Sept 25
You know what I just hate? When a day that was shaping up to be really quite marvelous goes truly and utterly awful! Kind of like that soy-milk cappuccino that tasted fabulous at first, but after I left it on my porch for three weeks, it tasted really bad. I still haven’t figured out why. But that’s not the point.
Today started out great. I sprung out of bed singing (this may have something to do with all of the soy-milk cappuccinos I drank. But that’s not the point. Besides, the song was “Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd, so I can’t say it was entirely cheerful), got dressed (because evil needs no shower), and waltzed downstairs. The first thing I noticed was the pink polo shirt I’d dropped off at the dry cleaners’ the day that I was vanquished and ripped from my body sixteen years ago… IT WAS FINALLY RETURNED! And they’d gotten all of the blood and ketchup stains out! (What? I wore it to the Annual October Death Eater Barbeque and Mass-Murdering Spree!) Then, I prepared myself a tasty pop-tart breakfast, destroying a toaster in the process (because I believe in doing at least six destructive things before breakfast), and plopped myself down on my La-Z-Wizard to watch the Pokemon Marathon on television. (As a side note, it reminds me of a joke I once heard: Why should you never take a shower with Pokemon? Because they Peek-at-chu! Curiously enough, the boy who told me this joke is now deceased. This is not a coincidence.)
In any case, I was having a great time. Then the mail came. And I’m sorry to say that I got a letter that really did not make me happy at all. This is what it said:
DEAR LORD MOULDY-SHORTS,
Yeah, that’s right, I called you Lord Mouldy-Shorts! And guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it, because you don’t know who I am! HAHAHA! In any case, I found something of yours that was rather pretty. It’s a cup, and it has the Hufflepuff crest on it. It was so pretty that I’m sorry to have completely crushed it to smithereens and destroyed your precious horcrux. Yep, I know it was a horcrux. Same goes for that locket thing-- did I forget to mention, I got rid of that too. I thought it was about time I mentioned that. I would like to add that furthermore, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. That is all.
Not really all that sincerely,
R.A.B.
R.A.B.! Who the blazes might that be? What kind of impudent little lump of slime mold would write such a truly insulting letter to me? And how did he know about my horc… h… *HAPPY THINGS*? Naturally, I compiled a list at once of every R.A.B. that I know, and here’s what I got:
1. Rashid Antoine “Stubby” Boardman: I beat him in “Battle of the Bands” in seventh year with my band, Tom and The Riddles. He’s been jealous of me ever since.
2. Ruth Ashley Borgin: Yes, his name is Ruth Ashley. That’s why his first name was never mentioned in canon-- he was embarrassed of it. His parents wanted a girl. In any case, I used to work for him when I was younger, and he’s probably upset that he never got Hepzibah Smith’s precious treasures from me.
3. Regulus Arcturus Black: I had him killed years ago. Of course, there’s the chance that the assassin failed and old Reggie is still alive. But that would be unfeasible! I only put him on this list because of the hundreds of people who sent me emails insisting that Regulus be included.
4. Really Ancient Bloke: I don’t know, but there are lots of those around.
5. Rhythm and Blues: No idea, it just came to mind.
6. Ralph “Angioplasty” Bagman: Ludo’s brother; my lawyer. He’s hated me ever since he lost his job for finding absolutely nothing he could say to defend me.
7. Rabastan Lestrange: Rodolphus’s brother; we call him Rab for short. But he’s a complete idiot, so I seriously doubt that he has anything to do with this.
8. Relax and Breathe: My yoga studio. I got kicked out for murdering people when they were meditating. But I couldn’t help it! Their eyes were closed, and they were sitting so still… I simply couldn’t resist!
9. Rosy Ann Basilisk: Words could not convey the misery that would ensue if my own basilisk was behind all of this. How could she betray me, after all I’ve done for her, and all of the lovely students I’ve fed her? I hope it’s not Rosy.
10. Robert Andrew Bryant: My dentist. Who knows what happens under the influence of Novocain? I certainly hope I didn’t accidentally reveal the locations of my horcru… *HAPPY THINGS*.
11. Red and Blue (Power Rangers): I wouldn’t put it past them, the stinkers.
12. Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt: After all, his username is rab411. But I’ve never even met the guy. If R.A.B. is him, then I ate your pet flying pig for dinner last night.
13. Rutger Aloysius Blossombottom: Josh Groban’s secret identity.
14. Rather Annoying Boy: Naturally, Harry Potter.
15. A rabbi?
16. A rabbit?
Well, R.A.B., you’d better watch out, because I am going to get you, so I will. And I’m keeping a very close watch on my remaining two… *HAPPY THINGS*
But now my day is completely ruined, and to make matters worse, I think I’m beginning to get an ingrown toenail. Blast, if I have to pay Lucius for another pedicure, I’m going to scream.
Blast.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
I always post first, because I’m the most loyal servant! But R.A.B. is not, because he’s bad! Ew, R.A.B.! Nasty! He’s so mean!
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
Great, now I’ll never be able to look Borgin in the eye again.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Re: Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
And I’ll never be able to look Rosy in the eye again. Of course, that has nothing to do with her being on my R.A.B. list and everything to do with the fact that she’s a basilisk.
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: ongzz!!
zomg ok well rab is soooo dum i mean com on wat is his problem u no?!?1?!??!11!? yea but i remember that pink shirt cos i gave it to u for xmas that 1 time!!!11!?!?!?
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
Re: Subj: ongzz!!
You gave me the pink shirt? You mean the one from Hollister? I could have sworn my Great Auntie Mavis gave it to me for my fortieth birthday, the same birthday when I got the B-52s to perform for me! But then, that night is hazy in my memory anyway.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Aww
Oh, you poor dear! I feel so sorry for you-- you’ve had a really rough day. If you need an outlet for your stress, you can always take up ballet lessons, or go puppy stomping or something, whatever makes you happy. Keep writing-- your life is so fascinating!
--Posted by blondeD
Re: Subj: Aww
Who are you? And where’s the nearest puppy stomping party?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Me?
I am frankly insulted that you would even suggest that I am R.A.B. Do you honestly think that the meanest name I’m capable of thinking up is Mouldy-Shorts? Now I’m sad.
--Posted by rab411.
Subj: On Rosy’s Behalf
This is me, Nagini, using the BabelFish translation system to translate this message from Parseltongue. Listen, Volders, you’ve had some truly brilliant ideas (like the invention of the Nehru jacket) but Rosy-Ann Fluffy Slyther the Basilisk is definitely not R.A.B. She is the sweetest, kindest snakeling ever. She’s just misunderstood due to her hunger for human flesh and her tendency to kill people just by looking at them. But she’s got a family of eight (they live in the toilets in the boys’ restroom), and she’s a really lovely basilisk once you get to know her. We’ve had many conversations over tea, and we’ve really had some great female bonding opportunities. And Rosy loves you, Voldykins. She would never betray you, though she does wonder why you never wear that cloak she crocheted you out of her shed skin. It’s really becoming.
--Posted by sparklediva00
Re: Subj: On Rosy’s Behalf
Nagini, I am frankly terrified that you can use a computer. And now I’m beginning to wonder if the delivery of a pink Cadillac and the Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits CD shipped from eBay weren’t really a freak mix-up. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Sept 26
And now, my friends (or, to use a better word, minions), it is time to take a trip to the Department of Backstory. So many of you faithful readers have asked why I have such little interest in romance. Well, I could give you a short answer or long one, so I’ll give you both. The short answer is, I have a birth defect-- not a physical deformity, but a deficiency of love. But I wasn’t born without hormones, so that’s what caused the long answer scenario to happen.
So what’s the long answer? Well, picture me, sweet sixteen. I had a nose then, and hair, and actually, I was quite the Slytherin stud. Yes, I had it all-- brains, looks, teachers eating out of the palm of my hand, loyal followers, and adults never suspected a thing about the evil plans I was concocting. But there was one thing that I didn’t have-- there was a girl in my year who was absolutely stunning. She was beautiful, intelligent, Scottish… what more could a boy ask for? She was as tall as a five-foot-seven inch tree, her flowing black locks glistened like nose hair after a sneeze, her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the middle, and she caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Her name was Minerva McGonagall.
Well, I got it into my little adolescent head that I wanted Minnie (as I called her) to go to the Valentine’s Day Ball with me (I didn’t want to look stupid dancing on my own or anything), so one day, I stood on top of the Slytherin table at breakfast and serenaded her with a beautiful ballad:
“My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that I’m sure
She smiled at me in the hallway
She was with another man
But I’ve been plotting all night long
And I’ve got a plan!
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could dance with you!”
Well, I though it was a good song, (of course, I didn't write it all on my own; I stole a lot of it from James Blunt) but Minnie informed me in front of the whole school that my voice sounded like a cat with its tail caught in a door hinge, and that furthermore, she found it creepy the way I always wore eyeliner. The next day, I received a howler that sang a song to me in what sounded suspiciously like Minnie’s voice, singing a tune that sounded suspiciously like my own. But the words were different:
“My life is brilliant
Your life’s a joke
You’re just pathetic
You’re always broke
Your homemade Star Trek uniform
Really ain’t impressing me
You’re suffering from delusions of adequacy!
You’re pitiful, you’re pitiful, you’re pitiful, it’s true.
Never had a date
And I wouldn’t wait--
‘Cause you smell repulsive,too
I will never dance with you.”
Well, as you can imagine, it was a tad bit embarrassing, especially since Minnie had spent seven years training with the Scottish Opera Company. And from that day on, I’ve never attempted to ask anyone out again. EVER! And I don’t plan to ever again.
COMMENTS:
Subj: WHAT?!?!?!
omg wut do u mean u wont go out w/ any1!>??,!1?!? minreva mcgonnigle is sooooo [CENSORED] she is such a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] her [CENSORED] is lyk so [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] SHE IS THE BIGGEST [CEEEEENNNNNSOOOOORRRRREEEEDDD] EVAH!!1!!!11!!eleven!~!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_
Re: Subj: WHAT?!?!?!
Now, now, Bella. It’s one thing to glorify murder and senseless violence, but when it comes to language, I want this blog to be a family-appropriate community. The only cursing I want to see is Crucios and Avada Kedavras.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Noooooo!
How can this be? I wasn’t the first post! Bella beat me! I’m… I’m so upset! I have to go drown my sorrows in a cheese-flavoured latte!
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: Plagiarism
I hope you’re letting people know that you didn’t actually write that song you sang to Minnie. That’s by James Blunt. And Minnie’s version is a tweaked version of something by Weird Al Yankovic.
--Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Subj: You wore eyeliner?
You really wore eyeliner when you went to school? I knew I wasn’t the only one! I knew that somewhere… out there… there must be…
--Posted by prettynpureblood.
Subj: You’re kidding me
Draco, I just read your post. I thought I told you that you weren’t allowed to wear the eyeliner, because Malfoy men are real men, not eyeliner-wearing sissies! You’re grounded, young man, and no computer for a month. AND NO SINGING!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
Subj: That’s so unfair!
You’re so mean, Dad! You don’t understand me!
--Posted by prettynpureblood
Subj: Gosh, guys
Get your own blog. People are here to read about me. Who cares about you servants?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Minerva McGonagall?
Master, not to offend you, but your taste in girls when you were young left something to be desired.
--Posted by hbpmaster.
Subj: That’s too bad
I’m really sorry to hear that you don’t date. Sometimes, we find that it’s better to put the past behind us, the mistakes we made then, behind us and move on. You never know until you try.
--Posted by blondeD.
Re: Subj: That’s too bad.
WHO. ARE. YOU?!?! Do I have to go all Alice-In-Wonderland-Freaky-Caterpillar-Thing on you?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry, but Voldy's not taking any more questions. I'm getting ready to submit Chapter Four, and I can't have more questions. There were so many good ones, though!)
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: (Hello, readers. Guess what? I don't own Harry Potter! I also don't own the songs that are used in this chapter-- "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and "You're Pitiful" by Weird Al Yankovic. I did tweak them slightly, so if you don't recognize the lyrics, that's why. I also don't own Pink Floyd, Josh Groban, or Alice in Wonderland.)
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