The Potter’s Tale
Lily opened her eyes, which she had involuntarily shut at the shout of “Imperio,” and saw, much to her chagrin, James Potter’s smiling face.
“Bloody hell,” she growled. She stood up, scratching her head distractedly. “Let’s get this done, Potter.”
“That’s not one of the lines,” he said in confusion.
Lily shrugged. “Maybe we can still talk as our normal selves, but have to say your lines when they come up?”
“Right…” James nodded, furrowing his brow. “But how do I do this, anyway? I love that Sirius didn’t explain anything.”
“Except for the fact that we’re currently using a revised version of a dark spell,” she muttered angrily.
James, however, was not exactly paying attention. Do I just think? he thought, and was surprised to hear his voice reverberating in the air. Lily looked around with her mouth slightly open.
“Impressive,” she nodded appreciatively.
“Yeah,” he agreed, glancing over at her. Very impressive, he sighed inwardly, and both nearly had a heart attack as these words echoed into the air.
“What is?” she asked suspiciously, having noted his facial expression.
“Ha,” James laughed dismally, immediately starting the story.
Once upon a time there was a poor, unassuming lad who lived with his dear mother and their cow. This lad’s name was Potter, and he was quite alone in the world.
Remus looked into the sky with apprehension. There was not a cloud to be seen as the final echoes of James’ ethereal voice died away. He took a deep breath. For the last few moments, alone, he’d slowly come to the realization that whatever he was standing on was not completely solid.
Remus Lupin was no coward: every month he underwent excruciating pain and transformed into a werewolf. Granted, it wasn’t his choice, but that made it even braver. He dealt with it, he never complained, and he’d be the last person to admit that he was brave.
Even so, he took an even deeper breath before looking at his feet. He stared, unblinking, at the ground for a moment before nodding in resignation.
Remus Lupin was currently standing on a cloud.
Potter was a dutiful chap, doing everything his mum told him to and more besides. He took such great care of their cow that people in their village spoke of him far and wide as the “tamer of animals.”
“‘Tamer of animals’ my ass,” a new voice muttered wickedly behind him. Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius continued: “My ass, get it? Ass? Tamer of animals?”
“I seem to remember this whole thing being your idea, so thanks again, Sirius, for getting us stuck in the middle of the sky.”
Sirius looked around him and shrugged. “We won’t die,” he said matter-of-factly. “This is basically an odd, collective dream.”
Remus simply raised an eyebrow. “We’re not with James and the others. Does that matter?”
“No,” Sirius said. “I mean, everyone involved in the spell has to be part of it the whole time, though not necessarily involved.”
“I think I’m confused…”
“We need to be here but not involved til the spell caster needs us to be, get it?”
Remus shrugged. “Sure.”
As so often happens in the lives of lads who are dutiful and unassuming, a woman came along and ruined his tranquility. She was the most beautiful in all of the land; everyone spoke of her as the “tamer of men” and that was certainly true. Every single bloke in the village wanted a piece of her and poor Potter was one of them. He was, however, much too shy to openly court her and so contented himself with stealing glances as she passed by. This fair damsel’s name was Oleander.
Lily glared at him as she was propelled through the newly materialized “town,” watching him steal glances at her. “Love the costume, by the way,” she snarled as she was forced to ‘pass him by’ for the hundredth time. She was clothed in a very tight, very scanty green “dress,” which featured a slit from her thigh and a very low cut. “Very historically accurate,” she added, her voice dripping with sarcasm and loathing.
“Can’t change Medieval styles, love,” James grinned evilly from under his poor man’s cap.
Despite the simple problems of life in the sleepy village, such as fattening the cow(s) and falling in love with flowery women, a much larger entity began to loom over them. Potter realized that, with the terrible weather setting in, Cow would not suffice for their income and he decided one day to sell the animal for a proper wage.
Potter went into town with Cow in tow, perfectly set on making at least a galleon. As Potter began his bartering with the salesman, however, Oleander floated by and Potter, utterly distracted by her beauty, accidentally sold Cow for three Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans.
As he said it, so it happened. Lily was forced to march by once again and so James’ cow was lost to a faceless market man. Her face, however, showed very little of the mindless beauty that James was envisioning and more of a snarling sorceress.
“This is quite the exciting story,” Sirius said sarcastically from his perch on a cloud. He and Remus, after having conquered their fear of the height, were lounged on the soft white and staring absently at the blue sky.
“Oh indeed,” Remus continued. “I love the truly engaging plot line and the complex characters.”
I can hear you, you know, echoed James’ voice. I can hear everything.
“Can Lily hear us?” Remus asked, paying the voice no attention.
“No,” Sirius answered, following suit. “Only the ‘master of the universe.’”
That’s right! James’ voice thundered proudly. The master of the universe is speaking to you!
“Aren’t you special,” Sirius growled. “We’re sitting here,” he shouted at the omniscient voice, “rotting our arses off waiting for you to finish! Any closer to our part, Mr. Potter?”
“This was your idea, genius,” Remus muttered to Sirius.
After a long pause, in which James was quite obviously trying to form a story (there were a few disjointed thoughts that came through, such as Jack in the…, magical beans, and bugger):
Potter was heartbroken. First of all, Oleander hadn’t even noticed him again and secondly, the Botts’ beans weren’t even good flavors! Potter trudged back to his shack with no Cow and no wages, and faced the wrath of his sickly but surprisingly evil mother. She grabbed the poorly flavored beans and chucked them out the window.
Potter stayed awake late into the night, gazing at the stars and sighing, knowing that he and Oleander could never be together. With this in mind, he fell into a restless sleep.
James was interrupted in his pining sleep as he heard Sirius shouting in the clouds above him.
What are you doing up there?
Sirius and Remus didn’t pay attention. Remus threw the piece of cloud again as Padfoot leapt after it, barking madly.
Are you playing fetch, Padfoot?
“You’re currently pining, James,” Remus shrugged. “What else is there for the ambiguous other characters to do?” He frowned suddenly. “Where’s Peter?”
Suddenly a rat scurried by Potter’s feet, but he paid it no heed.
“Why are we even in the clouds up here, anyway?” Remus asked, all of their voices invading James’s mind at once.
Would you all just shut it so I can concentrate on this? It’s not easy being a genius, you know.
This was met with silence, Remus and Sirius in the clouds, Lily absently throwing rocks into a well, and especially from the rat who glared at James with beady eyes.
The next morning, a boogie-flavored thing was shooting out from his backyard. Potter, at first, thought that it was another odd manifestation of his dreams until he accidentally smacked his head on the windowsill in an effort to see to the top of the Bean Stalk.
His mother was furious. Many valuable things were thrown that morning as she cursed poor Potter to Hades and beyond. He trudged outside to attempt to cut the thing down and who should happen by at that moment but Oleander herself, quite startled by the unpleasant smell of Boogey emanating from her secret admirer’s abode.
“Oh, James, that’s terrible!” Lily cried, covering her mouth with the capacious sleeve of her gown.
“Say the line, Lil,” he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, trying to look serious.
“What line, you haven’t thought it yet “” Suddenly Lily grabbed her throat, trying to keep her mouth shut. Inevitably, her mouth burst open and a terribly high, whiny voice emitted from it: “Whatever is that?”
The rat froze in his place. The two Marauders kicking the feathery clouds stopped. James abruptly ceased laughing as Lily’s green eyes lit with a terrible fire.
Squeaking quite dismally, James looked for an escape. Lily took a step towards him, her hair almost literally flaming around her face.
James desperately wished to disappear but decided to opt for plan B, which involved a hurried climb up the boogie-flavored beanstalk, Lily seriously contemplating chasing after him.
Once his head was over the white, he let out a gasp at the sight: ahead of him stood an enormous palace in the clouds with many winding spires and other castle-like features.
Potter, stunned at the riches and conscious of Oleander attempting to climb the Stalk as well, scurried off of the Bean Stalk and hurried over the clouds to the palace.
Very conscious of Lily scaling the stalk, James raced to the odd building, perched high above his make believe world, and hoping for an escape. He looked back behind him just as he reached the door; there was Lily, storming towards him, heedless of the height. He bolted inside.
There was no need to knock: the crack in between each door was large enough for him to slip through. He was minuscule compared to his surroundings. Everything was at least ten times its normal size, and the first thing that caught Potter’s eyes was a ten-times-its-size piece of cheese on an enormous table.
Not one to pass on a good meal, Potter was on top of the table in a manner of minutes, and to his delight found an entire ten-times-its-normal-size meal! Potter dug in, very aware of the growling in his impoverished belly.
James didn’t fully realize why the earth was shaking as he chomped on the giant queso. It wasn’t Lily, for even she in all of her wrath couldn’t move the world like that.
“FEE FIGH FOE FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A WEREWOLF BUM!”
“I hate you.”
“HEIDI WIDEY NIDEY HOE! THERE IS INDEED SOME SNOW BELOW!”
“Why am I always stuck with you?
“CHICKEN LICKEN “”
Potter was horrified. He crouched low behind a stick of butter, hoping against hope that neither giant would see him. Unfortunately, he could not see them either, and had to rely on his incredible sense of hearing to figure out where they were headed.
“Why are you such a spoiler?”
“Of what? Your insanity?”
“No! Of fun! We just found this house and all you can do is whine.”
Potter could almost hear the other giant shrug.
“You’ve stopped yelling “ at least that’s a start.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
Potter chanced a glance at the two giants by sticking his head over a chunk of mozzarella. They weren’t very remarkable looking. The first, loud one, had black hair and looked shaggy and smelly. The second was just normal, albeit fifty meters tall or so.
James thought all of this in a whisper, hoping against hope that Sirius and Remus, for indeed that was the identity of the giants, would not notice him eating their cheese.
A movement to his left caught Potter’s eye. Oleander, the beautiful object of his affections, had sidled through the doorway and was staring at the giants with open mouthed shock.
“FEE FIGH “ hang on a second, I really do smell something…”
“For the love of God, Sirius!”
“No, no, it’s different. It’s…”
Both giants turned their heads toward the doorway and found, forty-eight meters or so below them, the tiny figure of the virginal Oleander. The giants’ eyes glistened.
“Lunch?” Sirius was compelled to say.
“After you,” Remus answered unwillingly. “I bet we die,” he added in an aside as their feet were made to move forward.
“But James is so original, Moony!” Sirius cried sarcastically.
Potter didn’t think as the giants stepped towards their door. He grabbed a string bean and lassoed it onto the smelly giant’s ear, swinging heroically onto his shoulder. Using a piece of a bread crust he’d snatched, Potter repeatedly hit the ugly giant on the neck.
“I think we have a bug problem,” Sirius muttered.
Remus glanced over at him. “James is currently attached to your neck.”
“Like I said,” Sirius shrugged, sending James flying. “Bug problem. Oh! All gone.”
Luckily, Potter had kept a tight hold on the string bean lassoed to the ugly one’s ear to he landed right back on the shoulder.
“LEAVE OLEANDER ALONE!” Potter cried, jabbing once more with his bread crust. The thrust was divinely guided, for it hit the exact pressure point of the ugly giant and that, mixed with Potter’s incredible strength, sent the giant tumbling to the ground with a squeal. He hit his head so hard on the gigantic concrete that it split straight open and that was the end of the ugly one.
“James,” giant Remus said, a look of mingled surprise and amusement on his face. “You just killed Sirius with a pie crust.”
“Bread, Moony, bread,” James insisted. "It's the poor man conquering the corrupt super power with his own instrument. It's highly symbolic and intelligent," he added and then cleared his throat. Lily was glaring at him from her damsel-in-distress viewpoint.
Potter’s bread crust had been broken in the fall with the ugly giant. All he had was his brain and this giant was huge.
“Go, Potter!” Oleander cried suddenly. “I believe in you!”
James pretended not to see the utter loathing in her face.
Potter swelled with pride, glowing with the radiance of love. The giant attacked, swinging his fist down to crush the lad. Potter easily side-stepped the blow, and, with the incredible power of love, managed to kick the giant head first into the ground. The giant was no more.
Potter rushed to Oleander’s side. “Are you alright?” he implored heroically.
“Watching you fight for me…oh POTTER!” she cried and flung herself into his arms, planting a huge kiss on his lips.
And smacking him hard across the face as they parted.
He carried her down the boogey flavored Bean Stalk, which magically disappeared once he set foot on the solid ground. The village people were overjoyed that he had saved them preemptively from a potential giant threat and loaded him with money, which he used to re-purchase Cow and put his mum in a retirement home. As for he and Oleander, they lived happily ever after.
The Marauderbury Tales by erikthephantom
Chapter Notes: The Potter is a lout, as you're aware;
So was the Padfoot, and so were many more.
They both told bawdy stories. Then beware,
And do not lay upon me all the blame,
Or take in earnest what is meant in fun.