She was a tall, slender witch with short red hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in weeks. Behind strands of the greasy locks there peered two dark eyes that soon met Snape’s.
“Well, I’ll just leave you to”er, do whatever it is you do on a date, Snape,” said Flitwick. He turned to walk away, but Snape was standing on the hem of his robe. “Er, Severus? Would you mind moving your foot? You’re standing on my hem””
But Snape did not move. He stood there, his dark eyes locked with the witch’s.
Five minutes into the staring contest, Flitwick nudged Snape. “Severus, I think she’s into you,” he said. “Maybe you should go over there and talk to her.”
He still did not move, but said to the witch, “Clearly you are no novice at Occlumency; though you don’t need to shout quite so loudly.”
“My shouting,” said the witch, “was nothing in comparison to your sniveling.”
Snape looked murderous. But before he could do anything, Flitwick intervened. “Now, Severus, play nice. I’m sure you two will get along fine.”
“In case of any more disasters,” said Snape, his eyes never leaving the witch, “you, Filius, will be playing chaperon.”
“And I thought I had won the bet,” Flitwick sighed as he followed Snape and the witch back to the table.
“I’m assuming you have a name?” Snape asked in his coldest voice yet as they all sat.
The witch glared at him for a moment before replying, “Amara Anoush.”
“Bitter sweet, how clever.”
“And I’m assuming you, too, have a name?”
“Professor Severus Snape.”
“Tell me, Professor,” Amara scoffed, “what subject do you teach? I’m sure your students adore you.”
“Well, well, aren’t we clever? I am the Potions Master at Hogwarts, if you must know,” said Snape. “And what on God’s green earth do you do with yourself? Or are you just a vagrant drunk?”
What Amara said next shocked both Flitwick and Snape….
“I’m a Healer at Saint Mungo’s,” she said, her eyes daring him to laugh.
Snape looked as though Christmas had come early. “In what department do you work? The visitor’s tearoom and hospital shop, I suppose.”
“No, I do not,” said Amara slowly. “I work on the third floor: potion and plant poisoning. You see, Professor, I have to fix what you mess up.”
Flitwick goggled at her. Snape didn’t even flinch, and ignored the comment entirely. “I’m assuming you were a Ravenclaw?”
“Slytherin,” she replied quickly, with a hint of pride in her voice. “And I’m assuming that you were a Hufflepuff?”
“Slytherin.”
“Pureblood?”
“Half-Blood.”
“Dark Lord?”
“I’d rather we didn’t go there.”
“I see,” Amara replied, her lips turning up in a sarcastic grin.
The two then resumed staring.
“I hate to break this up,” coughed Flitwick, “but I suppose I’d better whistle.” Quickly he drew out his wand and gave it a flick in the air. It whistled and everyone began to rotate.
For the first time that evening, Snape stood up, came around behind his date and pulled the chair back for her.
“Well, aren’t you a prince,” she jeered, rising to her feet.
“As a matter of fact….” Snape let his voice trail off.
“Ugly git,” both Amara and Snape said as they parted ways.
“Oh dear,” said Flitwick. And with that, he returned to his own seat.
Snape's next date was a mime who put him in an invisible box. It took him nearly twenty minutes to figure how on earth to get out. He was very relieved when he heard the whistle again, and braced himself for the next disaster date.
“”And I will ask you to kindly keep your hands to yourself!” a sharp voice snapped above all of the chattering.
“Wait a moment,” said Snape darkly; “I know that voice.”
“Well, aren’t you a frisky little””
“Scourgefy!” the witch barked. There was a flash of blinding light and the sound of someone falling over backwards in their chair. “”Someone should have done that a long time ago,” said Minerva McGonagall, straightening her tartan robes. She then looked around the room, all eyes on her. “Well? Get on with your business.”
The crowd didn’t need telling twice.
“Good evening, Minerva.”
The witch froze and turned around. “Professor Snape!” McGonagall cried, not trying to hide her alarm.
“Out for a night on the town?”
McGonagall recovered quickly. “Just as you see. And you are out of your dungeons.”
Snape sighed a phony sigh. “Since you have brought up the subject of school””
“Here it comes,” Minerva sighed. “Yes, Professor; I am quite aware that you have been appointed to the DADA position… you’ve reminded me enough times.”
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that last part.”
“You heard me all right. Tell me, what is it that you’re doing here? Did you lose another bet?”
“Do you really think,” said Snape slowly, “that I would come here under my own power?”
“I see. And perhaps you know what exactly happened to Gilderoy?”
“His ‘Memory Charm’ backfired”again.”
“Good,” muttered Minerva.
“Would you care for some refreshment?”
“Yes, I would. Thank you, Professor.”
Snape then conjured two green snake-shaped cookies and two tankards of green pumpkin juice out of thin air. Minerva took her cookie, nodded cheers to Severus and viciously bit off the snake’s head.
***
“Well, that was a disaster,” Flitwick sighed as they left the building. “The next time I win a bet, we’re doing karaoke.”
“”Assuming that there is a next time,” Snape added coolly. “What a tedious waste of an evening.”
“I’m sure you got more out if than you realize, Severus,” said Flitwick, falling behind.
“I assure you that I got absolutely nothing out of”What are you laughing about?” Snape stopped and turned around.
“Oh, nothing.”
“Then can we finally leave?”
“Certainly,” Flitwick snickered as Snape turned around and began to walk away.
There was a piece of paper stuck on Snape’s back with the names and numbers of twenty-three witches. And as Snape turned on the spot to Disapparate, Flitwick sighed, “How did he end up with all digits?”
Snape Speed-Dating by Bethywoo
Chapter Notes: I do not own most/all of the following characters/spells: The lovely J.K. Rowling does.
And now, the final chapter of "Snape Speed-Dating"
Chapter Endnotes: A special thanks to my betas, Amber0_o and liquid_silver, for all their hard work.
I hope you enjoyed "Speed-Dating" as much as I enjoyed writing it.