Remus knew nothing about love. He had never thought much about it. He had sat on the sidelines and watched James chase Lily and Sirius chase curvaceous blonde girls through his whole life at Hogwarts. Sure, he had met girls he liked. But he could never get close to them for fear of them discovering what he was.
Tonks was different. She knew what he was, so why couldn’t he feel close to her? Why did her friendship feel so fragile? Why did he always feel he needed something more from her?
He sat slumped on his couch, staring glumly into a half empty bowl of popcorn, as though seriously considering burying himself in it. The door to his apartment was still open, and the rain outside was blowing in.
He thought about closing it. Boy, that’s an achievement. I actually thought about getting off this filthy couch, and maybe even moving across the room…
Remus couldn’t stand himself anymore. He couldn’t stand being in his own skin. Greyback’s suggestion of turning savage and living in the gutter was starting to seem really appealing. He just felt like forgetting about everything. Like leaving and living in a monastery in Siberia. They might give me my own special locked room during the full moon if I pretended I wanted to pray… he thought sarcastically.
Since when had his brain housed such contempt? Hadn’t he always been proud to be normal? Hadn’t he always been happy to like other people? Where had this sudden desire for exile come from?
He wondered if he had gone crazy.
Sometimes he wondered about the amount of thoughts in his head. He figured it was reasonable to suspect that someday, his brain might explode in protest of the sheer pressure.
He was in love with Nymphadora Tonks. She had touched his hand, and it was sending him into a frenzy of scary and potentially combustible thoughts.
He crossed the room in one swift movement, intending to close the door, but he didn’t. He fell to his knees on the stoop of his house and sat there soaking in the pouring rain. The ivy from the window pane fell across his hair, and the muddy doorstep covered his legs in grime.
He was too old for her, too poor, too dangerous. This couldn’t happen.
“If this is what love is, then I’M SICK OF IT ALREADY!” he yelled into the storm.
Weeks passed, and Remus maintained a stony silence whenever he was in the vicinity of Tonks. This did not take much effort, as the only time he had to see her was Order meetings, and during these periods, they had no chance to talk.
He also refrained from eating dinner at the Burrow. He did visit for a little party on Harry’s birthday which was partially because he hadn’t seen the boy for several weeks and also because he knew Tonks was away that week doing some work for the Ministry.
He was plagued nightly by dreams that were confusing blurs of color and shapes, in which the werewolves he was now associating with weaved in and out of members of the Order and strange scenes from his years at Hogwarts. Many other nights his mind would present him with bizarre, x-rated scenes that involved himself and Tonks in a variety of situations that could potentially embarrass him into next century if anyone were to perform occlumency on him.
As the summer sun waned and the Hogwarts year started, Remus settled into simple routines. He spied during the week, and wrote coded reports to Dumbledore whenever the other werewolves were out of sight. He wanted to write to Harry, but he couldn’t do it in code and if he didn’t use code, the evidence could be used against him. Spying was a tricky business.
One evening in November, Remus had taken refuge in a local pub. He did not usually do this, but it was about five days before the full moon, and he was feeling sick and gloomy. He was not afraid of his werewolf companions discovering his location- they spent many evenings in pubs and always wanted to know why he didn’t. No, he was afraid of running into Tonks.
He knew that she would sometimes go for a butterbeer and some food at the Three Broomsticks if she was stationed up at Hogwarts, and if she wasn’t at Hogwarts, she might grab a burger somewhere in Muggle London.
Remus was sitting in a shabby little place a few blocks from his old house at a table by himself. He had a bottle of beer, a bowl of chowder and a hard dinner roll in front of him, and he was praying that Tonks did not choose tonight to visit this pub. Unless he was incredibly unlucky, she would go someplace else, or not go out to eat at all.
He was incredibly unlucky.
He felt her presence before he saw her. That was one thing he had noticed about her; she seemed to make the very air in a room take on a different quality when she walked in. The change was so subtle, he doubted anyone save himself had noticed it, but it was there all the same.
He looked over at her as she walked through the door. Her skin was slightly damp and she wore a coat and hat against the November chill. She slipped the hat off as soon as the pub’s welcoming warmth hit her and her mouse brown hair, so much like Remus’ own, fell limp around her shoulders.
He wondered why she had dispensed with her pink hair. It fit her personality so much better than her current shade. She seemed quieter, and more adult since the Ministry, so he supposed that she must have changed her hair to match her mood. He still was in love with her, but thought he might have liked the old Tonks better.
She saw him watching her, and he quickly looked down into the depths of his chowder. He heard her speak quietly to the hostess, but he was too far away to hear her words.
A moment later she was seated across from him. He felt a zing through all his nerves and could not look up at her. With his body on high alert, he could feel the slight heat radiating from her legs under the table.
“Remus,” she said quietly, “I didn’t know you ate out much.”
“I don’t,” Remus answered into his chowder.
“It’s funny, though. You and I in the same pub on the same night,”
“Yeah, funny,” Remus said. He wanted to get away. He couldn’t think straight.
The waitress came over, and said something to Tonks. Remus couldn’t really tell what, because his ears were buzzing, but he could decipher Tonk’s reply, which was that she would like an October ale and a burger, cooked well. The words made no sense in Remus’ fuzzy, confused brain.
They sat in silence for a while. Remus got himself under control, and found that he could look up at her, and at the color televisions behind the bar. He was very interested in them, because they were never in wizard pubs, only Muggle restaurants like this one. However, even the television couldn’t distract him from the pale witch in front of him.
“Remus, we need to talk,” she said after a while. She sounded dead serious, but scared and maybe even a little desperate.
“Yeah, we do,” he said, pushing away the remains of his meal and shifting in his seat. “You first.”
“Fine. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I was at your house in the summer- no, scratch that, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking ever since the battle at the Ministry. I’ve been so confused lately, and I’ve figured out why it is. When I saw Sirius die, I started thinking about this whole stupid war and why I’m really doing it. I know I joined the Order to help save the Wizarding world, and, god, I wish it was still that way. But after the Ministry, I realized that there are things I care more about than the well being of the entire magical community. There is someone out there I’m fighting for, and every night I thank my lucky stars he’s still alive. It seems self centered, but there you are. All I want…”
She faltered, not looking at Remus.
“All I want is to know whether or not he feels the same way.”
She finally looked up at him, and he saw what he had been both hoping and dreading in her eyes. She was in love with him and he was in love back.
His entire body became tense again and his desire to get closer to her became hard to resist. With a tremendous effort, he tore his gaze away from hers.
“Tonks,” he began, “I am too old for you. I don’t have any money. I am too dangerous…”
“I don’t care!” she said, so loudly that several men at the bar turned to look at her.
“All I care about,” she said, more quietly, as the men returned their gazes to the television, “is how you feel, Remus. I need to know.”
“No…no, no,” he whispered, but every physical force known to wizard kind was drawing him steadily towards her. She was so close. This couldn’t be happening, he knew he had to stop, but he couldn’t resist, not know that she was mere inches away. She was coming closer too, her faced pained. This couldn’t be happening…
Their lips brushed, light as feathers, but it was a match that lit the bonfire. Remus wanted to curse the table for being in the way, but he still managed to have one hand running through her hair, his legs soft against her calves, his mouth pressed blindly to hers. Tonks was breathing deeply, drinking in his scent, cold like the wintry air outside, and his mouth tasted slightly like the ale they had both been drinking.
Every particle of Remus’ body screamed its approval of what he was doing, but the sensible voice in the back of his head was yelling at him to break the kiss. Tonks was surprised that he was actually kissing her, but as she felt his body stiffen, she knew they had gone too far. Breathing heavily, Remus pulled away, and she sat, staring at him.
He looked stunned, as if he were trying to convince himself that nothing had happened. She just looked at him. She had told him how she felt, and, if what had just happened was any indicator, he felt the same way. But she still had to see what he would do about it.
Slowly, he brought his hand up to touch his mouth. Then he seemed to come out of his trance.
“No,” he said, more to himself than to Tonks.
“No,” he said again, more firmly. “Tonks, this can’t…can’t happen. No.”
“I don’t”“ she began, but it was too late. He was gone.
Love Is by smiley10792
Chapter Notes: JKR owns the characters, I'm just having fun.
Enjoy, and let me know what you think