Ron didn’t expect the minuscule book to be of any help. And he wasn’t thrilled with reading more than a thousand pages worth of pure nonsense.
But he was surprised when he caught his hands flipping through the pages rapidly, anxious to see what the next page held.
“How’s the book?” Harry asked, a silly grin on his face.
“Informative, actually. I’m learning loads of stuff. Apparently, girls are turned off by bad hygiene,” Ron said, proudly.
Harry snorted. “Ron, that shouldn’t be new to you.”
Ron scolded at his friend. “Sorry, Harry. I’m not as charming as you.”
He kept flipping through the oldened pages, hoping to find something useful in his pursuit to Hermione’s heart.
“Hey, Ron, turn the page,” Harry said, his voice filled with curiosity.
The following pages posed the biggest list of pick-up lines Ron had ever laid his blue eyes on.
“Hey! Listen to this one: Hey, pretty girl. Are you the Golden Snitch? If you are, I definitely want to seek you. How brilliant is that!” Harry said, between laughs. “If you’re a Parselmouth, you can charm my snake any day! That’s just bloody brilliant!” Harry exclaimed, after reading another one.
Ron couldn’t help cracking a smile himself. The pick-up lines were funny, but not a single girl would fall for them, including Hermione. She was too much of a genius to fall for dull phrases like that.
“Let’s head down to dinner,” Harry suggested. “I can hear your stomach growling.”
Clutching his stomach protectively, Ron was suddenly aware of the roaring of his own stomach. He didn’t eat lunch that day due to his “state of misery.”
They left the Gryffindor common room empty handed, except for the small book Ron was carrying in the front pocket of his school robes. It looked a bit awkward, like a baseball-sized square perturbing his stomach. The secret giggles of passing first years were conspicuous and Ron kept barking, “What are you looking at?!” until they finally saw a pleasantly familiar face.
Ginny’s rose hair was visible down the steep steps leading to the Entrance Hall and when she saw Ron with the book bulging out of his black school robes, Ginny smirked and called, “Did you accidentally eat a book, Ron?”
“Oh, shut up, Ginny,” Ron scolded, as Harry smiled widely.
“Wait, Ginny. Can you do Ron a favor?” asked Harry, who still had a boyish grin pasted on his face.
“What? What favor?!” Ron cried, confused about Harry’s awkward question.
“Sure, what is it?” Ginny asked, curious to hear what the sudden request was. Ron still looked bewildered and his eyes shifted quickly from a spirited Harry to a curious Ginny.
“Ron’s been reading this book and it’s filled with these pick-up lines. Mind if he tries some on you?”
Ginny snorted loudly and said, “This should be amusing.”
“Harry, no. I am not saying this-this rubbish to my sister,” Ron declared, his ears turning impetuously fuchsia.
“Just try one line. Might as well try it on your sister first before making a fool of yourself in front of Hermione, or any other girl.”
Still glaring at Harry, Ron took out the book and flipped to the page with the stringy list of lines. Harry smiled broadly, satisfied to know that he was victorious in persuading Ron.
“Don’t laugh, Ginny. And don’t mention this to Fred and George.” Ron cleared his throat and then muttered, gloom apparent in his voice, “Did you yell out Stupefy because I am stunned by your beauty.”
It took only seconds for Ginny’s light brown eyes to fill with tears; she was having a laughing frenzy alongside a flushed-faced Harry, who removed his round glasses to wipe his damp eyes.
“Ha,” Ron said, sarcastically. His pale face turned crimson. “I’m glad you found that funny.”
After a few minutes of Harry and Ginny clutching their aching stomachs from using so much of their breath to laugh, they finally entered the Great Hall, Ron walking glumly behind them.
Hermione was sitting between Neville and Dean Thomas, a dark-skinned boy with an incredible talent for art. She was trying to hold a polite conversation with the two boys, but became distracted as Ron, Ginny, and Harry gathered around her.
“Hullo, Hermione,” Ginny greeted. “How have you been?”
“Great, actually,” Hermione answered, with a bright grin on her face. Ron glimpsed at her chirpy smile and frowned deeply. Was she happy without him?
“I can guess why you’re happy,” Ginny said, nudging Hermione slightly in the ribs. “I think his name starts with a ‘S’ and ends with a ‘Gregory’.”
Hermione giggled, a high-pitched giggle that wasn’t like Hermione at all. Ron, his face exposing the disgust he felt, turned to Harry, who merely shrugged.
“Well, I’ll see you,” Ginny said, but Hermione stood up with all her belongings, which included a gargantuan book she had borrowed for some “light” reading, and followed them. “I’ll sit with you.”
Ron took a furtive glance at the shaggy-haired girl, secretly wanting to admire that pretty face he had grown to love, but swiftly looked away when he noticed her brown eyes upon him as well.
That night, Ron wasn’t able to sleep. His pillow felt like an enraged porcupine under his fragile head, but that wasn’t the cause of his sleep deprivation; she had permeated through his skull and into his mind.
Hermione had given him a look; a small look, but nonetheless, meaningful. Her eyes were filled with some emotion; he just didn’t know what. She probably misses me! thought Ron, excitement bubbling in his veins. That McGregory git is nothing compared to me!
A yawn escaped from Ron’s mouth while he turned to his side, his head resting silkily on the now comfortable cushion; he imagined the pillow to be Hermione’s hair, the bushy mane he had dreamed of running his fingers through, smelling the aroma of the fruity shampoo she used. Why couldn’t that dream become a reality?
She’ll be mine soon, he thought, stroking the velvety pillow the way he would stroke her feathery, brown hair.
His eyes gradually began to close, his thoughts about Hermione drifting away into nothing but darkness.
He fell asleep reluctantly; he still wanted to think about her.
In the girls’ dormitory, a flustered girl tossed and turned in her four-poster bed. Hermione couldn’t sleep; too many thoughts were swimming through her mind, invading the sheep she usually counted before drifting into her temporary hibernation.
Earlier, Scott had hugged her comfortingly, his arms wrapped around her neck, tightly. She tried her best not to blush, but she already felt the heat rising into her cool cheeks. He had chuckled kindly, smiling in a way that made Hermione’s insides melt into liquid.
Embraces were rarely given to Hermione. There were those one-armed squeezes she got from one of her best friends, Harry; the “hugs” that looked awkward and even felt uncomfortable. But those comfort gestures never really developed into actual heart-felt hugs. And Ron wasn’t exactly a “loving person.”
On the outside, at least.
She had only known Scott for less than a day, but she liked him. He was kind, thoughtful, generous, caring, and everything Ron couldn’t be whenever he was around her. Scott had been there when she needed someone the most.
He’s not the one, though, a voice in her head interrupted.
Handsome, caring, and generous. Yeah…that’s my worst nightmare, she argued with herself, sarcastically.
It’s Ron you love. Don’t deny it.
But Ron was supposed to be her shoulder to cry on. She would have never guessed that Ron would be the one to make her cry in the first place.
Hermione shifted to her side and tried to get Ron out of her mind. But she failed miserably in doing so.
He has the nerve to get angry with me. I should be angrier with him! He insulted me in more ways than anyone else has, except for that ferret, Malfoy. But how could Ron stoop to that level? Hermione asked herself.
Hermione shifted to her other side, trying to shake the fire-haired boy out of her frustrated thoughts.
But he’ll miss me. I know he will.
She rested on her back, the springs of her bed making only the slightest creak.
Because I already miss him.
And with that last thought, Hermione fell asleep with nothing but Ron’s blue eyes and freckles on her mind.
“Ginny, stop trying to defend Ron,” Hermione told Ginny the next morning. It was finally the weekend; Hermione and Ginny were strolling along the grounds, the sun barely over the horizon and the grass still teary with dew.
“Hermione, he likes you. I know he does.” Ginny looked at her friend with determined eyes, which showed no sign of doubt. “He’s just…shy.”
Hermione laughed coldly. “I’ve known him for so many years. I’m his friend! Well…was his friend. He can tell me anything.” And before Ginny could counter with her statement, she added, “And if he really did like me, he wouldn’t-he wouldn’t have insulted me like that.”
“But that’s the thing!” Ginny exclaimed, her hands flying up into the air. “My brother is a git! He doesn’t know how to share his feelings!”
Letting out a heavy sigh, Hermione walked alongside Ginny back to the massive castle without mentioning Ron until they arrived into the Entrance Hall.
“Speaking of Ron, there he is,” Ginny whispered, elbowing Hermione hard in the arms. “You should go talk to him.”
“No! I’m not going to let him ruin my morning, again. Let’s just go-”
“Ginny! Hermione! Wait!”
Damn, Hermione thought as she dragged herself behind Ginny, who was walking toward a cheerful-looking Ron.
“Morning, Ginny. Hi, Hermione,” Ron greeted with a warm smile.
Her narrowed eyes leering at Ron, Hermione simply let out a grunt. She wasn’t going to forgive Ron until he apologized, which she assumed would take a long time.
“Come on, Hermione. You know you want to talk to me,” Ron teased, a cute smile playing along his face.
Look at him! He thinks he knows me! Hermione’s thoughts nagged. I don’t care how charming that smile is; I’m not going to fall for that!
She crossed her arms grumpily and turned her back towards him. As she turned around, her eyes tracked down a familiarly handsome face making his way towards her.
“Hermione! Good morning!” said the beckoning voice of Scott McGregory. His hair looked disheveled from a fierce wind, but it complemented his majestic face just fine. “Just came back from Quidditch practice. How have you been?”
“She’s been fine without you,” Ron answered, his sunny face now masked by an irritated scowl.
“Excuse him. He can be rather rude most of the time,” Hermione explained, while she gave Ron daggers through her glaring eyes.
Scott, who was standing stiffly beside Hermione, said, “Maybe I’ll just go and get some breakfast, then. Want to come, Hermione?” He flashed a smile that could make angels sing, making it hard for Hermione to refuse.
“G-Ginny? Want t-to come?” Hermione asked, her voice quivering from nervousness as Scott’s arm snaked around her shoulders.
“No, thank you. I wouldn’t want to interrupt,” she answered, beaming at her good, frizzy-haired friend.
The pair walked into the Great Hall while Ron, gawking at the attractive couple, dug his hands in his robes, searching for a succor to help him split the two apart.
“What are you doing?” Ginny asked, giving him a strange look.
He felt the smooth corners of A Thousand Ways to Win a Witch’s Heart, pulled it out of his pocket, and skimmed through the pages, hoping to find some helpful advice.
“I’m trying to find out how to break them up.”
As Ron read down the page, absorbing the information given to him, Harry traipsed down the stone steps and approached Ron. “What’s that?”
“The book he was reading yesterday,” Ginny answered for Ron, who was entranced by the words in front of him. “He’s trying to find out how to break Hermione and Scott up.”
“Shush, Ginny, I’m reading,” Ron said, his eyes still glued to the miracle book.
Harry, stunned by the words that crawled out of Ron’s mouth, chuckled and said, “Reading?” Harry had never witnessed Ron choosing an academic activity over eating a extravagant breakfast in the morning.
“You know that McGregory git? He’s-he’s-he’s-” Ron stuttered, unable to form the right sentence to describe how horrible things were getting between Scott and Hermione.
“He’s what? It’s not like they’re together, right?”
Ron let out a sigh, then murmured, “Not yet. You should see him, putting his arm around her like the perfect gentleman. It’s like he’s a machine, programmed to be perfect. Well, I know there’s something wrong with him. There must be something wrong with him. The book says so.”
Harry scoffed. “And does the book tell you to wrestle an angry werewolf? No. Just tell her how you feel. This book can’t help you fall in love.”
“But it can! Listen: If the witch you love is in the arms of another wizard, all you have to do is make a choice. You can let it be and find another girl to love, like that’ll work out, or separate the two by forcing the witch to see only the flaws of the other man. To accomplish this, you must be sneaky and cunning. You must follow the other man and search for any reason for her to break-up with him. See? Great plan, huh?”
Harry stared at him, incredulously. “Great plan? Ron, this is ridiculous. You can’t just follow McGregory everywhere he goes. You’d probably just waste your time. And Hermione would be even more furious with you.”
“Harry, I have to split them apart. I can’t compete with him! If he’s out of the picture, making Hermione fall for me would be so much easier!”
Harry rolled his eyes at Ron, who sounded pathetic at this point, but gave in and said, “Fine. Do whatever. But if this plan of yours backfires, remember my advice: Just tell her how you feel.”
“And if that doesn’t work, I hear Lavender Brown has her eyes on you. You can always use her to make Hermione jealous,” Ginny suggested, a devilish smirk on her face. Harry shoved her lightly and shook his head, mouthing, That’s not a good idea to the Weasley daughter.
Ron looked at his best friend and his only sister, thankful that they were both helping him in his love mission. “Thanks for the support, guys.”
Trying his best to finish the chapter before breakfast ended, Ron sponged in all the advice he needed to ruin the newly formed relationship between the witch he loved and the prat he barely knew. With the magical book aiding him, Hermione’s heart seemed to be getting closer and closer to Ron’s grasp.
A Thousand Ways to Win a Witch's Heart by poisonapple
Chapter Notes: Disclaimer: This magical and wonderful world belongs to J.K Rowling. She owns the setting, the characters (except one), and anything else that is recognizable in the HP series.
Thanks to all of those who have read and reviewed my story. All of you are truly amazing!