The Summer of Ninety Seven by SevenAndMoreToGo
Chapter Notes: DISCLAIMER: Well everyone knows that a certain Muggle-born witch owns all the characters, rights, indices and well 'outdices'. Anyone attempting plagiarism will award himself as much notoriety as Saddam Hussein. So please keep this in mind while reading and forgive my seemingly lack of inventiveness
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sands of time blew softly over an abandoned crumbling Muggle house in the village of Little Hangleton. Far away an owl softly hooted while leaves fluttered with the swirling wind. There was a sudden screeching sound of bats and thick dark smoke issuing from the chimney. To add to this eerie picture, two Dementors flanked the dilapidated wooden door, occasionally issuing their decayed, scabbed hands to display a threatening gesture or to scratch when it itched.
An ethereal music, composed by John Williams played softly in the background while a tarnished WB logo zoomed out towards the reader.
There was a sudden chugging sound from the chimney.
'Swear it wasn’t me,' said one of the Dementors quickly.
There was a loud, anguished melodramatic 'NOOOOOOOO…' from inside the house.
As a lighting bolt struck suddenly, a monstrous sight met the eyes: a certain Dark Lord seated atop a high chair with a perturbed expression on his face and a pair of sycophant buttocks peeping from the fireplace
'Wormtail, You have completely ruined it!' shouted Voldemort.
'I’m trying master, I’m trying!' came a muffled sound from inside the fireplace where a five foot tall, pot-bellied bedraggled-robed buck-toothed servant was stuck, his wand groping aimlessly through the ashes and his silver hand, itching to reach a temporarily unavailable body part.
'For a whole month, I, Lord ‘Better-than-Grindel’ Voldemort, have been trying to make ghostly green mist emanate from this chimney to scare the hell out of the Muggles who live in this village, and all that comes out is smoke?' shrieked the Lord
'Well, at least it’s ‘Dark’?' stammered Wormtail.
'Cruc off, Wormtail!' swore the Lord, showing a rude hand gesture, 'You are no use to me; in fact, Snape…'
Wormtail turned around and straightened himself.
'Snape, Snape, Snape!' he said, 'don’t I mean anything to you master? I gave you a new life in book 4! I stood by you even though other Death Eaters (clever ones, them!) fled, got carted off to Azkaban and a variety of other stuff. I, abandoned my old family, my rat friends (Cheesballs, Big Ears Little Paw, Wickey Mouse I miss you!) and came all the way to Albania, helped you with Dark spells, large stone cauldrons, milked Nagini while avoiding her bite, lured Bertha Jorkins…'
Voldemort listened with a bored expression on his face.
'See Wormtail, it’s not that you’ve not been use to me, it’s just that…'
'That?'
'That you are kind of …dumpy,'
'Dumpy?' The rat like eyes turned into watery reservoirs.
'I mean look at you! 4 feet 11 inches tall, 180 pounds in weight and so lackluster when it comes to style, I mean look at you,' he said as though trying to make him see reason, 'Even after I become the Greatest Darkest Sorcerer of All Time in The History of Wizardkind, Thank You Very Much; I still would look like a joke walking around with you. Think of it, a tall, green, handsome…'
'..bald…'
'Do not interrupt me, Wormtail!' bellowed Voldemort and pointed his wand at him. Wormtail prepared himself to dance in pain but only got a sharp poke with it in his eye.
'…A tall, green, handsome Dark Lord walking around with a Semi-Squib, Three Quarters-Mudblood, Animagus-Rat Jiggling Jar of Jell-O!' continued our Lord as though nothing had happened, 'Think of it Wormtail, the negative impression it would give! Even Mudbloods would laugh at us!'
There was another bolt of thunder which illuminated the bewildered face of Wormtail.
The truth had come out at last, why Voldemort preferred Severus ‘Greasy-Hair-Spray’ Snape and Lucius ‘Azkaban-Without-Dementors-is-like-a-Hotel’ Malfoy over him, Peter ‘I-Love-Cheese’ Pettigrew: it was because they were thin, sophisticated and stylish…and he was round, dumb and well dumb!
He looked at his reflection in the mirror behind him.
But there was still something, something, he thought, which I have and the other Death Eaters don’t… my charming personality, my chick-magnetism and…and…information, information which even the Dark Lord knows not…!
But this information would give Voldemort an upper hand in the coming war. Voldemort didn’t yet know that Snape had killed Dumbledore, neither did he know that all the Death Eaters and Muggles knew about the Horcruxes and the full contents of the prophecy. The release of ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ had changed everything…
But could he really tell him everything? Deep down inside he didn’t want Voldemort to win; not because he had a life debt to Harry Potter but because he couldn’t live on Basilisk milk all day.
'What is it Wormtail?' suddenly said Voldemort, making the Ratman jump, 'Is there something you want to tell me?'
'Master how did you…but of course, Legilimency,'
'No, you dolt, I saw your dimwitted expression in the mirror…so what is it that you want to give me? Snivelling apologies? Futile information? Or stories of deep regret?'
Wormtail fidgeted with his robes.
'Actually I er..I have some very useful information for you..' he muttered.
There, he’d said it, now there was no turning back. Either he cough up, or be Kedavra’ed.
'I’ve read the sixth book,' he said finally, his eyes tightly closed.
'You have?' said Voldemort almost standing up, 'tell me what happened? Did Draco succeed? Did Potter die? And most important of all, did Harry Potter get a girlfriend? TELL ME!'
Wormtail began. He told everything, about how Potter now knew about the Horcruxes, about how he was now going to find them, and about how Dumbledore had died.
But all that came out of his mouth was the sounds of agonized constipated cattle and fifty musical saws.
'Mermish! But of course!' screamed Voldemort, 'The blonde Mudblood has put an Infidelius Charm on the book!'
'What’s an Infidelius Charm?' Wormtail asked innocently
Voldemort stared at him
'Wormtail, don’t you know?'
'I do, but the readers don’t. You’ll have to tell them.'
Voldemort paced the room in a dramatic manner, sat down in an armchair near the fire and made up a somber expression on his face with a deep voice.
'The Infedilius Charm,' he said mysteriously, 'can be placed on a secret so that it can not reveal itself to a single soul known as the Infidel. J K Rowling has put this Charm against meeeee!' he bawled, 'A-And so I can’t read book 6! Nor can anyone dictate it to me, it all comes out in Mermishhh!' and he began to cry adamantly.
Wormtail didn’t know what to do.
'I don’t know what to do, my Lord' he said
'I know! It’s written up there! Don’t repeat it!'
So Wormtail began his usual flattering, about how Voldemort was the greatest Dark Lord who ever lived and how he scared people with his unflinching, unfathomable face, void of any tear-stricken, emotion-driven and disgustingly humane facial expressions.
Voldemort lifted up his head, sniffled, wiped his puffy eyes, put on a crinkly Hagrid-like smile and said innocently, 'Really?'
'Really,'
'And…And I’m the greatest Dark Lord? Better than Grindelwald?'
'Yes, yes better'
'And even better than Salazar Slytherin?'
'Ummm….'
'COME ON WORMTAIL, SAY YES!'
'Of..of course! But he knew 119 spells to create serpents, you know,' said Wormtail blatantly unaware what such a statement would cost him.
'But I know 120, HA!' gloated Voldemort, standing up suddenly, 'Any one can do those baby spells like Serpensortia, Vapori Viperi, Pythonio Producio, Come-on Cobra, Arrivuluss Annacondiss…but I can so the King of them all!'
'Lemme guess,' said Wormtail boredly, 'Accio Nagini,'
There was a moment’s silence, only to filled in a second by Wormtail’s strickened shrieks.
Next day, early morning as the first rays of the sun (the Dementors fled) touched the Dark crumbling remains of Tom Riddle’s house in Little Hangleton, Voldemort himself could be seen reclining on the couch in boxer shorts, reading the last few pages of ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ (which had thankfully been saved by the Infedilus Charm), his servant Wormtail was snuggled on a mat near the fireplace while Nagini was coiled up on Voldemort’s bed, snoozing peacefully.
‘HA!’ said Voldemort snapping the book shut, which made Wormtail jump, ‘I have done it at last! After two months hard work…’
Wormtail forgot his sleep.
‘Am I now going to hear that Evilly-Dark-cum-Darkly-Evil Plan which you’ve been Plotting for months to get Harry Potter killed, wipe off the wizard race and be crowned as the Darkest Sorcerer Who Ever Existed?’ he demanded anxiously.
‘No silly,’ said Voldemort, ‘I finished this goddamn book!’
‘I’ve still not decided my next move,’ he continued, pulling a chart where a seven-point-agenda was written.
The Dark Lord’s Seven-Point Agenda
1991: Try to get the Philological Stone
1992: Do nothing; avoid being blown off by hi-speed Albanian winds
1993: Wait for a Death Eater/Trusted Servant to find me; possess animals for the heck of it!
1994: Brew up that Quidditch Cup/Goblet of Fire thing, get Potter to me, regain body, kill boy
1995: Retrieve prophecy, kill the Potter boy
1996: Give Draco Malfoy job to kill Dumbledore (and imagine what fruitless attempts he makes)
1997: …
Success Rate: 9% (could resist the Albanian winds)
Voldemort stared thoughtfully at this parchment.
'What do I do next?' Voldemort pondered, 'when I don't even know whether my last plan has succeeded or not?'
Wormtail could not tell Voldemort that Dumbledore was dead and even Snape or any of the other Death Eaters had not given Voldemort the details.
But Wormtail, thanks to his keen eye and Harry Potter fansites knew where Potter would be going this summer…
'Umm, I know what we could do next…master,’ said Wormtail cautiously, ‘how about we go to the Burrow?’
Incredible! No mermish words!
'The Burrow, eh?' said Voldemort turning to him, 'Wormtail, just because you are a rat and I snake, doesn't mean we start cracking jokes about burrows, ok?'
'No, my Lord,' said Wormtail exasperatedly, 'The Burrow! The blood traitors' home, don't you remember Books 2 and 4?'
Voldemort consided for a moment.
'But why should we go there?'
Wormtail said, 'Potter's going to be there!' quickly, but the Charm was strong and mermish came out.
'Why should we go there?' repeated Voldemort, 'you are saying as though Potter and his party are going to be there, celebrating, despite these troubled times, the wedding of…of…a part Veela with a part Werewolf!'
Wormtail brightened, 'Yes! Something like that!'
'Soooo…... Potter's going to be there, eh?' said Voldemort fiddling with the strap of his boxers.
Wormtial nodded, what a stroke of luck!
'Well, I should change into something fitting then!' and he threw open his wardrobe to reveal seven identical faded black robes.
'Help me choose, Wormtail!'
Wormtail sighed.
After an hour's scrambling and several Cruciatus curses, Voldmort finally selected the suitable robes and threw away his boxers in the corner of his bed.
'So, Wormtail,' he announced confidently, 'time to move!'
'B-but sir,' squeaked Wormtail (literally), 'won't we need a disguise?'
Voldemort crucio'ed him and said, 'Fair point, Wormy'
He disappeared under his bed and after some rummaging, emerged with a box marked, 'Effectively Secret Dark Lord and His Minion Disguises That Can Fool Even Dumbledore'
He opened them excitedly.
All Wormtail saw was a blonde wig, a black handlebar moustache and Wendy Witch's #5 Acid-Green Full-Gloss Wet-Shine Lipstick.
'Here's your disguise,' said Voldemort, roughly propping the wig on Wormtail's head and giving his lips the Wet-Shine look, 'and here's mine...' he hoisted the moustache on his upper lip, 'so how do I look? Mysterious, eh?'
'Hardly discernable,' sighed Wormtail, 'you'd pass as a Ministry official.'
'Perfect,' said Voldemort, 'now, we need to decide the mode of transportation…'
Wormtail sighed again.
'Appartition?' he suggested, 'Broomsticks? Portkeys? Floo Powder?'
There was a burst of light from Voldemort's wand and a wince of pain after every suggestion.
'I mean, something different, yet nostalgic!' Voldemort explained irritated, 'Broomsticks and Apparitions are boring and already mentioned in the books. How about….trains?' his eyes gleamed
'But my Lord, would a train take us to the Burrow, it's not like there are a lot of wizard trains running around the country? In fact, apart from Hogwarts Express…'
But Voldemort unearthed a list of trains and their timings.
1. The Godric's Hollow Express
2. The Grimmauld Place Express
3. The Voldemort's Scary Horcrux Cave Express
4. The Ministry of Magic Express
.
.
10. The Burrow Express
'Aha! All places mentioned in the book!' exclaimed Voldemort, 'fill the ticket order form today and send it Wormtail; I need the tickets by tomorrow!'
Then he turned around, facing the readers and wearing an unforgiving expression.
'This time, Harry Potter will be mine…..', he said in a creepy, cold fashion, 'I will tear his body from limb to limb and make him pay for all the agony he's caused me…'
He swiveled to turn slowly towards Wormtail, who cowered.
'TO THE BURROW!' Voldemort screamed suddenly, joyously
'TO THE BURROW!' Wormtail followed suit, feeling stupid.
'TO THE BURROW!' Nagini bellowed, Voldemort's boxer shorts stuck in her head.
'And while we are happily anticipating tomorrow's events,' said Voldemort, 'and the fall of Harry Potter, there is…' he turned to Wormtail, giving the copy of 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban a fleeting look, '…there is one last thing left to do…'
He moved dangerously towards Wormtail, wand drawn…
------------------------------------------------------------
Stick around for the next episode…
Chapter Two: Of Scars, Families and Unbreakable Vows…
And I assure you it gets funnier as it goes…!