The thoughts kept raging through his mind that it was his fault. His friends being put in danger, three of them were injured, all of them almost killed. Sirius was dead. Members of The Order of the Phoenix were injured. All of it was his fault.
In his mind, it didn’t matter that Voldemort had tricked him. If only he had studied Occlumency harder, had learned to block out Voldemort’s intrusions, none of this would have happened. Sirius would still be alive. His friends would have never been trust into a battle that they were not experienced enough to handle. And his heart would not feel like it was being ripped out.
To top all of that off, after the battle he had found out why it had all happened. He and he alone, was the only thing standing between Voldemort and his taking over the entire wizarding world. The prophesy that Harry had been lured to the Department of Mysteries to retrieve had stated that “Neither could live while the other survived”.
After Harry had practically destroyed Dumbledore’s office, Dumbledore had confessed to withholding this little nugget of information from him. And then had told Harry what power he had that Voldemort didn’t. Love.
Love!?!... How was that going to help him? Was he supposed to hug Voldemort to death? Was he supposed to invite him on a camping trip so they could sit around a campfire singing “Cum-Bye-Ah” until Voldemort passed out with the emotion of it? Somehow, Harry did not see that happening.
Slowly, Harry swung his legs off the bed and he sat up on the edge of it. Running his hand through his hair, he felt a gnawing in his stomach. He vaguely recognized that he had not eaten in 2 days, and then only a little toast. He stood up slowly and walked over to the mirror.
The boy that looked back at him was hardly recognizable. His hair was disheveled, there were bags under his eyes, and he was even skinnier than normal. The most startling thing to him was that his eyes, normally a vivid green, were dull and empty. It was like there was no life left in them.
“They might as well look dead,” he thought, “It’s not like I don’t have a death sentence over me, anyway.”
“DAMN IT!” he swore. In a sudden surge of anger he spun and punched the wall next to Hedwig’s cage. Pain shot through his hand as Hedwig flapped around in agitation.
Suddenly a voice rang through his head. “That was stupid of you!” It took a minute for Harry to pinpoint the voice. It was the same voice that Ginny Weasley had used when reminding him that she was the only other person he knew that had been possessed by Voldemort.
As the pain in his hand intensified, his willpower broke. Ever so slowly, he sank to the floor by his bed, and the tears started to fall. Tears he had been holding back since the night in Dumbledore’s office. Tears he swore would never come.
“Why me?” he muttered as sobs wracked though his body. “Why does it have to be me? Why can’t I be a normal boy, with normal problems? Why does everyone who gets close to me get hurt? WHY???”
“Because it is,” a soft voice said behind him.
Choking down his sobs in surprise, Harry spun around.
There stood his Aunt Petunia.
Harry quickly looked away. “Sorry to have woken you,” he said, embarrassed to have been overheard.
He heard the door close softly. Harry staggered to his feet and turned around to go wipe his face when he saw her still standing there. There was noticeable sadness in her eyes.
With tenderness he had never seen her exhibit before, other than with Dudley; she reached up with a warm, wet washcloth and gently wiped the tears from his face. Then she did the most unexpected thing of all, she hugged him.
His surprised was so great that for a minute he forgot why she was here. Then she quietly said, “Now you know why I didn’t want you to know you were a wizard.”
Shocked, He pulled away from her and looked her in the eye. Understanding and compassion were evident on her face. “You know?” She gave a small nod.
“Your mother told me before she and your father went into hiding. She said she would protect you as much as she could. The second I saw you on our doorstep, I knew she was dead. I loved my sister with all my heart and I swore to protect you from this fate. But I could not. I saw the magic growing in you just like I could see it grow in her. To some extent that is why I was so unkind to you. Magic had taken her away from me, and to me you represented the magical world. And to be honest, I hated you for it.”
“It was not until recently, after a chat with Professor Dumbledore, that I see that it was not you who took her away from me. It was that evil monster that killed her. I hope some day you can forgive me.”
Stunned by this speech, Harry was unable to answer for a while. When did, the only thing he could say was, “It may take some time.”
She nodded again and giving him a final hug turned and quietly left the room.
Exhaustion crashed over him in a way he could not remember. He crawled into bed, and started to stare at the ceiling again, but this time his heart felt a little lighter, and he soon drifted off to sleep.
His heart was beating fast in his chest as he chased after the girl in front of him. He could not make out who it was, but he knew he must catch her. Once he caught her he knew his reward would be a kiss. She liked to tease him, make him chase her. He could not stop. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Only a little more and she would be his, and he would see her face.
She darted around a tree, and he cut under it snatching her around the waist as she ran by. She was laughing as he spun her around. He looked down, anxious to know the identity of his prize. He looked down into a pair of milk chocolate brown eyes, freckles and a mane of red hair……
“POTTER! GET UP!”
Harry’s eyes snapped open, and for a second he could not remember where he was.
“Mom wants downstairs, NOW!” The voice was that of his beefy cousin, Dudley.
Shaking his head to clear the cobwebs he answered, “I’ll be right down”.
“It must have been a dream,” he thought. The conversation with his aunt had been so real, though. He knew it was too good to have been true.
As he got up and started to get dressed he heard Dudley slam the front door on his way out to be with his friends. The day before, Harry had heard him saying that he would be going to an amusement park today.
As he walked downstairs he thought about the dream he was having just before he woke up. He had had that same dream before, but not since the night that Sirius had died. In the couple of weeks leading up to that night he had had that same dream 3 times.
He came to a halt as he entered the kitchen. Sitting at the table was Petunia, drinking a cup of tea. Across from her was a place setting that included a plate piled high with bacon, eggs, and toast. Next to it was a glass of juice and another cup of tea.
“Please sit Harry. You look like you could use a good meal.” She said quietly, but with a small smile on her lips.
Harry looked at the plate then back to his Aunt. He questioned her with his eyes if it was for him. She only nodded.
He hesitantly tasted a bite of bacon, and found that it was just the way he liked it. Everything smelled great, but this couldn’t be right.
“I thought I dreamt last night,” he said, looking at his aunt, “especially after the way Dudley woke me this morning.”
She nodded slowly, and then looked down at the table. “Just because my thinking has changed, doesn’t mean that Vernon and Dudley’s has.”
Understanding seeped through Harry. “Thank you for the breakfast,” was all he could say. He began to attack his food with gusto, not realizing until that moment how hungry he was.
After he finished, Harry and his aunt talked for a few minutes about some little things like how warm the weather was, or that Dudley was learning to drive. They stayed away from important topics, though. Maybe that would come later, maybe it wouldn’t, but for now he felt more at ease.
* * *
Every day for the next three days the same story unfolded. Harry would come down to breakfast after Vernon and Dudley had left, He and his aunt would chit-chat for a few minutes, then he would do his assigned chores. (Dudley still did not have any assigned to him.)
On the forth day, as he was finishing his breakfast, Petunia asked a question that stunned him.
“Who is Ginny?” She asked as he started to get up.
“Um…She is my friend Ron’s little sister.” He answered, wondering where this was going. “Why do you ask?”
“I was walking by your room yesterday morning, and I heard you say her name in your sleep,” was her reply. There was a hint of mirth in her eyes as she said it.
Harry’s face was suddenly very warm. He had had the same dream again that night, only this time he had started to lean down to kiss her before he woke up.
“It sounded like she was more than a friend’s little sister to me. Do you want to talk about it?
He slowly sank back into his chair. “I think I like her.” There, he said it. It was the first time he had said it out loud. The thought had been growing in his mind since he had lost interest in Cho Chang.
“You think?”
“It’s confusing to me. I think about her a lot of the time, and I keep having this same dream about her, but it’s complicated.” He kept his head down, looking at his hands.
“How is it complicated? Either you like her, or you don’t.”
“Like I said, she is my best friend’s little sister.”
“So?”
“He’s…um…more than a little protective.”
“Sounds like a typical big brother to me. Does she like you?”
“She did. When we first met, she had a crush on me.” Harry again blushed slightly.
“What about now?”
“Hermione, my other best friend, said she gave up on me, and has started dating other guys.”
“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. It means that she didn’t think you would ever like her.”
“Even if that’s the case, I can’t be with her. I can’t be with anyone until this mess with Voldemort is over. He will use anyone close to me. He has before, and he will do it again. I have come to accept that I must defeat him, or die trying. But I will not put my friends in danger to do it. It would be better for them if I pushed them all away until this is over. This decision has torn me apart; I love my friends more than anything.”
Petunia sat there with a shocked look on her face. It took a while for her to say anything.
“Dumbledore said you would have to do things in the future, but he did not say what. I thought you would have to fight in a war, but you make it sound like you must be the one to do it all.”
“I am. That is why my parents went into hiding. It was foretold in a prophesy that either I must kill him, or he must kill me. I have no idea how I am supposed to do that. But I will not let my friends get hurt while I flounder away at this. It has already cost me my parents, my godfather, and a young man that became my friend when we competed against each other in the Tri Wizard Tournament”
She looked at him with sympathy in her eyes. “Surely there must be a way to beat him.”
Harry Frowned down at the table, “There is a line in prophesy that states that I have a power that Voldemort does not. Dumbledore says that it is love. I just don’t see how the ability to love can win against that monster.”
Petunia looked at him sharply. “Do not under estimate the power of love. Love is the most powerful emotion there is. Love can make you be stronger because when you love, you not only fight for yourself, but you fight for those you love. Your mother loved you enough to die for you. That love protected you and still does while you call this house your home. How can you say that it is not powerful enough to see you through this?”
It was Harry’s turn to be shocked. He had never heard his Aunt talk like this before. He did not know what to say.
Before he could say anything, she continued, “You say that you want to protect your friends? Pushing them away will not do that. Only by loving them enough to fight for them, and letting them love you enough to fight for you, can you use this power.”
“I see the owls coming almost every day with letters. I have yet to see one go back to them with a letter. Is this part of you pushing them away?”
He could only nod.
“Do you still have the letters?”
He nodded again.
“Go upstairs, read them, write back to them, and tell them how you feel about them. It seems to me that that is the only way.”
Harry sat there for a full five minutes after Petunias speech. “She’s right” he thought. He stood up, walked around the table, and did something he never thought he would do. He kissed Petunia on the cheek.
As he left the kitchen to head upstairs, he snuck a glance back at his aunt. She was touching her cheek where he had kissed her.