I had always yearned for that unrestrained, consuming love that you imagined and dreamed about when you were young. But as I grew, my idea of Prince Charming grew as well, and I wished he were real as opposed to just a figment of my imagination. It was hard watching my best friend fall into the type of love that I so desperately wanted, but I was happy for her, just as good friend should have been.
I had been through quite a few boyfriends, and as easy as it was for me to acquire them, it was just as easy for me to let them go. After a few weeks, they all went bad, and the funny thing is, I couldn’t tell you why. They were always nice, always considerate, but it always felt wrong. It seemed that even as badly as I wanted that amazing love, I was scared to death of it. I was scared my heart would be shattered to pieces, just as my mother’s had when my father left. I was scared that I would love him more than he loved me, so I intentionally put up a barrier around my heart.
All of this was true up until my seventh year. Something about him had changed. It had been slow, gradual. His infatuation began when I rejected him for the first time last year, and it slowly waned, but it never died. He hadn’t asked me out, or said that I must’ve been miserable all summer because I wasn’t ‘graced with his presence.’ James Potter had always been enamoured with the idea of having me as a girlfriend, but I always turned him down for some reason. Maybe it was that I didn’t approve of boys who hung their classmates by the ankle for fun, or boys who handed out those charming smiles as if they had no meaning, or boys who strutted about school as if they owned it. But, on the contrary, I knew that deep down I was so completely attracted to him and his wire-rimmed glasses that I was afraid of what could happen to me. What if I liked him more than he ever cared for me; what if I was no more than a mere challenge?
That was completely plausible to me. I believed that the only reason James ever asked me out at least twice a week was because I never once fell for his charm or good looks. Our conversations were always short and strained, unless his pompous attitude got the best of me and I happened to lose my head ever so slightly. The way he joked, the way he got top grades, the way he was so dreadfully loyal, made me want to punch him with all my might, yet I always refrained.
It was so easy for me to use his confidence against him, though. It was so easy to act as if he were the most foul muck I could ever obtain on my shoes, and yet I was secretly so in love with him that I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to restrain myself. The way teachers were so drawn to his insouciant abilities, even when he never once paid attention during classes. The way he and Sirius pulled harmless pranks that made me laugh, even though I could never show it. The way he never gave up once, even when I called him a bullying toe-rag.
It was hard to believe that I, who would date boys just for the sake of proving myself that I wasn’t scared, was falling hard and fast for the notorious heartbreaker.
It began when I walked into the Prefect meeting on the Hogwarts Express and was overwhelmed by the idea that James would be working with me as Head Boy. Maybe it would give me a chance to actually get to know the boy that so enthralled me.
“Evans,” James Potter said as we walked towards Dumbledore’s office. This was, surprisingly, the first thing James had said to me all day. We had lead the Prefect’s meeting and introduction and he hadn’t so much as glanced at me. The Opening Feast also went without any encounters, but it was inevitable that we would run into each other once Dumbledore announced that the Head Boy and Girl would be having a meeting with him after the Feast.
“Hello, James,” I replied coolly as we turned a corner and a stone gargoyle appeared in front of us. James stepped forward and said, “Cockroach Clusters.” The gargoyle immediately sprang to the left as a rotating staircase materialized. James stepped back and motioned for me to precede him. I smiled to myself as I stepped in front of James.
The climb was slow and methodical; James ascended the stairs only one step behind me, and I could feel the faint heat of his breath on the back of my neck. When we made it to the top, James once again stepped in front of me and knocked on the door.
“I could have done that myself, Potter,” the steam rising in my neck. He glanced down at me and flashed me that grin I had seen so many times, and then we heard Dumbledore invite us into his office. This was the reason I couldn’t stand him - his assumption that he was the best at everything.
Dumbledore was standing beside a window overlooking the grounds when we entered. Without looking at us he said, “Please, take a seat.”
We immediately did as we were told and sat in two seats facing his desk. “You are probably surprised by my choice of Head Boy,” he paused and looked directly at me. “But, I am sure I have made the correct decision.” He paused again, and walked over to his desk. I glanced at James, and it seemed as if the last statement hadn’t fazed him. He looked at Dumbledore with lazy eyes and the Headmaster continued.
“Your duties are as follows: you will lead Prefect meetings, you will keep order and security among students, and you will set the prime example.” This time he looked directly at James with a burning stare. “You will follow the rules. No wandering the grounds late at night, no midnight trips to the Forbidden Forest, and absolutely no use of magic outside of the classrooms. The responsibility of your position is immense; every underclassman is looking up to you for answers.”
Dumbledore took a seat behind his desk and clasped his hands in front of him. “There are many dark times ahead, and it will be in your best interest to stay close to the ones who matter,” he said as he glanced back and forth between me and James. A faint smile appeared on his lips as his eyes continued to jump back and for the between us.
“Now, on a much lighter note, your first Prefect meeting will be held next Wednesday. Off you go.”
We walked in silence to the Gryffindor Common Room. When we reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, I realized that I had never been told the password.
“I don’t think we--” I began to say to James, but once again he stepped in front of me and said the password.
“Brambles,” he said with that same grin as I stood with my head swimming, trying to keep my composure. We stepped inside the common room together, and split once James had located the rest of his friends.
I walked carelessly up to my dormitory, and found that it was empty. As I was rummaging through my trunk to find my quill and some parchment so I could write to my mum, I came across a picture of me, my mum, my dad, and my sister from four Christmases ago-- the last Christmas we had all spent together.
My dad left while I was at Hogwarts during the second term of my third year. My mum never told me why he left, but she was devastated when it happened. I was at a loss as to the cause as well. When I was younger I never remember them fighting; they always seemed so happy to me, and so in love.
Forgetting about my original mission, I stared at the picture. It was the only photograph that I kept with me always. The corners were folded and the edges faded, but that did not affect the real picture, the emotions that were buried deep inside of it.
As I walked down the stairs, I ran into my best friend, Anna. She was a simple girl with dark blonde hair and plain features.
“Oh, hi Lily, I was just running up here to grab a book that Remus asked me about, I’ll be back down in a minute!” she said quickly before she continued on. Laughing at my friend’s utter devotion to books, I started back on my path to the Common Room to find James. He was sitting around the fire with his three best friends.
I walked carefully over to them and stood next to his chair for a moment before I said, “James, you know I was thinking we should post a schedule for the Prefect meetings.”
They all looked at me until he turned his head to face me and after a few moments he said, “Already thinking about that, Evans? It’s only the first night back!” His friends smirked and continued on with their game of Exploding Snap.
“Well, yes, I thought it would be courteous to let the Prefects know ahead of time when they would be having meetings, so why not start now?” I said to counter his snooty remark.
He grinned at me, and I did everything I could to keep my knees from letting out on me. “When is it that you want to have them, then?” I asked.
He stared at the wall for a moment before answering, “Dumbledore said we would have one next Wednesday, so why not have them the first Wednesday of every month?”
“Oh, alright, yes that’s good. I’ll go make a notice right now.”
I went back up to my dormitory to find Anna throwing things haphazardly out of her trunk. “Misplace something?” I asked sarcastically.
“Oh goodness! I can’t find this book on enchanted creatures that Remus seemed so interested in! I must’ve left it at my house,” she moaned as she flopped down onto her four-poster, arms and legs splayed out.
I grabbed the piece of parchment that I had originally intended to write a letter to my mum with and picked up my quill. As I was carefully writing the notice, I realized I had hardly asked Anna about her holidays… or about anything for that matter.
When I looked up she was lying on her bed grumbling into her hands. “How were your holidays?” I asked.
“Beyy berrr imm,” she mumbled before she threw her hands off her face. “Bugger! They were fine. My parents dragged me off to Germany of all places, said it was very historical. Well, we spent a while there, and the rest was spent at home with Sam, Ricky, and William. Enough about me, how about you?”
I laughed at my friend’s succinct recapitulation of her summer term as I answered, “You know, Petunia was horrible, Mum was great, and I saw Dad a couple of times. I didn’t travel anywhere, though, rather boring.”
I finished my notice and blew on the ink for a bit as we lapsed into silence. “Well, how’s Michael?” I asked rather lamely.
“Oh, he’s all right, you know, just Michael. I didn’t see him much on the train, or at the feast, come to think of it.” She didn’t blush, nor look abashed. She didn’t even get jittery. It was as if she wasn’t the least bit excited to talk about Michael, which was very odd.
Sensing our conversation had ended there, I stood up to go put the schedule on the bulletin board. When I had returned to my room, Anna was lying on her bed reading a book. Surprising. I changed into my nightgown before climbing into my bed.
As I lay in my bed, thoughts of my last remaining year at Hogwarts invaded my head. I wonder how this year will turn out. So many things are already different “ James is being remotely polite, and Anna isn’t dancing for Michael at all, which is odd since her relationship was something she brought up at least one time every ten minutes. And what exactly did Dumbledore mean by saying to stay close to the ones who matter? What could be happening that is so terrible? Well, that obviously means I need to stay close to
Anna and-- James? No--
When I woke up the next morning, I found that I was the first one out of bed. I quietly put on my robes, grabbed my books, and walked out of my dormitory. When I got to the Great Hall for breakfast, I found James sitting alone. I walked over to sit on the opposite side of the table out of sheer habit, but before I reached my destination, I had an inexplicable urge to go sit next to him. After one very hesitant step in his direction, my feet stopped and I turned to sit down, away from James.
I picked up a biscuit and began to nibble on it when Anna sat down next to me.
“Have you gotten our timetables yet? I’m not really looking forward to seeing them. It just confirms the fact that we have the take N.E.W.T.s this year,” Anna grumbled, eyes darting around the room, as she starting ripping a biscuit apart.
I smiled to myself. It was quite commonly known that Anna’s parents were rather hard on her, but she rarely applied herself, so they had probable cause. She loved to read, just not in areas that were necessary to her studies. “No, McGonagall hasn’t come by with ours yet. Oh, look, there she is!”
Professor McGonagall, a tight-lipped, stern teacher, was handing James his schedule. She quickly moved down the table, handing out the pieces of parchment with the classes on them, until she reached us. “Here are your timetables, girls. I will be seeing you this afternoon.”
I looked down at my schedule, as did Anna. “Ohh,” Anna moaned as she threw her face into her hands, “Potions is first.”
“Just get through this year, then we’re done with all of it,” I said to the back of her hands as I stuffed my schedule into my bag. “We might as well get going-- got Slughorn first.”
When we arrived in the Potions room, Anna and I took two seats in the front. As it got closer to the start of the class, people filled in around us. Anna, Remus, Sirius, James, myself and about fifteen other students made up our rather large class.
I sat, books ready, waiting for Professor Slughorn to arrive for class. After the class had waited well past the bell, I leaned over to Anna and whispered, “Where do you think he is? At this rate, we won’t have a Potions class at all!”
From two rows behind me, a voice sounded. “Are you really worried about not having a Professor, Evans? Is it the essays you miss, or Professor Slughorn?”
Sirius Black was leaning back in his chair, resting his elbow on the desk behind him. He smirked at me as he Levitated his quill up and down in the air.
To my utter surprise, James elbowed Sirius in the side, causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards onto the ground with a thud. As the entire class laughed at Sirius, I heard James say, “Lay off, Sirius.”
I turned quickly around in my seat and a small smile spread across my lips, if only for a moment.