The Harry Potter Literary Storm
Chapter Five, Part One: A Troublesome Flashback
Since, by some kind of genius psychic knowledge, Happy knew that the fifth Harry Potter book would be magnificently long, he and the crack team of anonymous authors, along with Happy’s assistant, Jackie van de Geissen, had already begun writing it, and the time for initial decisions and plot-formation talks was long gone.
Now, they were writing the chapters, and one of the anonymous authors had come across a serious problem.
“And what is this ‘serious problem’?” Happy demanded.
“Well,” the author told him, “I’m working on Chapter Thirty-two, ‘Deceived, Wolfish, Hidden and Nondescript’, and I’ve realised “ I need to write a flashback!” Happy rolled his eyes.
“Well, write a flashback then!” he snapped impatiently.
“But you don’t understand, Mr O’Brien,” the author told him, “it’s a complex flashback.” Happy took a double-take.
“With character development, personal demons on the loose and shameful histories?” he clarified worriedly.
“Yes,” the anonymous author told him. Happy paled dramatically.
“Then there’s only one thing to do,” he said heroically.
“What?” asked the author.
“I was just getting to that,” snapped Happy. “We’ll have to go to the flashback extraordinaire man of geniusness!”
Now, it was time for everyone else to double-take.
“But will he see us?” asked Jackie. Happy tapped his chin.
“He’ll have to,” he proclaimed. “We’re looking at a possible Category Five literary storm. We’ll just have to send him a completed chapter before-hand, to prove we’re true blue.”
“True blue?” asked Jackie.
“Yeah, you know the phrase. Clear and correct. Keepin’ it real. I was brushing up on my Australianisms.”
“He’s a“” Jackie began dramatically, “a “ oh, look, I can’t even say it…”
“That’s right,” said Happy. “He’s an Aussie.”
At that moment, several people fainted, especially, particularly, and most prominently, Jackie. To the remainder, Happy inquired,
“Anyone got a decent finished chapter on them?” The anonymous authors fiddled around on the table.
“I’ve got the one where Hermione and Cho get into a vicious fight, Percy becomes a Knight of Walpurgis and Colin Creevey gets eaten,” said one, hopefully.
“Don’t be ridiculous, man,” snapped Happy. “That’ll be the dullest chapter in the book! Anyone else?”
“I’ve got the one where Harry turns into a bird,” said one.
“No!” snapped Happy, irritated.
“I’ve got the one when Ginny turns into a plane,” suggested another.
“No!” snapped Happy.
“I’ve got the one when Lucius Malfoy gets into a fight with Superman,” put forward a third anonymous author.
“No, no, no!” Happy roared. “What is it with you people?! And they’ll need to be fixed. Harry’s the hero “ he can’t turn into a bird! Ginny’s the love interest, so she can’t turn into a plane! And for goodness sakes, everyone. Lucius Malfoy already is Superman. Do we have any decent chapters that have been proof-read and edited at least four times?” The final conscious author raised her hand.
“I think I might have something that we can send,” she claimed. “The best one I can find.”
Chapter 17: The Pleasant and Unpleasant Surprise(s)
Harry was standing in the middle of the kitchen at Grimmauld Place.
“I’m so happy I could dance,” he commented to Mrs Weasley, who was a lovely lady and a fantastic cook; Hermione who was fantastically brainy and witty, and who, suspiciously, had the same little nose as Harry; Ginny Weasley, who was feisty, quick thinking, charming and great at Quidditch; and the twins, who were ingenious, confident, loveable, popular and clearheaded. Also, there was Remus Lupin, who was modest, creative, kind, encouraging, clever and oddly furry; Sirius Black, who was Harry’s magnificently smart and good looking Godfather, the only person to have ever escaped Azkaban prison, strong-willed and loyal…; and, lastly, Ron Weasley, who used to have a rat. Also, Ron suffered from comical arachnophobia.
“Well, you only live once,” said Fred and/or George, which caused Harry to lose all inhibition and jump on the kitchen table, and shout,
“I GOT OFF!”
Everyone cheered.
“Oh, good,” said Mrs Weasley. “Now, where’s Arthur?”
“He went back to work,” said Harry. “Something about having strengths that were difficult to articulate…?”
“Ah, probably his application for a promotion,” explained Molly. “Now, who wants dinner?”
“I want dinner,” said Ron.
“Well good then,” said Mrs Weasley. “Ginny, set the table, please.”
Ginny didn’t get time to argue at length, because at this moment a small troop of owls arrived at the window, each with a name written on it “ there was one for every Hogwarts student.
“I bet those are our Hogwarts letters,” said Hermione.
“No way I’m taking that bet,” Mrs Weasley told her. “Why don’t you all see what they say?”
“Alright!” agreed Ginny, who had just got out of setting the table.
In his envelope, Harry found his usual Hogwarts letter, telling him about the books he’d need that year. The new Defence Against the Dark Arts ones looked particularly intriguing.
“‘A Theoretical Guide to Non-Ministry-Threatening, Un-useful Defence’. Sounds like an interesting book,” commented Fred and/or George sarcastically.
“And look at the other one,” added Hermione, “’A Strictly Impractical Approach to Teaching Defence to Hogwarts Students’.”
“Let me guess,” guessed Harry, “Dumbledore got Binns to teach Defence this year.”
It was a few moments of agreeable muttering, when all of a sudden there was a ‘thump’ as Ron fell limply to the floor.
“What’s all this fainting about, then?” asked Mrs Weasley from the stove.
“It’s just Ron,” said Ginny, uninterested, “with a look of surprise on his face. Does“”
“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed Hermione, interrupting Ginny. She was staring at an extra letter that had been inside her envelope. “I can’t believe it! Look!” Ginny looked, and so did Harry.
“‘Prefect’,” read Ginny.
“Nice one,” commented Harry. “And don’t look so surprised. You were a shoe-in.”
“But there was so much buzz around Lavender, and “ oh, I just can’t believe it!” Hermione squealed.
“What other books do you have this year?” asked Lupin. “I can’t believe that’s all you need for Defence Against the Dark Arts…” he picked up Ron’s letter with his canine teeth, and lay it on the floor.
Despite Hermione’s continued squealing and attempts at modesty, the attention of the room was soon cast upon the little something that fell out of Ron’s envelope.
“‘P’,” Ginny read from the badge. “Prefect!”
“Wow,” said Harry. “Nice. I guess.”
It was at this moment that Ron woke up, and, seeing the badge in Lupin’s teeth, sat up defensively.
“Hey! That’s mine!” he snapped. “Give it! Lupin! Give…” Lupin dropped the badge into his hand, and Ron stuffed it into his pocket, patting Lupin on the head, affectionately.
“Wow,” said Sirius calmly. “Well done, dude. I guess that’s the way it goes, eh Harry? Hermione must have been more of a shoe-in than you, and Gryffindor couldn’t have two Prefects with the same little nose.”
“Yeah,” agreed Ron.
“I guess,” moped Harry.
“But if that’s Dumbledore’s excuse, then it’s a lame one,” Hermione added, trying to cheer him up.
“Yeah,” agreed Ron. “Totally.”
“I bet he has some insane reason for giving the badge to Ron and not you,” Fred and/or George comforted.
“Yeah,” agreed Ron, but then thought a moment, before… “Hey!” he snapped. “Are you implying that Harry was more deserving of this badge than me, and that only insanity could cause Dumbledore to choose me over him, when none of his grades are flying colours anyway, and he is the Chosen One who is the only person in the world who can defeat You Know Who? Are you saying that The Boy Who Lived, who has the same little nose as Hermione and Sirius, is better than me, Ron, with my non-rat, annoying owl and comic arachnophobia?” He took a deep breath.
Everyone looked at each other.
“Well…” Lupin broke the silence awkwardly.
“Comic arachnophobia is kind of overrated,” Sirius added.
“And you’re totally overshadowed by the fact that most of the people around you are smarter, or more successful. Usually both,” Mrs Weasley added apologetically.
Ron blinked blankly, not sure what to say. Tears threatened to leak out of his lovely, watery blue, puppy-dog eyes.
“Actually, I can’t think of anyone better to be Prefect,” said Ginny.
“Yeah, well done, Ron,” agreed Hermione.
“You rock,” added everyone else uncomfortably, in perfect unison.
Apparently forgetting their plight to make Harry feel better and unable to comfort both boys at the same time, the party decided to hold a celebration.
“Let’s have a ‘Congratulations’ party!” suggested Mrs Weasley, and, as everyone went to help conjure decorations and eat stuff, Harry skulked off to a far off region of the house and thought deep, complex, philosophical, psychological and incredibly upsetting thoughts.
“That’s a perfect chapter,” Happy said when he read it. “Just wonderful. We can send it to the flash-back man, post-haste, by a system even more lightning fast than email. Fax!”
Using this new and unexplored technology, Happy sent the chapter to the flashback extraordinaire man of geniusness, who also happened to be Australian, post-haste.
A few moments later, he got a return fax.
Confident that the rest of the book would go well, Happy decided to go and lie down, and took a long, well-deserved, nap.
o0oOo0o
Will the flashback work out?
Will the fifth Harry Potter book be finished on time?
Will the flashback extraordinaire man of geniusness ever get a shorter name?
Was there ever a person who could match Snape's wit?
All these questions and more to be answered in Chapter Five, Part Two of The Harry Potter Literary Storm.
The Harry Potter Literary Storm by Mind_Over_Matter
Chapter Notes: When one of the anonymous authors runs into a situation of difficulty, it’s time to call in the expert. But will he help?
Disclaimer: Nope, I can't claim any more characters yet, so Happy, Jackie and the anonymous authors are still my only characters in this story.
Schmergo = *heart*. That's all there is to it.