Sept 27th
This entry of my blog is a highly unique one. I am answering selected questions posed by various admirers, minions, and even mortal enemies. If you fit into any of the three aforementioned groups and asked me a question that I haven’t answered, then I had a good reason for it. Those good reasons include, but are not limited to, the following: Your question was lame/required a masters’ degree in physics to answer/would cause embarrassment if I answered/not family appropriate/so family appropriate that it was boring/ my entry was already too long and I couldn’t include more questions/I was just too lazy to answer. If none of those applied, then you’re probably a mudblood and don’t deserve to have your question answered.
And now, on with the questions.
Posted by _Dumbledore’s Girl_ from MNFF: What is your fav kind of pop tart? And the question we've all been dying to know... boxers or briefs? Lol I'm weird!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I’ll agree to the last statement. Well, well, well, let‘s see... My favourite kind of pop-tart would have to be strawberry Kellog’s, the frosted kind with the nice little sprinkles on top. Not only are they amazingly tasty, but they also are highly effective for blowing up toasters. (The unfrosted kind works, too, but the frosted kind taste better, and that light pink glaze just makes my mouth water.)
And the answer to your second question?
Neither.
No further comments.
Posted by dogluver from MNFF: i will ask u a question. or if u put it "questionS" ha!! the only diiff is the S!!! o yeah, the q's, (they r both random!!!) weeelll, who do u think draco inspandex malfoy loves more, the yellow power ranger or himself??? aaaanndddd, does santa claus exist?? do u dress up like him around christmas time???? pretty please answer that.
The Dark Lord’s Reply: How can you use punctuation marks as liberally as you do when there are people starving in China? But in any case, I will answer your “questionS” as they are highly imaginative and mildly disturbing-- a combination I’ve always enjoyed myself.
Draco “Inspandex” Malfoy… I’m now quite sure that I’ll never be able to think of him as anything else. I can just see it written on his future business cards. So who does Spandex Man love more, the yellow power ranger or himself? Well, truth be told, I think the lad truly believes that he IS the yellow power ranger.
Does Santa Claus exist? He once did…
What? Don’t get mad at me! I NEEDED the North Pole for my evil power base! The Claus-ster was putting up too much of a fight; he wouldn’t desert it quietly! I HAD to take it by force-- I had no other choice! And besides, those elves make excellent henchpeople.
I think that’s also a satisfactory answer to your third question.
Posted by totally obsessed from MNFF: the two questions that everyone wants to know: a) white milk, or dark chocolate (and a side version of this: vanilla or chocolate ice cream?). b) what type of music does he listen to? (lame, i know, but i can completely imagine dear old voldy listening to bach, mozart, beethoven when he's thinking up a master evil plan!)
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I am appalled. How could you discriminate between different colored milks like that? That is called ‘prejudice‘. I may have a large and extremely malevolent organization devoted solely to killing off what I believe is the weaker race, but at least I’m not a milk racist. However, you, madamoiselle, are a milk racist, and you will take that horrific title to the grave.
But although you are a milk racist, I’ll answer your second question. I’m not a huge fan of classical music, because it’s rather hard to play air guitar on a snake when your massive ghetto-blaster stereo is pumping out “Bach’s Greatest Hits.” No, it’s much more fun to play snakey-air-guitar to classic rock by Pink Floyd, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, David Bowie… I’m a rock junkie, and I also love Broadway musicals, especially “The Phantom of the Opera,” “Spamalot,” and “Wicked.” In case you were curious, I sing First Soprano.
I don’t care for rap or hip-hop, though. To me, it sounds like (in the wise words of humour writer Dave Barry) a bunch of angry men screaming because the guy who was supposed to bring the melody forgot to come. I must also confess that Lucius Malfoy (stage name: Daddy Luscious) has somewhat spoiled the genre of hip-hop for me. If I have to hear him perform one more rendition of the less family-appropriate songs by the Black Eyed Peas, I swear I am going to start having seizures.
I’ve been asked on numerous occasions if I like the Spice Girls. I do not. Because Scary Spice isn’t really scary (and gives antagonists everywhere a bad name), Ginger Spice reminds me of the Weasleys (good thing Ginger quit the Spice Girls when she did), Posh Spice reminds me of how my relatives were poor (THE SHAME!), Baby Spice reminds me of how I was once defeated by an infant (THE SHAME!!), and Sporty Spice reminds me of how the Gryffindors beat the Slytherins 5,679,833.2 to 0 in my one and only game as a Keeper back when I was in school. (THE SHAME!!!)
And one more singer I admire. I know every song performed by Josh Groban. Even the ones he sang in his Kingergarten choir. Enough said.
Posted by SIRIUS WILL NOT DIE from MNFF: Volders, honey? Do you need a hug?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: NOT YOU, TOO! No, I do not need a hug! I’m fine! The Dark Lord needs no one. Why do girls always love a man who’s hard to get? It may be because all girls are evil, but if that’s the case, then why are there so few female Death Eaters?
Posted by James Jameson from MNFF: Question for Voldy Dearest. Have you ever come over any bumps and bruises while plotting against anyone? Ever debate on whether or not to do a murder painfully, or quickly?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: E-crucios to thee-crucios. (Sorry, Lucius is standing behind me and his rapping is rubbing off on me.) I don’t even let Bellatrix call me ‘Voldy Dearest‘, and are you my most loyal servant? I think not. In fact, you’ve probably never eaten death in your life! When people address me as ‘Voldy Dearest,’ horrible things tend to happen, including, but not limited to: global warming, bad hair days, spontaneous combustion of people and/or toasters, the arrival of those horrid little flies that are always getting in your nose, you getting disemboweled and having your intestines strung up around your house like Christmas lights, and THIS: http://www.rathergood.com/bananas/.
But passing over the hideous nicknames (at least you didn’t call me Smolderin’ Volders), I have, in fact, injured myself while at work. After all, being the Dark Lord is a dangerous job, but someone’s got to do it. Some of my more noteworthy injuries were… well, I don’t want this to get TOO violent, so I’ll just say that like a certain singer, I once had a nose. But unlike that singer, mine was not surgically removed. It was much worse, and may have involved bloodthirsty lobsters. Another time I got hurt was at the karaoke bar that one time, but I don’t talk about that one, either. Oh yeah… and there was that one wacky time when I tried to kill Harry Potter, but was ripped from my body and reduced to less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost! Hahahahaha NO.
As to your second question, I will confess that that has long been an issue of much internal struggle for me. It’s much more efficient to knock someone’s block off with a simple “Avada Kedavra,” but it’s more challenging and entertaining to watch your victim die a long, slow death-- and I admit, I have made the wrong choice more than once before. For instance, on the night I was resurrected, I dueled with Harry Potter, thinking it would just be a good laugh for my audience of Death Eaters-- but in an extremely unfortunate series of events, the brat managed to escape. Sigh. That’s why lately, I stick to the Avada Kedavra. Of course, this could cause some problems; one of the major paradoxes of Evil Overlord-ism is to that if you execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious, you will inevitably find yourself at some subsequent point shouting, "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" (Note: I learned this from www.eviloverlord.com. This is a very real website with a very real list of rules for evil overlords, and I suggest you check it out.)
Posted by some_kinda_superstar from MNFF: Ok, here's a question for Voldy: What would be your advice to any young, aspiring evil-doers?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: My advice is that if you are an aspiring evil-doer, instead of risking it out on your own, join me. It’s fun, profitable, there’s great camaraderie, loads of murder, we have very flattering uniforms (come on, who DOESN’T love a man in Death Eater robes?), the refreshments are lovely (contrary to the name, we do not only eat death), and it doesn’t really hurt. Much. Except getting the Dark Mark permanently burned into your flesh twinges a bit. And the Crucios (e- or otherwise) are pretty bad. And… if I am especially bored and want you to lie down so I can stick forks into your eyes… well, I’ve been told that’s not the most fun activity imaginable. But join the Death Eaters anyway! It’s the fraternity of your dreams! (Although we don’t often have toga parties.)
Posted by M0jojojo from MNFF: Voldemort, u r absolutely insane, do u kw that?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Why, yes. Yes, I do kay-doubleyew that. And if you really are Mojojojo, don’t even think you’re superior to me in the art of evil villainy. Salazar Slytherin is the only really great bad guy with a monkey face.
Posted by Grimmrook from MNFF: Hello Mr. Voldemort Sir. In the stories I'm currently writing, you're already dead (sorry about that), and one of the themes we explore is the idea that you may not have grown up to be such a ruthless killer had you only had a decent childhood. I was wondering what your thoughts on this were. Also, (sigh) my girlfriend wants to know: boxers or briefs?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: BOXERS OR BRIEFS?! Why on earth does everyone want to know that question? If you really must know, please see the very first question I answered. I specifically stated ‘no further questions’ in that entry.
I’m deceased in your stories? And you call yourself a writer? The impudence! I am immortal, and I will retain this immortality for the rest of my infinite life! Wow, the last sentence made absolutely no sense, even to me. In any case, I’m afraid that your fanfictions are completely inaccurate, and should probably be burned. And no, I don’t care if they’re only on your computer. Burn the hard drive. But… at least you apologized for killing me off. Instead of killing you, I’ll instead ask you exactly how you went about murdering me, and I’ll use that technique on the next person who irks me.
As for your philosophical and thought-provoking question, I find your findings to be, once again, inaccurate. I had a lovely childhood. Lots of rabbits to kill, lots of children to lure into caves, lots of toasters exploded and eyeliner applied… it was a fantastic life.
Posted by AurorGirl101 from MNFF: Question for our dear Lord Mouldy Shorts: Why don't you just e-Crucio R.A.B? DUH!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Because I don’t know who R.A.B. is yet! DUH!
Posted by crazyhpgirl from MNFF: What prompted you to go for the whole snakey, nasty, BALD look? It's not very endearing to the people whom you wish to rule (or kill, whatever tickles your fancy).
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What prompted your momma to have you? That wasn’t very endearing, either. Four syllables, crazyhpgirl-- Eek. Roose. Ee. Oh. Put the syllables together, dear.
SCHMERG_THE_IMPALER’S REPLY: I am incredibly sorry about Voldypoo, crazyhpgirl. He’s very sensitive about his appearance. Please don’t listen to him.
Posted by just_the_contrary from MNFF: What is your favourite Halloween pastime? Do you enjoy scaring children or going on murderous rampages? Or do you prefer the more subtle method of poisoning candy bars or chasing them in the dark?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What a lovely and timely question! Remind me to come to your place next time I’m recruiting new Death Eaters. I often find it amusing to slump over a lawn chair, pretending to be a scarecrow, and to hold a bowl of treats labeled “Take One.” Invariably, someone will take more than one, and I will leap out of the chair and violently accost that unfortunate child! Ha ha! What a scream! It’s also fun to put razor blades in apples and poisonous powder in the Pixie Sticks. One Halloween, I entertained myself by murdering the Potters (though that ended rather badly.) But the best method of Halloween torture, worse than any of the ones I mentioned, is to give out healthy treats like apples and raisins. You should see the children cry. It’s more effective than the Cruciatus Curse any day.
Posted by prettynpureblood: When will you return my set of DVDs of the first five seasons of Power Rangers?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I’ve told you a million times, Draco! When I’m good and ready! (Except for the ‘good’ part. I’ll NEVER be good!)
Posted by Hedwig with a quill from MNFF: How would you react if you found out I was R.A.B and hiding under the username Hedwig with a quill?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: With six syllable. Av. Odd. Uck. Ed. Av. Rah. Sound it out.
You’re not really R.A.B., though, are you? You probably aren’t-- if you were R.A.B., you wouldn’t come right out and suggest that you are. UNLESS! You’re very clever and are messing with my mind by trying to convince me that you’re not R.A.B., when you really are. But! You know that I’m intelligent enough to see through this thinly veiled plot, and that you really are not R.A.B.! So, clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of me! Wait… wrong monologue of twisted logic.
Posted by Hpwizzzard from MNFF: Please ask our dear Dark Lord if he has ever thought of starting a chain of department stores called Volde-mart.
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What a splendid idea! I think I’ll steal it and not give you any credit whatsoever! Just like the bloke from Mugglenet who took this picture! http://www4.mugglenet.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=1649&pos=7 (This is incredibly random, but if you type ‘Mugglenet’ all in lowercase on my word processor, the spellcheck program automatically changes it to ‘euglena!’ That’s bizarre, and more than a little irritating!)
Posted by riddled from MNFF: How do you integrate log to the base e to the power of x squared?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Why don’t you get a life? They’re on sale at Volde-Mart!
Posted by Strict_n_Scottish_Prof, aka Minerva McGonagall; forwarded by Alias_Tonks from MNFF: Oh, Voldemort, I'm so sorry about what I did to you! I was young and unready for a real relationship with a real man! Forgive me, please... and just don't wear eyeliner to our date, OK?
PS: [CENSORED] you, Bellatrix!!!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Oh, Minnie! You have truly made my night! Are you really fo shizzle?
Posted by Strict_n_Scottish_Prof: No, of course not! If possible, this blog made me like you even less, and your description of me was NOT flattering!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: You’re a meanie, Minnie.
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: Most of the reader mail was sent in by MNFF users, not me. And the other characters were created by J.K. Rowling. I also reference several rock bands, Dave Barry, eviloverlord.com, rathergood.com, Power Rangers, Power Puff Girls, and mugglenet.com, none of which I own, either. So I'm really uncreative, aren't I? By the way, the "Wrong Bananas" music video was created by the incomparable Joel Veitch of rathergood.com.
__________________________________________