USER PROFILE
Username: thedarklord666
Location: Behind you
Position: Sitting or standing, if not lying down.
Hair: No
Eyes: Red
Height: More than you
Hobbies: Genocide, plotting, conspiring, tutoring underprivileged children in Parseltongue As A Second Language, shouting ‘IMBECILES!’, performing Unforgivable Curses, painting in oil pastels, ruining Harry Potter’s life.
Favourite Celebrity: Ralph Fiennes
Favourite Food: The best cereal ever, Cruci-Os.
Favourite Catchphrase: Avada Kedavra!
September 22
As I paced back and forth in my study”a rather odd name, as surprisingly little study ever goes on in it, although quite a lot of plotting and conspiring does tend to ensue after I’ve spent some time in there”plotting, conspiring, and stroking my invisible beard (I would never grow a beard; beards are tacky, and they only look good on Salazar Slytherin… did I mention that a certain man whose name starts in ‘D’ and ends in ‘Umbledore’ is a perfect reason not to ever grow a beard?) while trying to find a way to once and for all obliterate Harry Potter and repugnant run-on sentences such as this one, inspiration struck. The inspiration, unfortunately, did not lead to a brilliant, never-fail plan to defeat Potter, and nor was it a brilliant, never-fail plan to cure myself and other similarly afflicted individuals of our bad grammatical habits. (As you could tell from that last sentence, it’s not true that I never care about others. Whoever said I had no concern for others was WRONG. Wrong, I tell you! I-N-C-O-R-R-E-C-T spells wrong!) In any case, the inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning, a bolt of lightning completely unlike Potter’s scar in any way, shape, or form. Because this bolt of lightning was a signal, a signal that spoke out to me, crying out, appealing to the deepest shadowed realms of my soul (or lack thereof.) And its message was, “Lord Voldemort, you should totally start your own blog!”
Well, who was I to deny a bolt of pure inspiration? So I did as it suggested, and as you can see, I started this blog.
Now, before you make all sorts of snide comments about me using Muggle technology (and don’t think I can’t hear you through that computer screen”the Dark Lord sees all, including you, the flabby one in the grey shirt. Stop picking your nose this instant, as that’s a school computer you’re using, and you could spread germs to others. And since I care about others, I really would not want them to get sick just because of you.), allow me to remind you that although computers are a Muggle invention (and I just happen to be extremely well-versed in them because it’s always wise to know our enemies), a blog is really just a modern variant of the common diary. And Dark Lord knows (yes, I know that means ‘I know,’ but it has a deliciously malevolent ring to it) that I am an accomplished diarist. I really put my soul into my writing. Literally. My old school diary, in fact, contained a fragment of my…
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! Don’t answer that question. You won’t be able to answer it, as I am a talented Occlumens and Leglimens, and only I know my own thoughts. But what I meant by my badly-punctuated exclamation of WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! was, why did I come so close to revealing something that quite obviously should never be posted on the internet for any Tom (that’s me), Dick (don’t know any), or Harry (the brat) to read and learn? If you’re a young and impressionable person reading this, I want you to really think about this. Never post personal information that you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to know. Why, wouldn’t it be astonishingly foolish for me to post, “GUESS WHAT? ONE OF MY HORCRUXES IS ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S CHARM BRACELET!” right here on this blog? So, me being the intelligent Ruler Of All Darkness that I am, I would never post something like that. And you should follow that example. That’s my advice for you young and impressionable readers, because I really do care about you. My further advice for you is that all Mudblood scum must die, and that if you want to survive, you should join me. Contact me if you’re interested in this offer. My email address is voldypwns@vmail.co.uk.
Where was I? Ah yes, at my computer desk. In any case, watch this blog for updates. I’ll try to post every day, if possible. Oh, and if you’re a Death Eater, friend me, and then go to my private profile for our schedule of Death Eater meetings for the upcoming year, including the date changes for the Annual October Muggle-Mass-Murdering Spree and the Annual April Spring Frolics, Fashion Show, and Ice Cream Social.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
OOH! FIRST POST!! IN YOUR FACES!
Master, this blog is only one of the many marks of your immeasurable genius.
(Posted by wormtail77)
Subj: Editing
“Absolutely thrilling, master, and I agree about beards. But there are a few slight problems with your writing, and I’d be all too happy to help you correct them.
(Posted by hbpmaster)
RE: Subj: Editing
Severus, consider this an e-Crucio. You’re a faithful servant, but I cannot have you criticizing my writing skill. After all, since when has anyone eagerly read anything you’ve written? And I’m a bit concerned that you would agree with me about beards, as I normally don’t trust your fashion judgement.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
Subj: OMG
u r sooo smrt!!!11!!1!!one!!1!! i cant wait 4 mor!11!1 im thinking i mite hav 2 start a blog 2 it mite even be betr than urs… LOLJKJK!!!1!11!!eleven!!1!
(Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x)
RE: Subj: OMG
Bellatrix, dearest, maybe Severus could help you with your spelling and grammar. He’s been a tad insufferable since he became a PI accredited beta reader.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter
How dare you take all of the credit for my writing? You disgust me!
(Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler)
RE: Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter
Might I remind you, Schmergo my love, that you are a mere Muggle and could therefore be killed extremely easily? You may do well to keep that in mind, poppet. And do your Geometry homework. You have a big test on Unit 1 on Monday, and if you fail, your mother won’t let you write any more fanfiction until you improve your grade. Because I really care about your welfare. That, and I wouldn’t be able to write this blog all by myself.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
September 23
CURRENT MUSIC: “A Day In The Life,” by The Beatles.
Today, I read an interesting article. Or, should I say, “I read the news today, oh boy…” E-Crucios to all who didn’t get that reference. In any case, I read an article about something called Marfan’s Syndrome. Apparently, it’s sometimes caused by inbreeding, and some of the signs of someone who has it are being extremely tall and thin, having unusually long fingers, weird eyes… it sounds ghastly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone to whom that description applies, so it must be a rare affliction. The name sounds familiar, though. It sounds a bit like ‘Morfin,’ which I’m sure I’ve heard before, but I just can’t remember where. Maybe I’m thinking of the ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers…’ which I’ve never seen, although the pink power ranger was not bad to look at. A certain servant of mine, whose name I will not mention, but it rhymes with “Snake Foe Foul Boy,” was completely obsessed with that show, and he himself preferred the yellow power ranger.
This is a very short entry, but the main reason why I am writing this is to make the point that, although when it comes to my busy life, this is a slow news day (although I’m sure you would like a detailed account of my trip to the spa, especially you, x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x, I’m afraid there are some things I simply cannot disclose), I am one who always sticks to his promises. And I promised that I would post an entry every day. I also promised that I would destroy Harry Potter. Plus, wormtail77 promised that he would get me one of those great drinks from Jamba Juice (which he did, and it was tasty), and hbpmaster promised that he would beta Schmerg_The_Impaler’s fanfictions for her (and he did; this is one of the fine fruits of his efforts, although he failed to edit this badly-written sentence), and x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x promised that she would change her username from something other than mrsvoldemort, being a married woman and all (and she did, although her current username is hardly better). So, really, we’re all men of our word, except for x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x, who is, in fact, a woman.
RANDOM THING OF THE DAY NOT TO TRY AT HOME, KIDS: I made quite an unusual scientific discovery today in my study. If one duct-tapes the handle of a toaster down so that it doesn’t pop up, then places a strawberry pop tart into it (and it has to be strawberry; I tried it with other flavours, and they really don’t work), after some time, three-foot blue flame will shoot out, the tart will be launched into the air (immediately transformed into a Flaming Pastry Of Doom), and the toaster will explode in quite a dramatic and moderately awesome manner. This is extremely interesting, I think, because think how useful this could be in fighting that pathetic Order of the Phoenix. You could place a toaster set up like this under each of their chairs while they’re having a meeting, and BOOM! The whole Order will go up in smoke. Literally. But unlike their titular phoenix, they will NOT be resurrected. Because they’re too goody-goody to make horcruxes, haha!
MEMO TO SELF: Get a better evil laugh than ‘haha.’ Suggestions are welcome in the ‘comments’ section.
COMMENTS:
SUBJ: YAAAAAY!
W00t! First post again!
Phantasmagorical, master! I’m so glad you enjoyed the Jamba Juice. And might I suggest for an evil laugh the classic, “hehehehehe?”
(Posted by wormtail 77)
SUBJ: Snake Foe Foul Boy
I liked your blog, my lord, but one part really confused me. Who was this mysterious (and attractive sounding) Snake Foe Foul Boy who shared my interest in the yellow Power Ranger? I must know!
(Posted by prettynpureblood)
RE: SUBJ: Snake Foe Foul Boy
Ask your father. I’m sure he’d know. By the way, that’s a truly repulsive username,
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: Beatles
I never did like the Beatles. I personally prefer more current music myself. Nothing beats those bling-bedecked rappers with their fancy canes so similar to mine. I often enjoy having break-dancing contests with my son, if he’s not too busy watching that television show, the one with the girl in yellow spandex of whom he’s so fond.
(Posted by daddylusciouslocks)
RE: SUBJ: Beatles
Hmm. Apparently bad taste in pop culture and usernames are hereditary.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: married woman
:-(
(Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x)
Re: SUBJ: married woman
If you think I can be swayed by a frowny face, then you obviously don’t know me as well as you thought you did. Sorry, but I’m a free agent, and I’m not ever going to have a girlfriend, especially one who is married to someone else. I might encourage mass-murder and prejudice, but there are some things that I really can’t tolerate, and there are some ethics I simply must follow. And that’s one of them. Another one is to never wear white shoes after Labour Day.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: Disgruntled ghostwriter writes again
I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that plagiarism is lame, and that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
(Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler)
Re: Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter writes again
Don’t get all uptight on me. I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition or anything.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: (I don't own Harry Potter, and I certainly don't own Voldemort, although I do own his blog. Nor do I own the Beatles, Jamba Juice, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Monty Python, to which I make references and all of which I love. I don't own Power Rangers, either, and but I didn't mention them in the previous sentence because I don't love them. Oh yeah, and Cruci-Os are a bit of a Hufflepuff joke from the Beta forums. They're not my creation, I'm afraid.)