Alright, wow, so... today is Friday, April 16th and I don't know where to begin. I am so overwhelmed! My fragile nerves can't handle this kind of tension and drama! Sweet Merlin, help me!
You may be wondering, hypothetical reader, why I'm in such exquisite anguish. Well, let me start where I left off in yesterday's journal entry. If you recall, I was chasing after a mysteriously infuriated James...
Damn, he could walk fast. I couldn't even see him anymore as I got out of McGonagall's office. But lucky for me, I was now privy to numerous secret passageways around the castle thanks to - drum roll please - James Potter, yes, the same long-legged bloke that was trying to get away from me using the aforementioned secret passageways. The world is a wonder of irony.
I caught up to him soon enough, likely because he didn't expect me to have followed him. "James! Hey, James, wait!" I called after him.
I heard him make a sound similar to the one Petunia makes when she sees a cockroach, which did wonders for my ego, by the way, but otherwise he showed no signs of having heard me. What was wrong with him?
"James!" I said more loudly.
He threw his hands up in exasperation, making squeaking sounds with his shoes as he turned to face me. "What, Lily?"
I inspected his face carefully as I walked up to him. "Are you alright?"
"I'm great," he growled.
"Well... you don't sound great..."
"Am I required to sound great all the time?" he asked, returning to his extremely determined stride away from me.
"No, that's why I was asking you-"
"So give me some bloody space!"He didn't even turn to look at me as he shouted this, just kept trudging on as if it were his absolute purpose in life.
“James, I don’t understand you. Why are you being so huffy?” I demanded.
“Huffy? God, Lily! I’m not being goddamn huffy!” he huffed, soundly proving my point.
“See!” I exclaimed, “That’s what I mean. What’s with your sudden huffing tone?” We were now running up a flight of stairs. That is to say, I was running up a flight of stairs trying to keep up with him as he walked up a flight of stairs. So… many… stairs! A lack of physical prowess might yet prove to be my downfall.
In response, he began to grumble. Oh, well, really James, you’ve plowed me over with your drastic attitude alteration.
“James, the last time you acted like this toward me, you were calling me a stuck-up meathead! Have we really gone back to that?”
“Oh, yes, I remember. That was right after you called me an ignorant prat which by the way was extremely original of you, Lily, I'll award you a gold star,” he retorted.
I paused for one indignant moment as we reached the top of the stairs. “Oh! That’s how it is? Look, James, I asked you what was up and I am really trying not to lose my temper here, but you’re making it impossibly difficult.”
“Well, I’m so very sorry to inconvenience you with my asinine problems, Lily,” he finished, enunciating my name with an incredibly unpleasant snarl which made me cringe against my will.
“But you won’t even tell me what the problem is!” I tried to plead once more. He is so very… unbelievable! He can make me ache and hate him all at once. I wanted to both apologize for my mysterious offense and to impale him onto a very pointy shish-kabob.
“THERE’S NO PROBLEM, LILY!” he absolutely roared, finally stopping and turning toward me. Clearly, James Potter is problem-less. “My only problem right now is that you won’t quit nagging me!”
I stood still, breathing deeply and seething. It’s a good thing no one popped by asking me to hold any motion sensitive bombs; I would have blown us all to Timbuktu. “Nagging? I’m nagging you? Alright then, fine. Just fine! You can go off and study for NEWT’s on your own, Mr. Etiquette. Who’s keeping you? Go wherever the hell you want! I’m going back to the library, hopefully people there won’t be as insensitive and gormless as-”
“Go then!” he bellowed at me. Some hapless second-years that had been turning onto our hall scampered away at the sound, as if someone had just threatened to pour fire ants down their pants. “Go back to the library to study with your precious boyfriend. Quit nagging me and leave!”
He stood there, electrically red, glaring daggers at me as I spluttered in utter disbelief. “What?”
“I’m sorry, weren’t you leaving?”
“James, you’re out of your mind if you think that I’m-”
"No, I’m not the one that’s out of his mind.” He took several angry steps towards me. I wouldn’t have been surprised if sparks had been firing off in the space between us. “I saw you over there talking to Terry for all of ten seconds and that was enough. I saw you smiling at him, just the way you used to. So…” he searched for an adjective, looking so disgusted there might have been a rotting corpse in the hall. “So freaking naïve. And after all that… After everything I did to show you what he was like. I can’t believe you!”
I am positive that in all of my experience hating his guts I had never been as infuriated with him as I was at that moment.
"Oh my God! You're an absolute idiot, James Potter. How dare you say that? You don't know anything! Arggh, you stupid bespectacled chimp!" I yelled this completely rational insult and began storming away.
I was imagining James' face on the ground as I stomped away, trying my hardest to inflict pain on the very Earth. I was so furious I didn't even know where I was going. All I could think of was his stupid face, and his stupid accusations, and his stupid sneer, and-
"Your stupid spectacles!" I turned and yelled at him, continuing my trend of extremely sensible insults.
"Excuse me?" he drawled from where he stood a short distance away.
"You're jealous!" I shouted at him. How I managed to arrive upon this far more lucid thought is beyond me; there's a very large possibility that I hadn't actually rationalized my way to it, I just wanted to continue yelling at him. "You stupendous jealous idiot! Do you want to know what Terry and I were actually talking about while you were lurking behind some bookcase spying on us, or do you want to continue throwing all of your own half-baked assumptions at me?" I had stayed where I was as I yelled, watching his angry (albeit silent) face. "We were finally having our talk, the one I've been avoiding for more than a month, the one about the end of our relationship. We were talking about Kathy McKinnon and how Terry is completely lost in love with her, not me. And while we were talking I was realizing how much I like you, not Terry. How could I possibly like anyone else if I fancy you this much! But instead of letting me explain this to you myself, like a normal, respectful human being would do, you go off on a jealous rant! Well then, fine. I won't tell you, and I will go back to the library."
Dear potential reader, if you are wondering whether I realized that I had just made a pretty momentous declaration, I will tell you... no. I did not. I turned on my heels, not noticing his utterly shocked face, and stormed my way toward the library.
Goodness, was he infuriating! So annoying, and unreasonable, and scathing, not to mention stupid and -
"No, Lily, wait!"
-and damn it, he was running after me.
"Lily, I'm sorry, wait, stop running, please? Please wait? I'm sorry!"
"I'm glad that you're sorry," I shouted after him as I continued my march away from him (which had, in all honesty, turned into more of a brisk jog), "but I don't want to talk to you about it just now!"
"I know, I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot. But if you would just wait, then I could-" And suddenly he was beside me, grabbing hold of my arm.
I yelped like a puppy and tried to pull away, but he was much too strong for me. Of course.
In one swift movement, before I could yelp enough for an entire litter of puppies, he had placed his hands firmly on my shoulders and had successfully steered me away from my intended path, and instead, toward the wall to my right. I was trapped, so I looked at his face and it was so intent. His hazel eyes were boring into mine, I could distinctly hear his breathing and my flustered heart skipped a beat - and then another.
"I'm sorry," he breathed.
It took me a while to form the words on my lips. the longer I stared at his eyes, the more my anger fizzled. "Okay... but I don't want to talk about it just-"
"I'm sorry," he repeated, annihilating my protests, "I'm sorry that I shouted at you, that I accused you of anything." He let his hands fall from my shoulders and he took a step away from me. I stayed exactly where he had left me, with my back to the wall. "I should have just asked you first. You're completely right; I am a stupid bespectacled chimp," his lips twitched into a smile as he said this. We just stood there for a while, him waiting for some sort of reaction from me, I'm guessing, and me staring at his lips - I mean...um, his very serious face... Gosh, I really needed to see a doctor about these crazy heart palpitations!
"You were right about something else," he continued when I said nothing. He glanced down at the floor, ran a hand nervously through his hair and I caught a whiff of his scent as he did this; freshness and wood splinters. "I was. Erm, I was jealous, I mean. I've actually never been that jealous."
He was jealous... he actually was jealous? Alright... my mind was having a very slow time of taking it all in. My breathing was funny and my heart was frenetic and my mind was mush. "But... we weren't even doing anything... we were just talking."
"Yeah, I know. But it was the way you were talking. You were sitting really close, and it seemed really intimate. You even touched his face," he explained, looking glum even as he relived the memory.
"Yes," I interrupted, wanting to defend myself, "but I wasn't-"
"I know," James interrupted me right back, glancing down at my feet before he looked into my eyes. In one crazy moment, I had thought I could feel my toes smoldering. "But I just saw you, and I jumped to conclusions, and, I don't know, I couldn't help it. For the first time I felt like I was going to be losing something if you were dating someone else. I'm aware that I acted ridiculously back in fifth year when I started asking you out." He chuckled darkly a little at the memory. "I was so full of myself that I really thought you were just playing hard to get. But believe me, after I realized you were serious, I knew I didn't have a chance. Not unless you underwent some sort of brain surgery or you drastically changed your mind about me. Lately, since we've become friends I've been hoping - daydreaming, even - that I might have a shot. I've been trying to figure out what to do about you for a long time now. And then I saw you in the library with Terry, you were having a grand old time and all... I panicked."
Absurdly, my most prominent thought after he finished speaking was that he had said 'a grand old time'. That's something my great-aunt Polly used to say about the Bingo. The next thought was a dizzy question. "Why?"
James looked at me, nervous, but amused. "Why did I panic? Come on, Lily, you know this. I'm crazy about you."
...So I guess he hadn't been asserting our platonic relationship... he had outright told me 'he was crazy about me'. Good. Now my brain could process it. My reaction was to grin like a shameless fool. I absolutely could not help it. "I don't fancy Terry," I said.
My happiness hadn't quite gotten to him yet. He took a step toward me, looked at me seriously and said, "You don't fancy Terry anymore?"
My poor little heart going berserk, I took a step toward him as well and shook my head. "Not at all."
He finally smiled at me and it made me want to smile even wider, which was not actually a possible thing. He came closer to me and took one of my hands in his. He touched my wrist and my fingers gently, as if making sure they were real. With his other hand he reached toward my face and I closed my eyes. I felt him slowly trace my jaw line with a finger, then he let his hand slide down my neck and all of my nerves were on fire. It came to rest just above my heart. A finger was grazing my bra strap, but both of his eyes were staring straight into mine as I opened them again.
I'm not exactly sure how long we were watching each other, moving slowly closer; my logical functions had pretty much abandoned me at the time. All day today, whenever I found myself reliving the moment, which admittedly happened at a frequency on par with remembering to breathe, I recalled a shyness and a tenderness that I almost couldn't stand. When he finally kissed me, there were no fireworks going off, just the silent rhythm of his heart against mine and a breathtaking warmth spreading throughout my entire body.
He pulled away too soon and looked at me questioningly. Apparently I still hadn't given him enough assurance of my consent. I pulled my hand out of his, at which he frowned, but before he could panic again (eccentric boy that he is) I had sort of flung my arms around his neck. Thus began the longest, best, most absurd snogging session I've ever had. James had lifted me off the ground, I had wrapped my legs around his hips, our hands were in each other's hair, his glasses went flying God-knows-where. It was, how shall I put this... gloriously thrilling. We carried on this way for a good half hour before we were unceremoniously interrupted by an outraged Professor Flitwick, who was initially under the impression that we were attacking each other, and once made aware that this was not exactly the case, became so flustered that, as he bid us goodnight with a warning, he called us 'Ms. Pevans and Mr. Otter'.
So, hypothetically bewildered reader, that is the story of how I snogged James Potter. James Potter, the same bloke I swore I would hate for all eternity, the same bloke into who's hair I smeared pie not three months ago, the same bloke that just turned around to look at me now and is making me feel helplessly dizzy.
How am I supposed to think about anything else? I've been breathless all day, waiting for the moments when we exchange a secret glance, or the times when our hands meet under the table. I'm sure Sophie and Rich have noticed a change. Oh goodness, what do I tell them? What did James tell his friends? I'm quite positive Professor Flitwick hasn't told McGonagall yet because she hasn't come up to us offering her congratulations or proposed she be the Maid of Honor at our impending nuptials.
What should I do? I know exactly what I want to do and that is snog James senseless right after this detention is over. Thank Merlin it's 8:29! Goodbye, dear reader! I've got places to be.
Sincerely, Lily Pevans