Sept 30th
Greetings, my fine ladies and gentlemen! I’m afraid Voldemort’s unable to write a blog entry at the moment, so I, as a frequenter of this blog, kindly volunteered to do it for him.
Well, no, that’s a lie. I just kind of hacked onto his account. It was quite easy, actually-- his password is “joshgrobanfan4evah.”
Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harry Potter. Doesn’t ring any bells? Well, you might know me from the ‘comments’ section on this blog as blondeD. That’s actually my cousin Dudley’s username, but he never uses it, as he’s completely illiterate, so it was mine for the taking. Oddly enough, his password is also “joshgrobanfan4evah.”
Voldemort has been really stupid lately, posting things that I would never in a million years divulge online if I were him-- things like the locations of his Horcruxes, plots to assassinate Order members, places he’s planning on visiting in the future, a list of his followers, the truth about his infatuation with the pink Power Ranger-- and it shouldn’t have surprised him that someone on the light side (that would be me) would use that information against him.
I can’t believe how well my plan worked. As blondeD, when I asked him to meet me for a dinner and a movie, he, being the arrogant man (?) that he is, assumed that I was a hot babe who wanted to go on a date with him and agreed. Instead, I got the entire Order of the Phoenix to hold a stake out and hide until Voldemort arrived. Sure enough, at precisely 8:59, he arrived, in his ridiculous pink polo shirt, his jeans, and a miasma of overpoweringly strong cologne that I believe was called ‘Eau De Snake Pee.’ Amazingly, he was carrying a bouquet of deadly nightshade and mandrakes but, get this, NO WAND.
It didn’t take him long to realise that he’d been set up. He tried to escape, but he tripped over Ron’s foot (knew those big feet of his would come in handy some day) and fell off a cliff. This was especially weird, since we were in the middle of a suburban shopping centre.
Now, in case you actually like the evil git (in which case, I recommend counseling, and I know a great psychotherapist in London), then don’t worry. He’ll be fine-- but he won’t be writing any blog entries anytime soon. He shattered all of the bones in his fingers, wrists, and forearms; and his upper arms and shoulders are full of hairline fractures. Apparently, his hands were already weakened due to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from spending so much time on the computer, so he’ll be in St. Mungo’s for awhile recuperating. After he gets out of St. Mungo’s it’s straight to Azkaban for him, and he’ll have to do community service and take anger management classes from someone named Madelynn.
Then, R.A.B and I went and destroyed Rowena Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet (Like he said, it was in his underwear drawer, which was otherwise empty, with the notable exception of a box labeled ‘DANGER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION’ that contained Draco Malfoy’s baby pictures), so he’s mortal again.
OH! You don’t know who R.A.B. is, do you? Well, it’s not the basilisk. In fact, her wedding’s still going to occur as planned, even without Voldemort to walk her down the aisle. She’s not going to waste her beautiful Vera Fang dress and reservations for the marriage chapel in the squid tank of the London Aquarium just because her master’s been incapacitated.
But no, R.A.B. is actually two people, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. Surprised? So was I! But apparently, they were never actually true servants of Voldemort-- they’ve been on the good side all along, and were spies for the Order. In fact, Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, and Sirius isn’t dead. He was just on vacation in Bermuda (which is where the veil really leads to), and he’s back now with a truly splendid tan. You have no idea how much help Bellatrix has been to the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, Snape is now sulking in his trailer because Bellatrix won the “Best Double Agent” award this year over him, and he only won “Worst Hygiene” and “Least Likeable.”
I’m throwing a big party tonight in honour of Voldemort’s defeat and capture. Everyone I know will be there, and you’re all invited. We’ve turned the Knight Bus into a party bus, so just step outside and stick your wand out, and our Party On Wheels will come and pick you up. We’ll have lots of food and music, and it should be fun, especially since--and you didn’t hear this from me-- I hear that the entire cast of the Power Rangers will be there celebrating the end Voldemort’s reign of terror. (Apparently, he kept sending the Blue Power Ranger e-Crucios.)
And I forgot to mention the most exciting part-- Voldemort’s not only mortal, but he’s lost all of his magical abilities whatsoever!
Apparently, Nagini sold all of his magic on eBay.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAY!
I’m so glad they have an internet café in Azkaban!
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: Foshizzle
Yo, I see whatcha mean, my brother. This new layout in the cell is totally P-I-M-P-I-N.’ It is TIIIGHT, with a capital ‘T.’ But the whole thing about Voldemort being defeated? That is WHACK, man. He’s so trippin’! Literally!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Subj: Yeah
I see what you mean. I was never really on Voldemort’s side, you know.
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: WHUT??
Liar, liar, robes on fire!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Subj: Meh
Am not!
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: Re: Meh
Are too!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Subj: Re: Re: Meh
Am NOT!
--Posted by worm tail 77
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Meh
Are TOO!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Subj: Excuse me
Gosh, people, this is your cellmate Biff speaking, and your ten minute time slot in the internet café is over. It’s my turn now! And if you still don’t get off, allow me to remind you that I’m in here for cannibalism.
--Posted by dementorssuck
Subj: I can’t believe Lord Voldemort’s gullibility!
Seriously, how could he possibly think that I could ever find him attractive? As of tomorrow, I’m changing my screen name to “thecorpsebrideHBC”-- I might cause myself to vomit if I stick to this one much longer. In any case, it’s nice to finally give up this ridiculous charade.
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
Subj: Whatever
I honestly couldn’t care less about Bellatrix winning the award over me… really… I mean it… ONGZWHYWHYWHY!!!?1??!?11!?!??!1?!??!?1!?!??
--Posted by hbpmaster
Subj: Re: Whatever
Tsk, tsk, Snape, you don’t want your PI accreditation to be taken away after a post like that, do you?
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter)
Subj: Party?
The POWER RANGERS are coming to your party? Can I come?
--Posted by prettynpureblood
Subj: Re: Party?
Never in a million years.
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter.)
Subj: Re: Re: Party
I’ll bribe you! I know Natalie Portman’s myspace!
--Posted by prettynpureblood
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Party
You’re invited!
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter.)
Subj: Good man!
Harry, I’m proud of you for kicking some serious… astrological phenomenon… while I was doing important business for the Order (read as: chillaxin’ in Bermuda), so I’m going to entrust you with the latest Marauder secret. I’ll email it to you… but make sure no one else sees it, especially Dudley. This particular secret has to do with how I achieved my status as a chick magnet, but remember-- with great power comes great responsibility.
--Posted by siriuslynotdeadyet1
Subj: *Tear*
I can’t believe this blog is over! I’ll miss it so much!
--Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Subj: FWAHAHAHAHAHA!
All hail before the almighty Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, my new alias! Never again shall impudent children cross me, for I have power unlimited!
I bet you didn’t even think about who bought Voldemort’s magic off of eBay. Well, it was me! Argus Filch! And now, I’ll be making a lot of changes around Hogwarts Castle…
--Posted by hellokitty3982
Subj: Ebay
Oopsies.
--Posted by sparklediva00
(Author's Note: Well, that's the end!... OR IS IT?!)
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: (Well, this is the last chapter! *sniffle* I'll miss this story SO much! Er, as usual, I don't own Harry Potter, Josh Groban, the Power Rangers, eBay, The Corpse Bride, myspace, Hello Kitty, or basically anything cool. Luckily, I also don't own Draco's baby pictures.)
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