She had no clue what to write back to her brother. What could she say? This was getting pointless. But she wasn’t going to let him win this.
She absent-mindedly traced her mouth with her pointer finger, staring vaguely at the kitchen wall. What would Merlin do, she thought, smiling ruefully at the long worn out joke between witches and wizards.
Ten minutes later, she was still gazing at a blank piece of parchment. Perhaps I should forget this. Just stop writing. But she was still curious. Would she really be able to leave all her curiosity behind?
Twenty minutes later, she still had not even touched the quill.
Thirty three minutes later, she sighed and rested her head on her hand.
Forty seven minutes later, she released a cry of frustration and banged one hand on the table. Upon hearing this, Apollo flew in and perched on the kitchen counter. He then stared at her intently with his yellow eyes, cocking his head slightly to one side.
Selena let out a slow breath. She hated wasting time like this, but she really wanted to write something. She needed to write something. She knew she wouldn’t be able to do anything if she was full of fierce anger at herself for losing this battle, this written war between her and her brother. Not to mention the anger at herself for worrying about someone she knew she shouldn’t even be worrying about.
Fifty minutes. With fresh determination, Selena poised the quill in her hand, dipped it in the ink, and wrote:
Who the hell are you?
She stared at it for a moment. Was this what I wanted to say? It took her a moment, then she realized the answer was yes. Because it was true. She didn’t know him anymore.
I never did.
The thought sent a icy finger through the air. She shivered in the now cold atmosphere, then beckoned Apollo over and tied the scroll to his leg. She watched him nip her finger affectionately, then swoop through the window and out into the sky.
***
It was Friday night. The dreaded night. Date night.
Knock knock!
"How did I know it was going to be you?" Selena moaned.
"Hey," said Melissa with a grin, pushing past Selena, "I can’t always be unpredictable."
"What do you want?"
"To make sure you go through with this," said Melissa cheerily. "And I brought you some things to wear."
"I do have a closet, you know," Selena said, falling into a chair.
"Just take a look." Melissa unwrapped a bundle she’d been holding, and tossed it out grandly, smiling smugly. Selena, who had been looking pointedly at the ground, stole a glance and found herself unable to look away, so filled with horror. It was a dress robe of a brilliant shade of pink. The material was soft and billowy, waving gently as it was unrolled.
"I’m not wearing that," she said immediately.
"Well, there is always option two," said Melissa, laying the hideous robes across a armchair and unfolding another material. These robes were a deep blue velvet, and they were covered in tiny silver and gold sparkles that shimmered ridiculously bright with every twitch you made.
"I’m not wearing that either," said Selena decisively.
"You’re going to wear one of them," said Melissa just as decisively.
"We’re going to a bar, Melissa."
"Doesn’t hurt to look impressive."
"I don’t want to look impressive!"
Melissa smirked. "Of course you don’t. Now – " she held up one robe in each hand " – are you going to go with option number one – " she lifted the pink robes " – or option number two?" She raised the blue ones.
"Or option number three," said Selena, standing up in a fume. "None of the above."
Melissa looked at the robes, then looked at her friend, still smiling.
"I’m serious, you know," Selena informed her. "In fact, I think I’m going to cancel the date completely."
Melissa pursed her lips and looked at her in a ‘uh-huh, sure’ sort of way.
"This is the most pointless thing ever, and I can’t believe you even set me up like this," Selena continued babbling. "Just because I liked him – what, twenty years ago? – doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to fall at his feet tonight! I don’t know how you even got the idea that this could go well…"
She rambled on, but her pleas were turned to deaf ears. Within five minutes, Selena was standing in front of her full length mirror. She had managed to wear her own robes, but they were still dress robes, a shade of purple that Melissa had given her consent to.
"They’re pretty nice, actually," said Melissa, peering over her shoulder. "The color does complement your eyes nicely."
"My eyes are brown, Melissa, not purple."
"Complements, Selena, not matches." Melissa rolled her eyes but didn’t seem too annoyed, if how much she was beaming was any indication. Selena, meanwhile, glared at her reflection.
"Now what to do with your hair," Melissa mused, picking up a lock of Selena’s hair and twirling it between her fingers.
"Don’t even go there," Selena warned.
In the end, Melissa settled for smoothing some sort of glup on her friend’s hair (Selena did not want to ask what) that made it shiny and sleek. This was done on the promise that Selena would wear the long, dangling, diamond chandelier earrings Melissa had brought along.
"You know what?" said Selena, as she put in the earrings in a defeated manner.
"What?"
"You’re acting like it’s your daughter’s first date: doting excessively, giggling, and squealing."
Melissa snickered at this.
"I hope you don’t do this to Susan every time she goes out," said Selena, putting in the other earring. "If you do, I pity her."
Melissa sighed. "Susan’s usually at Hogwarts when she goes out. So, no, just you."
"I’ll remember that," Selena vowed.
"I don’t doubt it."
Selena turned around to face her. Melissa beamed proudly, just like the excited parent Selena had mirrored her to moments before. "You look beautiful!" she gushed.
"I look ridiculous, Melissa."
"You’re just not used to looking like this," Melissa consoled. "You look gorgeous, trust me."
"I don’t want to look gorgeous," Selena whined pathetically. "I just want to look like myself."
"You might," said Melissa, grinning slyly, "but I’m sure Curtis wouldn’t mind seeing you like this."
Selena’s eyes narrowed angrily. "You – "
"Now, I arranged for you to meet him at eight," said Melissa quickly, "so you should probably leave now." She hugged Selena. "Have fun!"
"I will," Selena reassured her. Melissa either didn’t catch the sarcasm, or she chose to ignore it, and pushed her friend out the door. Selena Apparated to Hogsmeade and strode into The Three Broomsticks.
Oh my God. There he was. How many years had it been since she’d seen him? Five? Ten? Thirteen? Whatever it was, it had certainly been awhile. But Curtis Blackwood still looked quite like he had at Hogwarts: tall, nervous, blonde, cute, awkward, funny, and sweet was how she had thought of him when she was at school. As for now…?
She reflected on their history together; not that they had much of one. Both she and Curtis had shared mutual feelings for each other at Hogwarts. But, like with everything else, Severus had gotten in the way. She was able to deal with his teasing and rude comments about Curtis (naturally, such things were usually to be expected from any sibling), but what she couldn’t handle was Severus’ growing fascination with the Dark Arts. So Severus had become her top priority, and she had contented herself with tiny smiles in her crush’s direction. And now here he stood.
"Hey, Selena," he said, walking towards her, a smile playing at his mouth.
She smiled weakly. "Hi, Curtis."
They spent a couple very awkward heartbeats standing there, then Curtis jerked his head towards a table. "Shall we…?"
"Yes, of course," said Selena hurriedly.
The pair ordered drinks and then settled themselves at a table.
"So," said Curtis, taking a taste of his Firewhiskey and leaning back in his chair leisurely. "How’ve you been?"
How’ve you been? Was he just trying to be polite and start a conversation? Or was he trying to imply something? What would he be implying though? Something about her brother? Or maybe he was trying to figure out why she’d ‘accepted’ to go out with him. Did he think she didn’t want to be here? What had she done to give him that signal? Maybe he wasn’t having a good time and was trying to think of how to get out of there. But –
You think too much, Snape, she thought, and she tried to clear her head of all thought as she said, "I’m doing okay, and you?"
"Fair," Curtis replied.
Some pointless words were spoken after that; polite chatter about work and Quidditch. Selena could feel the tense atmosphere nearly choking her. It was so thick she could have probably broken it with a hammer.
I am going to kill Melissa, Selena thought, clenching her teeth and glaring at the happy couples sitting at the other tables.
She tried to be a good date, she really did. But soon her attention had wandered back to a subject she wished she had worn out long ago…
***
She was running through a long narrow hallway. Running, running, running…it seemed the farther she ran the longer it looked like she’d have to go. Why she was running, she didn’t know, but she did know she needed to get there…
As she continued on, she could see vague shapes beginning to come into focus. She kept on. They were people, she could now see, two of them. But what were they doing…?
One of them had a wand out, pointing it at the other, who was begging. Selena strained to hear their words:
"No…please, don’t…please…"
The other person laughed coldly. Selena squinted, trying desperately to see. They both sounded like men…but that didn’t tell her a whole lot. The laughing one wore a Death Eater mask. The figure on the ground had rather longish hair…and it looked black. But that couldn’t be…
"Don’t…no, please…"
"Avada Kedavra!" the figure with the wand cried. The other person fell limp, dead.
Echoes of laughter from the murderer bounced on the dark walls and Selena scream joined it. Severus isn’t dead, she thought, running faster than she ever thought possible. He’s not.
Athletics had never been her strong point, but she was running as fast as the best her age now, her feet barely brushing the ground. The figures were coming in closer…the caster of the spell was walking away…but that wasn’t her brother on the ground…
She finally came to a stop in front of the person, breathing heavily and feeling like she would collapse. She couldn’t tell who the man was, but it wasn’t her brother, that was for sure.... She swayed dizzily, feeling almost delirious with happiness.
"Thank God!" she cried into the dark hallway, gasping for air. "Oh, thank God…"
Upon hearing her yelling, the other person turned. Selena’s yells caught in her throat, fear penetrating her body. But the person didn’t draw out their wand. Instead, they smiled slowly at her. Then they reached up to their face and took off their mask…but Selena couldn’t see who it was, as the figure still stood immersed in shadows.
"Don’t tell me you can’t recognize your own family," the man said quietly. He started forward slowly. "You disappoint me, Selena."
The man stepped into the tiny shiver of light. His features were illuminated, shinning clearly: A young man with long black hair and a hooked nose was smiling widely at her.
Selena didn’t scream this time; too horrified, too in denial.
"No," she whispered. "No…Severus…"
Severus began laughing again, and Selena took off in the direction she had come…but the laughs were getting closer…she couldn’t escape him....
And then, as suddenly as she was in the dark hall, she was lying flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling of her dormitory and panting as though she really had just run down that long hallway. She lay staring up at the ceiling for several more minutes, letting the dream wash over her and feeling her heart race. It wasn’t real, she reminded herself repeatedly. It was a dream. It didn’t happen and it never will.
But certain parts of the dream were so real that it could have happened. Not the part with the hallway changing lengths of course, and with her running endlessly through it, but the part with Severus…that was what she had been fearing, after all…
Stop it, Selena told herself sharply.
Seeing as sleep was not even a possibility now that she was wide awake, Selena decided to head down to the Common Room to finish up some homework. It was 3:34 AM according to her watch; very early, but she wasn’t tired. She silently gathered her things and left the dormitory. She was barely out the door when she heard voices. She halted immediately.
"…so you see, there are many advantages to joining up with him. I plan to as soon as I get out of here."
Bellatrix, Selena thought scathingly. Why is she up so late? And who’s she talking to?
Selena got her answer the very next moment.
"How is Lucius getting on with it?"
Severus? Talking to Bellatrix?! She had thought that that was one of the few thing she and Severus had in common: a mutual dislike for the haughty, poised pureblood. But she knew her brother’s voice well, and that was certainly him downstairs talking to her. In the middle of the night, no less. Selena quickly ducked down so as not to be seen.
"He’s getting on great," said Bellatrix. "Why wouldn’t he be? He’s in service to the greatest sorcerer in the world."
"I was just…wondering," said Severus casually.
"I can’t wait ‘til I get out of here," Bellatrix continued. "To be in his service…live up to my family name…just the rest of this year and I’m in.... I’ve already spoken to him."
"Have you?"
"Yes."
"How did you come about that?"
"Rodolphus Lestrange took me."
"What was it like?"
"Wondrous. The Dark Lord…"
Bellatrix went on, but Selena temporarily tuned her out; her thoughts ringing louder than the older girl’s words. The Dark Lord? Did she mean You-Know-Who? But…
"…it’s a life debt, but I don’t see why you would back out anyway, unless you were completely foolish."
"I see."
"You are going to join up with him, correct?"
"You mean He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Bellatrix scoffed. "The Dark Lord, Severus. Yes, that’s who I mean. You are, aren’t you?"
Selena waited for his response with baited breath.
"There are positives and negatives to every situation," said Severus slowly.
"Positives and negatives?"
"Yes…certainly I could see advantages, Bellatrix, but you must look at everything carefully."
He just doesn’t want Bellatrix on his bad side, Selena tried to convince herself. He’d never join up with You-Know-Who.
"What the hell is negative about joining the Dark Lord?" Bellatrix wanted to know, her voice raising slightly in temper.
"Watch your volume," said Severus calmly. "Maybe the fact that you become a wanted wizard the minute someone spots you doing the tasks he sets you to?"
"Pfft," said Bellatrix dismissively. "It’s all for a good cause. Besides, if you’re careful no one will ever know. You need to straighten out your priorities, Severus. You’ll see."
"Perhaps...."
"You’ve been seeing your sister, haven’t you?" Bellatrix said suddenly.
"It would be hard not to seeing as we’re both in Slytherin…"
"You know what I mean," snapped Bellatrix.
"Do I?"
"Don’t act thick. She can’t see any sense. Her and her friend. They do dishonor to Slytherin, if you ask me."
"How’s that?" Severus sounded amused, but there was something else in his tone as well…something that sounded as though it might care about what her response would be.
"She thinks anything with Dark Arts is terrible…and has completely the wrong attitude about the Dark Lord.... I don’t know why you even interact with her. I do everything possible to avoid contact with my sister Andromeda, that dim-witted – "
"Are thinking highly of You-Know-Who and the Dark Arts qualities of Slytherin House?" Severus interrupted.
"Of course not…but generally us students in Slytherin appreciate the Dark Lord. It’s one of the ‘unofficial rules’, if you will…you know, like passing notes in class or going out of the castle after hours. The point is, you’d do better not to associate with her. She’ll meddle with your thoughts, ruin your reputation."
"What reputation?" Now he definitely sounded amused.
Bellatrix ignored him. "The Dark Lord is the right way, Severus. The Dark Lord is the only way. Just remember that."
"Actually, I was aware that there are two ways; his way and the other side’s way."
"I meant the only correct way, as you very well know," said Bellatrix impatiently. "Don’t make the wrong choice. Hopefully at least something I’ve said tonight has gotten through to you." There was a pause, then she said, "We’d better get back in bed before someone notices our absence."
Footsteps could be heard coming up the steps. Selena quickly and silently slipped back into her dormitory, her mind racing.
***
"You didn’t agree to come here tonight, did you?"
"Huh?" Real smooth, Snape. She looked at him, slightly dazed.
"You didn’t agree to come here tonight," Curtis said again, though this time he said it more of a statement than a question.
"No, that’s not tr – " Selena started to tell him, but stopped when she saw the look in his eyes.
"Why didn’t you just say so?"
"I – you’re – Curtis, you’re a nice guy. I’m just not…" She wasn’t sure what she wasn’t, so she didn’t finish and instead chose to finger the rim of her glass.
They sat silently for a few minutes, listening to other’s happiness around them, yet somehow excluded from it.
"You don’t seem happy."
Selena met his eyes, and smiled for his benefit. "I’m fine. But tonight has been – well, awkward."
"It’s not just about tonight, though," said Curtis. Merlin, she wished he would stop looking at her like that. "You’re just…I don’t know…troubled."
She had to look away. "I’m fine."
"He doesn’t base his joy on account of your happiness," said Curtis quietly, "so why are you returning a favor that needn’t be paid?"
He didn’t have to say which ‘he’ he was talking about. There was only one person people referred to her like that.
Selena slammed her glass down. It was a miracle it didn’t shatter.
"Would everyone stop bringing him into conversation?" she said through gritted teeth.
"You can still live your life, Selena," said Curtis, as though he hadn’t heard her. "It shouldn’t matter what he’s done with his."
"Listen up, pal – "
"No, Selena, you need to listen." She was surprised to hear how angry he sounded. "Both of you are two different people, and you may not see it, but people realize that. You’re living in a hole because of him – "
"Excuse me," said Selena in a soft, dangerous voice, "I don’t need you to tell me how to run my life, Blackwood, when you can’t even figure out how to run yours."
His eyebrows shot up. "What’s that supposed to mean?"
"Figure it out," Selena spat. She snapped at Madam Rosmerta, who was passing by, to top off her glass; looking determinedly anywhere but her date, who seemed to have the opposite idea.
"Selena…"
She waited a couple of seconds, then, seeing that he was not giving up, glared at him. "Yes?" she said waspishly.
"Look – "
"I am looking."
"I don’t mean literally."
"Then you’ll have to be more specific," said Selena, her cold tone matching her eyes.
"Why are you blaming yourself? You have nothing to do with him anymore – "
"What makes you so sure?" She regretted saying it the instant it left her lips.
Curtis’ eyebrows went way up. "Was that supposed to mean what I thought it meant?"
"How would I know?" Selena shot at him. "I’m not using Legilimency, I was trying to be courteous."
Curtis now gave her his full attention with his direct, piercing gaze. "Maybe you’re partially right, Selena. Maybe we’ve both made some mistakes in our lives. But I’m trying to fix them."
"Of course you are," Selena muttered, just loud enough for him to hear.
He chose to ignore this. "I don’t care what your brother’s done. I agreed to come here tonight because of what you’ve done. It had nothing to do with him."
"If you’re trying to pay me a compliment, you’re doing a hell of a job," Selena informed him.
"Then let me elaborate," said Curtis, giving her his broad grin that she had fallen in love with over twenty years ago. "As alike as you may be, you’re still your own person. There are plenty of people who like you and not him, and I’m sure the same could be said about your brother. I don’t care, Selena. Just try and let me, and everyone else for that matter, judge you and not him when determining your character."
"That wasn’t exactly a compliment," Selena told her glass.
"No, that was more of a lecture," Curtis admitted. "Perhaps I should try again?"
"I’m not the kind of woman to fall for petty attempts at flattery," said Selena flatly, still speaking to her mug of Firewhiskey.
"‘Petty attempts at flattery’, eh?" said Curtis, sounding amused. "How about genuine flattery? Would you fall for that?"
He was teasing her, she knew, but she wasn’t going to budge. "I’ll pass."
From the corner of her eye, she saw his eyebrows knit together slightly, then he took a drink.
Why are you being like this? she thought. This could be an opportunity for you, if you let it come. Maybe you two could be. Maybe you two would be. Or maybe not. But you won’t know unless you give him a chance. You’ve been stuck in this cloud forever, and not just since your brother’s latest murder. Why are you like this?
Another voice in her head responded: Why else? Severus. Again. It all comes back to him.
But Curtis’ words were running through her head, along with Melissa’s. Perhaps…maybe…was there more to this than she was willing to admit? Was this really about Severus?
No, she thought suddenly, no, it’s not just about him. This is about me. I don’t have the ability to trust and love, or even to really live, that’s for certain. But is that really all my brother’s fault?
Her moist eyes lifted up from her cup to her date’s gaze. When he saw her expression, his face turned to concerned. "Selena?" His hand reached out for hers, but she withdrew it and placed it in her lap.
"I’m sorry," said Selena. Her voice managed to remain steady as she spoke. She stood from the table. "But this will never work, Curtis. We both know that." She dropped some coins on the table top, keeping her eyes away from his. "I’m sorry you had to suffer through tonight; I hope I didn’t cause you too much annoyance." She smiled bitterly at this, then started to walk away.
"Selena," Curtis called after her. "Selena, wait."
She kept walking, right out the door. She was about to Apparate back home when she felt something grasp her arm. She turned around. His face was shadowed from the darkness, but certain features were illuminated in the moonlight.
"Don’t leave."
"This will never work, Curtis," said Selena again.
"Why? Why won’t it work?" His eyes were searching hers again, yet not as though he were trying to break through her Occlumency barriers. She hated that about him: the fact that he seemed to sense, or would try to sense, what she was feeling without evening reading her mind.
"Our pasts are too different – our views on the world are too different – we’re too different."
"Are we?" he asked quietly. His hand was still holding her arm, keeping her by him; yet she still could have pulled away had she chosen to.
"Yes," said Selena. "This can’t work!"
"Why?" he asked again. "Because you won’t try to make it work?"
She didn’t answer.
"I know we liked each other nearly twenty years ago. But things got in the way then for us; don’t let those same things get in the way again. I’m not saying it will work – I’m sure we’ve both changed. But I think, based on tonight, we might still be quite the same."
They stood for a couple moments in the prevailing silence. Then his hand, still clasped around her arm, slid down and took her hand. She didn’t pull away this time.
"Should we go back inside?" Curtis asked quietly.
Selena hesitated, then shook her head. "No…I should really…go…" But she didn’t move; she was holding a raging, fierce battle inside her. And she didn’t even have a inkling which side would win.
The couple was silent for a few minutes, as Selena’s war went on, both sides not even close to winning. Curtis interrupted the battle, inquiring in a teasing yet caring voice, "What’s it going to be, Snape? I’d wait forever for you if I could, but eventually I’ll need to eat or something."
She barely registered his words or his joke, so wrapped in her thoughts. Then, impulsively, she started walking through the dimly light streets of Hogsmeade, dragging Curtis along by the hand.
Her action was impulsive, but she had a feeling that her impulsiveness, at least this time, had been right on track. She figured they needed this time together. And they had a lot to talk about. She was through living in the past; but that didn’t mean she shouldn’t open up and share some of it.
Would she regret continuing the date later, strolling along the cobbled roads with Curtis Blackwood? She didn’t know. But she had decided that it shouldn’t matter what had happened in her past, what had happened to her brother, what had happened to her. It was time to change. And she decided it was about time that she learned to trust again. That she learned to laugh again. That she learned to cry again. That it was about time she learned to love again.
Because really, what else was there to live for?