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First, I’ll get the required information out of the way. Today is Tuesday, March 24th, blah, blah, blah…
I have a new nickname. I don’t like it in the least, it’s embarrassing and disproportionately dumb, but according to Sirius I just ‘don’t appreciate his sort of humour’. Well, if ‘his sort’ of humour involves a subtle sex-fixation and the propensity to throw people into consternating, mortifying situations, then no, I have no grasp upon his sort of humour.
Well, I was first identified with the previously mentioned nickname yesterday…
I was standing around minding my own business at the door to the Potions dungeon, while secretly shifting my eyes every now and then to eye Tamara, leaning against the wall on the other side of the door, chatting to Perfidy. I was just letting my mind wander casually, you know, thinking how it makes absolutely no sense that James thinks she’s such a great kisser. I mean, I’ve got nothing against her, and really, it’s nothing to me who James Potter decides he’s in the mood of snogging, but she just doesn’t give off any ‘I-just-so-happen-to-be-an-extraordinary“kisser’ vibes…
Well, sure, she is rather curvy and, I suppose, attractive; and yes, she does have very full and red lips… and I suppose she’s got a reputation similar to Sirius’, only of a female variety, but when you truly stop to think about it, she’s nothing spectacular. I simply have to conclude that James has weird taste in women… of course, that’s not such a happy thought for me, as there was once a time that he was head“over“heels about me… I’m sure that’s a ‘was’. It’s so obvious he’s over me. And I’m glad, of course. Don’t think for a second that talking of James’ feelings for me in the past tense bugs me. It’s a relief, actually…
I just wonder why. I mean, what exactly did I do to make him stop liking me? So maybe I threw pie at him and dyed his hair green. Maybe I called him a liar more than once. But he was allegedly so in love with me, I thought it would take something bigger and more drastic to make him stop fancying me. Well, I suppose he never liked me that much to begin with. Another huge relief, if you ask me. I mean, who needs to be fawned and obsessed over like that by some lovesick guy? Honestly, I never cared for the situation, and…
Gah! I’ve drifted violently away from the subject at hand. One minute I’m discussing the absurdness of Sirius’s nickname for me, the next I’m writing a million miles an hour about Tamara, the Super Lip“Locker, and James’ past fancies. I haven’t a clue how that happened. I think I need to meditate: get my brain back into its appropriate spot in the universe. It’s drifted somewhere out past Pluto.
SO, back to a far more interesting matter than the ‘who“likes“who’s of Hogwarts. I was standing there minding my own business, like I said. I was alone. Which may seem strange, as the Marauders, Sophie, Rich (even Maura, sometimes) and I have been very much joined to the hip these days. Well, Sophie had a different class that period, Rich and Maura aren’t in our year and when I went up to the boys' dorm in the morning to check what was keeping James, Sirius and Peter (apparently Remus was off visiting his sick aunt again) I discovered them all snoozing away in their beds, covers thrown to the side and in sleeping positions I would never have managed to sleep in. Sirius was curled up near the end of his in a way much resembling a dog. Peter was lying on his back, snoring, with his mouth so open I could have almost stuffed my Transfiguration textbook into it. And James had practically half of his body hanging off the side of his bed and a piece of grass in his mouth. Boys! Honestly.
As if that weren’t enough, they were all wearing jeans. Pyjamas aren’t fashionable enough anymore.
I won’t go into details about how I did everything within my power to wake them up. I even went into the bathroom, filled a cup with cold water and dumped it all over James’ head and bare chest. It didn’t work. He just bucked for a while and then settled back into the occupation of lying there like a grumbling and otherwise unresponsive pile of hormones.
So, aside from the occasional company Sophie provided when we shared the same class, I was rather lonesome on Monday. I assumed the boys were still upstairs working off hangovers from a secret Firewhiskey“fest the previous night. They only showed up right before last period Potions… Which brings us back to me minding my own business by the door.
I was just standing there brooding about Tamara and James and… oh, life in general, I meant to say! Really! That was just a slip of the pen. Contrary to any impression you might have of me, hypothetical reader, I don’t spend all of my time thinking of James Potter and related subjects. Please! What a pathetic existence that would be.
Once again, back to the subject at hand: when I least expected it, from behind me someone greeted, “Why look! It’s the Queen of Nudity.”
You can believe it or not, but that ‘Queen of Nudity’ was directed at me.
I tried ignoring it but soon enough Sirius had placed an arm around my shoulders and continued talking, as if he hadn’t just spewed a monumentally embarrassing, not to mention stupendously awful nickname.
“You missed us terribly, did you not, Your Highness?” he went on saying.
Every other student waiting for the class to begin turned around to watch this new unrolling comedy, me and Sirius at the very centre of it. So lovely! I look forward to these sort of moments my entire life. I kid you not.
“Don’t you dare, Sirius! Shut up and keep quiet or I’ll do much more damage to you than Peter ever could’ve dreamed of doing,” I hissed in my most threatening voice. The effect was probably entirely ruined by the fact my cheeks now looked like two little petunias in full bloom.
“Why, your Royal Nakedness! We’re feeling aggressive this morning, aren’t we?”
“I’m not even going to address you anymore, Sirius, you “ you…”
Hypothetical reader, I was not distraught. No. I just couldn’t find a bad enough word to address him with… Even though I said I wouldn’t address him anymore.
“How could you get past a day without speaking to me?” Sirius smirked.
I shoved his arm off my shoulder and glared at him. I could feel the heat radiating off my face. The fires of hell temporarily relocated themselves.
“With pleasure!” I spat and marched three steps away from him toward the door of the class. It didn’t have as much dramatic effect as I had hoped, of course. It’s not very dramatic to stand with crossed arms, facing a locked door while the person you are attempting to ignore continues his humiliating conversation with you. Not dramatic at all. I’d advise you not to try it anytime too. People actually seem to find it quite humorous, see.
“You’ll have to start tomorrow; you’ve already spoken to me today,” the oaf went on, speaking to the back of my head.
“Come on, Sirius, give her a bit of a break,” I heard someone say. It sounded very much like James.
Not that it matters to me who’s defending me. James or Peter or Remus, or whoever, really. No difference at all to me. I mean it.
“Fine,” Sirius appeared to consent, to my astonishment. While I must use threats and resort to unsuccessful, childish shenanigans to deal with Sirius, James gets him to quit his awful antics with a simple entreaty. Very impressive.
Of course, that isn’t to say that it wouldn’t be equally impressive if it had been someone else that had done it.
I turned around and James was standing there, grinning at me. For some reason, even though moments ago I’d been severely annoyed, I couldn’t help but smile back.
“We already put her through enough as it is,” he announced cryptically to the gathered crowd, looking at me. I knew they were all going to start gossiping a million miles an hour about the elusive reasons behind my publicized nudity. But I would not stop smiling. Bugger.
“I suppose you’re right, Prongs,” said Sirius coming over to us and clapping a hand upon James’ shoulder, just as Professor Slughorn bumbled his way through the small crowd. “We best just go into class.” He made a grand sweeping motion as Slughorn fumbled the key into the door. “After you, Miss Birthday Suit.”
You know, teachers (especially of the male variety) never really seem to have any sympathy for students when it comes to genital related injuries. I’ve noticed that…
Well, that’s the tragic saga behind my new nickname. Not a soul in this school seems to have anything interesting to do, because soon enough third years were stopping me in the hallways to ask whether it was true that I had single-handedly established a secret prostitution rink within the school, involving payment through Ballroom costumes. Don’t ask. Sometimes I think people don’t listen at all to what others say, and rather just choose random words, stringing them together and coming up with preposterous things such as these.
Oh, there is actually a pair of people that seems far too interested in something a little less… trivial.
So, James, Peter and I were making our way out of Herbology and up to the common room on that same day. Sophie had gone ahead (reasonable, as her common room is in a completely different direction) and Sirius had left early (unreasonable, as they didn’t give me a reason). Remus was with his sick aunt, poor thing.
Rich was burying his underwear in a pile of snow on the left side of the courtyard.
It was rather entertaining. There was a gaggle of people watching and laughing their heads off. Maura stood there in an attempt to be sympathetic, yet snorting as well. We came around to watch just as Rich turned away from the pile of snow and the crowd cheered and slapped him on the back. He grimaced, blushing very deeply. Then taking hold of Maura’s hand firmly, dragged her away toward dinner. She had progressed into a state of hysterics by the time he got her out of the courtyard.
So, we were walking up just after this little incident took place. Oh, Peter had just told us that he couldn’t wait around for us to put our books away; he had to eat. It had been two full hours since he’d eaten anything! So, technically, it was only me and James.
We were talking about my Great Aunt Polly. I’m not quite sure how the subject came up… one moment we were discussing Venomous Tentaculas, the next I’m blabbing about Great Aunt Polly and how she’d started stuffing her bras with grapes after a certain age.
“So, what did she do? Just whip up a bigger sized bra and decide to stuff it with the first fruit that came to mind?” James asked, sounding very amused.
“No,” I said somewhat defensively. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know what she did. All I know is that in the last two summers of her life whenever I hugged her she was, well… pebbly.”
This sent James into a scream of mirth.
“Oh, come on, it’s not that funny! Loads of people stuff their bras…” I attempted to counter. He looked like he might just fall down and roll around the floor hilariously.
“Sure,” he managed to say between gasps, as he dragged himself along in my stead, grasping the railings. “But with grapes? What if she were running around or something, or what if she decided to… to do a cartwheel and all of the grapes just poured out of her shirt?”
Well, that was pretty funny, I had to admit. I started imagining Aunt Polly doing cartwheels in this old pilgrim dress (which in and of itself is plenty amusing) and Petunia and me dashing across to get the little grapes and eat them. I suppressed the urge to break down just like James.
“My mom says that she thinks Great Aunt Polly always stuffed her bra. But, once she got to be ninety-three, she just stuffed them with anything at all. I don’t know why specifically grapes, though… But, hey, I bet there are girls in school that stuff their bras,” I branched off into another direction, with something in mind.
James was still snickering as he walked beside me. “Is that so? I haven’t found any stray grapes in the corridors…”
I rolled my eyes.
Suddenly, James grasped my arm and looked at me very seriously. “Lily.”
My breathing went haywire. “What?”
“Do you stuff your bra with grapes?”
I sighed emphatically as he went nuts again.
“But I bet some people here do. Not with grapes, I mean.” I repeated.
James eyed me interestedly. “Who?”
I breathed in. “Oh, I don’t know… I think Tonia Edwards might. And… maybe Daphne Cullen. Or even, say, Tamara.”
I tried to say it nonchalantly. I thought I had too, but no. I continued on walking down the hall for a while before I realised that James wasn’t beside me. Once I turned around I realised he had stopped walking and was standing about a mile away, staring at me as I stood at the bend of the corridor, a broom closet beside me.
“What?” I called back innocently.
He started walking toward me, beginning to smile. I felt my face heat. By the time he got to me, the fires of hell were once again having a party on my face.
“Lily?” he asked, the second time that day.
“What?” I asked again quietly.
He smirked. “Are you jealous of Tamara?”
I tried to glare at him. I mean, how would I react to that? I didn’t want to adm… I mean, it was a stupid question of him to ask of me. Really. Jeez.
“You wish,” I muttered, not sounding as tough as I wanted to.
He just smirked. Before I could muster up the energy it took to actually take the smugness from his face, he became alert instead.
“Do you hear that?”
I didn’t. I thought he was hallucinating.
“Really, it’s like… voices.” He turned his attention toward the broom closet door.
As we remained silent and James edged toward the door, I could hear what he meant. There were voices in the broom closet.
Now, voices in the broom closet never mean anything good. Either there are two people in there plotting world domination, or there are two people in there far too distracted to realise that anyone’s eavesdropping. James seemed to be sure that we had in our hands one of the second cases. He had his ear against the door and his finger against his lips, waving a hand around, indicating that I should be quiet.
“Damn, I can’t figure out who it is,” he was muttering so quietly I could only hear him when I assumed the same position. See what they have reduced me to? Eavesdropping on… broom closet mayhem.
He started to gently pound his pockets around.
“What are you looking for?” I hissed.
“A… map,” he muttered vaguely.
“We’re not lost, James.”
“I know, I just want to know who’s in this closet.”
“Well, a map isn’t going to tell you that. You might as well just knock on the door and ask who’s in there.”
“I know, but it’s so much easier when I have the map.”
“Wait! I’m confused. What in the world-”
I didn’t finish my sentence. James knocked on the door.
“James!” I hissed, leaping away as he dashed down the corner, yanking on my arm to drag me with him.
We stopped once we got around the corner and conspicuously stood with our heads peeking around, waiting for the culprits to dash out the door.
“Isn’t this fun?” he asked me from above.
I would have crossed my eyes at him, only I didn’t take them off the door. “Your idea of amusement is so disturbing to me.”
“Man, they’re taking a while! I suppose they have to… assemble themselves.”
“Perhaps it would be best if you just kept your mouth shut.”
But he was right. They took a long time. I began to think that they hadn’t even noticed the knock. Eventually, they did come out. This may come as a shock to some of you, but it was Sophie and Sirius. They were in there… being distracted.
Well, needless to say, I’m still rather shocked. I barely said a word as James and I made our way up to the common room, while he tried by every means to get the alarm out of my system. He seemed actually worried.
I’m somewhat recovered now. I mean, after much mulling it over, I suppose Sophie’s made worse choices before. And now that I’ve gotten to know Sirius somewhat, he really isn’t that bad. He may threaten, but he’s harmless, just so long as you don’t get on his bad side (which, obviously, Sophie isn’t). And I’m sure he still likes her, in his strange way. And she adores him in her strange way. She’s not that fragile either, anymore.
I suppose it could be alright. But Sirius better run for his life if he ever hurts my friend again! His balls won’t be safe, wherever he goes.
Time to pack up now! James has been done for a good five minutes. He just sits there, staring around at the ceiling with his mouth slightly open. Whenever I look over, I laugh. He looks so cute when he forgets someone’s watching…
Well, er, I’ll just stop writing now. My mind is sort of tired, I guess; it’s spewing out things it’s not supposed to.
Lily Evans, Her Royal Nakedness
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I missed writing these things.
Anyway, as you know, I'd LOVE to hear what you think! Please review. So, Sophie and Sirius, huh...? Jealousy, huh...? Grapes, huh...? Come on, tell me what you think!
Thanks to my beta harrypotterfangirl21 for her wonderful help. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story through that very long wait.
And I've got a new one-shot up. It's mostly about Sirius and Regulus. It's much darker than this, but I truly love it!
So... thoughts?
The Epic Tale of the Hogwarts Food-fight by Gin_Drinka
Chapter Notes: Yes! I'm finally updating! I give you the right to strangle me for taking so long, but maybe read the chapter first...
Also, I've got a new one-shot up. It's considerably darker than this story, and it's about Sirius and Regulus. Check it out if you'd like, and if you do, please review!
It's been such a long time since I updated, I had to read everything over again to remember everything...
Enjoy!