Chapter Three: Sirius Played A Trick On Him Which Nearly Killed Him
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
"Why, hello… Snivellus."
Snape whirled around, plunging his hand into his robes in search of his wand.
"Expelliarmus!" Sirius barked, and Snape's wand flew out of his hand and fell to the floor several feet down the corridor, clattering on the hard stone.
"Alone, Black?" Snape hissed. "No escorts?"
Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"I don't need and escort to go to a detention, Snivellus," said Sirius. "We're talkative today, Snivelly, aren't we? Or is that because you're only facing one of us?"
Snape sneered.
"Let me guess," Snape said softly, bending to pick up his wand, careful not to look away from Sirius.
Sirius didn't stop him; he hadn't had a chance to vent his anger in quite a while and a duel with Snape would be almost welcome.
Snape straightened up and continued in a low, taunting drawl, "Pettigrew is off eating thirds in the Great Hall -"
"Hey - "
"Potter is busy inflating his head on the Quidditch pitch -"
"Shut - "
"And poor old Lupin is away being ill in the grounds."
"You - wait a second, what did you just say?" Sirius said sharply, his heart suddenly racing.
Snape's sneered.
"I said that Pettigrew's off - "
"No, the bit about Remus," Sirius interrupted.
Snape's sneer widened.
"You're not telling me you, almighty love-God and Marauder Black, doesn't know Lupin's little secret?"
"I - Of course I do, I was just surprised that you did," Sirius said, improvising wildly. "How long have you known?"
"A while," Snape said vaguely. "So, tell me, Black - what is Lupin doing in the grounds every few weeks with Madame Pomfrey?
"I - " Sirius faltered for a moment. Then an idea struck him, and he had to try hard to conceal the grin that threatened to crack on his face. "What, you mean you don't know, Snivellus?" Sirius taunted.
Snape frowned, confused.
"I mean, pretty much everyone knows, it's no big deal," Sirius lied wildly. "Remus goes to the Whomping Willow, as you probably know by now. Loads of people know, they just don't talk about it because, well, frankly it's not that interesting."
"The Whomping Willow?" Snape repeated. "Lupin can't go in there, Black, you're lying. It's a tree, you can't go inside a tree, and even if it is hollow Lupin would be killed before he got within ten foot of the thing.”
"The tree is hollow, Snivelly," Sirius snarled. "I can't believe you don't know this. The tree's so easy to master even you could probably do it." Snape hissed angrily but Sirius ignored him. "All you have to do is grab a long branch or something and press the big knot on the base of the Willow and it freezes. There's a hole in the bottom of the Willow that you go through."
"And you're just… telling me this?" Snape said slowly, suspiciously.
Sirius shrugged. "Why not?" he said casually. "Everyone else knows how to get in, they just don't go there because it's no big deal and, well, it's Remus's place. It's only fair to leave him alone."
"I don't believe you, Black," Snape said in a low voice.
"Fine," Sirius snapped. "If you don't believe me, follow Remus down there tonight and freeze the Willow and bloody well go down there yourself."
Sirius shoved Snape aside and strode down the corridor.
"Fine!" Snape yelled after him. "Fine then, I will! Tell Lupin to expect me! If it's true, that is!"
Sirius started to laugh but then quickly stopped himself in case Snape heard. He strode into the dungeon classroom, grinning, the happiest he'd probably ever been beginning a detention in the dungeons.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
"He's going to throw up."
"Nah, he's not. He's just choking."
"Either way it's asphyxiating him."
"It's - what?" Sirius fixed Remus with a confused look. Sirius had entered the dormitory after his detention to find Peter on his hands and knees, coughing in a corner, James doubled up with laughter on his bed, and Remus watching the scene with a reproachful, but slightly amused look in his eyes.
"Asphyxiating," Remus repeated. "It means that it's suffocating, strangling or preventing him from breathing."
James raised his eyebrows and exchanged an amused glance with Sirius.
"A - little - help!" Peter gasped.
"Oh, right! You're choking!" Sirius said loudly, smacking himself on the forehead with a hand and striding over to Peter. He clamped his arms around Peter from behind and performed and unnecessarily violent Heinrich Manoeuvre. The Cauldron Cake that Peter had been choking on flew out of his mouth and landed with an unappetising splat on the floor.
"Lovely," James muttered, pulling a revolted face at the brown mush before turning to Sirius. "Where'd you learn that? Isn't that a Muggle thing?"
Sirius simply pointed to Remus.
"I knew that no good could come from teaching you that," said Remus.
"What do you mean, no good can come from it? I just saved Peter's life, didn't I?" Sirius protested.
Remus sighed heavily. "Firstly, Peter's hardly going to die from choking on a Cauldron Cake and secondly, there's a much easier way."
"How?" Sirius asked fervently.
"The Emisitus Charm," Remus told him.
"So how do you -"
"We are not going into this," Remus cut in bluntly, quickly seizing a book from his bedside table and burying himself in it.
"I'll show you," James offered instantly, pulling his wand from an inside pocket of his robes.
Sirius grinned appreciatively.
"But first we need someone choking… Wingardium Leviosa!" James flicked his wand at a stray Knut that lay on the floor, and it rose smoothly into the air.
"Oh no - James, no way - don't you dare -"
James flicked his wand a second time and the Knut zoomed into Sirius's mouth. Sirius choked and clutched his throat, slowly turning a faint shade of purple.
"Now Sirius is being asphyxiated," Peter observed, wheezing slightly.
"Emisito!" James said sharply, pointing his wand at Sirius.
There was a loud noise like that of a plunger being pulled from a sink, and the Knut flew out of Sirius's throat like a bullet, and sped across the room so fast that it shot straight through the dormitory wall, leaving a small round hole in the stone.
"Woah," Sirius breathed, raising a hand to feel his throat and swallowing slowly. "Can I try it out on someone?"
Remus raised his book to hide his face entirely mumbling, "I would just like to state for the record that I am not involved in this whatsoever."
"Yeah you are," Sirius said, grinning. "Wingardium Leviosa!"
The Gobstone that Sirius had been pointing his wand at leapt into the air and bolted down Remus's throat. Remus choked, dropping his book as his hands flew to his mouth.
"And now Remus is being asphyxiated," Peter said brightly.
"Emisito!" Sirius said loudly, aiming his wand at Remus's throat.
The Gobstone sped out of Remus's mouth and shot across the room. Peter let out a high-pitched squeak and ducked just in time to allow the Gobstone to soar over his head and hit the dormitory wall with a little thud.
"Not quite up to my standards, Sirius," James said, grinning, indicating the Knut-shaped hole in the wall beside him. "But not bad at all. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it was pretty good."
"Pretty good?" Remus gasped. "He stuck a Gobstone down my throat and made a dent in the dormitory wall, and you think it was pretty good? I can't help but notice that one person in this room still remains un-asphyxiated. "
"Ah, come on now, Remus, I thought you weren't getting involved?" James joked lightly, thought he looked a little apprehensive as he was the person that Remus was referring to.
Remus paused for a moment, as though struggling with himself, before heaving to his feet and staggering to the door.
“I’m not,” he said smartly. “I am walking away, I am not getting involved…”
“Where’re you going?” James demanded, standing up instantly to support Remus.
“Hospital Wing; it’s nine o’clock.”
"Good luck," James and Peter chorused.
Sirius raised his hands in a double thumbs-up that made Remus smile weakly.
Remus walked, supported by James, to the door.
"I'll go with you," Peter offered, hurrying to Remus's side and taking over from James. James closed the door after Remus and Peter, and flopped back down on his bed. Sirius grinned at him, unable to help himself, and began tapping his foot impatiently.
“What's up, Sirius? What’re you so happy about?” James asked him.
“Snivellus,” Sirius said with relish.
“Anything that can make you say his name in such a happy tone must be bad, Sirius,” said James, smiling and raising his eyebrows expectantly.
Sirius laid back on his bed and folded his arms behind his head. James jumped on the bed, jolting Sirius up, but Sirius didn't move.
"What've you done, Sirius?" James said in a grave voice.
Sirius laid back and enjoyed a good twenty minutes of attempted interrogation before he said, "Look out of the window, James."
James stood up slowly, his expression suspicious, and turned to the dormitory window. His jaw dropped.
"Snivellus!" James gasped. "Sirius - Snape's there! In the grounds! He's - He's freezing the Whomping Willow!"
Sirius smiled but didn't move. So, Snape really was a stupid as he looked…
"Sirius - Sirius get over here, Snape's - "
"I know," Sirius cut over him calmly. "That's why I told you to look out of the window, you idiot."
James spun around to glare at Sirius, fuming. "What - you - ?"
"Yes, me," Sirius said, laughing. "I ran into him on my way to detention and he started insulting you guys, as usual, but he let slip that he knew about Remus going to the grounds every few weeks. So, to shut the slime ball up, I tricked him into going to the Willow. That'll teach him not to insult Remus."
James gaped at Sirius for a few moments and then slowly shook his head.
"You pillock, Sirius.," he said in a hollow voice, and then he leapt onto his bed, seized something long and silvery from beneath his mattress, wrenched open the dormitory door and sprinted down the boy's staircase.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Sirius hurtled out of the castle doors, trying in vain to make out James's footprints in the grass, but it was impossible; the Invisibility Cloak made him untraceable, and the depressions in the grass could have been made by anyone during the day.
Sirius unconsciously gripped his hair. He didn't care what happened to Snape, really. Remus could eat him for all Sirius cared, but James just had to complicate things, didn't he?
"James!" Sirius hissed into the semidarkness. "James, come back!"
Silence. Then the Whomping Willow froze. Sirius groaned under his breath and was about to break into a run after James when someone called his name.
"Sirius?"
Sirius spun around. Peter was standing in the open castle doors.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Peter whispered. "Are you going after Remus?"
Sirius shook his head dully, struck dumb.
"What are you doing?" Peter repeated.
"Nothing," Sirius said stupidly. "What are you doing?"
"Well, I went to the hospital wing with Remus and ran into Lucius Malfoy on the way back," Peter explained, indicating his slightly smoking eyebrows. "And then I came to see why the castle doors were open."
Sirius nodded again.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Peter asked again.
"I - Peter, I've got to go into the Willow. Go back to the common room - I'll explain later - "
"No!" Peter squeaked boldly. "You can't, Remus'll kill you - literally."
"No, Peter, you don't understand - " Sirius began to protest, but Peter cut over him.
"You can't go! Remus told us never to go with him - " Peter ran forward, grabbed Sirius's arm and attempted to pull him back into the castle, with no success.
Sirius pulled back, sending Peter sprawling to the ground.
"Peter, please, go back - "
"No! You can't, Sirius, you'll get bitten - " Peter froze, half-way through standing up, his mouth open in shock.
"What - ?" Sirius whirled around to follow Peter's gaze.
The Willow had frozen again, and two figures were climbing out of the gap between the roots.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Fidelity by Furry Little Problem
Chapter Notes: In an attempt to make Remus's life that little bit more bareable, sirius only succeeds in making it considerably worse...