Dear possibly non-existent reader, I suck at revenge. I am a pathetic excuse for a person seeking vengeance. I stink. I am hopeless. I do not deserve the praise I receive for my intelligence. I have absolutely no talent when it comes to that. I am laughably disastrous. I go way past mediocre. I’ve run out of ways in which to degrade myself. Not that I deserve that, mind you.
Not only was my revenge completely silly and useless, it also backfired. The only thing I gained from it was more quality time with James Potter and lying in a Hospital Wing bed for two days. I am a formless idiot.
And I was also wrong about Rich wanting to help. Apparently, James helped him hook up with one of the fifth year players on the Quidditch team and now he is eternally grateful, or some similar shit like that. He could not for the life of him do anything to help me wrong James Potter. Well, he doesn’t understand that I am not wronging anyone, I am merely giving the Twit what he’s earned. Either way, Rich won’t help and will also rarely unglue himself from his new girlfriend. Add that to the fact that Terry is often with his study group, and Sophie is presently always with Sirius. It is understandable that I was quite lonely this whole past week and that should have given me time to think up a decent plan, right? No, wrong. This brings me back to my complete lack of revengeful skills.
So, the only thing I could think up was to play on him the kind of prank him and his mates were so fond of a while back. The kind that doesn’t get me into more trouble since that is the last thing I need right now. Okay, so today it is…what day is it...? Ah, yes, of course, it is Monday the sixth of March. This is how my revenge went…
Early in the morning of Thursday I snuck up into the seventh year boy’s dorm, wand in hand. I had a ridiculous little idea of a way to humiliate him. But then, I had a ton of such little ideas that I thought, if added together, would be adequate enough. So I snuck up into their dorm, making sure I was extremely quiet, made my silent way towards Potter’s bed and pulled back the curtains.
Did you know the boy snores like hell? It sounded like an earthquake. He was laying there, his mouth wide and deafening, with the blankets shoved off his chest completely. He wasn’t wearing a shirt either, I noticed before I averted my eyes quickly. I then glanced down at his lower half and tentatively reached out a hand to push back the blankets. I then proceeded to take out my wand and aim an aguamenti between his legs.
I stepped away, very pleased. It looked as if he’d wet himself and I knew his friends would not let him hear the end of it if they saw that. The problem was that he began to wake.
He blinked his eyes groggily and focused them on my horrified self frowning.
“What are you doing here?” His words were slurred and his eyes kept closing again. He was still half asleep. I decided to take that to my advantage.
“Nothing James. Go back to sleep,” I whispered, easing my way toward the door.
He was still blinking stupidly at me. He lifted himself off the bed a little. I couldn’t help glance at his chest again. He may be an idiot but I can’t deny he is…well…sort of fit. Although, that doesn’t hold an ounce of importance. Really.
“Why are you in my room?” he asked.
“It’s…” I said with a shaking voice and beating heart as my hand made contact with the handle. “It’s just a dream, James. Now, go back to sleep.”
He stared for a few more seconds before flopping back onto his pillows. He had begun to snore again.
I rolled my eyes and sighed in relief as I eased myself out. As far as I was concerned the first part of ‘Operation Humiliate Potter’ (I didn’t really name it that, I just think it’s a good name) was a complete success with a minor miscalculation.
And indeed, when they entered the Great Hall for breakfast Sirius was laughing heartily at some joke he had made along with Peter. Remus looked as if he wanted to laugh but tried to hide it. And James…he looked a little mortified. He was bright red, with pursed lips, and he looked at the floor rather than at his friends. I beamed.
To my great pleasure they sat not too far from me. Well, it wasn’t coincidental or anything because Sirius chose to sit directly beside Sophie, who was sitting across from me. He didn’t make anymore jokes about Potter’s ‘accident’ in our presence, sadly enough. I would have liked to hear some. Though I did, with difficulty, hear him mutter to his best friend, “So, were you dreaming of Evans last night?”
Potter glowered at him and looked away, still slightly red in the face.
Well, it didn’t take long for him to recover. By first period he was already back to his normal self and so were his friends. He glanced at me like he always did, though he looked more confused than anything these times. Perhaps he remembered part of our brief encounter.
The next step of my plan was executed in the History of Magic classroom. I chose that class because Professor Binns is so disconnected from the world of the living I doubt he would notice if a bomb went off right under his nose. Anticipating where Potter would sit (as he always sat in the same place, the right chair of the middle back aisle) I placed an odorizing pellet I’d found in Rich’s trunk upon it and placed a Disillusionment charm on it. Then I went to sit at my seat, waiting for the rest of the class to arrive and to humiliate Potter once more.
Well, five minutes later the whole class had arrived. Everyone but Potter and his clan, that is. This is where my plan starts to go wrong.
I waited some more in anxiety, but he didn’t show up and neither did his friends. And then, to my absolute horror, Remus and Peter came in, just the two of them, and took Sirius and James’s usual seats.
Yes, Remus Lupin, the boy I have absolutely nothing against, made himself the victim of the prank intended for Potter by sitting in his friend’s seat. I resisted the urge to moan by biting down on my lip so severely it bled a little. I smacked my hands over my head and stomped my feet. What was I to do? I was in agony; I felt so guilty. Remus may sometimes overlook his mate’s stupid antics but he didn’t deserve this.
Well, I had to risk getting caught by casting a non-verbal de-odorizing charm toward him. Luckily, I did not get caught, but that would be the only lucky thing that would happen to me there on after.
Instead of blaming myself for this little incident, I blamed it on Potter for not attending class. Had he not skipped the lesson I would not have accidentally made Remus smell like a pig. It was true. Of course, I had some blame too for wanting to make Potter smell like a pig in the first place. But he deserves it, so that’s beside the point.
So, after two lessons went by and it was time for lunch I went after Potter through the hallways in the hopes that I could carry out another one of my pranks. There was one I liked very much that involved a whoopee-cushion and another one involving some magical handcuffs. One might think it was strange that I get excited about such things, like breaking the rules, because it isn’t something I usually do. Well, let’s just say Potter has a way to turn my life entirely upside down. And I do not like it; I do not like it at all.
I also did not like the fact Potter and Black had missed class. Not for the reasons every other girl in school would not like it, not because I missed the distraction their baffling beauty provided (yes, I have heard several girls claim the exact thing, what of it?), no, but because whenever they skip class it means they are up to something. And whenever James Potter is up to something, you can bet Lily Evans will somehow end up involved. And Lily Evans does not like being involved with James Potter. If you, hypothetical reader, have read all the way here from the beginning you will find that events rarely take Lily Evans’s wishes into consideration. The universe is in absolute love with me, isn’t it obvious?
So, there I was, searching and searching. I did not even notice the time go by. I really didn’t, honestly. I did notice however, when Potter came running through a corridor to my left and collided painfully with me, knocking us both to the floor. It is hard not to notice someone when they are lying on top of you.
“Get off, you oaf!” I screamed, whacking him on the chest repeatedly.
His eyes and mouth were very wide as he stuttered, “L-Lily! What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, now would you mind moving?” I continued to pound his chest to no avail.
“You were looking for me?” he asked curiously as he lifted his weight from me to support himself on his arms. That still didn’t allow me anyway to escape though. “Why?” he persisted.
“I-said-MOVE!” I yelled. I used all of my strength to push at his shoulder, but he only chuckled at my feeble attempts.
Physical strength better not be of any importance in the future. If it is, I am doomed.
Potter finally lifted himself off of me and offered his hand to help me up. I ignored it and began to wipe myself as I stood. He scowled at the action and proceeded to wipe himself as well, in a ridiculously exaggerated way.
Frowning, I put my hands on my hips and asked, “So, why did you miss History of Magic?”
He frowned at me as well, tilting his head to the side suspiciously and retorting, “Why are you so interested?”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “You know Potter; I could report you to McGonagall for skipping.”
He blinked for a while then threw his head back and howled with laughter.
“God, Lily, how would you tell her that the method you used to catch me skipping class was skipping yourself?”
I gasped and glanced at my watch. He was right; I was ten minutes late for Transfiguration. Groaning, I turned around and ran as fast as I could toward the third floor.
Potter was following me, still laughing. Obviously to him being late for class is something normal. No cause for alarm, no need to panic. Well, excuse me if I can’t be that nonchalant. I was freaking out; I had never been late to class. Why was it that Potter inspired the first times of so many things I wished never to do?
“Lily, Merlin, calm down. And why were you off looking for me during class?”
“Because Potter, I missed you terribly and couldn’t wait another second to proclaim my deep devotion to you. Because you can’t be left unsupervised, you idiot! I just know you’re up to something.”
Despite the situation, it always felt good to throw some cutting sarcasm at him.
“I was at the Headmaster’s, Lily; I wasn’t plotting anything against you. You can go ask Dumbledore himself, if you feel the need to,” he told me, as we made it onto the third floor. My heart was beating faster as we approached the classroom door.
I truly couldn’t have been stupider if I had been getting paid for it. But I would rather go skinny-dipping in the Lake while watched by a very large audience than admit that to Potter so I grumbled, “Well, at least one of us has an alibi.” And then I opened the door.
The whole class turned around to stare at us as we burst through the door, flushed and breathless. The threatening look was beginning to form on McGonagall’s face and people were giving us very curious looks as well. My mouth had gone dry. Professor McGonagall was standing there, expecting me to give her a worthy excuse as to why I was late. I didn’t have one.
But before I could say a word, Potter spoke up.
“Sorry we were late Professor. We were speaking to Dumbledore about some of our Head duties and lost track of time. But the Professor said it would be okay.” He smiled apologetically and moved to take his seat next to Sirius, who still had his eyebrows raised at us.
“Oh, fine, fine,” Professor McGonagall waved it off. “Now, every one return to your reading of chapter nine.”
I didn’t move. I stared gapingly at Potter who busied himself by searching for his book. I couldn’t believe it. James Potter, do something courageous and gentlemanly? I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe.
“Miss Evans, why haven’t you taken your seat?” McGonagall asked me.
I scurried away to a seat in the back and took out my book, still in shock. I glanced over at Potter. He smiled and winked at me then returned to his reading. I couldn’t help but blush, even though I hated myself for it.
I read the same line in my Transfiguration book about eight times without taking in a word of what it said.
So, fine, I admit: I was an idiot. I know that now. Unfortunately, ‘now’ is the key word in that last sentence. By that I mean that I did not know it then. At the time I was horribly embarrassed and refused to admit I had gotten carried away. Which led me to continue Operation Humiliate Potter. This is where things go really wrong.
I decided to lay low for a day. Boy, how that day lasted long. I hated being at Potter’s mercy. It was horrible. I wanted things to go back to the safe game of ‘you like me, but I hate you’. I wanted to try a few more pranks on him. After all, he wouldn’t know it was me.
Saturday morning, before anyone should be awake at all, I was back in the boy’s dorm. This time I was tying Potter’s shoelaces together. I know, I know…childish, but I did have better things up my sleeve. I just never got the chance to carry them through.
Well, I decided for some godforsaken reason that it wouldn’t hurt to listen at the door of their dorm, just to hear Potter trip and fall to the ground.
So there I sat, crouched down with my ear to the door listening to Sirius beat Peter with a pillow for waking him up by falling out of bed. Then, I listened to Remus lecture them on how to properly sort out their disagreements. And then along came Potter and told Remus to shut up, he liked watching them bicker. Remus sighed and told them all he gave up; they were going straight to hell. No, maybe that was just my fertile imagination getting the better of me.
Here comes the good part. I was sitting there snickering when the door opened. Remus stood there staring at me. He frowned.
“Lily, what are you doing at our door?”
Before I had the chance to be properly mortified, Potter called out jubilantly, “Evans!”
He had on jeans and no shirt and was stuffing his trainer on while he hopped around on the other, making his way toward the door. He, apparently, did not notice the lace stretched between both his feet. He was smiling very big. That is, until he put his other foot down and tried to take an actual step. Then he began to look very unhappy indeed.
He tripped, just as I hoped he would. But he didn’t land on the floor, no, he landed on me for the second time that week. He had hopped all the way to the door, and once he got there he took a step out towards me. That is where gravity did its thing. I screamed, and he screamed. I was knocked backward, and he was hurtled face first at me. We rolled all the way down the spiral stairs, hitting the wall repeatedly as we went down, cursing and waking up every house member and quite possibly every other living being within five miles of us.
Possibly non-existent reader, have you ever fallen down a flight of stairs? Let me tell you, it is not fun. I landed in a heap on the common room floor to loud gasping and shrieking. I could feel my arm bent in a funny way, and my ankle was dripping blood into my socks. My head hurt so bad it felt like there was a heavy metal band playing inside of it. As if that weren’t enough, along came Potter again to land on top of me. Needless to say, it was a wonderful experience.
I hope that explains how I landed in the Hospital Wing. I broke my arm, my ankle, fractured my skull and my body was so bruised even the pillows hurt it. Potter was just as bad, only he passed out immediately after landing on top of me. Convenient, no?
Madame Pomfrey kept us in there for two days. And yes, I felt very guilty and stupid throughout those two days. I also could not sleep at night because of the awful medicine Madame Pomfrey gave us for internal scarring and yes, I actually held a conversation with Potter which consisted of more than hate, disdain, sarcasm and unreturned feelings. But no time for that now.
Well, I will be back tomorrow, so fear not. Right now I need to go reflect some more on how tying someone’s shoelaces together is an act of pure evil. I should know.
Lily Evans.
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Okay, so now you don't hate me because you've finally read this, right? Oh, you still hate me...oh, okay, *sniffs*...
First, I'd like to say thanks and goodbye to my old beta, JC_Cainstone. You were great and I'll miss you! *sniffs again* And also, thanks to my new and equally wonderful beta cAughtonFire!
Also, to all of you who read my Ron/Hermoine one-shot, A Reason for Beauty, the Harry/Ginny sequel is now up. It's called A Reason to Hope and I secretly like it even better...and to those of you who didn't, it's up anyway...*hinthint*...
So, thanks to everyone who gave me ideas. I think by now you know how much I love reviews, right? Doesn't that little piece of information just make you want to pout your soul out to that beautiful white box down there..? No? Oh, okay. *Sniffs again*
The Epic Tale of the Hogwarts Food-fight by Gin_Drinka
Chapter Notes: *Sighs* I'm getting tired of writing this. Well, hopefully this time you'll be able to read it...and enjoy!
NOTE TO THE MOD: I would like to request Rachel mod this. Thanks!