Witch after witch passed through Snape’s station, and Snape had the same luck with each of them. Either they were stupid, batty, girly, ugly, giddy, happy or smiley. (He especially hated the smiley ones.)
He could have sworn that one witch was under the Imperius Curse”or merely wished to impress him with her vocal/improvisational talent. After a few minutes of interrogating Snape for the most personal information (she only got his name, rank and serial number), she came out with this operatic aria:
“Who is this man with the long, sallow face?
I daresay, ’tis my friend Severus Snape,
With oily black hair all stuck to his pate.
His only companions, potions he makes!”
“‘Brews,’” Snape corrected her. “And I don’t believe that half of those words truly rhymed.”
This had sent the woman fleeing from the table in tears. A sour smile stole over Snape’s face as another woman in a large hat walked up to his table.
“I know of a toad named Trevor who would look better in that hat,” he told her. He stared up at the towering catastrophe and snorted. “On the other hand, I’d have PETA all over me.”
Affronted for some reason, that woman left as well. Good riddance.
Flitwick seemed to be having much better luck. Snape looked over his next candidate’s shoulder to see what the man was doing. Much to his annoyance, Flitwick was chatting merrily away, not even looking at the clock, which told Snape it was ten o’clock.
“Ten o’clock and all is well!” the grandfather clock bellowed.
Snape sniffed the air, which was suddenly strongly perfumed with”something. “Either someone went extra heavy on the perfume, or someone has just set off a pack of Dungbombs,” he stated, not looking at his new partner.
He then heard a little “Hem, Hem,” which caused his eyes to narrow into tiny slits. Slowly, ever so slowly, he looked directly at the woman sitting before him. “Hello, Dolores,” he said.
“Always a pleasure, Severus,” she said sweetly, her large eyes blinking innocently.
“Speaking of toads….” Snape said below his breath.
“I beg your pardon? What did you say?”
“Clearly nothing of consequence.” Snape looked over her fluffy, pink robes with the utmost disdain, then over her mousy hair, which was tied up in a matching fluffy bow. He leered at her, extracted a vial from one of his robe pockets, toasted her, then downed a mouthful of some pink liquid.
“Might I ask what you are drinking?”
Snape had been waiting for this. “An anti-nausea elixir.”
Dolores smiled benignly and began making light chit-chat. Snape downed the rest of the potion in one great gulp.
“Well, enough about me and my kittens,” she giggled, “let me hear more about you.”
Snape then clacked his tongue on the roof of mouth, staring her squarely in the eyes, his eyebrows rising up and down with each “clack.”
“Now, Severus, please””
"Click-clack. Click”"
“You know how I don’t like””
"”clack." Snape stopped, to Dolores’ most apparent relief, then leaned forward and uttered: “Boo.”
Dolores raised her arms to protect herself, screamed, then fled for her life.
Snape sighed and looked at the clock again, then at Flitwick, who was sitting up on his table, talking to a tall brunette.
“You would look so cute on my mantel back at home,” Snape heard the brunette say to Flitwick, who tittered.
“Oh stop, you’re embarrassing me.”
Snape reached for his anti-nausea elixir. “Bottoms up.” He then proceeded to drain the few drops that were left in the vial. There was a whistle and then the scraping of many chairs.
“Hitting the Fire Whiskey early, are we, Severus?” laughed Lockhart, taking a seat across from him.
“Mental note to self: never bet on the Chudley Canons."
“Sorry, what was that? I’m afraid I didn’t catch what you just said. Tut tut, we should be working on our vocal projection, now shouldn’t we? If one wants is to become a public figure, one must””
“Clearly, Lockhart,” Snape cut in, “I wasn’t talking to you, hence my lowered voice. And what exactly do you mean by sitting opposite me? The podium is that way.”
Lockhart chuckled. “Longing for the ladies, are we, Sevie?”
“Sevie” grimaced.
“Unfortunately, we seem to suddenly find ourselves at least two ladies short. So it looks like it’s just us two bachelors”well, I should say bachelor and groom-to-be.” With a grin he pointed to his ring finger. “Yes, the crazy young devil is finally settling down. I can see what you’re thinking...”
Snape leaned forward. “If you could see what I was thinking,” he replied, “you would be performing Legilimens”an art which, I know for a fact, you have failed miserably at.”
Lockhart’s smile faded for a moment, but soon he burst out laughing and grabbed one of Snape’s hands in his own. “You’re a funny man, Severus; even you must have read chapter 15 of Gadding With Ghouls,” Lockhart laughed loudly, slapping the table with his free hand. It was at that moment, Snape’s hand in Lockhart’s, that the room suddenly grew quiet and all eyes looked that way.
“My hand, Lockhart,” Snape growled, wrenching his hand free from Lockhart’s grip. “Idiot.”
“Tsk-tsk, muttering to ourselves again, Severus?” Lockhart scolded him, waving and smiling at those looking on.
Resting his head in his head in his hands, Snape groaned and said, “Lockhart, they’re not staring at you, they’re staring at us.”
“My dear chap, I never knew that you of all people craved the spotlight.” Lockhart continued to wave as, one-by-one, people turned away.
“Your stupidity is embarrassing me. But let us deviate from the subject; in fact, I would like to see you deviate yourself all the way to the next table where I’m sure some other fine gentleman would love to endure your insupportable insipidness.”
“Clever, always clever; always one with a good joke. Say, there’s something on your shoulder””
“Touch me,” said Snape in a dangerous tone, “and you will find yourself spending the rest of your life as a lilac.”
“Speaking of lilacs, what do you think of my new cape? Stunning, isn’t it?” Lockhart stood up and twirled around like a model, his cape flying out behind him.
“Somebody Oblivate me.”
“Oh, I can do that easily.” With a flash Lockhart drew out his wand. “Obli””
“Pretego!” Snape muttered in a bored tone.
The spell backfired and Lockhart jolted backwards. His smile faded once again. He looked around the room as if he had never seen it before. “Who am I?” he asked Snape.
“Julie Andrews,” Snape said calmly, “and the hills are alive”outside, many, many miles away.”
“Right-o,” Lockhart said, and ran from the room singing: “The hills are alive with the sound of music….”
Snape Speed-Dating by Bethywoo
Chapter Notes: "The Sound of Music" lyrics belong to Rogers and Hammerstein. And, as always, most of the characters belong to JKR. Thanks again, you beautiful Betas!