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A Hypothetical Harry Potter Book 7 by Abif

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Chapter Notes: So, this is my first submission in over two years! If you see this, chances are that you don't remember the rest of the story, and should read the first seven chapters in order for it to make any sense.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and am only writing this humorous "alternative" to the seventh book as a parody, trying to imitate JKR's writing style but being far less meticulous in terms of plot!

I wrote the original version of this story in its entirety, including eight chapters and an epilogue, shortly prior to the release of Deathly Hallows. The chapters were submitted one by one all the way through fall of 2007, until Chapter 8 was rejected. I was too swamped with other things at the time to think about rewriting it, and didn't get around to it until now. So I've made major changes to Chapter 8 and minor changes to the epilogue following it; I did my best not to let my knowledge of the actual book 7 influence anything. I think that this version of Chapter 8 has a more appropriate tone and less randomness. However, being the climactic chapter of the whole story, it is a little abrupt and has a somewhat darker sense of humor.

Note: I can't see anymore how to attach "warnings" to this chapter, but it is definitely AU and includes more than one character death.
Chapter 8

“NOOO!!”  Harry had leapt to his feet, pulsating with rage, ready to fly at Snape despite the fact that he had no wand and not much muscle.  But Snape pointed his wand at Harry, and Harry froze.

“Don’t try anything, Potter,” he whispered.  “The Dark Lord has forbidden me to kill you myself, but I am still allowed to make you wish you were dead.”

Professor Browne was coming around.  As she struggled to her feet, Snape flicked his wand quickly in her direction and said, “Obliviate.”  Immediately, her eyes unfocused and her expression became one of curiosity.

“What’s going on here?” she said, staring at Dumbledore’s dead body.

“Oh, the headmaster and I are giving Potter here a private lesson in Defense Against the Dark Arts,” said Snape smoothly.  “Professor Dumbledore is displaying the typical symptoms of an Avada Kedavra curse.  Isn’t it time for you to report to the Deathly Hallows?”

“Oh, yes,” said Browne, looking frazzled.  She picked up a pencil, which was evidently a portkey, and disappeared.

“And now, we must wait here for Ramona to come back,” said Snape.  He spent the next few minutes turning an old book into another portkey.  Then Browne reappeared.

“Harry, I need you quickly!” she gasped.  “The Deathly Hallows are in desperate need of your advice!”

Harry felt about ready to explode.  “Nobody is ever willing to tell me who the Deathly Hallows even are!” he burst out.  “Who are they?  Where are they?  What would they need my advice on?”

“On how to destroy a Horcrux, of course!” laughed Browne.  “There are only three people in the world who have ever destroyed one of You-Know-Who’s Horcruxes: you, Albus, and myself.  I’ve already given my advice, and it hasn’t worked too well for them, and Albus” “ she waved a careless arm in the direction of Dumbledore’s inert corpse “ “appears slightly out of it at the moment.  That leaves you.  They want your instructions, and they will listen only to what you say.  Do you know of an incantation that will succeed in destroying a Horcrux?”

Harry was opening his mouth to say that the only time he had ever destroyed a Horcrux was in the Chamber of Secrets with a basilisk fang, and that unless one of those was on hand, he had no help to give to these amorphous Deathly Hallows.  But before he could speak, Snape jumped forward, pointing his wand in Harry’s direction with a strange gleam in his dark eyes.

“Imperio!”

And suddenly, Harry’s brain felt calm and clear.  A light, happy, relaxed feeling spread through him, and he could hear Snape’s voice in his head, saying, just say “Horcrux destructum”… just say “Horcrux destructum”…

Horcrux destructum,” said Harry without resistance.

“Excellent,” said Browne, and she walked calmly out the door, apparently not recognizing that Harry had been put under the Imperius curse.  Harry neither noticed nor cared about her leaving.  He was still in that blissfully calm state of mind.

Just pick up the book… just pick up the book…, said Snape’s voice in his head.

No, I will not, said another voice.  No, I don’t have to do what you say, you nasty, greasy-haired murderer!

Just pick up the book…

And before Harry knew it, he had picked it up.  Snape was muttering, “Three, two, one…” Suddenly, Harry felt as if he had been jerked forward into a rush of howling wind.  Then his feet hit a solid surface, and he slowly came to his senses.  He was standing outside a house, probably far away from Hogwarts, and the Imperius curse had worn off.  Harry dropped the book and slowly looked around him.

He was standing outside the Burrow.  And with a thrill of horror, Harry looked up and saw the Dark Mark floating in the air above the house.

“Ah,” sneered a high, cold voice.  “I thought you might be coming by.”

Harry’s scar was suddenly on fire.  He looked above him, almost blinded with agony, and saw through the haze of pain the unmistakable figure of Lord Voldemort.  Harry knew that this time, what he saw was real.  They were meeting for the final time.  And given that he didn’t have a wand, it was easy to guess what the outcome would be.

“Oh, don’t worry about them,” said Voldemort, waving an arm in the direction of the Burrow.  “I chose the wrong time to attack their house.  Nobody appeared to be home, not even the housewife.”

Just then, there was a crack, and Mrs. Weasley appeared about ten feet away from where Harry and Voldemort were standing, facing each other.  As soon as she saw the two of them, she let out a loud shriek and dropped the groceries she was carrying.

“Harry!” she shouted.  “What did I tell you about not confronting You-Know-Who?  Come with me into the house this instant, young man!”

“It’s not my fault I’m out here with him!” Harry yelled back defensively.  “I didn’t ask Snape to put the Imperius curse on me and force me to grab a portkey out of Hogwarts…”

“This bickering is boring me,” said Voldemort lazily.  Without even looking at Mrs. Weasley, he pointed his wand at her and muttered, “Avada Kedavra!”  There was a flash of green light, and Mrs. Weasley fell over dead.  Harry’s scar was giving him such pain right now that he didn’t even have time to react to try to save her.

“That’s one member of your favorite blood-traitor family down,” sneered Voldemort.  “That leaves seven, no “ I think, eight more to go.  But there’s nothing you can do to stop me from hunting them all down.”

Harry’s eyes were screwed up against the pain, but he stood his ground.

“Then you’ll have to kill me too, Voldemort,” he whispered.

Voldemort flinched.

“What’s the matter?” snapped Harry, his courage rising.  “Don’t like to hear me call you Voldemort?”

Voldemort flinched again.  “That is the name that I have chosen for people to use when referring to me,” he hissed.  “When being addressed directly, I prefer to be called the Dark Lord.”

“Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!” Harry shouted, his voice rising.

Voldemort’s tall, thin body seemed to convulse in agony.

“Harry!” shouted a voice.  “Get away from there!”

It was Lupin.  He was running over with Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-Eye Moody, and several others.

“Quick!” Harry yelled to them.  “Start calling him Voldemort!”

Most of the others winced at the sound of the name.  They were forming a circle around Voldemort and raising their wands.

“That man looks an awful lot like You-Know-Who,” growled Moody, his normal eye and his blue one narrowed in suspicion.  “We’d better kidnap him and do tests just in case that’s who he really is, because he might be dangerous.”

“You think so?” shouted Tonks sarcastically.

Harry continued to shout Voldemort’s name over and over as Voldemort continued to tremble uncontrollably.

“You see what Harry’s doing!” Lupin yelled to the others.  “You have to shout his name at him; it’s the only way we have a chance!”

The others exchanged scared looks and began to attempt it.  “V-V-V-V-V-V…”  It could not have been clearer that most of them had never said the name in their lives.

“Come on!” shouted Lupin.  “You can do it!”

Finally, the other wizards and witches began to pronounce his name, first quietly and hesitantly, and then more and more loudly.

“Nooooooo!” Voldemort shrieked, falling to the ground.  He writhed and flailed his limbs, and suddenly was gone in a puff of smoke.

There was a stunned silence.  Then Shacklebolt said slowly, “That was it?  That was all we had to do to get rid of him?”

“I suppose it was,” said Lupin, walking over to put his hand on Harry’s shoulder.  “After all, nobody had been brave enough to do it before.  And Harry here started it.”
“But I don’t understand,” said Harry quietly.  “If Voldemort is truly gone, then that must mean that his Horcruxes…”

Just then, Professor Browne Apparated in front of him.  “Harry,” she said breathlessly, “You-Know-Who’s Horcruxes are all destroyed!”

“I figured they must be,” mused Harry, “as Voldemort himself appears to be vanquished.  But how did it happen?”

“Well, how do you think?” Browne laughed, rolling her eyes.  “The incantation you gave me turned out to be correct, Harry.  And as the Deathly Hallows were able to stumble across all four of them in succession, and your spell worked on all of them, they were able to vanquish them forever!”

“But how?” said Harry in amazement.  “What kind of people are the Deathly Hallows?  Are they people at all?  How did they manage to find the Horcruxes?  How did it all happen?”

But Browne had already vanished with a whoosh of her cloak.