That is, until I arrived at Hogwarts. It was strange, how comfortable I felt when James, Peter, and Sirius sat next to me at the table after we were sorted. They were all so alive and free, seemingly not having a care in the world. They were how I should have been. How I was as a child, but then I forgot to carry on my juvenile ways and suddenly became too grown up for my body. Becoming a Marauder brought back my juvenility, however faintly, but I had that spark again.
As we grew up, I watched James fall slowly and indiscernibly in love with Lily. It was calm at first, but then James never let up. We, being Peter, Sirius, and I, thought he would be disheartened after the first two denials. Any guy would have been, but James never once lost heart. I watched always, never breaking in or adding to the calamity, as Sirius and Peter did. What I saw was true, but it was just hinted. It was slight in the way a new crush is, but I could tell it was more than that. James may have been open about his feelings, almost too open, really, but I knew Lily had them too, hidden deep within her. It was comical to watch them battle, yes, but it was painful as well. To watch two of my friends hurt themselves endlessly was almost worse than the embarrassment James was causing himself on so many occasions when he tried to woo Lily.
To me, it was simply the course of love, something that should not be meddled with. None of the others seemed to get it, though. They were all in the throws about Lily’s constant denials to the point that they never saw what lay just beneath the surface of Lily’s heated jabs at James’ character.
As one can see, I always watched and never acted. I was a thinker instead of a doer, one might say, which is why I have only landed myself in one relationship. I’ve just never been much concerned about which girl is flirting with me and what I should do about it. My main concerns are my friends, because without them I would be nothing.
--
Remus stared at her. He could feel the blood drain from his face as his eyes darted over her head to look from James to Sirius. Both offered him no more than a shrug for explanation, but he didn’t see guilt in their faces. He knew they wouldn’t have told her anyway; she must have found out on her own.
Blatantly ignoring her statement, he asked, “Where’s Peter?”
Again, James and Sirius shrugged, their mouths remaining tightly shut. They seemed nervous, as if they didn’t know how to handle such a situation.
“Remus…” a small voice in front of him said, almost desperately.
“Well! Why don’t we rendezvous in the broom closet again, shall we?” Sirius asked, his voice laced with sarcasm as he pulled the closet door open. James quickly followed Sirius’ prompt and slid into the small room. Sirius bent low in a mock bow and Lily turned, her eyes set on Remus even as her face turned away, and followed James. In the corridor remained Sirius and Remus. The latter watched with hesitant eyes as Sirius gave him a few pointed glances accompanied by a vigorous head jerk or two. Obliging, Remus walked towards the broom closet.
He muttered, passing by a stiff Sirius, “You and James are going to regret this later.”
The closet was expectantly dark, riddled with cobwebs, and cramped. Somehow the four fit in, however cramped they were. James looked like a he had just won a million galleons as Lily’s hair brushed his shoulder, and Sirius’ legs tangled within the small space, his left foot jabbing painfully into Remus’ thigh.
“’ily, yocnt tel neeone bouts” came the muffled warning from Sirius’ face.
“Lumos,” Remus whispered, only to see Sirius’ cheek pressed firmly against the wall beside his head.
“Mm stuck,” Sirius mumbled again.
“Well get unstuck,” retorted Lily. “I don’t see the point of us being in here anyway. You all know I would never tell anyone something of such great importance.”
“Wouldn’t you?” Remus asked, his eyes shifted downward.
“Of course not! You mean more to me than silly gossip.”
Silence fell over the foursome save for the shuffling of Sirius’ attempts to remove his face from the wall. In reality, Remus didn’t know what to think. He never thought anyone paid enough attention to realize that he went missing once a month. This was an encounter he thought he would never have to face; therefore, he had no idea what to do next.
It was as if he had been stuck in some strange version of vertigo where he couldn’t get back to reality. He should be able to trust her, and he knew he would, but this was just another person who knew and would eventually distance herself. He couldn’t take it. Standing up slowly, he heard the muffled voices protesting against his actions. He felt like his head was in a box and nothing could penetrate it. Something hard made contact with his abdomen, sending him sprawling back into the depths of the small closet. A heavy weight was now pressing down on him, making it too hard to breathe.
And then it stopped suddenly. The box was removed and he could feel his right eye pounding.
“Oi, Padfoot, why’d you go and do that!” came a frightened yelp from his left.
“He was all wobbly and quiet, so I figured a good punch would straighten him out. And look at the results! No more wobbling,” Sirius replied, pleasure evident in his voice.
“Get off, Padfoot. I can’t breathe.”
The pressure was instantly relieved and Remus shook his head, clearing the cobwebs, but increasing the pounding tenfold. Touching his fingers gingerly to his forehead, he felt the warm, sticky blood on his brow. He pushed himself up with one hand, keeping his other hand on his head.
“Lumos.” The small space was instantly alight and a small feminine face was just inches from his own, peering up at the welling cut. “We need to get him to the Hospital Wing, I don’t know how to mend cuts of that intensity.”
Sirius threw his body in front of the door. “Wait, wait. What exactly are you going to tell Madame Pomfrey?” His eyes narrowed.
“That you punched him, you great prat. What do you think?” James’ voice proceeded to raise an octave. “Yes, Madame Pomfrey, that’s right. Remus fell down the stairs and that’s how he has those knuckles imprinted on his face.” He rolled his eyes.
“Well, I mean no, but do you have to tell her it’s me?” Sirius replied sheepishly as he began to inch his body away from the door in defeat.
“Since you did it, you can fess up,” Remus muttered as he tipped his head back, trying to manage the dripping blood.
Slumping his shoulders, Sirius turned to open the door. “Oh, all right, let’s get a move on, then.”
Rubbing his fingers slowly over the now healed cut, Remus turned to Sirius. “Thanks for saying I fell down the stairs, Padfoot. I really think you had Pomfrey convinced.”
“Especially when she asked how he had finger-shaped bruises and you blamed it on the suits of armour,” James butted in, elbowing Remus. “She wasn’t doubting your excuse at all.”
He proceeded to wink at Lily as the two boys laughed at their friend’s pouting face. In return he received something he never thought he would see: a blush. Not a snooty remark or a swat at his arm. She blushed. Remus watched from the corner of his eye as James went speechless. He smiled, the previous predicament completely forgotten, lying in the back of his mind.
When they made it through the portrait hole, they found there were two occupants sitting around the fire: Anna and Peter.
Remus followed the other three as they found their seats around the crackling fire. He remained standing as everyone fell into silence and stared at him or each other expectantly. It was as if there was something that needed to be said, so everyone was waiting, but no one seemed to know how or where to begin.
Supposing it was his place to explain in the slightest, or to at least acknowledge what he knew was on everyone’s mind, Remus found a way to begin. Scanning his eyes quickly around the room to check for any late night stragglers, he readied himself to announce his biggest secret to two people who already knew what was going on. Seemed slightly useless to him, but all the glowing, expectant eyes pushed him onward.
“I, er, well… everyone already knows, so yes. I’m a werewolf. Have been since before I came to Hogwarts,” he confirmed quietly. Looking around, he noticed Sirius and Peter looked bored, James complacent, and the girls’ faces were unreadable. A mixture of shock, worry, and confusion laced through their features. The silence continued for a moment as Remus watched everyone stare straight at him, some actually looking at him, others simply staring. Without announcing his departure, Remus turned quietly and crept from his silent crowd.
“Hey! Oh no you don’t!” He heard a feminine voice chide him. “You have a small amount of explaining to do here, Remus.”
He turned to see Anna’s eyes glaring at him. A sigh escaped his lips; he had hoped they would just let this go. As he sluggishly walked back over the group, he saw Sirius whack Anna on the arm.
“It’s all right Padfoot, I owe them at lease a small amount of explanation, I suppose,” Remus surrendered. Placing his feet firmly on the ground, he once again scanned the room for prying ears, but saw no one and was comforted. “What would you like to know?”
A well-placed glance from Lily sparked Anna’s mouth into action. “Where do you go every month?”
It seemed as if all feeling had left Remus’ arms as he prepared to tell some of his most dire secret to these two girls. Thoughts raced through his head as he decided how much of this secret he wanted to let loose and how much he wanted to keep buried within the Marauders’ confidence.
“I, er, am taken to the Shrieking Shack by Madame Pomfrey,” he explained, his cheeks burning with emotion. It felt wrong to mutter these words allowed. He never had”his three friends had snooped until they found out this part of his secret.
Anna and Lily looked satiated by this explanation. Apparently it seemed safe enough to them. The tension seemed to ebb slightly as every settled down. To know how the beast is contained must have been their only worry. Remus’ shoulder slumped in defeat. He had actually divulged his secret. Was he really that obvious? He looked around at everyone, trying to see if there were anymore questions floating in their eyes and saw none.
“I’m going to go to my room,” he announced quickly, and after waiting a few seconds for an objection, he turned and walked away from his friends.
As he made his way up the stairs, he heard the rushed whispers that began to erupt from behind him. He let it pass through his mind as quickly as it came. He trusted his friends to do what was right.
As he passed through the seventh year dormitory door, he heard the light step of feet making their way up the stairs behind him. Lacking the incentive to turn to see his follower, he continued his path to his bed.
“You know, Moony, Lily and Anna are not going to say anything to anyone. They’re not complete morons,” James said, his voice urgent with conviction. He moved forward as if to make a gesture of comfort but decided against it. “Anna might even be able to help! She says she knows of potions that dull the pain.” A smile lit James’ face at the idea of helping Remus, but Remus knew that there was nothing that would help his true problem.
The transformations he could take, it was a part of him that would never change. Causing others this worry and stress over his wellbeing and happiness only because he was different from them was something he couldn’t change. He felt there would now be two more people out there that looked at him differently than those who were kept in the dark. Two more people that would look at him and possibly feel that twinge of fright at the idea of a monster sitting beside them.
“Thanks, James. It’s all right. I think I’m just going to go to sleep now. It’s been a long day.” Remus turned from the slackened features that appeared on his friend’s usually hopeful face to pull his hangings aside. “’Night.”
Slipping into his enclosed bed, he waited until he heard the shuffling of James’ feet as he walked away. A pang of regret jolted him as he thought about the abrupt and rather rude response he had just given James, but soon the pang was washed over by relief. Solitude at last. A moment to think about the true consequences of today’s occurrences.
It seemed like the worst had yet to hit him. He knew that the repercussions to today’s exposure would come back and bite him in the nose sooner rather than later. Since he had been through this once already, he knew that this guilt would fade soon. However, the last time had been with people he trusted exponentially and eternally, and it comforted him to have their support; now it was to two girls who were his good friends, but the trust was not as strong. He felt a nagging at the back of his head as if he had something he needed to do before it got out of hand.
His thoughts led him into a confused sleep, riddled with dreams of dead ends and screams of pain. The last lucid memory he had was the creaking of his dormitory door and the excited whispers of his best friends. The only thing he discerned was a fragment coming from Peter’s lips: “I can’t believe you let them in on that so casually, Padfoot….”