Hayley wasn’t exactly sure why she was pretending as if nothing had happened; maybe it was just easier that way. She still felt sick when she thought about how things might have turned out on Christmas Day. She kept running that night’s events through her mind, wondering what had possibly gone wrong. Why had Remus run off like that? Why had he stopped? Hayley considered the fact that he had looked incredibly ill that night - maybe that was the reason behind it all.
However, one thing that Hayley did know, with perfect clarity, was that she wasn’t prepared to let Remus go that easily. If ever there was a time to take Kirsty’s advice, this was it. If Remus were too shy and cowardly to kiss her, then she’d have to take hold of the reins and kiss him instead.
Although, saying and doing were two entirely different things. She doubted very much whether she’d ever be able to pluck up the courage to do such a thing. You only live once, she reminded herself. Strong words indeed in such times. The war raged all around them, looming ever closer, and soon they were to be thrown headlong into the fray. If Hayley didn’t do this now, she knew she’d regret it forever, and that thought alone was frightening enough to goad her into action.
The following Friday night, Hayley was yet again in the Gryffindor common room, hastily finishing off the last of her Potions homework. Remus was seated at the table across from her, his head immersed in a book, but every so often he would glance up and catch her eye. Hayley found this very reassuring, especially in light of her plans for that night. To her, it signified that there was definitely still some interest there.
When she and Lily had finally finished comparing Potions notes, Hayley packed her books back into her bag, and announced to the weary seventh years, “Right, it’s getting late. I’m going back now.”
This announcement was met by several general comments of ‘goodnight’ from the group.
Heart pounding, Hayley turned to Remus. “Would you mind terribly if I asked you to walk me back?”
All eyes swivelled around to look at Remus, and his hand self-consciously rubbed the back of his neck. “Of course I don’t mind. In fact, I’d love to take you.” Hayley beamed at him.
As she and Remus made their way out of the common room, Hayley briefly caught Kirsty’s eye, and Kirsty offered her an encouraging thumbs up. Too bloody intuitive for her own good that one, thought Hayley with a smile as they climbed out of the portrait hole.
“So, how was being back home at Christmas?” ventured Remus, giving them a topic to start off with.
“Oh, it was good, nice to see mum and dad, you know? And Kirsty for that matter, as fleeting as her visit was.”
Remus gave her a puzzled look. “Why did Kirsty pay you a visit?”
“Long story!” said Hayley with a laugh. “Though, if I were you, I’d ask her about the evilness of kitchen counters.” Hayley let out another gurgle of laughter.
“Okay, I’m confused. So we have Kirsty paying you a secret visit and something to do with evil kitchen counters”“
“They’re planning to take over the world apparently,” interjected Hayley, still giggling.
“Right,” replied Remus, sounding confused.
They walked along in silence after that, and Hayley desperately hoped that Remus would soon produce another topic of conversation. It took a while, but Remus did eventually answer her prayers. “Have you given any more thought to what you want to do after we leave?” he asked, sounding overly cheerful.
“Merlin, it’s so scary to think that this is our last year, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is,” agreed Remus.
Hayley considered his question. “I’ve thought a little about what I want to do. But to be honest, I’m still stuck between wanting to go into Magical Law Enforcement and becoming a teacher. What about you?”
“I’m afraid I’ve not really given it much thought.”
“You’re kidding!” exclaimed Hayley, shocked.
“No,” chuckled Remus mirthlessly.
“But, Remus, you’d be an asset to any employer,” she reassured him.
“Yeah, right,” replied Remus sarcastically.
Hayley got the feeling that he was being slightly evasive. “I definitely see you doing something magnificent. You’re set for great things, Remus Lupin, whether you like it or not.”
“It’s nice to see that one of us has so much faith.” Hayley punched him playfully on the arm for being a pessimist. “Although, I have been thinking about maybe doing something to help the war effort.”
“What?” asked Hayley aghast. “But wouldn’t that be dangerous?”
Remus turned serious. “Hayley, we’ll be in danger whatever job we do. Sooner or later the war will creep up on all our doorsteps.”
“Don’t,” Hayley begged him. She hated talking about such things, especially when it was not yet time to face up to them.
“We can’t hide from it forever I’m afraid, however much Hogwarts shields us from it. Do you know, they’re already saying that one in ten wizards will be killed if the war doesn’t end within the next five years?”
Hayley brought her hand up to her mouth. “Oh my God, seriously?”
“Terrible, isn’t it?”
“But that’s awful! That means that there’d be a possibility of one member of our group dying.”
“Fantastic odds, don’t you think?” asked Remus dryly.
“It doesn’t even bear thinking about,” said Hayley, becoming tearful.
“Hey, nothing’s going to happen to us, I swear,” Remus told her, gripping her shoulder softly.
They walked along in silence again, and Hayley’s mind was reeling after what Remus had just told her. Was that really the odds of survival? Was that the danger zone she was about to walk into? Suddenly, she just wanted to barricade herself inside her dorm, hide under the bed covers and never leave. At the end of June, the protective bubble that was Hogwarts was going to pop, and they would have to fend for themselves.
As they walked along side-by-side, Hayley casually placed her hand so that every so often it would brush lightly against Remus’.
Talk turned to lighter things then, like Ravenclaw’s upcoming match against Slytherin and planning what they were going to do for their fast approaching eighteenth birthdays.
It happened in the blink of an eye. One minute they were walking along serenely, hands brushing lightly together, and the next, Hayley was whipped from Remus’ side. She hadn’t been concentrating on where she was going, and as a result, she sank through one of Hogwarts’ many trick steps. She let out a little yelp, and Remus’ head whipped around in a second. However, Hayley found the fact that he spun around looking continuously from left to right and even glanced upwards, before eventually looking down and spotting her predicament highly amusing, despite the pain in her leg.
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned, as he walked down the couple of steps that bridged the gap between them.
“Ouch! Yeah! My pride’s taken the brunt of the pain I think,” she admitted.
Remus chuckled. “Right, are you ready? I’m going to pull you back up. Grab hold of my hands.” Hayley did as requested and gripped tightly onto his hands, never wanting to let go. As he gently hauled her up, his eyes never left hers.
Hayley’s leg came free, and she stepped up to the step above her, the step where Remus was standing. They were still staring intently at each other, and her hands were still tightly encased in his. Hayley’s heart jumped up to start beating frantically inside her throat. This was it - no doubt about it - he was finally going to kiss her.
She saw him lean in, and instinctively she mirrored him, intending to meet him half way; but as it turned out, only she had leaned forward. Remus’ movement must have been a trick of the light, so now she left leaning towards him, probably looking stupid.
She didn’t know what made her do it, nor where the burst of courage had emerged from. Sure she had been planning to do it, but she never actually thought she would. Maybe it was because she had nothing else to lose - she already looked like an idiot - she might as well make herself look a complete lunatic. Plus, she doubted whether she would have been able to bear another missed opportunity. So, she leaned in for the kiss, closing the small gap between them in an instant.
Hayley had never imagined that her dreams could be dashed in no less than a second. Just as her lips were about to meet his, Remus turned away so that her lips were simply met by his cool cheek.
She glanced up at his face, but he had averted his gaze. He abruptly dropped her hands, and turned to leave. “It’s getting late. We should really hurry back.”
Hayley’s stomach gave an almighty lurch. Her surroundings seemed to swim in front of her very eyes. What the hell had just happened? Biting back the wailing sob that was dying to burst from within her chest, she replied, “No, I can make it from here, thanks.” Then she stormed past him, not once looking back, and refused to let a single tear roll down her cheek until she reached the sanctuary of her own four-poster bed.
James was becoming increasingly more concerned. Hayley had not visited their common room once over the weekend, and it was now Monday evening, and there was still no sign of her. That was not the only problem, however, for not only had Hayley’s visits to the common room ceased, but she was also refusing to socialise with any of their group, choosing instead to sit with her fellow Ravenclaws in lessons and at lunch. It seemed as if they were all being punished, but James couldn’t quite pinpoint why.
Remus had been annoyingly cagey on the matter, and the rest of the Marauders were subjected yet again to angry outbursts if they dared to question him about what had happened on the previous Friday evening. Remus too was moping around, refusing to talk to anyone, and avoiding Hayley at all costs.
Nine o’clock struck within the Gryffindor common room, and James knew that any hopes of Hayley turning up were dashed. So, risking life and limb, he decided that he could no longer bear to be kept in the dark and stood up to beckon Remus up to their dorm, leaving everybody else working feverishly hard on their Herbology essays. Remus, looking extremely evasive and bordering on murderous, surprisingly complied.
“So, out with it then,” commanded James as soon as he made it to the middle of their dormitory.
Remus glared fiercely at him, and James saw, not for the first time, the shadow of the wolf flit across his human face. “Out with what exactly?” he spat.
“Oh, you know full well what! You can subject me to as many angry outbursts as you want, but I will eventually get the truth out of you. Even if we have to beat each other to a bloody pulp first.” James then pulled his fists up into a fighting stance, and Remus reluctantly let out a small laugh.
“You know that if I was really against you knowing, I’d just kill you outright, don’t you?” asked Remus conversationally.
“In your dreams, Moony,” retorted James, bringing his arms down.
Remus turned solemn again and took to wandering aimlessly around the room. “I kind of wanted to tell you what happened actually, but I just don’t think you’d understand, Prongs.”
“What wouldn’t I understand?” asked James, stepping towards him. A haunted look swept across Remus’ face as he turned to glance in James’ direction. “Come on, Moony, I am a relationship counsellor extraordinaire, after all.”
Remus raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. “Excuse me?”
“Well, I’ve sorted out Padfoot’s girl problem, and now I’m about to sort out yours,” announced James proudly.
“How have you sorted out Padfoot’s problem exactly?”
James paused, racking his brains to try and think of how he’d actually been of help to his best friend. “Look, this isn’t about Padfoot, all right? This is about you and your undying love for Hayley.”
Remus chuckled mirthlessly. “I’m not sure that Hayley would see it quite like that.”
“What do you mean?” asked James, concern and confusion fighting to be the dominant emotion.
Remus let out a long, drawn out sigh. “Look, if I tell you, you’ve got to promise me that you won’t get all judgemental, like Sirius did.”
“I promise I won’t.” James paused. “When did Sirius get all judgemental with you?”
“On Boxing Day morning, remember? When he said that I should have just kissed Hayley, and the consequences of lingering there for too long be damned,” replied Remus, sounding annoyed.
“Our Padfoot, ever the thrill seeker, but I suppose we can’t judge him for giving that response. He was probably just irritated that you didn’t go with it with Hayley when you had it handed to you on a plate. After all, Kirsty’s rejection is still playing on his mind.” James had a sudden revelation. “Hey, that’s not what’s wrong is it? Yours and Hayley’s relationship hasn’t gone the same way as that, has it? Surely she didn’t reject you?”
“Actually she was the rejectee,” admitted Remus miserably.
James blinked uncomprehendingly. “W-w-what did you just say?”
“Hayley didn’t reject me; it was me who rejected her.”
“Are you serious? You are serious, aren’t you? Merlin! What did you go and do that for, you loon?”
“You’re doing a great job of not being judgemental, Prongs,” Remus informed him dryly, though his eyes were missing their usual spark of mirth.
“I’m not being judgemental; I’m just … I’m trying to understand why you’d go and do a thing like that. What happened exactly?” James shot at him, desperate for answers.
Remus collapsed onto his four-poster bed and put his head in his hands. James went over and sat down beside him, worry emanating from his every pore, and placed his hand encouragingly on Remus’ shoulder. Remus looked up and stared straight ahead as he recounted the night’s events, seeming tentative over how best to portray them.
“Well, we were walking along chatting as normal when Hayley’s leg suddenly fell through that trick step on the fifth floor. Naturally, I helped her up, and the next thing I knew she was leaning in towards me. I panicked. I had only just decided a split second before that this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. So, just as her lips were a breath away from mine, I turned away and her lips brushed my cheek instead. She looked crushed. There’s no other way to describe it. So to cover up the awkwardness, I suggested that we’d better hurry up, at which point she said could manage alone and stalked off without another word.”
“Did she look upset?” pressed James.
“Very.”
“Did she cry?”
“No.”
“Do you reckon she was waiting until she was on her own?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Do you”“
“Prongs! Enough with the Spanish Inquisition!” snapped Remus jumping up off the bed, and storming over to gaze out of the window at the inky blackness outside.
“Sorry. I just can’t get my head around this, Moony. I would have thought, after last time, you’d jump at the chance to kiss Hayley. So what happened?”
Remus heaved a frustrated sigh. “Not long before she went to kiss me, we’d been talking about careers, and she obviously had no idea how much of a problem I’m going to have getting a job once I leave here. And then that opened a whole range of new doors and got me thinking: Hayley has no idea what I am; no idea of the danger she’d be putting herself in by being with me. It opened my eyes. I mean, how could I possibly give her the life that she deserves? How could I even begin to make it work between us, Prongs?”
“Listen, Moony, don’t you think it’s about time that you told Hayley the truth?” urged James. He was thoroughly fed up of having to tiptoe around Hayley, and he was sure Remus must be too.
“What, and have her hate me even more than she already does? No thanks. I couldn’t bear to see Hayley’s reaction when I told her - I’ve been subjected to enough prejudice in my life, Prongs, and it would just kill me to receive it from her.”
“You know she wouldn’t be like that”“ argued James.
“It’s not just that, Prongs. You don’t understand.” Remus paused, he seemed to be taking a moment to organise his thoughts. “Listen, even if Hayley did accept me for who I am, I’d still be putting her in incomprehensible danger. This wolf that’s inside me is not a part of my consciousness; it’s separate - it has its own motives and its own thoughts. It hates me, the wolf inside me hates me. It’s not a compromising partner. It hates me for not giving over to my wolfish nature, for keeping it hidden deep down within me, and if it got even the slightest chance to ruin everything I hold dear, it would take it. I know it would. I worry constantly about the danger I put all of you in, and that could only become a hundred times worse if I added a girlfriend to the mix as well.”
“But, Moony, if you let Hayley get away, you’ll be letting the wolf win. You’ll be letting it control your life. Do you really want that?” James persisted. He couldn’t bear to think that his friend was about to lose what could be his one chance at true happiness.
“This isn’t about what I want, Prongs; it’s about doing what’s right,” replied Remus wearily, and when he turned back around, James saw the tension in his face and how much older he was suddenly looking.
“Moony, I don’t get this, you love Hayley,” James announced, trying to keep the frustration from swelling up inside his voice. He couldn’t believe that Remus was about to throw this all away without a fight.
“Yeah, I do…” Remus said, measuring his every word as he made to walk out of the dormitory. He glanced back at James one final time before he descended the stairs. “But she deserves better.” And with that, Remus bowed his head and shuffled morosely out of the room, leaving James feeling bewildered beyond belief and utterly helpless. Two of his best friends were about to throw away what could be their one chance at perfect happiness, and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it from happening.
Sirius jogged happily down the stairs. Today was going to be a good day, he could feel it. The sun was shining; he had a spring in his step, and he felt as if things were finally going to end up going his way. No longer was he going to let himself get hung up on thoughts of Kirsty and what could have been. He was going to embrace his last few months at Hogwarts and cause as much trouble as was wizardly possible. Girls were out from now on, and the Marauders were back in.
What they needed now (himself and Remus, in particular) was a prank to end all pranks. Nothing cheered him up more than plotting something horrid to do to whomever their unsuspecting victim ended up being. All of the boys together planning the destruction of their school surroundings, as well as hatching a devious amount of chaos for Hogwarts’ innards as well, was there anything better?
That was exactly what he needed. It was time to start looking after number one, time to accept Kirsty as just a friend, and time not to dwell on daydreams. It was time to do what he wanted, when he wanted, without letting other people’s objections and problems stand in his way. It was time to take a hold of his own life and “ who on Earth was making that sound?
Sirius approached the entrance to the Great Hall, from where the sounds of racking sobs and smashing dishes were emanating. Rapid footsteps came next, and before Sirius quite literally knew what hit him, someone collided painfully with his chest. Sirius looked down at the person’s form he knew so well. Oh bugger! he couldn’t help thinking to himself. There goes the new ‘look after number one’ Sirius.
“Oh, sorry!” she squeaked as she made to dart away.
“Hayley?” enquired Sirius, holding her fast.
She looked up to meet his grey eyes, and Sirius had to suppress his shock when he saw the cascade of tears making their way down her face. Red rings around her eyes showed this was not the only time the tears had made their presence known. She was shaking too; he could feel it as he held her fragile frame tightly in position.
“Oh, hey,” she said jumpily, her eyes instantly flitting around to survey their surroundings. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder whether she was checking that he was in fact alone. “See you later,” she announced hurriedly, simply seconds later.
She made to dodge past Sirius, and she very nearly made it too, but Sirius gently grabbed a hold of her arm. “Hayley, what’s wrong?” he asked, his mind frantically jumping from worst case scenario to worst case scenario.
Sirius was immensely surprised at how long it took her resolve to crack. For a few moments at least, it had seemed as if she was going to bite back with some cutting comment, but as she opened her mouth to form the retort, the tears flowed down and the racking sobs burst out.
Knowing that privacy had to be top of the agenda now, Sirius took Hayley by the crook of the elbow and led her over to the ground floor’s broom cupboard. Once inside, he sat her down on an upturned mop bucket and produced a clean handkerchief from the end of his wand. He handed it to her and then sat on the bucket opposite, waiting.
He didn’t prompt her, as he figured that that would be the wrong way to go about things; instead he waited until she saw fit to talk to him. Eventually, her sobs dissipated, and she looked up at Sirius with raised eyebrows. “A broom cupboard? This is the best you could do?”
Sirius smiled. “Hey, I’ve never had any complaints before!”
Hayley gave him a weird look. She seemed unsure of whether to believe him or not. However, after raising her eyebrows even further up her forehead, she succumbed to a brief giggle. Sirius chuckled along with her, suddenly realising how much he had missed her company over the weekend. “Listen, Hayley, I’ll totally understand if you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, but I’m kind of worried here. You have no idea the gruesome and traumatising things I’ve had whizzing through my brain over the last few minutes. So, if there’s any way that you could put my mind at rest, I’d appreciate it if you did it now.”
Hayley gave him a hard look for a few moments, almost as if she’d never seen him before; then she sighed heavily and announced, “It’s Remus.” Another stray tear rolled down her cheek, and she roughly brushed it away with the hanky.
“Oh,” replied Sirius simply. Of course it was about Remus. It all made sense now - Remus’ evasiveness and Hayley’s absence. How could he have not put two and two together sooner? Now that he knew something had happened, he couldn’t help but be intrigued as to what had gone wrong between the two of them.
Hayley was still watching him. “You’re going to ask me what happened, aren’t you?” she guessed, rolling the handkerchief around distractedly between her palms.
“Well, yeah, I was, but you don’t have to answer me. I’m just nosy and concerned.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that I suppose,” admitted Hayley carefully.
A long silence ensued, in which Sirius counted the number of different cleaning products that Filch had stored on the shelves. “So…” prompted Sirius gently when he could bear it no longer.
Hayley looked him up and down, seeming to scrutinise every aspect of him. She scrunched the handkerchief up into a tight ball and then released it, watching it slowly unfurl. This process was repeated several times as she chewed anxiously on the inside of her lip. She swallowed, as though uncertain how to voice her concerns. She looked Sirius straight in the eye, and her face crumpled. “I think I love him, Sirius!” she wailed, the tears flowing thick and fast once again.
Sirius hurried over to her, knelt down and enfolded her protectively in his arms. “Shh,” he soothed her. Her tears were soaking his shoulder, but he didn’t care. What the hell have you done now, Moony? he thought angrily. Sirius pulled away from her and looked into her red rimmed eyes with concern. “If you’re in love with him, then why are you crying?”
Hayley let out another sob. “Because he doesn’t like me back.”
Sirius stared at her in puzzlement. “What makes you think that?”
“He wouldn’t kiss me,” Hayley explained miserably, blowing her nose noisily on the hanky while her face flamed with embarrassment.
Sirius sat back on his haunches. Was Hayley referring to the near kiss on Christmas Day, or had there been another missed opportunity since then? Not wanting to put his foot in it, Sirius decided to play dumb. “He wouldn’t?”
Hayley shook her head, trying to hold back any further onslaught of tears. Sirius thought that this was as much of a response as he was ever going to get out of her, but he was soon proved wrong when Hayley started to nervously blurt out the whole sorry tale to him. “No, he wouldn’t kiss me; twice, he’s chosen to reject me instead. At Christmas, just as we came close to kissing, he left without a word of explanation, and on Friday when I leaned in to kiss him, he turned away from me. He was just so cold towards me, Sirius, so cold, and I don’t know what I could’ve possibly done wrong!”
She started to cry again, and Sirius remained frozen in shock. Moony had refused to kiss her again? Why? What had gone wrong this time? Had he changed his mind about being with Hayley? Surely not. Coming around, Sirius reached forward and pulled Hayley close to him once more. “Don’t worry, Hails. It’ll be okay. I’ll make damn sure of it,” he assured her, meaning every word of it. Sirius vowed then and there to have words with the equally smitten Moony, and he could guarantee that they wouldn’t be nice ones!