So, diary-like agent, today is Thursday, April 15th, and as far as days go this has been a pretty interesting one. I've come up with an extremely clever way to summarize the emotions I have been feeling (it's quite witty, I'm sure you'll appreciate it). I call it the four 'C's: curiosity, closeness, closure and confusion.

Allow me to explain. The subject of my curiosity is Kathy McKinnon... Actually, I'm just going to qualify something very quickly here before I continue - I feel some curiosity, you know, it's not like I'm itching, or twitching, or dying with it, for goodness sake. Well, anyway, the second 'C': I feel 'closer' to Remus. We had a nice little chat about my poor life decisions. Thirdly, amazingly enough, I feel closure with Terry. You remember him, my ex-boyfriend who just so happened to fall in love with someone else? Yeah, we chatted too. I'm beginning to think diplomacy should be my new career choice. I've been reaping such good results from my dialogues! Well, anyway, let's proceed to the last 'C'. I'm 'confused'. I'm confused about James. Woooo, surprise!

He's ignoring me. I walked in a little late to detention to find him already here, sitting right at the front of the room and pointedly ignoring me. I tried catching his eye with a mild lack of subtlety but he just stared at McGonagall's desk as if he wanted to pulverize it with his gaze. I don't know about you, hypothetical reader, but that sort of body language usually indicates dissatisfaction to me. Well, that's great. It's official: he hates me! That, or he's realized how insanely attracted to him I am and he figures that, for the good of both of us, he has to ignore me. I'll insert another short qualification here, for clarity's sake - about when I mentioned this so-called insane attraction: that is what I'm presuming he thinks. Of course it's not actually true! My attraction to him is perfectly sane and in control! Just for the record, you know, since I'm not allowed to cross things out in this stupid journal/unfortunate outlet of my troubled mind.

Anyway, yes, James is confusing. He seems upset now, but he was fine this morning. How puzzling! Maybe he has been experiencing hormonal mood swings... Merlin, men are so temperamental; perky nuisances in the morning and grouchy mysteries by evening!

The day started off rather normally, in case you were wondering (which of course you were, my morning rituals are so fascinating). I slouched out of bed at seven after Perfidy woke me up by attempting to stuff me into her pillow case, found James waiting for me in the Common Room (cheerfully, I will add) and accompanied by Rich and Peter we made our way to breakfast. On our journey down to the Great Hall we came to discuss the tragic extinction of the Do-do bird (Peter was of the completely nonsensical opinion that they were not actually extinct and that the whole affair was just a government secret). It was only as we approached the Great Hall, Rich demanding to know why on Earth any government would ever waste their time keeping the existence of the Do-do bird a secret, that things began to get strange. By strange, I mean that the four of us almost ran right into Remus, who was accompanied by none other than Kathy McKinnon.

Hypothetical reader, I may be horrendous at many things, such as revenge, lying to myself and maintaining calm, but here is one thing that I had previously been very good at: avoiding the sticky subject that was my recent break-up with Terry. However, with Kathy McKinnon standing right in front of me, so distracted by whatever Remus was telling her that she almost ran straight into Peter, it became slightly harder to avoid remembering.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" she began apologizing to Peter. She gave him a strange sort of pat on the arm as she continued apologizing, saying, "I didn't see-" but what she saw never became clear to us because she stopped speaking as she looked at Peter's companions, or, to be more precise, me.

Everyone had stopped moving and speaking. We all stood there facing each other like some sort of American old west show-down, except that there were no clumps of hay rolling past us and the only person who looked like he was ready to attack someone was James as he glared at Remus. And me... well, I did my best to look at anything but the girl in front of me. You could say it was a pretty tense environment.

In two seconds that tension-filled atmosphere was gone as Kathy McKinnon blurted out, "Hi!" as she stared at me with her big blue eyes.

She is an odd one. Didn't she know she was supposed to be avoiding me? Didn't she know that the protocol for when either of us saw each other was to scuttle away in the other direction? She kept on blabbering at me as we all stood there flummoxed.

"...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...to... well, not that I purposefully didn't mean to, I just...thought that... I...oh, I, um... Remus! Bye! It was nice catching up with you!" and with that she dashed off. Perhaps she was in fact savvy of the protocol.

"Bye," Remus muttered limply, breaking the silence.

Rich was second. "Well, that was incredibly special." He began nudging me violently into the dining hall, presumably to get me in there before Kathy McKinnon could come back and mumble at me some more. "Come on Lily, let's go eat."

"Say," said Peter as he jogged up beside us, "wasn't that Kathy McKinnon?"

"No, that was the Queen of Aggraba," Rich answered snidely, still holding on to my arm. "Come on Lily."

I wrenched my arm away angrily saying, "I can walk myself in, thanks!" as Peter grumbled, "Well, there wasn't any need to be rude."

As we moved toward the Gryffindor table I noticed James and Remus weren't with us. I looked back to see that they had stayed behind. They were standing outside of the Great Hall in what appeared to be an argument. How fantastic! Now they were going to cause a scene, and over me at that... at least I assumed I was the subject of the argument. There was a slight possibility they were actually arguing over something else, like perhaps the clashing colour of their ties... or not. A part of me wanted to march right up to James and say, "Leave it be! Remus can talk to whoever he wants; he could be best pals with Grindelwald and it still wouldn't be my business. He doesn't owe me anything!" but instead I just let myself be guided to a seat next to Maura and Sirius.

I wasn't feeling too good about myself as I sat there listening to Maura panic about her OWLs. Unpleasant questions kept churning through my head. Did Rich really think I needed to be babied like that? And did James really think he had to confront Remus for me? It wasn't any of my business who Remus chose to talk to! I had no business complaining to Remus about his apparent friendship with Kathy McKinnon and neither did James! Gosh, I'm not some hapless damsel in distress, I can take care of myself just fine in case they hadn't noticed.

No matter how much I focused on the obnoxious way my friends had treated me, I couldn't deny, bad as I was at lying to myself, what was really upsetting me. It was the same thing I felt whenever I was confronted with Kathy McKinnon or Terry...

"Lily?"

I almost broke my neck as I snapped it back to see who was disturbing me from my miserable thoughts. It was James. Of course. Something about his concern just made me snap.

"Lily, are you alright? You seem kind of-"

"Yes, James, I'm fine," I interrupted him fiercely with what I hope was a whisper. "I'm also an eighteen-year old woman,"

He looked at me in scared confusion. "Okay..."

"Do you want to know what that means?" I asked snidely. My, my, I'm really very aggressive when I'm angry. "It means I'm more than capable of dealing with my own breakup, thanks!"

"Lily, you know I didn't mean to-"

"And furthermore," I interrupted him again, "neither of us has any business lecturing Remus on the company that he keeps."

"Lily, I think you're overreacting just a little."

"No, James, you overreacted when you decided to take my problems into your own hands-"

"Oh, that's really funny. If this is such a concern of yours, how come I haven't heard you complain about it before!"

In the uncomfortable silence that followed I became aware of the fact that Maura was no longer talking about her OWLs. The lot of them were now staring at us with some amusement. That's just what I needed: an audience for my dramatic meltdown. I snatched my book bag off the floor and flounced away, ignoring Sirius as he called after me in a futile attempt to keep the show going, "Wait, you haven't finished your porridge!"

I was a gazillion minutes early to Potions. I just stood outside the classroom, leaning against the Dungeon walls, breathing in the putrid scent of frog spleen, feeling sorry for myself and more than a little stupid. Even through my frustration, I knew James had been right... again. He'd been trying to help me out, in his own protective way, for quite some time and, no, I had never complained. Why did I have such a temper? Despite how unnecessary their help was, my friends only had good intentions. And, I guess, they must be getting the idea that I need assistance from something...

Once again, James interrupted my train of thought. I heard his footsteps coming toward me slowly. I didn't look up, but I didn't have to. He just came over and leant against the wall beside me. I glanced at him. He wrinkled his nose (I'm guessing it was because of the smell of frog spleen). He looked at my toes, he looked at his toes. Then he spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," I mumbled. "Me too."

And that was it. Nothing else had to be said, nothing explained. Not between us, at least.

"I think we've learned something very important today," he was smirking as he told me.

I turned towards him, smiling. I could see some other students beginning to come into the hallway. "Are you going to give me a moral lesson?"

"Me? No. Come on, be serious. But we have learned something."

"That Remus might be secretly engaged to Kathy McKinnon?"

"Lily! Don't say such things!"

"James, take a joke! And just spit it out, what have we learned?"

"Well, that our relationship really hasn't changed all that much."

"Okay... why is that?"

"Because... you still know how to get royally pissed at me."

"Oh! Well, I hope you know that I can spin that both ways. You still know how to royally piss me off."

"Lily, that was clever, I think I'm rubbing off on you!"

"You know, I think you're right, I have been noticing a really bad odour that was definitely not there before..."

We continued bantering this way until class time started. James could be so easy to be around. It scared me how good he made me feel. After admitting to Rich and Sophie that unmentionable thing (you know... thatIthinkImightpossiblyfancyJames) I expected I would be hyperaware around him. I'm not though. I feel perfectly natural... well, except for the times when Rich or Sophie look over at us like we're the cutest thing since baby socks. Then, I don't feel so normal.

Neither Rich nor Sophie had Potions with us, however. This time it was someone else who was looking over at me and making me feel uncomfortable. Remus and I could definitely not communicate telepathically. I had no idea what he was trying to convey to me with his looks. Was he trying to apologize..? Was he saying 'stay out of my business'? Was he actually secretly engaged to Kathy McKinnon?! Oh, the drama!

Well, anyway, I didn't find out until much later that day. James and I managed to make it through Potions without blowing anything up (which would normally be an effortless feat for me, however James is horribly distracting and I find myself forgetting ingredients... oh Godric, he's a bad influence). For the rest of the day I didn't see either Terry or Kathy McKinnon again, and Rich even apologized to me during dinner!

"No, no it's fine," I waved it off, accidentally flinging a steaming potato at a third-year. Gosh, she didn't have to jump like that, it was an accident. My pie-throwing days are long gone. "To be honest, I overreacted about it."

Rich snorted. "Well, of course you did, you're Lily Evans. I'm just letting you know, I understand you don't need to be guided around like that. I'm sorry."

"What'd he do this time?"

Sophie plopped herself down between us, grabbing a dinner roll off of Rich's plate, at which he made a face and pushed it away. "I resent that, Sophie."

"I resent your face."

"Wow, that's great. Twenty points for maturity to Hufflepuff."

I wasn't listening to them anymore though. I was thinking about what Sophie said. 'What'd he do this time'. Was this going to become a regular occurrence? Was I always going to end up feeling that way around Terry and Kathy McKinnon? Was I ever going to feel normal again?

Even as I thought it, I knew the answer. Yes, I would always feel this way... unless I summoned the Gryffindor courage to get up and have one of those tough talks. I had just made a decision, and it was a now or never kind of thing. I knew it would be all too easy to tell myself, 'I'll do it tomorrow' and never get around to it. I stood up abruptly. The third-year girl at whom I'd accidentally flung a potato jumped back so far she fell off the bench. "I've got to go deal with something," I announced, leaving Sophie and Rich watching after me perplexed.

I marched out of the Great Hall feeling edgy but confident. I was finally taking action. I was finally going to march straight up to-

"Lily!"

"Argh, what now?"

Remus stopped in his tracks, looking alarmed. He raised his hands innocently. I noticed maybe for the first time how many scars he had. As many lines as I had on my hands, he had scars. "I just wanted to clear something up with you... about earlier."

I tore my eyes away from his hands and looked at his questioning face. There were scars there too, and the soft, thin shadows of scars that had healed. When I'd asked James about it before, he said Remus was just clumsy. "You don't have to," I told him. "I'm sorry if James said anything to you about it. It's not my business. You don't owe me any explanation."

He nodded this all away, signalling for me to follow him to a spot just outside of the small crowd filing into the dining hall. "Yeah, I know that. But I want to explain it to you."

Alright then, I guess my quest could wait. I followed him and waited curiously for his explanation.

"It's really simple, actually," he began with a laugh. "It's going to seem ridiculous now, all this fuss. You see, I dated one of Kathy's best friends, Lorrain Bell."

"Oh..." was all I dumbly managed to say. So I guess he hadn't run off and eloped with McKinnon...

"It didn't last too long," Remus continued, "but Kathy and I became friendly. And we just catch up every now and then. She's a really nice girl."

That was a strange concept to wrap my head around; 'Kathy' being nice, or mean or anything. So I just nodded my head and waited to see if he would say anything else.

He seemed to be doing the same thing for a while. He watched me, wrinkles on his forehead, as if I was just about to say something. When I let the heavy silence linger, he spoke up, "I think you'd actually like her if you knew her. She doesn't make friends easily since she's so shy, but she's nice, she's-"

"Remus," I couldn't help but interrupt him. As much as I loved hearing about how great my ex-boyfriend's new catch was, I had somewhere to be. "Is there any particular reason you're telling me all this?"

"Yeah." He laughed a little as he looked over my head at the moving staircases. "I know it's probably not pleasant to hear," he said looking back at me with surprising sincerity. "But I just don't want you to do yourself the disservice of assigning blame to the wrong person."

I stared at him. Wow. He really had a brain on him. He smiled at me an unexpectedly delicate smile. What a mysterious boy.

"Hey, Remus," I said, "you know I think this is the longest conversation we've ever had?"

He laughed. "Sadly, I think you're right. But you know, I'm glad James finally stopped acting like a love-sick puppy. I don't think we would have ever really known you otherwise."

I didn't tell him that a part of me wished James was still acting like that rabid love-sick dog, I just smiled about this new feeling of companionship. "Listen, I'm sorry if he gave you a hard time about it."

Remus shrugged it off. "He has his reasons. But anyway, you were in a huge hurry when I found you. I'll let you get back to it then."

Hmm. Cryptic. But yes; I did need to be getting on. If I didn't follow through with this now, I might never again. "You're right. I do have somewhere to be."

"Okay. Lily, I enjoyed having our longest conversation yet."

"Remus," I said with a smile. "You've got a way with words."

"Well," he said shrugging, "someone had to learn to negotiate our way out of the sticky situations James and Sirius got us into."

"My, what a heavy burden you carry."

"Thanks so much for the sympathy." He smiled at me again, saluted me and said, "I'll see you soon."

"See you," I said, saluting as well. Then Remus went off with the throng into the dining hall and I finally turned back around. Up a flight of stairs, up another, and another. All the while my heart was racing and I was trying so hard not to rehearse what I was going to say that I almost ran into four different students. Oh, I hate the tough conversations! Give me a duel to fight any day over a tough conversation.

I got to the Library too soon for me to handle. I just stood outside it, breathing deeply. I must have looked strange standing there, but hey, it's almost NEWT time, I think the seventh-years are expected to lose their minds a little. I just needed to prepare myself... no! I couldn't prepare myself! If I tried to prepare myself then I would over-think it and second-doubt myself and then I'd be running away, condemning myself to a life-time of open wounds. This was it. Now, not never. Take a deep breath, Lily...

I found him just where I expected I would. At a table in the back, where James and I had spied on him with Kathy McKinnon what seemed like years ago. He didn't hear me coming over. He had his face almost in the book he was reading. His gold hair fell sloppily over his face. He was ticking his quill against the table in a persistent nervous motion. I just stood there hoping he would look up and initiate the conversation, so I could delay speaking for as long as possible. He didn't. Merlin, things never go as I plan. Well... I'd come this far...

"Terry?" I whispered?

He lifted his head as though he was just waking up. He stared at me vacantly for a good while before recognition set in. He sat up quickly and sort of flailed his arms around, knocking over the book he'd been reading and sending his notes adrift.

"Oh God! Oh damn, I'm making such a mess, I..." he muttered as he rushed to pick everything up. A page of his notes landed on my shoes so I knelt down to pick it up. It smelt strongly of ink, he'd spilt a great deal on one of the corners. I could tell his handwriting was just as messy as ever from my quick glance. I put the paper on top of the book he'd recovered and slowly sat down across from him.

He breathed in deeply. "So... you found me here..."

I got a good look at his face for the first time. He had a smudge of ink on his cheek and his eyes looked so tired he could barely keep them open. "Yeah. I know where to find a Ravenclaw during NEWT season."

Terry smiled weakly. "I practically live here." He didn't really look at me. Just glanced up then back down, as if there was a weight keeping them focused on the table. He was certainly not making this easy...

"Terry... um... I don't know where to start. I haven't talked to you in so long I've almost forgotten how..." I muttered.

He was flinching with my every word, and I hadn't even said anything yet. God, he was so pitiful to look at! My heart softened despite my will.

"I wanted to apologize about the way I dealt with us... or, you know, how I didn't deal with it."

He looked up at me guiltily. "You have nothing to apologize about."

"Yes, I do," even as I said it, I knew I wasn't just trying to make him feel better. I really meant it. "I owed you that. I owed you the truth of...of how I was feeling; of how you'd made me feel."

"Well, then, let's not even talk about the things I owed you that I didn't give you."

"Yeah... that's true. You... you really let me down," I found myself saying.

Terry shook his head dismally. "I'm so sorry-"

"No," I interrupted him. Oh, this was what I hated about these conversations; I could feel a storm of emotion about to burst out. "It's no use, you being sorry now. You lied to me... not about where you were, or who you were with, but just by still being with me, you were lying." I could feel my voice rising and my face getting warmer and I hated it all but I couldn't stop. "You were saying, 'Lily, I care about you and I want to be with you' and with that you were promising me all this stuff, which included honesty and respect. But you didn't respect me enough to be honest with me."

I paused to breathe a while. He was watching me with a look that wasn't just pity, wasn't just guilt. It was almost unbearable, sitting here across from him, recounting all the ways he'd hurt me. But I had to finish now. Now, or never.

"I cared about you, Terry," I whispered slowly, watching him flinch, feeling my throat constricting, "and you thought I was just a girl."

And there it was. The thing that was really upsetting me. Not just that he'd said that, I hope I will never be that vain. It was that one person could mean so much to you, yet to them you were just a girl, you were like anybody else, you were exchangeable; that was what upset me. That's what made me run away from Terry, from Kathy McKinnon. That's what made me look in the mirror some days and see so much less than I had seen before.

My eyes were beginning to sting. Terry had moved his chair over next to mine and had placed a hand tentatively on my shoulder. I turned my face away from him. I was not going to allow myself to cry... and if I did, I would not let him see.

"Lily, you are not just a girl," he said in a firm whisper. "You are the smartest girl I've met. You're fun and you're never boring. You always believe in things with all that you've got."

Thank Godric and all the other founders I didn't cry! I held it in. I listened to the things Terry was saying, still staring the other way at a meeting of the Gobstones club. I think he was smiling as he spoke, at least I imagined him smiling.

"You're always true with yourself and everyone. If you don't like someone, you would never pretend otherwise. I loved listening to you tell a story - you would get so into it. Lily, you're hilarious, but you don't know it. And absolutely beautiful, too."

I couldn't help it, I blushed. I looked back at him slowly. He looked so familiar. Despite the exhaustion, I was looking at the same blue eyes, the same smile. I was looking at the face of someone that, with time, I could learn to be friends with.

"Lily, I am sorry that I ever said that," he said. "I never meant it. You are not just any girl. I promise, I really did like you. I think you're fantastic. To be honest I was just waiting for the day you found somebody more worth your time."

I pushed him lightly in the shoulder. "Stop boosting my ego, Caldwell. I don't need it that much."

He laughed, leaning in toward me conspiratorially. "I mean every word."

I smiled and reached over to wipe the ink stain off of his face. I knew it then; we would be friends, like we were supposed to be. "I'm glad I finally spoke to you again."

Terry nodded. "I'm glad we did too. You look good, Lily. You look really happy."

"Yeah, I am. And now I also feel... I don't know... at peace with myself." Wait... did that sound cheesy? "Does that sound cheesy?"

He laughed kind of loudly. Someone shushed him angrily. He raised his eyebrows and chuckled more quietly. "No, I know what you mean... I'm getting that a little too. Don't think I'm quite there yet though."

His smile weakened and I was reminded of how worn he looked. Something had definitely changed since we were together. I had a feeling I knew what.

"So... what about Kathy?"

Terry looked taken-aback by my mention of her for a moment, as if her name was taboo between us. But I just kept looking at him patiently. He glanced down and grabbed at one of his note papers, now smudging his fingers with ink. "She hasn't spoken to me since the day you saw us here."

"Oh... I'm sorry."

He shrugged, saying in a would-be nonchalant voice, "Nah, it's my fault too. See, she started getting bothered that I wasn't being fair to you around the time of the food-fight, so after a while I kind of told her I'd talked to you about it."

"Oh, Terry..."

"Yeah, I know. I was really asking for it. When she saw how hurt you were, she just left. She didn't say a word, just grabbed her stuff and walked out. Barely even looks at me anymore. And don't worry, I know that I deserve that."

It was still strange hearing all of this; about the other side of the story, about this other girl... but it was alright. We had paid our last respects to the remains of our relationship. Now all that was left was just two people with their separate sorrows.

"You really screwed things all up," I told him, pushing the inky paper away from him before he could smear ink all over someone else.

"I did. I really did. For you, for me, for her... I couldn't do right by anyone. But, I just couldn't help it. Not the lying, that I should have done differently. I mean with her, I just couldn't help it." He looked at me as if he could convey with the hopelessness in his eyes some secret that was necessary for me to understand. "I liked you a lot, Lily, and I thought I was lucky to be with you. I don't know why it happened with Kathy. I don't even know how to explain it. There are all these little things that she does... things that everybody does, like turning the page of a book. Lily, I think I could watch her read for hours! And... I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I don't know what to do without her."

I could not understand. I had never felt anything so momentous. No one had ever made such an impact in my life. No one had so much as influenced me to change myself... wait. That wasn't true. I thought of James. He had changed me. He really had. I revaluated things I thought I'd known when I was around him. People I thought I knew. I got detentions, I planned revenge, I even went skinny-dipping! Those were all things I would never have done if it weren't for James Potter...

"It sounds dramatic, right?" Terry asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I shook my head. "No," I told him honestly, "it sounds like you're in love."

He just sighed. I guess that was not news to him. "Yeah," was all he said.

I'd never even known anyone that was in love before. Terry seemed like some other kind of species to me. Did love always make people look that sickly? It was a little frightening, I'm not going to lie. We talked for a while longer, and when I had to leave to come to this detention I made him promise me he would get more sleep. Poor Terry. It looks like love has a directly opposite effect on a person's well-being.

So, I guess I'm not in love with James. Not the way Terry loves Kathy. But I won't deny it anymore: I like him. In fact, I like that boy too freaking much for my own health.

But now he hates me! Remember how he was acting oddly irritated during this detention? Well, he's still at it. Acting as if I'm part of the decor of the room, and when he forgets to ignore me, gracing me with a delightful glare. Lovely. And now he's looking at the clock... packing... walking past me... in his business to turn and glare at me one last time, he is tripping on his own feet...and dashing right out of the door. And dear possible reader, he dropped his quill.

I have to speak with him. What am I supposed to do with my days if James Potter won't be my friend?

Farewell!

Lily Evans, Future Diplomat