September 24
A Brief Catalogue of Selected Imbeciles (aka, My Semi-Annual Hit List Top 10)
1. Harry Potter (Big surprise here…) Because he’s a stupid brat who’s incredibly untalented at dying (he just can’t seem to get the hang of it), and he thinks he’s better than me. Plus, his hair REALLY BOTHERS ME. Hasn’t he ever heard of a comb?
2. Josh Groban. Because he has such a really magnificent voice and it makes me get an inferiority complex every time I listen to him. And this is dangerous, because I should know by now that I’m superior to everyone, INCLUDING Josh Stinkin’ Groban. Not to mention that hearing him sing “You Raise Me Up” brings tears to my eyes, and that’s probably bad for my image.
3. Ronald Weasley. Because he’s a pathetic, sniveling sidekick to Harry Potter, and he gets all of the good lines.
4. All the other Weasleys. Because they’re Muggle-loving scum, and they produced the above imbecile.
5. The lady in the Head-On commercial. Seriously, she bothers me! Like, if I put this stuff on my head, all of my troubles will go away, AND I’ll get to look incredibly stupid at the same time? That’s just too good to be true.
6. Hermione Granger. Because she has hair so voluminous, she probably has twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare up there, and I’m bald. I know that bald is beautiful, but I can’t help but get jealous of her hair. Also, she has such an obnoxious shrill voice, and she hangs around with Potter and Company.
7. The blue power ranger. I think his name is Billy. Seriously, how can a nerdy, glasses-wearing bloke like him become a POWER RANGER?!?! I’D be a better Power Ranger! WORMTAIL would be a better Power Ranger! And also… how come the nerdy blue power ranger managed to land Kimberly, the incredibly attractive pink power ranger? Unfair much?
8. Schmergo. The brat thinks she’s so great just because she writes fanfiction. Well la-de-da, isn’t that special. SO DO STINKIN’ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE! I bet even the blue power ranger writes fanfiction!
9. Whoever invented reinforcements. You know, those evil little circles that you put on looseleaf paper when the little holes rip through. I just can’t get reinforcements to work properly; I always end up ripping the paper because the reinforcements get stuck to my fingers, and then I have to start all over again! AAAAARGH!
10. Dumbledore. Oh wait, haha. Silly me. It’s so hard to keep track of who I’ve killed these days… you know how it is.
And now, to compare and contrast with that list, here is A Brief Catalogue of Selected Death Eaters:
1. Peter Pettigrew. Why is he number one? Because he’s my right hand man. Literally! Like, seriously, he chopped off his own hand for me… wow, I crack myself up. Plus, he lives near Jamba Juice, so he always brings me some. But his total lack of hygiene habits and total excess of tooth are a tad distracting, so I tend to lose my appetite when I look at him.
2. Lucius Malfoy. I don’t even know what he’s doing as a Death Eater, since he’s rich, snobby, and good-looking. Almost none of the Death Eaters are good-looking, which is probably why they’ve all turned to a life of crime. Lucius also has impeccable fashion sense, and he designed all of our snazzy Death Eater uniforms. They’re deliciously ominous-looking. However, I’m always a tad nervous that Lucius wants to create his own sinister organization, because he’s really not very talented at sucking up to me. The way he ends every word he says with ‘izzle’ is also a smidge confusing to decipher.
3. Severus Snape. That man may have a face about as attractive as a jury duty notice, but he’s a good servant. Intelligent, too, which helps-- it’s always nice to have someone to slave away coming up with brilliant ideas for which you can later take all of the credit. (What can I say, I’m evil. It’s part of my job.) Snape also has some pretty witty comments to make about Harry Potter, which I truly appreciate. And I bet there’s absolutely no chance that he’s secretly a double-double agent who is spying on me for the Order. That would just be unfeasible!
4. Bellatrix Lestrange: One of the few Death Eater females (who has suggested that we change our name to Death Nibblers so as not to imply gluttony), she can be rather overzealous… not that that’s a bad thing or anything! I appreciate her grape-feeding skills. Keep the grapes coming, Bella. She also has a lot to say on the subject of torture-- it just makes her eyes light right up, and she goes all smiley and dreamy just talking about the Cruciatus Curse. Lovely girl, and extremely loyal… to me, that is. I can’t say the same thing about her attitude toward her husband.
5. Rodolphus Lestrange: He’s a good servant, I guess. But really, he lets his wife push him around like he’s a watermelon in a shopping cart. One would almost think she has him under the Imperius curse. But that would be unfeasible!
6. Fenrir Greyback: Great servant. Terrible dinner guest.
7. Draco Malfoy: He’s very young and quite new to the organization (Fresh blood, as Fenrir would say), so he’s a little bit different from most of my servants. For instance, he wears a bit more spandex than most and seems to think that sneering should be made an Olympic sport. Not that I’m bitter or anything due to my lack of lips. But really, sneering has never really been an effective method of torture, unless you’re trying to torture a weenie-tot like Potter. Of course, just say a ‘yer mum’ joke to Potter, and he’ll collapse onto the ground howling in agony about how his mother is dead… lame to the third power.
8. Pyrites: Not much to say about him. JK Rowling wrote him out after the earliest drafts of “Philosopher’s Stone.” Pity, he was quite useful while he lasted.
9. Crabbe and Goyle: I’m counting them as one person because they can almost complete the thought process if they work together and rub their one brain cell each together. Brute force is always nice, though, which is why I keep them around.
10. Josh Groban: Wait, never mind. He quit ages ago.
Comments:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
First post again! Master, I don’t quite follow what you were saying about me. I suppose I’ll take it as a compliment.
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: No, dawg.
Master, I would NEVER EVER start another sinister organization! Just because I have impeccable fashion taste and good looks, I would never succeed at taking over London by storm, especially not up against you!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
Re: Subj: No dawg.
Lucius, I said before that you’re no good at sucking up, and it still rings true.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: lolz
yay!!!!!1!!!1!!1one!!11! u talkd about me in ur blog!1!!!!! And yea teh crucios r soooo fun!!1!!!!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
Subj: In regards to Fenrir Greyback
Hello, my name is Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt, and I am Fenrir Greyback’s personal secretary and a close friend of his. And I would like to say that he’s really not all that bad. I’m not just saying this because he’s currently threatening to devour me, either.
--Posted by rab411
Subj: Crabbe and Goyle
This is me, Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt again, and I am also Crabbe Sr. and Goyle Sr.’s personal secretary. As they are incapable of using a computer properly, I’ve been asked to give you this message from them: “I think I would be mad at you if I could understand what you were saying about me.”
--Posted by rab411
Re: Subj: Crabbe and Goyle:
You need to get a better job.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Evil laugh
Might I suggest muhahaha? or the more classical bwahahaha?
--Posted by hermy_loves_ron (from MNFF)
Re: Subj: Evil laugh
Thank you very much, but I have to say, I’ve already chosen an evil laugh. You may have heard it in PotterPuppetPals… “Ahahahahaha! Hogwarts is mine!”
Subj: Wow
I just stumbled across your blog, and I can’t begin to tell you how interesting I find it. Keep up the good work!
--Posted by blondeD
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: I don't own Harry Potter. Believe me, if I did, book 7 would mysteriously include a character named Schmergo. Also Voldemort would be defeated by tripping over Ron's foot and getting a concussion where he lost all of his memory, and Luna would save everyone riding to the rescue on a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.