Chapter Six: A Funeral Full of Shocks and Fainting
By now, Happy and the authors were practically dancing on top of a Category Five, world-wide literary storm.
“Look at this!” Happy commented, surfing the web. “A theory that Dumbledore will die in the sixth book!” he laughed. “How ridiculous is that?”
“And this one!” laughed Jackie, looking over Happy’s shoulder. “Someone’s predicting that Malfoy will become a Knight of Walpurgis! That’s just silly “ everyone knows that he was eaten by an Acromantula!”
“You never know,” Happy contradicted, “I’m considering bringing Malfoy back from the dead.” There was a pause.
“Wow,” Jackie commented, “that’s good. I’m writing it down.”
“Speaking of writing things down,” an anonymous author spoke, seizing the moment to make a suggestion, “shouldn’t we get onto writing the sixth book by now? We don’t even have a title.”
“Quiet, you,” snapped Happy. “I’m thinking of one. Err“” he saw a book on a nearby table, “we’ll call it “ umm…” He twisted his head to read it. “‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’. There. Done. Oh, look! A theory that Rufus Scrimgeour will become Minister for Magic! Preposterous!”
“Are you sure, Mr O’Brien?” asked the author. “We do, after all, already have a book called ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’…”
“Well, we own the title,” Happy said obviously. “If you have a better idea, name it. If you don’t, either be quiet or you’re fired.” He read the screen, and giggled. “Or come and read some of these “ a theory that Sirius is really dead! These people are crazy, I tell you!”
“How about at least something like, ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Revisited’,” the author suggested wearily.
“No!” snapped Happy.
“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Bird?” suggested another one of the authors.
“No!” snapped Happy. He didn’t even need to think “ the first three or so suggestions were always stupid.
“‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Plane’?” suggested another author.
“No!” snapped Happy, reading a theory about Severus Snape being good. How silly were these people?
“Alright,” the first author said. “What do you think of ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Superman’?”
“Alright, alright!” Happy caved in. “Fine! You have your ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Superman’!”
But then, Happy paused for a moment, thinking.
That idea had real potential.
A little fuse of inspiration had been lit in his head, and his brain was now exploding with ideas!
“That’s not just ‘fine’,” he said merrily. “That’s perfect! Have a 24% raise! Someone write that down somewhere, in big letters!” He turned off the computer. “Now, everyone, I know you like lazing around and laughing at theories, but I’ve decided it’s time to get serious about this new book. We need some more complex characters. Last time the ‘Lily related to Sirius related to James related to Harry related to the Blacks related to Petunia’ bombshell was dropped. We need something more complicated than that!”
Jackie put up his hand excitedly.
“Yes, Jackie?” asked Happy, wondering why his assistant, Jackie van de Geissen, had put up his hand.
“Romance!” exclaimed Jackie. “We need romance!”
Happy tapped his nose.
“Jackie, my friend, you’ve got a point. Romance, people! Let’s hear some ideas.”
“Well, it’s obvious Ginny has a thing for Harry,” one author said.
“Yes, said Happy. “That’s true. Something a little less obvious, please?”
“Well, Ginny’s in love with Harry, like, totally,” Jackie explained, “but since Harry’s just so fabulous, wouldn’t everyone else have a crush on him?”
“Yes,” said Happy. “Yes! You’re right!”
“So Harry can go out with Hermione, just so everyone gets off his back!” finished Jackie.
“I like it!” Happy exclaimed. “I like that very much!”
“And then,” Jackie went on, “Hermione’s obviously head-over-heels for Ron. But because she’s going out with Harry, Ron goes out with Lavender to make her jealous. Oh, and then he starts doting over Cho so that Lavender knows he’s not too serious, so everyone thinks Ron’s in love with Cho!”
“Fantastic, Jackie!” Happy exclaimed. He had never realised Jackie was such a goldmine for romantic ideas!
“And Cho is going out with Cedric (who’s not dead), but falls in love with Harry, which causes her to have a serious fight with Ginny,” Jackie explained. All the authors were scribbling frantically.
“We need a twist in all of this,” Happy said thoughtfully.
“I was just getting to that!” Jackie yipped excitedly. “Cedric can fall in love with Luna!”
“Brilliant!” exclaimed Happy, while the anonymous authors ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed.
“And Luna’s obviously in love with Malfoy, and starts following him around, but Malfoy’s always been in love with Ginny, as we well know.”
“Good point,” Happy said. “Don’t stop there!” And Jackie didn’t plan to.
“And then Goyle has a crush on Hermione, and beats up Ron when he realises what’s going on, because I’m sure Goyle can see through the whole ‘Lavender and Cho’ cover Ron’s got going on, the genius that he is. Then, since Hermione’s in love with Ron, she beats Goyle up…”
By the end of Jackie’s ideas, they had so many pages of writing that the book could easily have nothing but a complex and intriguing web of relationships, romance and deceit. However, since this was a Harry Potter book, there would be more to it. There always was.
And why?
Because, of course, Happy O’Brien was behind it. And Happy O’Brien had not lost a square inch of his genius.
“This book, my dear authors and Jackie,” he told the authors and Jackie, “will be the best book yet.”
“What about the second one though?” queried one of the authors.
“Yes, yes, except for the second one,” conceded Happy.
For the following five hundred and fifty-three days and five hundred and fifty-five nights (they had skipped two days’ work to go to a literature convention in Scotland) the anonymous authors, Happy and Jackie worked their little hearts out to create the next masterpiece, and, when the end of the writing process approached, Happy decided that they should all reflect on their own, remarkable genius, the group genius, and, more importantly, Happy’s genius, by reading the final chapter over a dinner of platinum-coated Stradivarius-quality lobsters.
Chapter 38: Harrowing
“This is so harrowing!” sobbed Hermione, as she and her tall friend, Ron, stood before two matching coffins. “So, so harrowing, Ron! I can barely take it!”
“Me neither,” agreed Ron. “Me neither, Hermione. It just… it just wasn’t their time.”
“Oh, what will we do?” sobbed Hermione. “When I looked into their eyes, I just saw so much innocence. And now it’s taken away.”
They heard a growling sound.
“Who was that growling?” demanded Ron. “How dare you growl in front of these tomb stones? How dare you?!”
“You’re stupid,” said Snape. “They were bad.”
“No they weren’t!” cried Hermione. “You bitter, cruel-hearted old Potions Master!”
Snape was clearly unimpressed at the fact that, despite his position as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, he was still being called a Potions Master.
Hermione leaned forward to read from one of the plaques. “They were wonderful people. See? ‘Here lies Harry Potter; loyal friend; protector of all good; fantastic Quidditch player…’”
“Yeah,” said Snape, “and then it says, ‘terrible student; occasionally shouted; messy hair’.”
“Well look at the other one then!” snapped Ron, wiping tears from his eyes as their mean old Professor put down his best friend. “’Here lies Tom Riddle; passionate student; handsome child; intelligent person’.”
“Yeah, silly,” said Snape, “and then it says, ‘aka Lord Voldemort; dictator; hideous creature; heartless super-villain’!”
“Well“” sniffed Hermione. “Well, fair enough. But they’re still gone. Oh, what will we do?”
At that moment, several other people came up to pay their respects (and disrespects). Among them was Lupin, the rabid wolf and beloved friend.
“Hello, you two,” he said, and from the look on his furry little face, not to mention the tears that had obviously been dried from his little wolfy eyes, Ron and Hermione could tell he was heart-broken.
“Lupin, you’re dumb,” said Snape. Lupin ignored him.
“Are you doing alright?” he asked softly.
“Yeah,” said Ron, “yeah, I suppose we are. You know, considering.”
“No, they’re gits,” contradicted Snape.
“I was referring to their emotional well-being,” snapped Lupin.
“I don’t care,” replied Snape, harshly, in his sharp and inarguably clever way.
“Oh, I don’t have time for your witty wordplay, Snape,” growled Lupin. “Ron, Hermione, there is someone who very much wishes to talk to you. Come this way…”
They followed the little fellow away from the coffins of their dear friend, Harry, and the Dark Lord, Voldemort, to where a very large man stood waiting. He was their potions teacher, Professor Bicycle Slughorn.
“Professor Slughorn?” asked Ron. “What do you want with us?”
“Well, I mostly want to talk to Hermione,” said Professor Slughorn, “because I seriously doubt your intelligence, Rambo.”
“Fair enough,” said Hermione, “but what’s happening, Professor?”
“Well, Remus and I thought… considering everything that’s happened, and the fact that the fate of the world now rests upon your shoulders to get rid of Voldemort’s “ uh “ thingies…” he glanced at Lupin, knowing the secret needed to be kept, “we should probably come clean.”
“Yes,” said Remus, “Although I don’t know what ‘thingies’ this man is referring to, I too believe we need to come clean. We haven’t been entirely truthful.”
“About what?” asked Ron.
“Well, my name’s not really Bicycle Slughorn,” Slughorn told them. “It’s Romulus Slughorn. I was just embarrassed because ‘Romulus’ is such a ridiculous name.”
“That’s very understandable…” commented Hermione.
“And, well… my name’s not really Remus J. Lupin,” said Lupin. “‘Lupin was my mother’s maiden name. My real name is…”
Ron and Hermione listened intently.
“Remus J. L. … Slughorn!” Lupin told them emotionally. “Bicycle here is my brother!”
Ron fainted.
“You’re kidding!” exclaimed Hermione.
“No, we’re not,” said Slughorn… Romulus Slughorn, that was. “Please still think of me as Bicycle though.”
“Alright, Professor Bicycle,” Hermione accepted. “But why did you decide to tell us now?”
It was at this point that another voice chipped in. Standing behind the enormous Bicycle Slughorn was the bartender from the Hog’s Head.
“Because it’s all very important,” this new fellow explained. “Because my name is Argo Pyrites Slughorn. I am young Remus and Bicycle’s father.”
Ron fainted again.
“You’re kidding!” exclaimed Hermione. The old man shook his head.
“No, Hermione, I’m not kidding.”
“But I was so sure you were Aberforth Dumbledore, the Headmaster’s brother,” Hermione told him, getting confused.
“I am!” he told her. “And I’m glad we didn’t have to break that to you too!”
“But “ you just said your name was Argo Pyrites Slughorn,” Hermione told him. “I’m a little confused…”
Again, another voice chipped in. From behind Bicycle Slughorn came another person, the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Or so they thought…
“That’s because it’s a little confusing, Hermione,” he told her softly. “See, I didn’t like the name ‘Slughorn’, so I invented the name ‘Dumbledore’. Imagine how silly ‘Icicle Slughorn’ would look on the chocolate frog cards! Remus and Bicycle here are my nephews.”
Ron fainted, yet again.
“So… oh, dear, this is weird,” apologised Hermione. Everyone nodded, and Ron stirred from his unconsciousness. “Please, let me recap for Ron here. So Remus Lupin is actually Remus Slughorn, Professor Bicycle Slughorn, the new Potions Master, is actually Remus’s brother, Romulus Slughorn, the bartender of the Hog’s Head is Argo Pyrites Slughorn, their father, and you, Headmaster are his brother, Icicle?”
“That’s right, Hermione,” said Dumbledore “ err, Icicle Slughorn. “Please don’t think of us any differently, however. We’re still the people you know and love. We just happen to send Christmas cards to the same people every year.” Ron finally piped up.
“No offence, anyone, but I’m just confused as to how you could all be related to Remus here, our beloved ex-Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, who is a rabid wolf.”
“Hey,” said Professor Slughorn, whose first name was really Romulus, “he’s only rabid because Fenir Greyback bit him.”
“Fair enough,” said Ron, “but you’re all still closely related to a wolf.”
There was a short pause.
“There is no way you would understand how that works,” said Lupin, who was really Remus Slughorn, apologetically, “but I assure you, it is possible.”
“So why are you explaining all of this now?” Hermione asked again. “It’s all very interesting and slightly disturbing, but“”
“It’s time you understand that families aren’t as simple as they seem,” explained Bicycle.
“Think about that,” added Dumbledore, who was Icicle Slughorn.
And the four of them disapparated.
“Well,” said Hermione, the urge to query the fact that four people had just apparated from within Hogwarts grounds evident on her face, “I think we should get back to the funeral.”
“I whole-heartedly agree,” Ron agreed, whole-heartedly.
They had barely walked three paces, however, when a quiet ‘psst!’ could be heard.
“Oh, what’s next?” groaned Ron. “Is Hermione related to Voldemort now?” It was not Hermione, Voldemort, or anything to do with that, however. The man who had hailed them was, in fact, the Minister for Magic, Lucius Malfoy.
“Well, I don’t know about that,” he said jovially, “but I do have something really, really important to discuss with you, if you have a moment.”
“Of course,” Hermione told him, and they all set off, down towards the lake.
As soon as they were away from any listening ears that did not belong to them, Lucius Malfoy began,
“Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that our beloved Lord Voldemort and your disgustingly horrible Harry Potter have died?” he asked.
“Yes,” said Ron, “although I’m not sure about your use of adjectives in that question.”
“Oh, the adjectives aren’t the point, man!” snapped Lucius.
“Well, what is the point then?” asked Ron.
“The point is, ever since my darling Draco was eaten mysteriously by an Acromantula, I have been researching methods to bring people back from the dead,” Lucius explained.
“I hardly see how that’s in any way relevant to the situation,” said Hermione coldly.
“Oh, it’s more relevant than you think,” Minister Malfoy told them. “Because I believe I have found a way to bring back your little friend, my much bigger friend, and my fantastic son.”
“Why are you telling us?” asked Hermione suspiciously. “Why not just bring back your evil people and leave Harry out?”
“Because,” said Lucius, “oh, dear this is complicated. I have it from a decent source that your Weasley friend here has a penchant for fainting. Perhaps we should sit down.”
The three of them sat down, and Lucius began his tale.
“Long, long ago, there were four founders called Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Godric Gryffindor, and the wonderful Salazar Slytherin.”
Ron nodded, not fainting yet.
“Well, one day, halfway through the creation of Hogwarts, Rowena and Godric got killed by a passing assassin. Obviously the remaining two couldn’t create the school without them, so they came up with a way “ a spell, if you will “ to bring the dead back to life. Ironically, however, it could only work twice, but each time it was used, countless people could be brought back. They brought those two back, and left the legend for some other poor soul, such as me…”
“So why do you need us?” demanded Hermione, growing impatient.
“I was getting to that,” snapped Lucius. “Don’t rush me, woman! Anyway, to do the spell they needed to have two people of founder’s blood present for the ceremony. It’s a simple ceremony “ chanting, dancing, ritual sacrifice…”
“Sacrifice?!” exclaimed Hermione.
“Sacrifice of blood, from the participants!” Lucius told her. “Don’t get your knickers in a knot!”
“Blood?!” exclaimed Ron, going green.
“Just a little bit!” Lucius told him sternly. “Good grief, don’t you get your knickers in a knot either! Anyway, I was looking at the family trees of the founders. I can find plenty of Hufflepuff’s heirs. Basically anyone with the last name of ‘Smith’, ‘Roberts’, ‘Robins’ or ‘Johnson’ is a descendant. But for some reason, Gryffindor’s descendents are in rare stock. The Weasleys are the only ones left.”
Ron fainted. Since he had suddenly become so important, Hermione and Lucius made light conversation until he woke up again, so he didn’t miss anything.
“Why didn’t you just get Percy?” asked Ron. “After all, he’s a Knight of Walpurgis, like you.”
“Oh, Percy’s dead. Didn’t anyone tell you?” questioned Lucius, with interest. Ron shook his head.
“Why didn’t you ask Mafalda then? She’s at least a Slytherin.”
“She’s dead too, stupid,” Lucius told him.
“What about Mum or Dad? They’d do anything for Harry.”
“They’re dead too, doofus,” Lucius told Ron.
“My brothers“” began Ron.
“Dead,” said Lucius. “Every other descendant of Gryffindor has been killed.”
Ron blinked, and, after a moment, burst into pathetic tears.
“You “ stop that pathetic crying!” snapped Lucius. “I had them killed.”
“You “ you “ git!” shouted Ron, in an uncharacteristic moment of wit. Lucius was thrown off for a moment.
“You don’t get it “ I killed them so you’d take the deal, so you could bring them back to life! After all, it would take a lot for you to accept the deal and bring the Dark Lord back, right?”
“We need to talk about this for a moment,” said Hermione. “Excuse us, Minister.”
“Very well, very well,” replied Minister Malfoy, and waved them away. Ron and Hermione walked down the bank and, just to make sure no one could hear them, jumped into the water and swam out to the middle of the dark lake.
“What a git,” said Ron. “I can’t believe Lucius Malfoy killed my entire family.”
“Oh, get over it already, Ron,” snapped Hermione. “I think we should bring them back to life, along with Harry and Voldemort. It’s the only way “ I don’t think we can destroy all the Horcruxes alone.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Ron. “Remember, part of the deal is to bring back that Malfoy git as well.” Hermione bit her lip.
“I know, Ron. It’s a tough call. But we really don’t have a choice. I don’t think we, Dumbledore “ well, the Slughorns, Cedric Diggory who is still alive, and the rest of the surviving side of ‘Good’ can find R.A.B. and defeat all those Horcruxes without Harry’s help.” Ron nodded.
“I agree,” he agreed. “Well, Harry,” added Ron, looking at the sky, “it looks like we’ll bring you back, for the world is entirely and pathetically dependent upon you, my friend.”
“Yeah,” pronounced Hermione, also looking up to the sky, a difficult feat while treading water, “absolutely.”
Way back at the shore, Seamus Finnegan, Gary Thomas, Neville Longbottom, Minister Malfoy, Parvati and Padma Patil, Lavender Brown, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, and Blaise Zabini, the pale-skinned Slytherin girl, gazed out at Ron and Hermione, floating in the middle of the lake.
“I reckon they’ve gone mad,” commented Seamus.
“I wonder what they’re doing?” wondered Neville aloud.
Lavender muttered something and stalked off.
“I reckon a lot of people have gone mad,” Gary agreed with Seamus.
Back in the lake, however, it was clear that there was a big year ahead.
Happy smiled to himself as he took a bite out of his lobster. Ah, yes, life was good.
Harry Potter is now approaching his sixth year at Hogwarts. With only two years to go, some pretty amazing stuff is starting to happen. What is with that huge guy who Dumbledore has insisted on hiring? What on Earth is wrong with Snape? Will any incredibly majorly important characters die during the course of this book?
All these issues and more are confronted in ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Superman’, the next and second last book in JK Rowling’s ingenious ‘Harry Potter’ series.
EDIT: I just wanted to post here to let people know that I now have a post in the Duelling Club thread, in the Great Hall. If you have an account on the beta forums, I encourage you to go and have a look. One of the main reasons I made the thread is because of the many theories included in this this story, such as Percy being a Death Eater, Remus having a brother and the whole issue of the mysterious 'Icicle' character, which are used but not necessarily articulated.
The thread is called 'M_O_M is Taken Down by a Shower of Colourful Sparks'. Happy and I hope to see you there!