The Harry Potter Literary Storm
Chapter Four: The Next Book About the Guy With the Thing
Happy was laughing.
“Listen to this!” he cried, reading from a newspaper. “‘World Hit by Category Three Literary Storm!’
“‘As JK Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’ series continues, it only gets better, according to a recent poll held by ‘News Newspaper’. While experts fail to explain what has been described as the ‘Potter Phenomenon’, fans are just eager for the next book to finally come out.
“‘I just know there’s something going on with Harry and Hermione,’ one enthusiastic fan told reporters. ‘I mean, they have the same little nose! It’s a little clue, and that’s why Harry Potter’s so amazing.’ She continued to explain: ‘I think what’s so great is that it’s like a detective story… Like with Lupin turning out to be a rabid wolf who needs to get shots every month, which causes him to go temporarily insane in anger, and Martin Malovski Saint Clair being Ron’s rat all along… you have no idea what’s going on, but then at the end it’s like you should have known from the beginning!’
“Experts describe this as the ‘fantastic literature’ syndrome. Says Dr Bryant of Hemingway’s School of Literature,
“‘I think what J.K. Rowling is doing is just amazing. Neirbo Publications and J.K. Rowling deliver masterpiece after masterpiece… There are so many characters, you have to identify with at least one… Personally, my favourite character is Snape. I don’t know why… ‘Your work is bad’, ‘I don’t like you very much, Potter’, ‘that potion is yucky’,’ Bryant laughs warmly, ‘So witty! See? Potter fever has even affected me!’
“While the mystery of Harry Potter’s past becomes more and more intriguing, with every piece of new information bringing up more questions than ever, the upcoming book, rumoured to be called ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’, is sure to be a hit.”
The anonymous authors, Jackie and Happy all high-fived each other.
“So,” said Happy, wiping a happy tear from his eye, “what’s next on the agenda?” Jackie looked at his piece of butchers’ paper.
“Next, it says to write the fourth book,” he explained.
“Hmm…” Happy pondered, tapping his chin. “Interesting. I think what we need to do with this book is give the readers a surprise “ some curiosity, you know? Everything’s following the same format. We need a change.”
“What kind of change?” asked Jackie. The authors all nodded.
“A new title,” said Happy, “and a creative one at that. Suggestions, anyone?”
“‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’?” suggested an author. Happy rolled his eyes.
“Is that your way of surprising people “ giving them exactly what they expect? We need something different. Something better.”
“‘Harry Potter and the Escapee of Azkaban’?”
“Definitely… not!” snapped Happy.
“‘Harry Potter Goes Ice Skating’?” suggested Jackie.
“It has a nice ring to it,” admitted Happy, “but no.”
“‘Harry Potter and the Triwizard Tournament’?” an author proposed.
“Not quite there,” Happy said. “Tweak it. Something with more drama!”
“‘Harry Potter and the Doomspell Tournament’?” the author tweaked.
“I like it!” Happy said excitedly, marvelling at his own genius. But it needed one more little change. “But a little more mystery would be nice… we need to break the regular pattern.”
On the white-board, which was in the room although they had never used it, Happy wrote,
‘HARRY POTTER AND THE DOOMSPELL TOURNAMENT’
All their authors tapped their noses, until…
“I have the perfect idea,” said one. “It’s simple, and crazy, but it just might work…”
He made the change up on the board.
“Genius, my dear author!” Happy exclaimed, and clapped him on the back. “Have a 12% pay rise…”
Over the following four hundred and seventy-four days and nights, Happy, Jackie and the authors wrote and wrote, one plan after another, one chapter after the next, until it was ready for publishing.
“Now,” Happy told the authors, as the manuscript sat on the table, piling almost up to the ceiling, “I think, since the title’s a little risky, we will have to choose a chapter or two to send to the publishing company, to prove our Harry Potter book is brilliant, like the rest of them.”
They spent the next three hours presenting propositions, and voting, until they finally decided upon their feature chapters.
Chapter 12: Doomspell Me
“I’m so glad I’m finally getting the chance to watch another sorting,” Harry commented to his two best friends: Hermione, whose hair was big and puffy just like her brain, and Ron, whose hair was carrot-coloured, just like a carrot.
“Yeah,” said Ron, “Me too. It’s a shame Ginny’s not being sorted this year, the first year we’ve been to a sorting since our own.” Harry nodded, although he really couldn’t care less whether he’d seen Ron’s little sister’s sorting ceremony.
“I was there!” piped up another red-head, but this time it was a girl. Harry looked at her, confused.
“Harry, aren’t you going to say ‘hello’ to Mafalda?” asked Ron, as if Harry was being very rude.
“Oh, sorry,” said Harry. “Hello, Mafalda. I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Yes,” said Hermione, “and it’s about bloody time, too. Mafalda’s in our year, Harry, and has always been in some of our classes!”
“Not to mention,” added Ron, “she’s a very popular member of my extended family!”
Harry blinked.
“Really?” Everyone nodded. “I’m sorry, I never noticed, Mafalda.”
“That’s okay,” said Mafalda, “Hermione explained you were a little dim.”
Harry blinked again.
“You should probably get back to the rest of the Slytherins, Mafalda,” Ron suggested. Mafalda nodded.
“Goodbye, Herm. Bye, Ronno. See you later, Harry.” She walked back to her own table, on the way receiving waves from the twins.
“NOW!” exclaimed Dumbledore, and the entire Great Hall of students jumped. He cleared his throat. “Now,” he began again, “for everyone who is new to the school, allow me to run you through all the obvious information. As for everyone else, I’ll shout again when you need to listen.”
“What a considerate Headmaster,” commented Fred and/or George Weasley.
“I wonder who the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is this year,” Harry changed the subject.
“Me too,” said Ron.
“Me three,” agreed Hermione. “Whoever it is, they’re not here yet.”
“Neither is Snape,” put in Harry, unnecessarily. “How odd.”
“Maybe he stepped on a crack and broke his back,” suggested Ron, evilly.
“LISTEN!” bellowed Dumbledore now, and everyone stopped talking. “Now I have some stuff to tell everyone in the school. There will be no Quidditch this year.”
Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet were about to faint. Several people were preparing to groan, angrily, and the twins took deep breaths to shout something very rude.
“But,” Dumbledore went on, “Before you start fainting and groaning and being rude, let me tell you: we will have a very big year, because this year, Hogwarts will be hosting the first Doomspell tournament in 700 years!”
“You’re joking!” exclaimed Fred and/or George Weasley in awe, and then for a moment the Great Hall fell into silence. “What’s a Doomspell tournament?” Dumbledore chuckled.
“Well, Fred and/or George Weasley, a long time ago, there were three wizarding schools called ‘Durmstrang’, ‘Beauxbatons’ and ‘Hogwarts’. They were in three different countries, but still got on really, really well. Thus, they decided to hold a contest. Each school would have one Champion enter the contest, and whichever Champion won received the Doomspell cup, and their school was named the Coolest school. However, because so many champions died, the contest was discontinued.
“Representatives of those same three schools have recently decided that the time is absolutely ripe for another shot at inter-school and international unity.”
“Cool,” commented Fred and/or George, happily.
“Indeed,” agreed Dumbledore. “Now, this year“”
But at that moment, Dumbledore was interrupted by a loud, crashing noise.
“Whatever could that be?” he wondered aloud. His question was soon answered as two highly mismatched people entered the Great Hall, one with a spinning magical eye and the other with a hooked nose and greasy hair.
“Oh my goodness!” whispered Ron, “that guy looks so creepy!”
“Yes,” whispered Hermione, “I think his eye just spun into the back of his head!”
“No!” hissed Ron, “That’s only Mad-Eye Moody, the questionably sane ex-Auror! He’s just an old friend of my Dad’s. I was referring to Snape! He’s even meaner and wittier looking than ever!”
“Sorry we’re late,” the crazy-looking fellow with the magical, electric blue eye apologised. Harry noticed he also had a wooden leg, and scars covering him from top to wooden toe.
“That’s okay,” said Dumbledore. “Did you run into trouble?”
“Yeah,” said Moody, “I ran into this hooligan.”
Snape did not seem to appreciate being called a hooligan.
“Now, now, Mad-Eye,” Dumbledore tut-tutted sternly. “You know perfectly well that I don’t believe that Severus is a hooligan. Not any more, anyway. Now, he’s just a sallow, mean-spirited Potions Master.”
“See?” demanded Snape angrily. “I told you!”
“Yeah, well,” muttered Moody. “I still don’t like you.”
“You’re stupid,” argued back Snape as cleverly as ever.
“Now, I think, would be a good time to introduce you all to your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and your old Potions Master,” Dumbledore told everyone. “Professor Moody and Professor Snape.” He applauded them, indifferent to their angry mutterings, and went on. “Anyway, since these two distracted me, I’m afraid I’ve kept our foreign guests waiting! May I introduce to you the very large Madame Maxime and the students of Beauxbatons!”
From the ceiling then fluttered down several students, and one very large, female teacher, assumedly Madame Maxime. The Hogwarts students all clapped politely, though Harry expected that they, like him, were jealous that the students had been allowed to fly in the Great Hall, something which Dumbledore had never let them do.
“Hello, Madame!”
“Oh, hello!” Madame Maxime greeted Dumbledore.
“I trust your giant carriage had no problem flying to the school, pulled by massive winged horses?” asked Dumbledore.
“Of course not,” Madam Mazime told him. “Your school roof is so very flat after all.” Dumbledore, not being able to reach her head or shoulder, awkwardly patted her on the shin.
“And finally, of course, it’s time to introduce the students of Durmstrang and their highly questionable Headmaster, Professor Karkaroff!”
There was a rumbling beneath the floor, and, after a moment or so, several shovels began to pop out, followed by the drill-shaped helmets of the students of Durmstrang. Their teacher, apparently called ‘Karkaroff’, marched proudly to the front of the hall, brushing dirt all over the floor.
“Dumbo, old man!” he greeted amiably. Dumbledore, who apparently didn’t appreciate being called ‘Dumbo’ any more than Snape liked being called a hooligan, ignored him.
“A round of the plause for the students of Durmstrang please!” Dumbledore addressed the students, who, not liking the fact that most of them had been flicked with sawdust and dirt (not to mention the fact that their Headmaster had just been called ‘Dumbo’) clapped very unenthusiastically.
What happened next, however, surely changed the Hogwarts students’ moods. As the Durmstrang students removed their disgusting helmets, one of them shone above the rest of them, an ugly yet amazing specimen of athletic talent.
Ron choked on his surprise and consequently passed out.
“Harry,” Hermione said, realisation in her voice, “isn’t that that guy from the game who beat that guy to get the thing?!”
Harry nodded.
“Yes, Hermione, I think that’s the guy.”
With a paper clip, Happy put this chapter together, and then reached for the other favourite...
To be continued...
I know. It's cruel. But I promise that part two will be up as quickly as I can get it up.
Come back next time for Happy's 'Chapter 23: A Dark Power Darkly Darkens the Day'!
But before then, thanks for reading and reviewers are are like chocolate, in most ways except for the fact that if you review, I promise not to eat you...
The Harry Potter Literary Storm by Mind_Over_Matter
Chapter Notes: Happy has never been so happy with himself. The Harry Potter books couldn’t be more successful, and are receiving glowing reviews, the Potter Phenomenon is simply phenomenal, and, as usual, he’s the one to thank for it all.
What will Happy O’Brien, Jackie van de Geissen and all the anonymous authors come up with for the fourth and middle Harry Potter book?
Disclaimer: I would like to disclaim everything that’s not mine in this story “ in other words, basically everything that’s really worth owning. I own Happy, Jackie, the Authors, ‘News Newspaper’, the random fan and Dr. Bryant, but other than that, everything belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling.
I'm sorry, guys. I promised my favourite chapter yet, but for some reason, the chapter's being chopped off after 4,700 words. Which seems like such a random number. Anyway, the point is, I've chopped it in half. The much-beloved part will be in chapter four, part two. So stick around!
As usual, my rambunctious thanks go to Schmergo, for her fantastic beta-ing, infectious enthusiasm and random comment about wanting to see more of Happy's version of Voldemort, which led to the creation of the entire second part of this chapter. You rock, Schmergo!
I'd also like to remind everyone that I am forever grateful to Schmergo, Valentinia and Froggie, who all nominated this story for the QsQ awards. You guys really poured yet more fuel into Happy's ego.