A Rift Mended
- Lily wanted to cry along with her, but she couldn't. -
Lily was let out of the Hospital Wing Tuesday afternoon and was more than happy to get back to the bustle of the castle. She didn’t even mind going back to class, as it provided her with great distractions to keep her mind off the conversation she had with her mother. She had been dwelling on nothing else but that. It kept replaying in her mind and each time it made her feel considerably guiltier. She hadn’t heard from her mother since; she doubted that her mother would try contacting her for a while. Lily would have to make the first move. She was too busy catching up with the work she had missed at the moment and didn’t get the chance.
During Transfiguration on Wednesday, as she was copying down notes, she was confronted for the first time by Jacob. He had completed copying his notes and took the vacant seat beside her, as Hermione went on an errand for Professor McGonagall and the professor excused herself to the bathroom.
“How’re you feeling?” he asked.
“Fine,” Lily said shortly, getting sick of people constantly asking her.
“Good,” he said slowly, looking at the notes she was copying. “You know, I really can’t believe you played in the match.”
Lily sighed in disgust and placed her quill down.
“I know you can’t believe that,” she snapped. “Everyone keeps saying that! ‘Oh, Lily, you were in no condition to play’ or ‘you could have been hurt much worse.’ Everyone just doesn’t understand that I wanted to play before I wasn’t able to anymore.”
Jacob raised an eyebrow.
“Please don’t talk like that,” he said. “Don’t think like that, Dumbledore’s bound to find something that-”
“You really don’t understand, do you? I’m not going on a self pity rant; I’m getting used to the fact that this could be the end of my life.”
“Lily… just stop talking like that. You’re not going to die.”
“How do you know that? How does anyone know that? I didn’t want to believe it, but now I’m not denying it. Besides, it’s got to be better than feeling the way I’ve been for weeks.”
“But-”
“Lawrence, back to your seat.”
Jacob looked up and saw that Professor McGonagall had just reentered the room. Getting up, while asking Lily if she would wait for him once class was over, he retreated to the opposite end of the room.
Hermione turned up shortly after and resumed her seat beside Lily. They spent the remainder of the period practising what they had been copying - limb transformation. Professor McGonagall gave each student an animal and they would have to try transfiguring their ears to resemble that of the animal.
Lily had to admit she had a good time trying to get her ears to look like those of a kangaroo. She failed dismally on her first attempt, merely making her ears fuzzy. She earned a laugh from Hermione, who was having just as much trouble getting her ears to become monkey-like. The lesson completely drove every bitter thought out of her mind and for that she was immensely grateful.
After three more tries she had full-fledged kangaroo ears. She was admiring them in the mirror, vaguely wondering if she should let them stick for a while. Professor McGonagall seemed to pick up on what she was thinking and told her that, if she didn’t transfigure them back, then they might become permanent.
The bell rang shortly after and Lily was just about to walk down to the Great Hall when she remembered that she had promised to talk to Jacob. She waited patiently outside the Transfiguration classroom, as Jacob was talking to Terry Boot and Terry didn’t seem to be keen on ending the conversation very soon. Jacob managed to shake him off as they reached the door and joined up with Lily. The two made their way down the hallway quietly.
“So,” said Lily. “I’m guessing you wanted to continue our conversation?”
Much to her surprise, Jacob shook his head.
“No, I just wanted to talk to you,” he said truthfully. “I mean, you had a good time at Hogsmeade, just talking like you do with Harry, Ron and Hermione.”
“Yeah, I did,” Lily agreed, adjusting the strap on her book bag.
“So, let’s talk then,” he said. “Like friends.”
“Okay… so… you’re part Muggle, right?” Jacob nodded. “Listen to any Muggle music?”
“Yeah, it annoys my dad, but I blame my mum for making me like it.”
“What kind do you like?”
“Rock mostly, but I’ll listen to other stuff if I’m forced to.”
“Me too, except rap. You’ll have to beat me unconscious to get me to sit still for that.”
Jacob laughed and nodded his head.
“What’s your favourite band?” he asked.
“The Stones. One of my friends from my old Muggle school thinks I’m crazy for liking them.”
“No, you’re not. They’re pretty good; I’m more of a Beatles fan.”
The conversation carried on until they reached the Great Hall. They went from talking about music to movies. Then they went to the usual wizard topics, such as Quidditch and how they were both horrible Exploding Snap players. They both agreed that Gobstones was their cup of tea, mostly because they found it hilarious when the other person got squirted with the nasty liquid. When they reached the Great Hall they separated, saying they would talk later if they could.
Lily walked over to the Gryffindor table and took her usual seat beside Hermione.
“You’re happy,” Hermione commented, though not looking up from her dinner.
“I guess I am,” said Lily, surprising even herself with her sudden happiness.
“I take it you’ve made up with your mother then?” Harry asked.
This question caught Lily by surprise, as she had not talked with her mother since their arguement in the Hospital Wing. She shook her head and began to become very interested in her dinner.
Her friends exchanged glances and she knew an inquiry was coming.
“Why not?” Hermione asked.
“Because I really don’t have anything to say,” Lily answered, feeling highly bothered by them interrogating her.
“You really shouldn’t have blown up at her like that though.”
“Hermione, when did you become my shrink?”
She hadn’t meant it to come out as harsh as it did, but, in all honesty, she didn’t want to be questioned any further about the situation. She wanted to talk to her when she was ready, and she didn’t know when that would be. After that not one of her friends decided to ask her anymore questions. Once dinner had concluded Harry, Ron and Hermione left the table without even waiting for Lily to finish. This didn’t take Lily by surprise though, she had been rude.
But so what if she was being rude? They had no right to keep badgering her about the fight she was having with her mother. She intended to apologise and that should have been enough. She just did not feel ready to do it yet; she wanted to wait and they would have to accept that. Looking at her friends’ backs, she wondered if she should go after them and apologise for her sharpness. She didn’t think they would listen to her right then, so she stayed in her seat and mulled over her History of Magic notes, though not focusing on what she was reading. She set the notes down on the table and rested her head on the table. She still didn’t feel that great after her accident on the Quidditch field. Every now and then she would feel slightly dizzy. Now was one of those times, so she found herself feeling slightly grateful that her friends had left the table.
Looking across the hall, she could see the Slytherin table and saw Malfoy doing a stunning reenactment of a seizure, grinning broadly as the Slytherin table roared with laughter. They laughed even more when they noticed Lily was watching them. She rolled her eyes in annoyance. How could somebody go as low as to make fun of someone when they had a seizure? It was even crueler when Malfoy started pretending he was falling off of his broom. She really couldn’t stand that kid, but she knew he would get what was coming to him, or at least he would be humiliated. When she saw a baked potato fly from nowhere and hit him square in the face, she couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The hall burst into a torrent of laughter and Lily looked around to find the potato flinger. Looking over towards the Ravenclaw table, she saw Jacob receiving a high five from Terry Boot. Jacob looked towards the Gryffindor table and saw Lily watching him; he smiled widely.
“Thanks,” she mouthed and he nodded proudly.
Nimbus scurried about the room, barking loudly and happily, as Lily sat in the corner smiling at the sight. Her dog had been running about the house like a wolf ever since she went home for Easter Break. It was actually a good change, since the mood in the house hadn’t been the greatest. Lily had not made up with her mother and, because of this; her mother was in a bitter mood. The same could be said for Lily’s mood. The moment she stepped inside the house her mood had taken a rapid descent. In order to avoid any awkward moments or confrontations she holed herself up in her room, taking Nimbus along with her. Nimbus provided good company as he never got bored or too rowdy; he would simply run in circles, chasing his tail joyfully.
Nimbus also was quite the conversationalist; he would listen to anything she had to say and would even respond with the changing tones of his barks. She recounted to him all the events of the past few weeks, starting with her trip to Hogsmeade and ending with the fight she had with Rachael in the Hospital Wing. Although Nimbus couldn’t give her advice like a human could, he at least seemed to understand what she was talking about, and that gave her a little comfort. She was still contemplating on what she could say to her mother, something that could explain her rash talking, but she didn’t know what. She didn’t know what made her act the way she had. She just couldn’t take it anymore; she needed to vent her anger and that was the best way to do it, or it seemed the best at the time. She had achieved nothing from expressing her anger; it only made her mother furious with her.
Nimbus stopped scurrying about the room and skidded to a halt right in front of Lily, who picked him up and placed him in her lap. Stroking him behind the ear, she gazed at the wall across from her. She could just say sorry. She could just say she was in a bad mood, which was the truth after all. She was so frustrated at the moment and she couldn’t help herself, she really couldn’t. If that wasn’t a good enough reason than she would have to lie. Nimbus barked softly as she thought this, as though he was approving of her idea.
Picking him up and facing him towards her she smiled and said, “You give real good advice, you know that?”
Nimbus barked happily. She placed him on the floor and went downstairs. She entered the kitchen and saw her mother supervising the knives as they chopped away at a group of vegetables.
Rachael didn’t look up when her daughter entered the room, she merely muttered, “Dinner’s not ready yet.”
Lily rolled her eyes; it would figure that her mother would assume she only came downstairs to see if she could finally eat something.
“I wasn’t coming down here for that,” Lily replied, keeping her voice even. Rachael didn’t answer, she just waved her wand and the knives replaced themselves back in the rack. She moved on to stirring some soup. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Lily, I’m busy at the moment,” Rachael said simply, though she couldn’t have been less busy if she tried.
Lily couldn’t believe this, here she was trying to make amends with her mother and she wouldn’t even listen to her.
“No you’re not,” Lily snapped. Then, quickly realising that wasn’t the smartest thing to do, she said in a calmer voice, “You’re not busy, you just don’t want to talk.”
“Lily, I’m cooking,” Rachael continued firmly.
“Mum, come off it! You’re always saying you don’t want us to have the relationship you had with grandma and yet you’re doing a very good job of achieving that.”
This got Rachael’s attention. She turned on her daughter and pointing a threatening finger in her face. Lily, however, didn’t flinch once.
“Don’t you dare accuse me of doing that,” Rachael snarled.
“Why not?” asked Lily. “You and grandma never talked when you were in an arguement. We’re in an arguement and we’re not talking. If you don’t want us to end up like that then just listen to me. Please?”
Rachael appeared reluctant at first to give in, but the thought of becoming like her mother made her see different. Setting her wand down on the counter, she took a seat at the kitchen table.
“Thank you,” said Lily gratefully.
“What do you want to talk about?” Rachael questioned, letting her bitterness slide into her voice.
“Look, I really don’t know what to say about how I talked to you the other day. I had no right to say what I did.”
“Of course you had no right to say what you did.”
“I know. I was just frustrated I guess; I had so much anger to let out and you were the first person who I could vent it out on.”
To Lily’s utter surprise, she saw Rachael was smiling reminiscently.
“Remus would do that,” Rachael said thoughtfully. “In our second year he kept his anger bottled up for too long and he ended up beating up Snape because of it.” Lily’s eyes widened in surprise; she could never picture her uncle beating up Snape. He always seemed indifferent to the slime ball. “But you still shouldn’t have said those things,” she added quickly, adopting an authority voice.
“I know I shouldn’t have,” Lily agreed. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” She waited for Rachael to say something, but she was silent for far too long. “I’ll be leaving now.”
She meant it literally. She got up from her chair, grabbed the leash off its hook, called for Nimbus (who came hurrying down the stairs) and left the house. She had apologised, that was her only intention. Yet her mother couldn’t even say anything in response. She knew very well that she had been rude and her mother didn’t deserve the rudeness she had received. She had thought that her mother could forgive her. It was their first real arguement and she wanted to end it as quick as possible. She didn’t seem to be getting to the end of it. If anything, she just made it worse by walking out.
She watched Nimbus run along the path, chasing a dragonfly that had strayed by them. She didn’t know where she was going really; she just needed to escape for a while. She didn’t understand why her mother had bothered making her come home for the Easter break if she didn’t want to hear or give an apology. Lily needed to remain at school so she could study for her upcoming N.E.W.T. Examinations. She couldn’t do that when she was home. She had done everything in her power to persuade her mother to see things her way, but her efforts proved futile when Professor McGonagall turned on her and said it would be a good idea for her to return home. The professor merely explained that it would be good for her to be at home; maybe it would help improve her health. Lily wasn’t stupid, she knew the real reason. Professor McGonagall wanted the two to make amends and figured it would happen if they were stuck together for a week.
The professor’s intentions clearly weren’t working, as Rachael and Lily had barely any conversation, save for the one they just had. The most they would normally say would be good morning, good night, and Rachael asking if her daughter felt okay. Lily merely went through the motions when she talked to her mother; she wasn’t listening and didn’t expect Rachael was either. But then, just then, it looked as though there was a small glimmer of hope for them; it looked as though Rachael might accept her apology, but she didn’t. She didn’t say anything at all after learning that Lily was sincerely sorry.
Shaking her head, she pulled tighter on the leash, as Nimbus was getting too far ahead of her. Directing him to the left, she found that she had aimlessly wandered into the cemetery. The last time she had been here was on the last full moon and she hadn’t stayed that long, which made her feel bad. She walked through the rows and found the grave she was looking for.
“So,” she said, stooping down and picking her dog up. “I assume you would know what to do when you had arguements with her. Just saying sorry doesn’t help very much, does it? Is she one of the kinds of people who like to hold grudges until they hear what they want to hear? The thing of it is that I don’t know what she wants to hear. Does she want to hear some long apology saying that I was wrong in everything I’ve ever said to her? Because I wasn’t wrong in everything I said; Mum’s life wasn’t all bad. She had you. She had Lily and James and Sirius and Peter, even though Peter turned out to be a filthy traitor. He was nice in his day, I guess. I wish someone could just tell me what she wants to hear. I’m sick of the stupid silences and the glares and everything. I get enough of that at school; I don’t need that from my own mother.”
Lily stopped talking; she thought she heard someone behind her. When she turned around, she saw nothing but the vast rows of graves. Shrugging it off, she turned back to the grave and stroked Nimbus on the top of the head.
“I assume that’s what she wants though,” she said miserably. “A long poem or something so she can know I’m really sorry. But I’m no poet, I can’t write beautiful apologies. I can’t even say them. All I can say is sorry and that doesn’t seem to be good enough. I should just let it go… its useless trying.”
Again she heard something behind her, and this time she saw her mother approaching her. Lily wondered if she had heard everything she said. If she did, she could only imagine what Rachael thought of it. Rachael’s face looked quite impassive, which made Lily worry.
“Hi Mum,” she said uncertainly.
“Hullo,” said Rachael quietly, her expression remaining the same. Lily glanced down at the grave again, and noticed her mother watching her.
“Remus gives you advice even now?” she said, though not sarcastically. Lily nodded. “I heard everything you said, if you’re wondering.”
“Did you?” asked Lily nervously. She didn’t know why she was nervous. She hadn’t said anything deliberately offensive, but what she said could be taken the wrong way. She didn’t want that to happen, because then they would never forgive each other.
“I don’t want a long apology,” she said plainly. “I don’t want it to be beautiful; I just want you to mean it.”
“The first time I said it, I meant it and you didn’t say anything.”
Rachael sighed and nodded. “I didn’t know what to think… but I do now. I accept your apology. I really don’t want us to be on bad terms considering the circumstances. You’re my only child, and I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to be mad at you.”
“I don’t want us to be mad either. I’m just frustrated. You know that I’ve accepted what might happen to me, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy with it.” She stood up and looked at her mum. “I just want whatever time I have left with you and my friends to be happy.”
Getting a closer look, Lily noticed her mother seemed to be struggling to keep her tears at bay. Lily only knew what this was doing to her. She did know her mum was having a hard time with it, she didn’t know how hard of a time though.
“I want it to be happy too,” Rachael choked, pulling her daughter into a hug and sobbing into her shoulder. Lily wanted to cry along with her, but she couldn’t. She told herself a long time ago that, if she accepted her fate, then she wouldn’t cry over it. Clearly Rachael had not come to accept this. She said nothing to her weeping mother, but merely patted her on the back, knowing that she could not say everything was going to be okay. She didn’t want to lie.