Dear Conscience,
So I was all set to be all mature and refined this year. I really was. You, of all people, surely know that? I was enlightened. Enlightened. Do you realise how rare that is for me? Of course you do. You’re my conscience. But when does enlightenment ever count for anything, hmm? It fizzles out around the same time that you find out your sworn enemy is Head Boy, alongside you, as Head Girl.
Not Voldemort, if that’s the conclusion you jumped to. A different sworn enemy, one I have to put up with on a daily basis, excluding those sweet, sweet holidays.
Oh yes. Spot on. James Ruddy Potter. James Death Wish Potter. James Smarmy Face Potter. I could think of a million alternative names for the idiot, but I don’t have time to write them down, because I’m doing this on the train, after our meeting, while Kerenza flirts with some guys. I don’t mind about that, though “ it gives me time to rant. And I wouldn’t be speaking to her even if she wasn’t flirting with guys “ not after that ... that ... that insinuation.
More on that later. First I just need to confirm that I was still in my Zen mode when I found out about Potter. So although my halo slipped a bit, I took it with calm and grace, like the calm and graceful person I used to be (for all of a week, but it was nice while it lasted). So I didn’t yell and screech, or accuse and throw things, or have any kind of hissy fit like I once would have done, when I saw him proudly standing there with his Head Boy badge. I was shocked, but still feeling utterly Zen, like I said. I forced myself to smile calmly, and be generally very calm. I hope I have got through to you the calmness of how I was feeling. We went through the Prefects meeting without a hitch, and no one lost an eye and there were no secrets spilled or lives lost. The prefects seem a lively bunch, and I am looking forward to keeping them in good shape.
When they all left, James turned to me and said, “Lily, I hope we can see past our differences and get along this year. I won’t be too much of an asshole, I promise, and I will try not to upset you.”
I was reminded of the end of last year, and how he had been equally sincere “ how Kerenza had told me of what she overheard about him “reverting back to his old ways” about something. The conclusion I jumped to then was that he had something up his sleeve, and Sirius was also in on it, and that’s the conclusion I am sticking with until I get evidence to the contrary. Although, I appreciate that any evidence I do receive, I will probably make sure I interpret it as a bad thing, because that’s the way I am.
And what was the aforementioned insinuation that Kerenza made?
Well, she mentioned that now we are Head Boy and Girl together, we will actually have to not only see each other every day, but work together every day. Together. Every damn day. And that maybe we should try and get along. “For the good of humanity”.
When I broke my Zen and refused to talk to her again, she just sighed, and asked what happened to the mature person I almost became.
I don’t know, Kerenza. I don’t know.
And, as usual, I completely blame you, for doing the same thing you always do “ you could have made me handle all this better. You could lay off the guilt because I’m aware how pathetic I am. But when have you ever done that?
Sincerely,
Lily
Dear Conscience,
It’s not going well.
Despite my vow to be as mature as possible this year, I broke it pretty quickly. Of course, I very much wanted to ignore Potter and his minions, no matter what they decided to throw at me this year. But the thing is ... if there was one thing I never expected, it was what they did:
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only contact I had with them had been polite, brief and simple. There had been no annoying conversations with Potter, or annoying anything with Potter for that matter. Sirius only ever smiled in my presence, and not even in a worrying way. Remus was polite and helpful. Peter said “hi” a couple of times, in a convincingly innocent manner. I hadn’t even seen them swagger “ not even a little. I knew something was happening. Something strange, and different, and unusual, and completely suspicious. They’d kept the whole charade up for two weeks, and I hadn’t once had to tell any of them off for inappropriate behaviour.
In fact, when some of their younger fans asked why they hadn’t done anything funny this year, James just said, “Because we’ve outgrown that, my friend.” And then walked away.
Nobody knew what was going on. Even Kerenza agreed with me that they were planning something big. With all this serenity going on, the school was just ... in turmoil. People were bored. They were really bored, and they looked miserable all the time. People were used to being entertained regularly, but there hadn’t been one hint of any kind of entertainment being planned.
You’ll notice that this is all in the past tense. Because I, being the mug that I am, broke my vow of maturity and tolerance, while Potter and I were on patrol one night, roaming the corridors in search of miscreants. Potter had been nothing but a gentleman, really, as much as it pains me to say it. His conversation had been sparse, but polite. I had been growing all the more irritated every damn civil minute that passed by.
“Potter,” I finally began, “When are you planning on doing the big prank you’ve been planning?”
“Which big prank would this be, Evans?” he asked, politely.
“Well come on,” I said. “Are you telling me that all this niceness isn’t just one big rouse? There’s no way that four people can just completely change their personality overnight.”
“Alas, my poor Evans, it was not overnight at all. We spent the whole summer training ourselves to be better people.”
“But why?” I cried, getting more and more agitated by how insufferably calm he was.
“Because we have decided to move on from that stage in our lives. There’s a war on, you know, and it’s time we stopped being so childish, and went down the straight and narrow. There is no time for mischievousness any more, Evans. I thought you’d be glad we have finally seen the light.”
“But ...” I knew what I wanted to say, but couldn’t believe I was about to say it. “But people miss the old Marauders. They needed someone fun to distract them from all the misery outside these walls. And you four ...” I cringed with what I was about to say: “You four did that job perfectly. The school wants you back to how you were.”
Potter blinked, and then frowned. “Hang on, Evans. We’re doing this for you! It’s down to you that we decided to stop all the rule breaking. I thought this is what you wanted! I thought you wanted us to stop being the bane of your existence, so that’s what we did! It was damned hard work changing our personalities to suit you! And now you’re saying it was all for nothing, you preferred how we were before?”
I was bowled over. Why on Earth would they do all that for me? I know I told them to grow up all those times, but ... well. I didn’t think they actually would. And, I’ve realised, I don’t like it now they have. All I could do at the time, however, was just say, “Yes.”
And then Potter spluttered in disbelief for a while, and then said “Well screw you, then!” and walked away. I had to finish patrolling alone, but luckily by that point we had almost finished. It gave me time to think “ and my conclusion was that I am the stupidest, most contrary person in the world.
When they are being arrogant, childish pranksters, I wish beyond all belief that they will grow up and act normal. And when they do that, I get mad and tell them that they should go back to how they were before.
Although, when I got back and explained everything to Kerenza, she said she understood, and thought I’d done “the right thing”. It’s been two days since then, and the Marauders pulled off a huge practical joke the morning after, which left the whole of the Great Hall in uproar. It involved fountains of thick foam shooting from the ground, which of course developed into the foam fight to end all foam fights. And as everyone was crowding round them like they were heroes, proclaiming how happy they were that they were back, Potter shot me such a contemptuous look, that it actually made me jump in alarm.
The Marauders have continued in their old ways, only instead of annoying me in (their) good humour, they give me black looks whenever our eyes happen to meet. I know that I dislike the lot of them on principle, but I don’t think I can stand being hated for much longer. Kerenza is being surprisingly understanding about it all, but she has indicated that it’s kind of my fault.
Which I already know, of course. I’ve told myself the same thing enough times, you’ve certainly let me know it, and Potter himself has told me, when I cracked on patrol and asked him to cut me some slack, and stop the “hate campaign”.
I hate myself too, you know. I didn’t want any of this. I just ... oh, Merlin, I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I want things back to normal.
Sincerely,
Lily
Dear Conscience,
Dumbledore stepped in. He called Potter and me to his Office just now, and asked what the problem was.
“Problem, Sir?” asked Potter, innocently, before throwing me an evil-look-of-death for good measure.
Dumbledore sighed, and turned to me. “Lily?” he prompted.
I blinked, my mind working fast. And then I said, “There’s no problem, Sir. What makes you say that?”
Dumbledore sighed again, clasped his hands in front of him as if he was deep in prayer, and rested his head on them, as if he had given up. “Are you saying that the atmosphere changing as quickly as the temperamental weather outside ... is not unusual or hostile, from either party?”
“That’s what we’re saying,” James said, and threw me another nasty look. As bad as this made me feel, I was also a little affronted. I may not like myself at the moment, but he doesn’t have to let me know how much he agrees quite so often.
“Eyes on me, James,” Dumbledore said, and I couldn’t help but give him a thankful smile. At least Dumbledore is neutral.
“Look, you two. Whether you admit it or not, there is clearly an undercover war going on here. And we’ve enough of that in the rest of the world. Which is why I need a Head Boy and Girl who are on board. Who will work together as a team, to keep our school united in these troubled times. How can I rely on you to do that when you yourselves can’t even be nice to each other? Now, I’m not going to blame anybody, but you have to sort it out. I may have never done it in my time as Headmaster, but you still wouldn’t be the first to have your badges removed. My predecessor, Phineus Nigellus, would account to that very strongly.”
“Little termites didn’t deserve the honour they were given, Dumbledore, I’ve told you that,” one of the portraits said defensively. James and I turned and looked at it sceptically.
Dumbledore sighed. “Yes, but you would think after changing your mind three times a year, five years in a row, you would start to be a better judge of their character,” he replied, smiling a little as the portrait sniffed, and grumbled, then pretended to go to sleep.
“All right, Professor,” James said. “We hear what you’re saying.”
Then he stood up, and left. He hadn’t even been dismissed. I must admit I was a little shocked at this.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Dumbledore asked me. I nodded, and he sighed. “Then you may go, Lily. Thank you for your time.”
“Bye, Professor,” I gabbled quickly, and left.
I haven’t seen Potter since “ but I can’t stop thinking about what Dumbledore said.
Help me. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Lily
Dear Conscience,
It’s all right! Everything’s fine!
It’s all right. Everything’s fine.
Fine.
James and I talked things through. Finally. Everything.
I know you’ve been helpful to me these past few months, and I appreciate it, but I don’t think you’ll be hearing much more from me. We both agreed to grow up without changing everything about ourselves, and to be tolerant, but not overreact if we do voice negative opinions. We both agreed to talk about things. For our own good. For the good of the school.
For the good of humanity.
Like I said; thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be needing to write to you any more.
I finally have someone real to confide in.
Sincerely,
Lily
AN: What more can I say? I hope you enjoyed this, and sorry if you wanted some L/J fluff. But trust me, there are other fics you can read for that. I decided that this one can end on their growing friendship, the roots rather than the flowers or the fruits, so to speak. Hey. That’s poetic. Please review: what did you think of this little gem of a ficlet? Good? Not so good? So fabulous you’re thinking of proposing it’s movie rights to Hollywood? ;D Let me know, I love to hear from every single one of my reviewers “ you’re ALL gems.