“Oh joy. This looks promising,” Snape muttered to himself as a witch with uncontrollably frizzy white hair walked towards him.
“How do you do?” the witch asked, making a polite curtsy.
“Do you want something?” Snape asked her, as she had been standing there for two minutes, staring at the seat in front of her.
“Chivalry is dead,” the lady sighed as she pulled out the seat for herself and sat.
“So are the seventies,” he replied, nodding at her afro.
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. I am Agrona Feebles …and you might be”?”
His eyes met hers, and narrowed. “Professor Snape.”
“Professor of”?”
Seeing that she was not going to leave him alone, he replied, “I am the Potions master at Hogwarts.”
“I see,” Agrona Feebles said, ignoring his rudeness. “And do you, by any chance, know the famous Harry Potter?”
“As much as I care to and much more,” said Snape with a dismissive wave of the hand. “He is one of my students, if you must know. Why?”
There was a slight pause; then the woman became all shy and giggly, much to Snape’s surprise and repulsion. “Do you think,” she tittered from behind her gloved hands, “that you could”No, no, it’s too much to ask. I’m sorry I””
“Go on.” If you dare.
“I was just wondering if you could maybe”It’s silly but could you…. What I mean to say is””
“Get it out already, you silly old bat!” Snape spat.
“Is there any chance that you could introduce me to Harry? I’ve just heard the most wonderful things about him. Young Mr. Potter sounds like a very nice, intelligent boy. I bet he scraped an O.W.L. in your subject.”
“”And China might relocate itself.”
“Naturally. So, do you think””
“If you want to meet him, madam,” Snape said quite calmly, “I suggest that you turn your wand into a compass; and when the arrow points towards trouble, go in that direction.”
“I don’t understand,” said Agrona Feebles.
“Potter is one of the most arrogant, thick-headed students ever to walk the halls of Hogwarts.”
“But Witch Weekly says””
Snape then gave her a smile that was so reptilian and evil that the woman stopped mid-sentence. “Do I look like I read Witch Weekly? Do you see me drooling all over Lockhart over there like a pimply-nosed, star-struck 15-year-old with the rest of you pathetic females? No, you don’t. How, then, could you expect me to sing Potter’s praises when he’s simply a snotty little boy? Could my life be that empty and boring?”
“Go take a cold shower!” Agrona Feebles huffed. She turned to leave, but paused and shouted: “On second thought, make that a hot shower: Goodness knows you need one!”
“Hobitgoin?” asked a voice from behind Snape.
“What?” Snape glanced behind him to see Lockhart munching on a handful of crackers.
“How’s it going?” Lockhart choked, his eyes watering; he had swallowed a whole mouthful of mushy crumbs in one gulp. He then looked over at the blank sheet of paper sitting in front of Snape. “Too bad, Severus, really too bad; you couldn’t get any numbers. If only I had been here to guide you. But never fear; there are still plenty of ladies coming.” He winked and flashed his teeth at the rankled professor.
“Oh goody.”
Lockhart secretly stuffed another handful of crackers into his mouth and began munching noisily away. But he soon looked down at his watch and attempted a whistle, blowing crackers all over Snape’s head and robes.
“Sorry, there, Professor; allow me to””
“No!” Snape yelled and lifted his own wand. “I will hex you to high heaven if you even think of trying to lay wand on me.”
“Right, right,” Lockhart laughed after a moment of terror. “Wouldn’t want to make you look silly in front of everyone, now would I?”
A simple vanishing spell took the crumbs away (and it would have taken Lockhart away, if Snape had had his way.)
“Hello,” breathed a tall bottle-blonde who had just taken the seat opposite Snape. “I’m Sadie, Sadie Hawkins. Would you care to dance?”
Snape felt as though he had just swallowed a handful of vomit-flavored Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.
“Just a little joke I like to tell to”warm things up.” She then proceeded to tap her long, red nails on the table. Slowly her fingers crept towards him like ten hairy caterpillars, but Snape shooed them away with the tip of his wand. “Tell me something about yourself,” the blonde sighed.
Snape sat there with his mouth determinedly shut and glared back at her.
“I love the strong, silent types”they’re the deep thinkers. Tell me, what are you thinking?”
“I just wondering about the simpleton that brewed the hair potion you’ve used,” Snape sneered.
“Oh, you like my hair?” she asked, leaning across the table, winking at him.
“Is there something wrong with your vision?”
“What”Oh, that’s me winking. I never was a very good winker.”
“That is not what I meant,” said Snape dryly; “I was referring to your pathetic choice of hair color.”
After a moment’s pause she asked in her breathiest voice yet: “Do you like Pina Coladas ?” She leaned even farther across the table, taking his sinewy fingers into her hands.
“I don’t like where this is going,” he stated firmly, wrenching his fingers free. “For future reference, for which I doubt there will be need: Keep your hands off my person.”
“You’re a feisty one, aren’t you?” she laughed loudly, so loudly that Snape was forced to cover his ears. Once again the entire room was staring in his direction.
Without a second thought, Snape drew out his wand and sent red sparks up into the air. But Flitwick did not come. The blonde was crawling across the table, her nose almost touching his greasy one. He strained backwards in his chair as far as he could without tipping over. “Filius,” Snape sang out dangerously.
“Coming!” snapped a high-pitched voice from across the room.
“What took you so long?” Snape hissed as Flitwick came into view. “And why on earth are you wearing red lipstick?”
Flitwick blushed. Snape rolled his eyes.
“Filius, I suggest you do something quickly before I decide to add stinksap to your morning pumpkin juice.”
“Right then,” squeaked Flitwick. “Come along, young lady; maybe I could introduce you to Mr. Lockhart? He was a colleague of mine once; I’m sure he’d be more than delighted””
“Did someone say my name?” asked Lockhart, coming up behind Snape. His lilac cape blew out behind him as he grinned violently.
“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” Snape murmured. “Miss Hawkins””
“Sadie,” the blonde corrected him.
Snape’s nostrils flared frighteningly like McGonagall’s, and he continued as though he had not been interrupted. “Miss Hawkins was just expressing her interest in discussing your latest book.”
“”And she wanted an autograph,” Flitwick chimed in.
“Well, right this way,” Lockhart chuckled, dragging the woman off the table. “Which chapter interested you most? UnOblivated, perhaps? Do you have anything for me to sign? I’m afraid that I’m freshly out of photographs. Now, come along, dear; it’s time for the women to rotate anyway.”
“Too bad. I always liked the dark, greasy type,” the blonde sighed, as she tickled Snape’s chin with her false fingernails. Then, much to Snape’s relief, she strolled off.
“How are things going, Severus?” asked Flitwick. The little man grinned sheepishly as he wiped off the lipstick with the back of his sleeve.
“Swimmingly,” Snape growled. “So far I’ve met an idiot, a moron and an imbecile; and now a lewd, idiotic, moronic imbecile.”
“Glad you’re having a good time! I’m off to my date. She’s three-foot five and she is hot, hot, hot!” Then, dancing a little dance, Flitwick made his way across the room just as Lockhart began whistling “Love Potion Number 9.”
Snape Speed-Dating by Bethywoo
Chapter Notes: Snape is in for some more fun with the witless witches at the speed-dating event.