Sept. 28th
Some of you alert readers, whose names I will not mention, but if I did, one of them would start with a ‘P’ and end with an “eridot_Horntail,” and the other would start with an ‘H’ and end with an ‘edwig with a quill,” have pointed out what they believe to be an inconsistency in an earlier entry of mine.
You see, I’ve mentioned my dear basilisk, Rosy-Ann in a previous entry. But several of you have pointed out that Rosy-Ann actually died in “Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets,” and that it would thusly be rather hard for her to write me a letter as R.A.B.
Well, children, you shouldn’t believe everything you read in Harry Potter. Why, I bet you also believe that I was the less attractive of Quirrel’s two faces! Haha! In any case, Rosy-Ann was never dead. After the Potter brat stabbed her, she fainted at the thought of all of that blood, and after Potter made his getaway, Nagini and I nursed her back to health. She’s now as good as new and planning a wedding to her high school sweetheart, the Giant Squid. So don’t worry your ugly little heads about such matters.
What you SHOULD be worrying your ugly little heads about is all of the ridiculous mail I’ve received lately. For instance, this letter:
Not-Really-All-That Dear Lord Voldemort,
I am absolutely appalled at your actions. Even when you do something the slightest bit good, you have ulterior motives that make your good deed worthless. For instance, you mentioned that you killed Santa Claus in a previous entry. While I applaud this decision (surely you know that Santa Claus was the biggest elf slavedriver in the world, and to make matters worse, this fact has been glorified in children’s literature), you completely negated it by employing the elves as your slaves! Have you no shame?
Furthermore, it may interest you to know that your blog has been discovered by an Order of the Phoenix informant, who has read every entry out loud during Order meetings? While some aspects of your blog are indeed amusing, I was shocked and horrified by some of the content. For instance, that “Wrong Bananas” video in your last entry. As for the identity of the informant, there’s no way I’m telling you who that is, but I’d watch your step if I were you.
Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Hermione Jane Granger.
P.S. While I am flattered to be number six on your hit list and pleased that you are jealous of my hair, I assure you that I do not, in fact, have twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare concealed in my hair. At last count, there were only twenty-seven forks in there.
Well. Well, well, well. That was certainly something to make a Dark Lord choke on his Count Chocula cereal. (This is, by the way, not just a figure of speech, and I am, in fact, suing General Mills cereal. Those allegedly ‘fun-shaped’ marshmallows aren’t so much fun when they’re lodged in your trachea.) Who on earth could the informant be?! I’ll bet you anything that it’s that R.A.B. moron. Well, I wouldn’t bet you ANYTHING. Like, I wouldn’t bet my secret Rowena-Ravenclaw’s-charm-bracelet-horcrux that absolutely nobody knows about, or my secret teddy bear named Mr. Snugglesworth. But you get my drift.
In any case, speaking of R.A.B, I then got an even more disturbing letter. It read something like this:
Dear Smelly Old [Insert Rude Name Here],
I have a joke for you. What did the man say when he dropped the Dark Lord’s pet snake horcrux down the garbage disposal? It won’t be long now! HAHAHAAA!
With all due respect (aka, none),
R.A.B.
Words cannot describe my anger at R.A.B. right about now. It’s one thing for me to go on murderous rampages sometimes just because I’m bored, but to drop Nagini down the garbage disposal? Who would do such a thing to my poor, sweet snakeling, a real darling that’s never done a bad thing in her life, except for containing a seventh of my soul, violently murdering several people, attacking Arthur Weasley, ordering some things on me ebay account, and occasionally wearing white after Labor Day. I haven’t seen Nagini for a bit, but I assumed she was shopping for a new tube dress to wear to Rosy’s wedding. I had no idea that she was being tortured! I, my friends (and enemies, if you’re reading this blog as well) am completely aghast!
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAAAAY!
First post! Master, I feel so sorry for you! Incidentally, if you’re feeling completely aghast, try some Beano. I hear it works wonders.
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: [CENSORED]
[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] R.A.B. [CENSORED] [*Here the censor died of a heart attack*] and then he’ll be sorry!!!1!!!one!11!!1!!eleventy-one!!!1!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
RE: Subj: [CENSORED]
Wow. Er, for the convenience of other readers, here is a family-friendly translation of what Bella was trying to say: “Golly gee whillikers! I am rather displeased with R.A.B., due to the fact that he’s not very nice and I dislike him. If he continues in this vein, I may be forced to do something a tad violent that may or may not include porcupines and pajamas.”
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Wedding?
What’s this now? Rosy’s getting married to the Giant Squid, and I haven’t been invited? I’m just going to go cry now, and possibly even be reduced to borrowing Draco’s eyeliner.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
RE: Subj: Wedding?
Oh, come now. I know, you’ve previously been a great success at animal weddings. For instance, at that marriage of two camels, your rendition of “My Humps” was absolutely inspired. But, well, Rosy’s already booked Josh Groban to perform, so I’m afraid there just wasn’t room for you.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Don’t worry
Hi, this is Nagini, using Babelfish translation again. I don’t want you to worry about me; I’m perfectly fine. After I was dropped down the disposal, I escaped, hurt but alive. I then went to your plastic surgeon (you know, the one who specialises in snakes), and he fixed me up. So I’m as good as new, and ready to be the Maid of Honour at the wedding! There is one glitch, though… you know that little snippet of your soul that you stuck in me? Well, uh, the plastic surgeon couldn’t do anything about that. It’s gone for good, I’m afraid.
--Posted by sparklediva00
RE: Subj: Don’t worry
NAGINI! Thank evilness you’re alive!
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: Poor dear
Oh, you poor man. You’ve had a really rough day, and I just feel horrible about it. I’ll tell you what, why don’t I take you out for dinner and a movie tomorrow night? I know you’ve said you don’t want to date, but what harm can one blind date do? Please give me a chance. Meet me at my house in London; I’ve emailed you with my address! X0X0X0
--Posted by blondeD
RE: Subj: Poor dear
You know what? I give up! That’s it, I’m caving! I’ll go on a date with you! Sheesh! But Bellatrix, don’t even think about trying the same tactics.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Sept. 29th
AAARGH! It’s just going to be one simple blind date! Why am I so nervous? I’ve killed hundreds without batting an eye and accomplished the most atrociously audacious of actions. So why is the reminder of my date tonight hanging over me like an old dead goose? I’m going crazy!
How to do my hair? Oh, that’s right, I’m bald. That’s so hard to get used to. The red eyes and slit nose were pretty easy to adjust to, but for some reason, I’m in denial about the billiard ball haircut.
Luckily, Nagini (who came home last night) and Rosy and her niece (Dolores Umbridge) and I made a list of rules to which I’m supposed to adhere on tonight’s date.
1. I must not tell my date that her pink dress ‘goes great with her acne.’
2. I must not take measurements of her neck and tell her that I wanted to order her a custom-made noose especially for her.
3. I must not mention my one remaining horc… *HAPPY THING*, the one I’ve never mentioned to anyone and kept a total secret. (Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet, the one that’s hidden in my underwear drawer, since I never use that drawer for my drawers, so to speak.)
4. I must not order anything made from human flesh, or containing garlic (it gives me bad breath.)
5. To wear: pink polo shirt from Hollister and blue jeans. Not to wear: anything with bloodstains, leather pants (embarrassing story behind that one), eyeliner (can be off-putting.)
6. I must not place the Imperius Curse on my date. (That one’ll be hard.)
7. I must not use the pick-up line that starts with the phrase “Do you have a mirror in your pocket?”
8. I must not recommend that we see a ‘romantic comedy’ like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I also must not sing the song “It’s Raining Men” for karaoke.
9. I must not bring along Nagini (in order to keep blondeD from feeling like ‘The Other Woman.’)
10. I must avoid Bellatrix at all costs, and create a diversion if I do, in fact, see her.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAY!
First post! Master, you’re going to have to tell me about your date! I’ve always wondered what they’re like…
--Posted by wormtail77
RE: Subj: YAAAAAAY!
You are a sad, sad strange little man.
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: See you soon!
Oh, I can’t wait until tonight! Incidentally, it’s very comforting that you won’t do any of the things on the list.
--Posted by blondeD
Subj: WUT?
[I am sorry, but this is even more obscene before, and simply cannot be posted.] LYK A PIG SUCKING CHEEZ OUT OF A FYR HOZE!!!!1!!one!!1!one! U SEE IF I DON’T!!!!11!!eleventeen!!!1!!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_the_hotness_x
[*ALL FURTHER COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISABLED BY thedarklord666)
(Author's Note: The next chapter will be the last one! And you'll get to find out who blondeD is, how Voldy's date goes, who R.A.B. is, and a few more interesting tidbits! Cheers!)
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: (This chapter may seem pointless. But it's definitely not! It's also the penultimate chapter. As usual, I don't own Harry Potter, and I don't own Voldemort, though I do pwn him. Incidentally, I don't own Josh Groban, Count Chocula, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or basically anything cool. Also, the wedding idea was created by the lovely prongs_rides_again.)