She fell so hard. He caught her, captivated her, and held her in his grasp, as much as he wished it was different. She wished it was different. It was hard, but it was there, in both of them. She couldn’t forget it and he couldn’t escape it. That’s the way love is.
Tonks had known about love. She had imagined a handsome boyfriend by her side since she was thirteen. Every scene she conjured in her mind had a fairy tale ending. But her own tale was about anything but fairies. It had turned out so much differently. There was so much more disappointment and unhappiness involved than her adolescent mind could have dreamed of. Love is like that.
She was lying, dormant, in the bedroom of her flat. The noise of London floated in through her open window and the evening was growing dark. She thought she should probably turn on the lamp on her night table, but she couldn’t summon the energy to move. She didn’t even feel like taking her wand out of the pocket of her robes. It was hot and stuffy in the room, and it bothered her, but she didn’t want to turn on the fan sitting atop her desk, or open the window a little wider. She didn’t want to do anything.
It had been such an ordinary day. She had gone to work, even though she didn’t really have to go in on Saturdays. She had written a report, sent several important letters and accompanied the Magical Law Enforcement Squad to the home of a suspected dark wizard. Upon arrival, their search had yielded nothing except several empty potion bottles and a slightly bloodstained bone which, as it turned out, belonged to the household dog.
Then she had gone to dinner at the Burrow. She had told Molly she wasn’t coming, but the invitation kept playing itself like a video inside her head…
“Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming--”
A small part of her hadn’t wanted to see him, but a larger part had. She gave in.
The Burrow was full of talk and laughter when she arrived. Ron, Harry, Fred and George were seated at the table in the kitchen, laughing outrageously and peeling a mountain of fresh yellow corn. Fleur, Hermione and Ginny were helping Mrs. Weasley as she bustled around the kitchen, boiling potatoes, chopping salad and magically grilling several slices of chicken soaked in barbeque sauce. Mr. Weasley and Mad-Eye were seated in the living room, deep in discussion.
Beside them, he was seated.
Remus had seen her the moment she entered the room. He looked up so quickly, she could have sworn he had radar for her. But he looked away as fast as he had glanced at her, and she was left to wonder whether he had noticed her at all.
Dinner had been delicious, as usual, and she had somehow ended up seated next to him. She wondered whether Mrs. Weasley might have arranged this. She had gone to Molly for some sympathy, but she had merely said she felt stressed, and sad after what had happened at the Ministry. However, Molly usually knew much more about Tonks than Tonks even knew herself.
If she had hoped for the evening to make her feel better, it hadn’t. Remus had been polite and friendly, asking about work and her new flat, but he had been guarded. He didn’t laugh like he used to.
Granted, he hadn’t laughed at much of anything these days, even when she wasn’t involved, Tonks mused, as the sky outside grew gradually darker. She wondered about his change in attitude. She could trace it directly to the events at the Ministry. It was when she had first realized she loved him. Did he know? Could he perform Legilimency? Or did he feel the same way?
Sometimes she wondered about the amount of thoughts in her head. She figured that it was reasonable to suspect that someday, her brain might explode in protest of the sheer pressure.
She dragged herself off the bed, and looked critically at her reflection in the mirror above her dresser. Concentrating hard, she tried to change her hair back to pink. She couldn’t. Try as she might, her hair remained stubbornly mouse brown.
Giving up, she slipped out of her robes and donned a pair of jeans and a gray t-shirt. After sliding her feet into beat up brown clogs, she stepped out into the hall of her building. Down the hall and out the door she went, coming to a halt at last on the deserted sidewalk.
She stood there, staring aimlessly around. She wondered if she had gone crazy. She didn’t know who she was anymore. Where was the old Tonks? The one who laughed and smiled and asked questions? The one who had pink hair and sang along with the Weird Sisters?
Then she remembered something. The memory seemed to play like a video inside her head. Tonks remembered crying…because of a bully…yes, that was it.
A little girl with straight brown hair sat curled in her mother’s lap, her tears leaving tiny wet spots on her mother’s navy robes.
“He was so mean to me, mommy. He said I was stupid and weird and would never have a boyfriend and…” she said, her voice trailing off into renewed sobs.
Her mother sat with her, waiting until the tears had almost subsided. Then she spoke.
“Dear, listen to me. You are a strong, smart girl with a lot of talent and bravery. I admire you! You know who you are and you know what you want. That is a wonderful gift at you age.”
The little girl had stopped crying. She looked up at her mother, who smiled and continued.
“There is one thing I want you to remember. You know so much about yourself, so don’t listen to what other people say about you. You already know who you really are, which is not stupid and not weird. So why do you listen to them? And as for boyfriends, there isn’t a ton of guidance I can give you. But I can tell you one thing, and it is important for you to remember.”
She paused, stroking her daughter’s hair with one thin finger.
“Never change yourself for them. Never lose sight of the girl you are for one moment. If you can find a boy who loves your true self, hold onto him. Hold him tight, and never let him go.”
Where was her true self? Had she lost herself? What girl did Lupin know- the real Tonks, or her shadow?
She turned abruptly and started walking, wiping a tear from her eye.
Fifteen minutes later, Tonks was standing on the doorstep of a small house just a couple of miles away from her flat. The house itself was draped in ivy, and the brown door was warped and full of splinters. The house had ivory siding and looked as if it hadn’t been lived in for several decades.
She raised one trembling fist and knocked twice with the tarnished griffin knocker.
There was a few minutes when nothing happened. Silence seemed to reverberate around the square. Then the door swung slowly open, and Remus Lupin stood in front of her on a dark threshold.
“Tonks?” Lupin said, sounding surprised.
“Hi,” Tonks said quietly, suddenly unsure of her own voice. Lupin seemed to recover from the surprise.
“Come in, come in,” he said, sounding a bit distracted, “I’m afraid the place is rather a mess- when you entertain the werewolves following Voldemort, they tend not to make your house smell lemony fresh.”
He still sounded preoccupied, as if he wasn’t quite concentrating on anything. Tonks suddenly found her focus wandering as well. Something about him seemed to flush away all of her careful control, leaving her wobbly, and unsure. Was this what happened when you lost yourself? She had to get back on track.
“I didn’t know you started spying already. Didn’t Dumbledore say you could wait till September?” she asked.
“He did,” Lupin replied, “but I guess my location was divulged a bit too early. They arrived yesterday, and I’m moving out next week.”
“Oh,” Tonks said. She couldn’t think of anything else to say. She followed Lupin inside. There was no entryway- the door led right into a small living room. A torn couch against the wall was red, but she wasn’t sure if that was intentional or merely because of the wine spilled all over it, looking vaguely gory. The floor was coated in a layer of mud, crumbs and more wine.
She stood uncertainly in the middle of the room between the rough coffee table and cluttered bookshelf. Lupin crossed behind her and closed the door with a click.
“I’ll get us some food, shall I?” he said, walking away from her into the next room. Tonks perched precariously on the arm of the stained couch. It was the only spot that wasn’t ripped.
Lupin returned moments later with a bowl of popcorn and two cups of coffee.
“I would offer you something nicer, but I’m afraid I’m rather short on wine, and most of the crackers are now crumbs.”
“This is fine,” Tonks said quietly. They sat in silence a few minutes, sipping the coffee and occaisionally reaching for a few kernels of popcorn.
“So, Tonks, why the visit. There can’t be any sort of emergency or you would have told me immediately, so why did you…”
Lupin stopped speaking. Tonks sat frozen in her chair. She was looking at the popcorn bowl where her hand was resting against his. She felt some sort of strange and scary electricity rush through her body as she looked up at him. His face was confused, but there was something else in his expression. Was it fear? Or was it some kind of hope?
“I have to go,” Tonks said. She felt like her internal organs were exploding.
She leapt up from the couch and threw open the door, stumbling out onto the dark London street. Lupin was shouting something behind her, but she was already gone, running around the corner and towards the river. She stopped when she reached a bench in a dark alley. The smell of the river filled her nose as all around her, the streets were drenched in a sudden rain.
Love Is by smiley10792
Chapter Notes: I love Remus/Tonks stories, but there aren't enough. I thought I'd add to their number.
JKR owns the characters- do you really think I could have thought of them myself?