily. "Wait? Wait for what?! I’m done waiting for you, Severus. That’s what I did the first seventeen years of my life. But I’m older, and so are you. We’ve both changed, I don’t know about for the better – " she paused as she eyed him, repulsed " – but regardless, we’re different now. What’s happened has happened, but that doesn’t mean that it has to happen again."
With that, she turned on her heel and opened the door.
Severus’ next words were so quiet that she barely heard them: "Don’t go."
He sounded so desperate, so weak, so unlike his normal self. Was his guard wavering? It struck her so hard that she halted right where she was.
"Just – just listen, without interrupting, for once in your life. Okay?"
She didn’t turn to face him, but she stayed in the room and shut the door to indicate she would remain, her hand still on the knob.
"I thought that the Dark Lord was right. All my friends had me convinced – and I had always been intrigued by the Dark Arts. This was everything I wanted. I could observe the Dark Arts up close, watch them, understand them. It wasn’t a fascination with the actual torturing initially…it was more just the complexity of everything, the skill.... This wasn’t just some weak branch of magic, no more charming teacups to dance or turning a table to a cat…this was bigger, this was real, and this was something that I thought I might want to do with my life, if I could change the way they were used."
Selena fingered the doorknob in her hand, feeling the smoothness underneath it.
"But soon I became convinced that the Dark Arts were a good thing, if used on Muggles and Muggleborns…I always knew that I wasn’t much better than a Muggleborn, but…after living with a lie for a long period you often can partially convince yourself it’s true.
"It really is what some people believe is right…Lucius, Bellatrix, all of them.... Soon they convinced me that there really is no right or wrong, no good or evil…only power, and those too weak to seek it."
Her fingers continued traveling across the knob; not even in her youth had she listened to a story with such rapt attention.
"I have done…awful things. I’ve controlled, tortured, and murdered innocent people."
Selena drew in a sharp breath, her hand grasped the knob so tightly her knuckles began to whiten and her circulation was cut off slightly. Unwanted images flew rapidly through her mind, playing out before her eyelids that had snapped shut at his words.
"I have been trying my best to avoid the Unforgivable Curses ever since my first taste of it, only skimming the outskirts of the Dark Arts, so that he would not question my loyalty. But recently…I told him information that he is planning on putting to great use…and it will result in three murders."
He went on to tell her, in that same cool, collected voice, about overhearing a part of a prophecy, and how the Potters’ were soon to be murdered. She just listened to him, letting his words wash over her. Finally, she managed to face him. He was still twirling the object absently in his hand, gazing vaguely at the wall.
"I made a mistake," said Severus quietly. "It’s not something I’m proud of, alright? But I did…and I’m living with it. Because that’s what we do…live with what we’ve done, live with our mistakes, the life we’ve made for ourselves."
Selena bit the inside of her lip, her eyes stinging painfully. Now she felt completely lost, she had no clue what to think…all of this seemed so real, what he was saying…but of course, she had been fooled for the first part of her life.... And he was still using Occlumency. Did that mean this was just some story? Or did it just show that some part of him was still scared of others, not to mention of himself?
She wanted to say something but could think of nothing. It was funny how, with so many words in the English language to choose from, she could not string any together in that minute. She wanted desperately to trust him again, but should she? Could she? She didn’t want her heart playing with her again. But maybe things were different now…
After a long silence Severus looked up at her. "If your arm is still hot, you can leave. I’ve said what I wanted you to hear."
It all fell into place for her in that moment: what he said wasn’t some made-up story. He was telling the truth – he had to be. His face was, as usual, completely blank, but his eyes had a strange look in them: he looked pained, scarred, apprehensive, almost vulnerable. She did not think she had ever seen such a look in his, or anyone’s, eyes. Trying to put the expression in his black eyes into words wasn’t possible, but that didn’t change it. And that was when she realized: this is real.
Her unshed tears spilled freely from her eyes. Her vision blurred, she ran at Severus and threw her arms around his neck, sobbing hard against him.
"Selena," he said quietly. "It’s okay…everything’s fine…"
"I’m sorry," Selena managed to choke out.
"You’re sorry?" Severus repeated softly. "No, Selena…I’m the one who should be sorry."
An arm wrapped loosely around her back, followed by another. A hesitation, then after a moment they pulled tighter against her. They stood silently for several moments; how long, Selena was not sure, but she did not care in the slightest. Finally Selena pulled away, wiping her eyes. Embarrassed for loosing control like that, something that she (and her brother) had always prided themselves in not doing, she muttered a spell to eliminate the redness of her eyes. She leaned against Severus and placed her head on his shoulder, trying to calm herself.
"Severus," she began weakly. "Severus, I…I – "
"Some things don’t need to be said," Severus said quietly.
And thank Merlin for that, Selena thought.
Several moments of silence passed, or perhaps minutes, or maybe even days; then the siblings heard a door creak open. The two hastily jumped apart to their former places; Selena to the chair, Severus leaning nonchalantly against Dumbledore’s desk.
Dumbledore came into his office, smiling. "How are you two doing?"
"We’ve sorted out everything, Headmaster," said Severus, without a trace of emotion in his voice.
"Wonderful," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling again. "In that case, Severus, I need you to come with me. Selena, thank you for taking the time to come out here."
"Not a problem," said Selena casually.
"Perhaps we shall see you around?"
Selena cast a sideways glance at Severus. "I’d say most likely."
Dumbledore nodded, and turned to leave. Severus followed, giving Selena something close to a smile as he exited.
***
"Are we all ready?" said Alastor Moody quietly.
"Yes," Remus Lupin replied softly. "I believe so."
Selena voiced that she was, so the threesome set off into the forest.
Although inside, she did not feel ready. She had been more content lately with the present situation, it was true, but she couldn’t avoid the nagging voice in the back of her head: Severus might be here…you could run into him.... She was scared of what her reaction would be if this thought came true.
Then again, it’s not like he’s the only Death Eater, Selena tried to reassure herself. Voldemort probably has hundreds of them by now…
But they were going into the woods to capture Death Eaters, and perhaps eliminate some dementors; on mission for the Order. What if they caught someone, and it was him? Or what if he showed up in the midst of some battle they were having? What if he knew that they were coming, and he and others were just waiting to spring? What if…what if…what if…
She attempted to shrug off the suddenly increased chill surrounding her, a chill that was both physical and psychological. There were dementors near.
"Are you alright, Selena?" Remus asked quietly.
She jumped slightly. "Yes, yes, I’m fine. Fine." Her tone did not match her words, but Remus let her be, and they walked for several minutes in silence.
A silvery shape suddenly came lunging at her. Selena hastily ducked. Quickly turning her head, she realized the figure was Moody’s patronus. It was hurtling straight towards a large group of dementors.
It seemed both Selena and Remus both understood what was happening at the same instant, as their voices rang out in unison: "Expecto patronum!"
Selena’s black rat snake and Remus’ turtle rushed the dementors, right behind the mountain lion. But as the group of dementors spread out slightly, with the ones who had been hidden in the back coming out, they left with violent snaps.
They did this twice more, but to no avail. The dementors were simply coming nearer and nearer, enclosing the three.
"Expecto patronum!" said Selena weakly. Her legs were shaking, she felt as though she would be sick at any moment. Her snake vanished only several seconds after leaving her wand.
White fog surrounded Selena; she couldn’t see, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t escape. There was no way out. Voices mingled and blended: she could hear her mother pleading; her father roaring; Severus shouting; herself yelling; and long, terrified screams that belonged to victims of various incidents.
Let it end, Selena thought desperately. Make it stop.
She slumped against the trees and bushes, her robes tangling amongst the twigs and branches. She didn’t have any sense of what was happening around her, still immersed in the fog and the voices. She couldn’t have known that the dementors were gliding closer, ever closer, towards the three people now quite incapable of movement…
Another voice was drifting into her ears, coming clearer over the rest: "Out of the way! That’s right, move it! Go on, get going!"
Even though Selena’s thoughts were constricted, she dimly realized that whether it was Moody or Remus who was yelling at the dementors, they were acting rather foolish. You don’t just talk to a dementor to make it leave, what did they think they were doing?
Something grabbed her firmly and hauled her upward. The cold was decreasing slightly. Selena tried to talk to whoever or whatever was there, but was too faint to do so. Still enclosed by the fog, she fell limp against the body that was supporting her, and remembered nothing else.
A/N: Explaination of Selena's patronus:
I spent a LOT of time trying to figure out an appropriate patronus for Selena. I settled on a black rat snake (also known as the pilot black snake). It is a non-venomus species of snake, found in North America.
Patronuses are supposed to represent something or someone that protects you. The only person I could ever see filling this role for Selena was Severus. I've always seen Severus having a snake Animagus (if he is one) so decided that Selena needed a snake patronus.
I chose the black rat snake specifically though. The rat snakes are often thought to be copperheads. Copperheads are a poisoness snake, and while rat snakes will bite if threatened, are not related to the copperhead, nor are in any way poisoness. This was supposed to reflect how people sometimes pass judgement on Selena being Severus' sister, even if it's not something she can control.