A blond, twenty-five year old man quietly sipped his butterbeer, listening to his long time friend and co-worker chit-chat about another failed relationship to yet another loser not worthy of her time: Victor Krum.
“So he said that he’s been rather busy with Quidditch and that he would Floo me when he had a chance, but that was a week ago, and I was wondering if perhaps I should-”
“He’s doesn’t fancy you, Granger. And by Merlin, please don’t waste your time giving him a Floo-call,” he rudely cut her off, already knowing where this was headed.
“What? Why ever not?” she asked, confused at his answer.
He rolled his eyes before answering exasperatedly, “When a wizard who fancies you says he’ll Floo you, believe me he’ll Floo when he promised he would, and nothing short of the resurrection of the Dark Lord is going to stop him.”
“Malfoy you are so full of it “ you’re one to be giving relationship advice. I don’t even know why I bother being civil to you sometimes. When was the last time you even had a stable relationship?” she asked, taking a swig of her Butterbeer.
“Relationship? Have you seen the baggage I carry, Granger?”
“Of course, Malfoy. It shares a compartment with my baggage,” she cheekily replied.
Huffing in exasperation, Draco mumbled, “Honestly, Granger. You deserve better. Just don’t Floo him.”
Hermione muttered under her breath about men and their psychotic ideologies before pushing the bar stool back.
“Listen, Malfoy “ it’s been a pleasure catching up with you. I’ll see you next week, same spot, same time?” she asked.
Draco silently nodded in answer, paid the bar tab, and walked Hermione outside of the Leaky Cauldron where they had ritualistically met at the end of every work week for the past two years to unwind from their gruelling job as Potions Assistants.
“Of course, Granger “ wouldn’t want to miss the next episode of your pathetic love life,” he drawled before adding, “I’ll Floo you tomorrow.”
“Promise, Malfoy?”
“Slytherin’s Promise, Mudblood.”
Scowling at him, Hermione gave him a very out of character two finger salute in reply to his ‘endearment’ before Apparating to her flat.
“Granger! It’s me! Whoa, Granger! Those robes really cover more than one thinks!” Draco leered as his head popped into Hermione’s floo.
“You prat! You said you’d Floo tomorrow morning!” Hermione shrieked covering herself with her bathrobe.
“I changed my mind, Mudblood. Let me through, I have nothing to do tonight.”
“Bloody snake, do you really think I’ll let you through after seeing me in my birthday suit?”
“It’s your fault, really, who has a fireplace in their bedroom. Ugh, imagine if Finnigan and you had actually been at it. Makes my skin crawl-Oof! What was that for?” Draco scowled as a shoe hit him square in the face.
“For being a pervert, and not accepting that you were ogling me,” she smirked.
“Ogling? You’ve got to be kidding!”
“Granger?” Malfoy called out for the third time from the living room Floo before coming through into Hermione’s flat.
He had been worried about her since she had not been in to work for a week, and she had not returned his calls or owls either. Familiar with the flat, having been friends for many years now, Draco made his way to her bedroom. Once outside the door, he heard the sniffling of heart ache.
Sighing, both in relief and sadness, he softly knocked before entering.
“Granger? Are you ok?” he asked, sitting at the foot of the bed. Hermione was covered by a thick blanket, tissues thrown all over the floor, while hugging a pillow. Her eyes were red, and her ivory skin was blotchy from crying.
“He broke up with me,” she replied brokenly, burying her face in the pillow.
“I’m sorry, love,” he whispered, standing up and moving closer to give her a proper embrace of support.
After a while of holding her, Draco heard Hermione mumble into his chest, “He didn’t fancy me, did he?”
“No, Granger, he didn’t fancy you. Otherwise, he would have been bloody mental to break up with you - especially after a year.”
“Why can’t I find a decent wizard to love me?”
“I don’t know, Granger, but you deserve better. Now, let’s get you up and about. He really doesn’t deserve your tears, and you’ve already wasted an hour too many wallowing in self-pity over the scum that is Seamus Finnigan,” he muttered softly, staring deeply into her brown eyes as he rubbed the pad of his thumb over her cheek.
“You think so?”
“Granger, I know so!” he answered smugly, wagging his eyebrows, “I’m sure there’s a nice young wizard out there waiting to be your boy-toy. You’re bloody hot, Mudblood. I’ve seen you in all your naked glory.”
She smirked in reply, while playfully hitting him on the shoulder.
“Why are you dating Blaise Zabini, again?” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration at the ruined lab he had just finished.
“Because he’s fun, and-“
“He has a problem you know.”
“No, he doesn’t. I mean…,” she trailed off regrouping her thoughts. “He likes his Firewhiskey but he’s fine,” she rambled, making excuses for her pathetic boyfriend of two months.
“Firewhiskey? Granger, you’re in denial. Zabini is addicted to illegal potions that you can only acquire at places like Knockturn Alley. They’re the Muggle equivalents of hallucinogens. He has a problem, and you’re not going to sober him up. You do realize that’s the only reason he’s dating you, right? He’s hoping that after a while you’ll provide him with those potions.”
“You’re lying!”
“Argh, you bloody Gryffindor! You make all sorts of excuses for these pathetic men in your life when the answer is written clearly in front of you,” Draco angrily muttered. At seeing her confused face he added, “He doesn’t fancy you enough to quit his dangerous addiction. If anything he should be the one jumping through hoops to be with you, not the other way around.”
Hermione glared hatefully at Draco before slapping him across the face for the second time in their lifetimes.
The stinging heat of the slap warmed Draco’s tinged cheek, but he stood his ground.
“You deserve better, Granger. I thought that after Finningan you’d be able to find a worthy man to call you his own,” he muttered, stalking out of the Potions lab, leaving Hermione to clean up the mess.
“You were right, Malfoy,” Hermione murmured as she pulled the bar stool out to sit next to her Slytherin friend.
He scowled at her before taking a sip of his green snake tonic.
“Isn’t that drink a bit strong?” she asked, trying to smooth their earlier spat.
“No.”
Without ordering, Tom brought Hermione her customary single Butterbeer. He eyed the couple carefully, and noted before walking away that their usually cheerful bantering appeared strained.
Probably a lover’s squabble, he mused.
“So there I am - trying to seduce the man, and he’s mumbling like a fool saying that he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, and-” Hermione stopped babbling when she heard the deep sigh from the Slytherin next to her.
“Ok, Malfoy, just spit it out, or stop giving those insufferable sighs,” she spat, annoyed that only two weeks since their last spat and he was already criticizing the men she chose to date.
“Granger, we’ve been friends for how long? You should know the answer by now.”
“Yes, yes, I’ve heard it at least ten times before. ‘He doesn’t fancy you.’ It just doesn’t make sense, Malfoy. You tell me that all the time, yet you fail to explain it. Why couldn’t Neville Longbottom be telling me the truth about not ruining our friendship with sex?”
Malfoy took a swig of his butterbeer, carefully processing his answer before calmly answering, “Ok. You and the Weasel were friends prior to jumping into bed together, no?”
“That’s not the same!” she cried indignantly.
“Really? I was under the impression that you two had a long and well-established friendship prior to him getting in your knickers, Granger,” Draco calmly stated.
“I-It-I’m not even going to answer that!” she angrily sputtered.
Unperturbed by the Gryffindor’s incensed outburst, Draco continued, “Granger, if a man fancies you “ no friendship is going to stop him from getting into your knickers and shagging your rotten if he has the opportunity. Case point: Ron Weasley.”
“Name someone other than Ron.”
“Fine. Draco Malfoy, lifetime friendship with one Pansy Weasley, nee Parkinson.”
“You can’t name yourself!”
“And pray tell, why not?”
“Argh! You’re an insufferable prat!” she bellowed.
“All I’m saying, Granger, is that if a wizard you’re dating fancies you, and you’re more than willing, then you should be shagging him right now instead of being here wallowing in self-pity with me.”
Draco quietly wondered why Hermione had been so silent the past couple of days. Ever since their conversation about friendship and shagging, a dark cloud had hung over her head.
“Granger, pass me the hellebore,” he ordered, carefully observation her reaction. She mutely grabbed the glass jar and practically hurled it at him.
“Whoa! Granger, you want to blow us up into oblivion? You know hellebore is an unstable ingredient,” he admonished.
“It’s not fair!” she pouted.
“What?”
“It’s not fair! You’re always right!”
“Of course I’m always right.”
“You don’t even know what you’re right about!”
“Enlighten me.”
“Neville Longbottom,” she gruffly answered. A smug grin crossed Draco’s lips in response.
Huffing in irritation, Hermione walked out of the lab screaming, “Don’t forget! Harry’s wedding is in two weeks!”
“And where are you going?”
“To find me a bloody date, I wouldn’t dream of showing up with you for yet another social event.”
Draco Malfoy was enjoying his time at Potter’s wedding, but had decided to take a stroll through the gardens of the hall they let for the occasion. Quietly pondering his bachelorhood, Draco heard an anguished but muffled cry from behind the tall rosebushes. He quickly made his way around to find a distressed Hermione Granger futilely trying to fight off a very drunk Jonathan, her newest flame of two weeks. Draco’s grey eyes narrowed in anger as he took in the scene before him: Granger’s dress was torn at the shoulder, and by the swollen cheek she was sporting, the bastard had obviously dared to lay a hand on her.
The Slytherin quickly strode to the couple, and pulled the belligerent fiend off his friend, swiftly punching him on the face, and effectively knocking him out. However, one punch didn’t seem good enough to the vindictive man, and Draco darkly made a mental note to give the bastard a good trashing when the loathsome cockroach wasn’t sloshed.
Without warning, he grabbed an anguished Hermione Granger, and Apparated her to his flat in London.
As soon as they arrived, Draco felt her mighty rage upon him.
“What do you think you’re doing, Malfoy?!” she spat angrily.
“Obviously, saving the damsel in distress,” he answered, glaring at her.
“Damsel? I was handling it quite well without you.”
“Indeed. Hence, the reason you’re currently sporting a swollen and reddened cheek.”
“Well, I didn’t need your help, Ferret.”
Draco narrowed his eyes in anger, and Hermione glared at him petulantly. They glared hatefully at each other until Draco shook his head in disgust, sadness written all over his eyes.
“I don’t know why I even bother,” he spat.
“Bother!” she shrieked, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Open your eyes, Granger! You date all sorts of pathetic losers! And now you’ve allowed one to hit you!”
“Allow? Did you think I asked to be slapped?”
“Of course not, you bloody wench! You’re just so thick sometimes. I’ve offered you my friendship, and…” he trailed off.
“Oh, that’s rich! You offered me your friendship?”
“Yes, Granger, I allowed you to become my friend. Or did you really think it was your Gryffindor charms?” he taunted.
“I never asked for your friendship, Malfoy! Your existence, or lack of one, doesn’t affect me in the slightest.”
“Get out!”
“Gladly,” she spat, turning her back on him to hide the angry tears welling up in her eyes. Only hesitating for a second, Hermione bit her lip in worry then chose to hold her pride and walked out of the flat.
Regardless of the angry words they’d traded during their spat, Hermione began missing Draco and his sardonic self after a couple of days. However, she refused to be the first to break down or apologize “ they had fought before. It would all blow over, and they’d continue carrying on with their friendship of five years as if nothing had ever happened.
Unfortunately for Hermione, she found a crumpled yet unopened parchment at the bottom of a stack of paperwork she had been sorting one day. She was going to throw it away but recognized the tidy scrawl of Malfoy’s writing. Wondering when he had slipped the note onto her desk, she idly remembered it had been before their fight of a week ago. She had caught him snooping around her desk she now clearly recalled. Besides, the proud Slytherin wouldn’t be caught dead in her office after a quarrel of epic proportions.
Tentatively, she broke the seal and opened it, recalling the day Malfoy had given it to her saying to open it only in the extreme case that he wasn’t around to properly admonish her for dating losers.
Upon reading the parchment, her eyes began to water at the letter.
Granger,
If you’ve opened this parchment, it means that I’m not around to properly admonish you for dating yet another loser. I couldn’t fathom what would keep my witty and biting remarks from your presence. However, wizards are not as complicated as you witches wish we were. And I’m going to do wizards everywhere a great disservice, but I’ll let you in on a secret: most wizards would rather be exposed to a prolonged session of the Cruciatus Curse than admit that they didn’t fancy you, and break your fragile heart “ don’t roll your eyes at me, Granger. Therefore, I’m going to spare you a couple of years of anguish.
A wizard doesn’t fancy you if:
1. He’s not asking you to spend quality time with him in a proper courtship (Yes, I used the word courtship)
2. He’s unavailable due to the presence of another Witch in his life (In other words, Granger, he’s taken)
3. He’s not bonking you (Need I explain this?)
4. He’s not Flooing you every spare moment he can
5. He’s shagging another Witch besides you
6. He doesn’t have the bollocks to quit any dangerous addictions for you and your relationship
7. He doesn’t want to claim you as his wife/witch after meeting you
8. He’s breaking up with you
9. He suddenly Apparates out of your life
10. He’s a filthy loathsome cockroach to you, or purposefully makes you cry
Just watch out for those wizards above and you’ll find the right one for you. Don’t make excuses for these pathetic excuses for men “ you deserve much better.
D. Malfoy
Hermione’s eyes stung with unshed tears at the kind words of advice from Malfoy. In it she recognized at least one wizard from each type that she had dated over the past five years and made a mental checklist of the main culprits.
Sighing, Hermione realized that Draco had just been trying to be a good friend all along. However, her pride wouldn’t allow her to apologise.
Two months passed before Hermione and Draco bumped into each other again. It was rather disturbing that for two people who worked in the same department, they both had successfully managed to ignore each other for so long. Hermione was beginning to reconsider her career choice as Potions Research Assistant, and seriously consider pursuing an Auror position. Then again, it’s not like it was hard to avoid each other “ they had been doing it their entire lives up until the war.
As she stood in a corner of Harry’s living room watching the other couples mingle, her heart ached at the sight of Draco with a pretty little brunette at his arm. Worrying her lip, Hermione wondered how long that had been going on considering she hadn’t bothered showing up for their weekly getting sloshed routine.
It must have been after our friendship ended, she thought bitterly. The Draco she knew rarely dated in the five years they were friends, or at the very least he was very secretive about his lovers. Even then, he only seemed to date when Hermione herself was unavailable and couldn’t spend time with him.
Turning her back on the image, she decided to grab herself another Butterbeer, and socialize with the other invitees of the Potter’s Christmas party. In her melancholy, Hermione failed to see the grey eyes that diligently followed her presence around the room, tracing her every movement.
“He’s not talking to me, Ginny. It’s been two months, and he hasn’t Flooed, or owled. We work in the same office, and he won’t speak to me,” Hermione said as she sat at the Potter’s kitchen table while the party was raging on in the living room.
Ginny rolled her eyes at the brunette, “Hermione, you’re about as thick as he is obvious.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Hermione, for being so bright, you sure can be dumb. Haven’t you noticed that Malfoy has carried a torch for you for the past five years?”
“Torch?” Hermione squawked. “You’re wrong, Ginevra. Malfoy doesn’t carry anything for me. When I moved to my flat, he scolded me for actually lifting a box instead of using magic. He even said I was ‘too Muggle for my own good.’”
“Well, you are.”
“What!”
“However, that’s not the point of this conversation, now is it? Hermione, love, Malfoy indeed carries a torch for you. Or haven’t you noticed that he’s always single when you are, or how he always knows where you are- even when you aren’t on speaking terms. He spends a lot of his free time with you, does he not? He always seems to be available whenever you ask, and has he ever refused to complete a potions project you’ve asked him to complete?”
“That’s impossible, Ginny,” Hermione cried.
Both women sat there quietly sipping tea, reflecting on the Malfoy heir.
“Let me see that list again, Hermione,” Ginny demanded. The young Gryffindor mutely handed the wrinkled parchment to her red-headed friend. Ginny Potter sat there for a minute before stating, “Oh, love, you are blind. Malfoy is so smitten with you.”
“Impossible.”
“Just go home, Hermione. Think about it. He may be a ferret, and a loathsome, filthy cockroach but Malfoy is definitely in love with you.”
He Just Doesn't Fancy You by mgle_teacher
Chapter Notes: I got the title and story idea from the book he’s just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. In no way am I trying to infringe on copyright laws, and I am not making any money out of this.
On another note, this is my first published Dramione, I hope you guys enjoy it! I walso want to give props to my wonderful beta: helgaandgodric (Kate) *hugs*
Furthermore, this is a two-part one-shot. Enjoy!