Building Bridges
Mid-December brought a certain cold to the castle, making me shiver as I walked around. All was quiet, even though it was only a quarter past six. I had finished my homework, and had a rare night off. I probably should have been studying or something, but took to meandering the castle instead. I did that often, not really in pursuit of anything, but just to clear my mind.
Sirius was flirting with a girl in the common room, (he often claimed that he didn’t like her, but I never believed it) Peter was doing homework, and Remus was off in the library. I didn’t feel like hanging out with any of them, anyway. Norah was busy too, something about a girls’ night. So I was off.
Lately, everything had been calm, and for the first time, I liked it. Usually, I felt like a restless soul, to put it poetically, always needing to stir things up when they got too quiet. But I didn’t feel like that, and I was glad for it. For the first time in quite a while, things were simple. I was staying out of trouble, hoping to make Christmas with my father more bearable. I had friends, a girlfriend, looks, charm, and went to Hogwarts, one of the best wizarding school in the world. Yes, things were easy. I hardly ever thought of Lily Evans and her relationship with bloody Snape. Well, that may depend on one’s definition of ‘hardly ever’. It wasn’t interfering with my relationship with Norah, so every once in a while, I would let my mind wander to her, deciding that I deserved it.
“Are you okay?” I heard a voice echo through the halls. I didn’t really expect to run into anyone since it had been so silent. The voice seemed harsh against the once-present serenity, and I didn’t like it. Curiously, I turned around the corner to see who it was.
“If he does anything to you again, just tell me.” It was Lily Evans speaking to a small Muggle-born Slytherin. I only knew her because being Muggle-born and in the Slytherin house left her quite a target.
The first-year nodded, looking still quite afraid. Evans’ eyes were soft as she kneeled down in front of the little girl, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay? Avery is foul.” She smiled at the girl kindly, but there was malice in her eyes. I understood why. Whatever differences Lily and I had, we both didn’t like the Dark Arts. Whoever she was a friend of or dating, I knew she really didn’t approve of the Slytherin group that were sure to be Death Eaters in the future.
“Ara,” Lily asked suddenly, her eyebrows knitting together. “Was Avery alone?”
The Slytherin girl, who was apparently called Ara, slowly shook her head. I saw anger rise up in Lily’s eyes, as if something was clicking.
“Who else was there?” Lily looked furious.
Ara shook her head, tears filling her eyes. I wasn’t sure if they were from reliving the experience or something different.
“He-he told me not to tell.” Her voice quivered with fright.
“He won’t do anything to you, I’ll make sure of it, but you need to tell me. Was Severus Snape there?”
Still looking afraid, Ara slowly nodded. I could see why she would be afraid. Snape was frightening. There was this look that clouded his face, an evil look. Something in his eyes that let you know he would do anything cruel if he promised it. I admit, I was not very kind, but never heartless. Never like that.
Lily looked furious, seething. “I can’t believe him! The foul git.” Her breathing was rigid with rage.
“He-he called me a-a Mudblood.” Ara sniffled. “Said that I made Slytherin house look bad.”
It looked as if in her anger, Lily had forgotten the girl was there, but suddenly remembered and looked down at her.
“Don’t worry. He’ll pay.”
Ara looked confused at Lily’s statement. Why was she so mad that Snape was there? More so than Avery… Didn’t she know that they were the same? Neither cared; they were always willing to pick on anyone they didn’t think good enough.
“He’s my friend… Severus,” she choked, “is my friend… I hate his friends, Avery and them, they are the worst people in the school, but Severus has been my best friend for a long time. I “ he promised.”
“In the school?” Ara asked timidly. Lily didn’t answer, but was lost in her own thoughts. As was I. Snape was her best friend. Someone like Lily “ someone so lovely “ couldn’t be a friend of someone like Snape.
I mean, I knew that they were friends in first year, but thought after she had made friends with other Gryffindors like Aletta and Mary, it fizzled. I never noticed them together. Then again, I didn’t notice Lily or who she was around much.
“Huh?” Lily questioned at Ara’s remark.
“In the school…you hate them the most?”
“Oh! You mean Mr Quidditch.” She let out a little laugh, obviously recovering from the blow of Snape’s betrayal. Mr Quidditch, who the heck was that? I assumed that it wasn’t someone’s last name, just a person who played Quidditch. After all, I’d have known if someone’s last name was Quidditch. Unless I missed this person, just as I had missed Lily and Snape’s friendship. But I doubted that. It was pretty hard to miss someone with the last name ‘Quidditch’, which was practically my life.
“I really don’t hate him,” Lily said with a wink. “It’s just easier for him to think I do. He’s arrogant enough without me fawning over him. Every now and again, he needs a dose of reality.”
Lily smiled mischievously. Could Mr Quidditch be me? Was it possible that Lily Evans didn’t really hate me as much as it seemed?
“I think I know what you mean,” Ara said, nodding her head in comprehension.
“Most girls would,” Lily stated, looking much more serene.
The little girl grinned, and ran off with a smile and a promise to talk again. Lily smiled after her, looking genuinely content at the outcome, even if she was furious with Snape.
I wasn’t a girl, so I obviously didn’t know what she was talking about. But I was rather pleased that she didn’t hate me, if that was me she was speaking of. And, she wasn’t dating Snape! She couldn’t have been… Of course, the idea of them being friends was disturbing, but much better than little Snapes running around.
Thinking of children with Lily’s head on Snape’s body, although quite unsettling, was very comical. I had to suppress a laugh as I made plans to get a picture of both of them and do a little cut-and-paste job.
Even though it would make a good laugh, the idea of Lily and Snape together seemed to irritate me the more I thought about it. Them getting married, or even dating, made me shake with anger. Lily was much too “ everything “ for Snape. Their child would probably look like Snape. Ugly. I couldn’t help but think that I would kill someone before seeing an offspring of Lily and Snape. It would be good at Potions though…
Wanting to rid any picture of Lily and Snape from my mind, I cleared my throat to let my presence be known. Evans turned around and looked at me. It was unexpected. I had cleared my throat, but didn’t think I’d be face-to-face with her so soon. I found myself gaping for words.
“Er “ that was really nice of you,” I said awkwardly, walking on air. They weren’t dating! I could sing. “Especially her being a Slytherin.”
She nodded, but her eyes narrowed at my last statement. “She’s a nice girl. All Slytherins aren’t bad, you know, and you shouldn’t hate someone just because a hat put them there,” she said coldly.
“I didn’t mean “ ”
“It’s ironic how people around here stereotype, especially when witches and wizards are stereotyped in the Muggle world. She gets picked on a lot, you know, and no one deserves that.” I could feel her eyes heavy on me, as if she were trying to send a message to me. I knew that she was referring to me as well…me picking on others. “I’ll speak to Severus.” Her voice was no longer kind, but harsh and angry.
I really never thought about the Slytherin stereotype before that day, but the spite in her voice was enough to make me. It was just something I did. When the word Slytherin dropped from a person’s mouth, it was an automatic red flag. I just never thought that it could be completely wrong. I didn’t realise that I judged people on behalf of their house.
Then again, a lot of Slytherins were horrible. I ticked off a bunch of them in my mind, and a great deal of them did fit the stereotype. Even if it wasn’t all of them, it was enough…
“What are you going to say to Snape?” I asked, interested, hoping she would forget my other comment. I really didn’t need another fight.
She shrugged, looking into my eyes now. That was one of the first times she ever looked directly into my eyes without being angry. I almost liked it. They were two very pretty eyes. “I dunno,” she replied after a moment. “He’ll listen to me though. I’ll make him.” I could see why he would. Lily Evans was very intimidating when angry.
“Not going to threaten or throw a few hexes, are we, Evans? Or maybe you’d prefer to just whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Or maybe stop him by keeping him occupied, if you catch my drift.” I grinned at her suggestively, wanting to laugh at my joke. I was quite clever.
“That’s actually a good idea. He loves it when I keep him occupied,” she answered, just as suggestively as I had, and began walking in the direction that would take her to the library. “As for hexes, I guess we’ll see…” she continued mysteriously. I took that as a yes.
I always knew she was a hypocrite.
That’s when I realised there was no way I could ever win against her. She lied to me about dating Snape, I found out and made a joke about it, wanting her to be sickened by the thought, but instead, she just kept going with it, not even caring. I figured that I couldn’t ever win, and there was no way I was going to lose, so I’d just have to embrace it. I’d have to accept that we were equal.
I ran, catching up with her in about a second. She didn’t glance over at me, but kept walking. “So Evans, who is the bloke you pretend to hate? Mr Quidditch? And why would you do that?”
“Eavesdropping, Potter?” she asked, glancing sideways at me. She didn’t look angry, and a smile played on her lips “ good.
“Pretty much, but I prefer to call it ‘overhearing’. Anyway, why would you do that to someone?” There was a pause; only the sound of our feet reverberating through the corridor was heard.
“Oh, it’s just easier that way,” she said simply.
“Oh.” I really didn’t understand what she was talking about. I always knew she was weird. “So, who is it?” I knew she probably wouldn’t tell me.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I really did want to know, but there was no way she would spill. Maybe it was me…
We walked in silence for a few more minutes. I was racking my brain trying to decipher whom she was speaking of. Who else was a Quidditch star and a little egotistical? Come to think of it, there were actually a few.
“You know, what you said before was kinda right,” I said. It had just hit me, well partially, and I had said my thoughts aloud. I could see where she was coming from, and I knew that she must have been discriminated against for being Muggle-born. But, who was doing the discriminating? Slytherins. Lily Evans turned, looking at me curiously. I think she heard the sincerity in my voice. “I’ve always hated people who judge based on blood-purity, but I guess I do it with houses.”
Evans looked at me, almost surprised. “I guess we all do. There will always be connotations, I suppose. It’s just hard. Take Gryffindor for example. I love Gryffindor, I really do. I’m proud to be in it, and proud to wear scarlet and gold. But, at the same time, that sets us apart. Not just Gryffindor, but all the houses. We have so much house pride; it’s always Gryffindor this and Gryffindor that, and Gryffindor for the cup! But I think we all forget to have school pride. Beyond the houses, we should be proud to represent Hogwarts as a whole. After Hogwarts, what will it really matter?”
She was completely right, and I knew it, but changing your outlook was harder than it seemed…
“I guess I never thought about it that way,” I mused, knowing that I’d never think of Snape as a nice person or anything more than a Slytherin jerk. “But, out of Hogwarts, when all the Slytherins are Death Eaters, it will make a difference.”
I expected her to fight with me, give me a countless number of examples proving her point, spew names and fact. I expected her to argue and debate.
But she didn’t.
Lily just rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face. I think she knew that I’d never change. But I could tell from her eyes that she was determined to make me.
“Gryffindor to the end,” she mumbled. And maybe, just maybe, she expected me to say exactly what I did. Maybe she knew me better than I thought…
“Well, I’m off. See you.” And she left, headed for the doors of the library.
At least she was a bit more polite this meeting, well, we both were. It was a start. I just stood there for a moment, watching her walk into the library, red hair swinging behind her “
“WAIT!” I suddenly called out, surprising even myself, and running over.
She swung around, interest on her face. “What is it?”
“I-I dunno. I mean, well, what are you doing?” I said rather quickly, unsure of what to say. Her eyes were so critical; it was hard to think. It was as though whatever I said had to be great, which it wasn’t.
“When?” she asked, smiling at the spontaneity of the situation.
I ran a hand through my hair, every cell in my body alive. “Er.” A grin spread across my face. “Now.”
Lily looked apprehensive. “I wouldn’t…I mean…Norah. And I have some studying to do.” She looked almost sorry when she said it, and her eyes dropped from mine.
“Oh…yeah.” I had never felt anything like that before “ sheer, crushing disappointment. It felt like I almost had it all, like it was so close, but I just couldn’t reach it. For the first time in my life, there was a roadblock keeping me from something that I illogically wanted. And that scared me a little bit, because I knew, somewhere, that every plan I ever had was falling apart, and something inside was changing. “We could just talk,” I suggested hopefully.
“Talk “ yeah,” she said very quickly. After a moment, she finished sadly. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Just because, you know,” she smiled, “I have Severus and all…”
In spite of my disappointment, I chuckled. “Maybe another time?”
Lily looked torn, but finally nodded slowly. “Under different circumstances?”
“Of course!” I provided rapidly. “I’ll see you, then?” I nodded eagerly, surprised at how different our interactions had come to be. She turned to walk away.
“Hey, Lily?”
“You really don’t want me to go into that library, huh?”
“Nah, it’s just, friends?” I put out my hand. She smiled wholeheartedly, and shook my hand. This time, there was no fake apology, no pretending to be friendly for Norah or my pride. It was an honest desire to know her, and I think it was the same for her.
“See you around, Potter.”
“Too right you are, Evans.”
This time she made it into the library, but I didn’t move. I just watched where she had stood, thinking about things that I shouldn’t have been thinking of. I could smell her scent, which still lingered in the air, and a funny grin spread across my face. Her having been so close, so friendly, I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like to be able to flirt and talk to her freely, to try to catch her attention like so many other boys. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but there was something about her. She was so nice to the little Slytherin girl, so wise, so pretty…
There was a dull ache in my chest as I walked back to the common room, back to Norah, and my life…back to reality, for being with Lily was just a dream.
*
I saw Evans the next day in the common room. It was odd, actually. I was sitting next to Norah on the couch. My arm was around her, and her head was resting on my shoulder. I was feeling very bad, because Lily had been on my mind since our meeting the previous day.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly, my lips almost touching her cheek. She had had a terrible day, and said she just wanted to be with me. So I pulled her close, and just sat with her, part of me trying to make up for wanting so terribly to spend time with Lily.
I found it strange how when Norah had a bad day, she wanted nothing more than to sit with me. I guess that made her feel better, and I was glad to do it. But, on the other hand, when something went wrong for me, I wanted to be alone. She was the last person I wanted to see. I knew that she would ask me what happened, and try to comfort me; I didn’t always want that.
Norah nodded, and closed her eyes. I brushed her hair back with a hand, and stroked her temple and head tenderly. “I love you,” she whispered, eyes still closed.
My heart swelled guiltily. I loved it when Norah told me that. “I love you, too,” I replied affectionately, hoping it was the truth. She smiled.
As she dozed lightly on my shoulder, I glanced around the common room. That’s when I made eye contact with Lily Evans. She was looking at Norah and me. It wasn’t like she was staring; she was just looking in our direction, eyes squinting, lost in thought. In fact, I didn’t really know what she was looking at. She seemed to be drifting into space.
Well, until our eyes met. I can’t describe how I felt exactly, but it was terrible. Norah was resting on me, yet it was Evans’ who had my attention. We looked at each other, eyes locked, for about a minute but then she broke it and turned back to her own friends.
For the rest of the time, I just watched her work. Being with the girl you love, having her sit right next to you, so close that you can feel her heartbeat, and thinking about another is the worst feeling ever. That’s what it was like. My mind was completely engrossed with Lily, and I felt bad.
I was just about the luckiest guy in the world, to call Norah my own. She wasn’t the girl that people noticed in crowds. But she was to me. I mean, no one could say that she wasn’t pretty; it just wasn’t as striking as Lily’s beauty. I guess I saw it most because I loved her. She had always been important to me, so I had always seen her as the most beautiful.
Lily’s looks were immediately noticeable. She had stunning green eyes and red hair, two features that weren’t seen too often. There was something appealing about Lily. I had never noticed it until then, but she had something that made you want to be around her. I just couldn’t grasp exactly what it was.
But when Norah stirred, I kissed her on the lips. I wanted to remember why I loved her. And I did. She put her soft hand on my neck, and I knew that whatever I had seen in Lily a few moments ago, and the last few days, was gone. I remembered that Norah was the only girl in my life, and I shouldn’t want it any other way. It was just a shame that what I should have wanted and what I did want were two different stories.
After a few moments, Norah smiled and told me that she had some Potions homework to finish up. I nodded and watched her walk away, before falling back on the couch. I couldn’t help but think that I was getting in a little too deep.
Across the room, Lily was talking to a sixth-year who I didn’t know too well. The girl said something, causing Lily to glance in my direction, and then laugh loudly. When she looked at me, my stomach did a somersault. It never did that…
Light Up My Life by KASK
Chapter Notes: Hello, readers! I just wanted to thank you all for sticking with this story. Sorry it took so long, I had to change some things around to fit into Canon. I'd also like to mention the newly added warning -- DH Spoilers. It isn't too bad, but I thought I'd mention it.
Also, keep a lookout for my new Lily/James one-shot. It'll be up soon after this is accepted. :D
Thanks, Preethi. You're quite wonderful, as always.
This chapter is Building Bridges by Brooks and Dunn.