Scorpius had great hair. I noticed this as I entered the Three Broomsticks, where he sat alone at a table to the side of the pub. As I approached him steadily, ignoring the trail of friends that filed in after me, I watched how his fringe fell right above his eyes, leading him to swish it effortlessly to the side. I pictured myself curling a blond lock around my finger, leaning in to kiss him...
But I had to learn to wait, knowing it would be a while before I could do that - Scorpius was still oblivious to how I felt. I knew that if I played my cards right, I wouldn’t have to wait too long.
‘Lily.’ He smiled as I reached his table, and I ignored the calls of my friends.
‘Can’t believe you’re sitting here alone,’ I mocked.
‘Well, actually –‘
He stopped in mid-sentence, a small smile etched on his lips. But it wasn’t directed at me, he was clearly distracted by something behind me.
I turned to witness what had left him speechless, not quite sure what to expect. And I had to admit, of all the people in the world, my cousin would have been the last on my list of expected individuals to leave Scorpius Malfoy without words.
But there she was, her cheeks splashed with a harsh shade of pink and two mugs of butterbeer in her hands. She looked – well - mortified to see me.
As it hit me, I felt my heart sink. Here I was, expecting the opportunity to confess my love for Scorpius in the middle of a crowded pub, when he was already there with another girl. And not just any girl, it was Rose.
My immediate reaction was, when the hell did this happen? I thought I’d been the only one in this family who was in contact with Scorpius Malfoy. What does she have to do with him? I wondered, realising that in a matter of seconds, it felt like Rose had spoiled everything.
I knew I was being totally irrational. Just because she was at his table with two drinks in her hands did not mean they were dating.
But really, it did.
‘Lily,’ she said, and I couldn’t help but notice the anxiety in her tone.
Well, if Rose didn’t want anyone to see her with Scorpius, she probably shouldn’t have chosen the most popular place in Hogsmeade to spend time with him. I glared at her.
She continued to stand there clutching the butterbeer.
‘Rose,’ I said, smiling. ‘Put the drinks on the table, and sit down. It’s what tables and chairs are for.’
Scorpius laughed, which left me feeling slightly elated. Rose did as I told her, continuing to blush. She clearly wanted me out of there, and I myself couldn’t develop a reason to impose on their date any longer.
‘My friends are waiting,’ I said pathetically, indicating to the large crowd of fifth-years taking their seats in the pub.
‘All right,’ Scorpius smiled. ‘See you.’
I grudgingly turned away and joined their rather crowded table. Nobody had bothered to order me a drink, but I did not want to risk passing Rose and Scorpius again to get one for myself. So I sat there silently, without even a drink to distract myself from my frustration with both myself and Rose.
Becoming preoccupied with the task of keeping my eyes averted from Rose and Scorpius’ table, I found it impossible to engage in any conversation with my own group. I knew that by looking over at them, I could see something I didn’t want to see. But at the same time... I really wanted to see.
I gave in, glancing over to their table. Rose’s back faced me, but I didn’t need to see her face to tell she was nervous. Noticing how much this pleased me, I began to feel slightly guilty. It wasn’t really Rose’s fault she was so terrible with the opposite sex. I wasn’t even sure how she’d managed to score herself a date with Scorpius in the first place.
I knew that I was being horribly bitchy, and I doubted she deserved my resentment. But I didn’t intend on behaving that way to her face.
I leaned further back in my chair to catch a better look at Scorpius, though trying not to be blatantly obvious about it. His expression startled me slightly, then hit me hard, awakening jealously I’d never felt before in my life. He stared at Rose, just stared, in such a way I’d never witnessed before on a person. The closest I could compare it to was the way my Dad sometimes looked at my Mum, like he could block everything else out in the world just to hear her say something that was probably completely boring.
Knowing full well that Rose didn’t have that many interesting things say, I realised that Scorpius must really like her. He never looked at me that way; he’d always glance around the room during a conversation with me, probably in search of someone better to talk to, maybe in search of Rose.
I watched how his eyes never left the vicinity of her face, even as he sipped his butterbeer. He, unlike Rose, seemed completely at ease. Of course he is, I thought. Scorpius was well aware of the fact that he could be with almost any girl at Hogwarts... he just didn’t know that I was one of them.
Deciding I couldn’t watch much more of this, I turned away, attempting to participate in the fifth-year conversations. Finding them exceptionally dull, I allowed myself a few glances at my cousin and her date throughout the afternoon. They were consistently uninteresting the entire time, talking quietly to each other and barely even touching. I was beginning to see this as a good sign, until Scorpius reached over the small table and placed a few fingers on Rose’s hand.
I watched him mutter something to her, and they both stood up, hands still touching. I craned my neck to watch them exit the crowded pub, and before I knew it, I had jumped up from my seat and excused myself from the group.
I was well aware of how neurotic this was, stalking the boy I liked while he was on a date. But I decided that if were to get caught, I could always use the ‘concerned cousin’ excuse.
I trudged through the busy Hogsmeade streets, hurrying to catch up with them. I caught sight of their heads over the stream of Hogwarts students, and rushed a few paces ahead. While plotting the easiest way to keep track of them, I also tried to convince myself that I was only going to return back to my own dormitory. It became quite plain to me that I had lost my mind.
The crowd of students thinned as each broke off into different directions of the castle. I had to keep my footsteps quiet and remain a fair way back or else they’d notice me. For a moment, I even wished that I had my father’s invisibility cloak... Yes, I concluded, my mind is definitely lost.
I shoved that thought to the farthest place in my head, and attempted to dial down the crazy. This proved itself to be impossible as I continued to follow the easily recognisable red hair of my cousin as we reached the grounds of Hogwarts. Their hands hadn’t left each other’s the entire way, and my jealousy only continued to build up. They were oblivious to my stalker activities, and while I should have been thankful for this, I realised that at this moment, they really only had eyes for each other.
I noticed that they seemed to be heading towards the lake. Scorpius’ face was turned towards Rose’s as they walked; he appeared to be listening to her with great interest again. Rose, on the other hand, had her head tilted to the ground. I could almost feel her awkwardness from my distance away.
As the two settled themselves down on the grass by the lake, bodies in a proximity that was far too close, I realised that I probably needed to stop this. This, crazy-Lily, wasn’t who I really was. Despite how I often behaved, I loved my family - Rose included. Putting my feelings for Scorpius aside, I knew that I needed to walk away.
I was about to turn, but after taking a final glance at Scorpius and Rose, I paused. I watched, motionless; distraught, as Scorpius lifted a pale hand slowly and held it to Rose’s neck. I suppose time seemed to have stopped for me, and everything else surrounding. The only movement I saw was Rose leaning in, and Scorpius doing the same.
I closed my eyes as my head started to spin; this, I could not watch. I turned, only opening my eyes when I faced the other way entirely, and sprinted through the castle grounds and up the stairs to the Entrance Hall.
The image of the two of them refused to erase itself from my mind, and all the while, I couldn’t help but think: it should have been me.
The Gryffindor common room was strangely quiet that evening. I found myself thankful yet irritated because of this; thankful because I didn’t exactly feel like speaking to anyone, but irritated because the quiet meant that there was nothing to distract me from my thoughts.
I stared blankly at the near empty room from where I sat by the fire, furious with, well, mostly myself. As much as I wanted to blame Scorpius for making me feel this way, I knew that I couldn’t. Despite my constant flirting, it was quite clear that he was oblivious to my feelings towards him, so how could I be mad when he dated other girls? But that was just it; I did constantly flirt, so how could he not realise? Wondering this led me to assume that I was completely rubbish at flirting, at conveying my feelings.
Or maybe I wasn’t. There was a chance Scorpius had read my signals and decided to brush them off anyway. Realising this made me cringe in embarrassment. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping in vain that this would close off my thoughts, too. But the thoughts continued to rush in and out of my mind, and I found myself over-analysing every situation that I had been in with Scorpius.
Eventually, this was interrupted by the familiar sound of the portrait hole opening. I snapped open my eyes, and had to stifle a groan upon witnessing who had entered the quiet common room.
Rose clambered in clumsily, half-heartedly adjusting her robes. As she lifted her head I noticed that her freckled cheeks were stained in a light pink, causing me to picture her practically skipping her way back to the common room after her date with Scorpius. A pang of hot jealously ran through me.
I watched her scan the room, her eyes eventually finding my spot in the corner. At first, I was unsure if she would approach me, but she soon headed my way.
I closed my eyes for a brief moment, inhaling deeply. It was going to take all of my strength just to live through a conversation with my cousin, but I was not going to let my emotions show though.
She smiled as she reached me and took a seat in front of the fire. I didn’t speak as she leant forward and warmed her hands against the flame; I couldn’t quite form the right words.
Rose looked a lot like her mum. Give her brown hair and a degree in Magical Law, and they could almost be the same person. I also supposed that she also looked a bit like me. The curls of her hair that fell over her shoulders were almost the exact same shade of red as mine. Strangely enough, we both had brown eyes, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d probably guess that our freckles matched, too.
Rose wasn’t perfect, but she was pretty – pretty enough for Scorpius Malfoy. I guess I had assumed that he wouldn’t settle for just pretty, I was certain that Scorpius wanted perfection. Perhaps this was why I had still not told him how I felt about him. I knew I didn’t handle rejection well, not at all.
Now, however, it would be impossible to find out if I would be rejected or not – all thanks to Rose.
I stared at my cousin silently, waiting for her to speak. It was a mystery to me as to why she had joined me. If she wanted to be silent, she could have done that up in her dormitory.
I found myself irritated at her unreadable expression, and decided I may as well initiate some conversation. ‘How was your day with Scorpius, then?’ I forced out, trying extremely hard to conceal my bitterness.
Rose finally turned her head to face me, the firelight reflecting off her eyes. ‘It was... good,’ she said, smiling slightly. I still couldn’t quite interpret her expression; Rose easily hid her true feelings, save when she was angry.
I breathed in heavily, it was clear that she wasn’t going to share any further information with me. Not that I really wanted to know. ‘That’s great, Rose. I’m glad,’ I said, not really knowing why. I did want Rose to know how much it crushed me that she, of all people, got to kiss Scorpius Malfoy when I didn’t. But I couldn’t tell her.
I may have behaved horribly today and over-stepped the line completely, but I loved my cousin. And it killed me that the one thing that made her happy was something I wanted all for myself.
I watched as Rose brought up her legs and sat cross legged on the couch, making herself comfortable. At this moment, her face became something that I could easily read. Her expression was almost blank, but I could see it in her eyes. They glistened, perhaps from the flame that was mirrored in her pupils, in such a way that made me realise her happiness, her satisfaction. This was when the anger started to build up again.
Why was it that she had to have Scorpius? What made her more worthy than me? Scorpius and I had been friends long before she’d even said a word to him! And did it even occur to her that I might have feelings for him, too? Apparently not. Either that or she didn’t give a damn. Rose should have come to me first, she knew that Scorpius and I were close. She had no right to just barge in and take what was mine.
My sudden change in mood caused me to jump up abruptly, startling Rose. ‘I’m tired,’ I announced. ‘Goodnight.’ I crossed the room in a few swift paces, not daring to glance back at Rose.
*
I awoke on Sunday morning suspended in momentary bliss, yesterday’s events forgotten for just a few sweet seconds. And then it all came back to me.
I sighed, pulling the blankets from my body and then yanking open the curtains of my four-poster bed. My eyes were immediately struck by the sunlight that filled the room – I’d clearly slept in a lot later than I normally would have. I glanced around and noticed that the three other beds in my dormitory were unoccupied. ‘Don’t worry about waking me up, guys,’ I grumbled sleepily to myself.
I trudged over to the dresser and pulled out some clothes. After putting them on, I took a quick glance at the mirror. I wasn’t too pleased with my reflection. I quickly grabbed a brush from my bedside table and ran it through my knotted hair. It would have to be good enough, I supposed as I grabbed my wand and headed down to the Great Hall.
It seemed to have become a habit of mine to enter an empty Great Hall, but there were no classes to be in today, so I could take all the time I needed. I didn’t much feel like eating, but I supposed I should.
Taking a seat at the Gryffindor table, I happily noticed that Rose wasn’t around this morning. As I was pouring milk into my cereal, out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure sit down beside me. At first I’d expected it to be a fellow fifth-year, perhaps someone wondering where I had gotten to yesterday. My mouth half-filled with cereal, I turned to see the bright face of Scorpius Malfoy. I nearly spat out the contents of my mouth.
I choked down the cereal, coughing as I inhaled. ‘Scorpius,’ I spluttered. Smooth, Lily, I thought to myself.
‘Lily,’ Scorpius said, poorly concealing his amusement. ‘How are things?’
I was at first slightly confused as to why Scorpius was sitting with me, after he had so cruelly broken my heart yesterday. But then it occurred to me that he had absolutely no idea that he had. As far as he was aware, we were still the best of friends.
‘Things are fine,’ I lied.
He grinned at me, and I felt my heart flutter. ‘Great,’ he said. ‘What are you up to today?’
I felt my brow furrow. ‘Nothing,’ I said warily. ‘Why?’
He shrugged casually. ‘I just thought we could hang out or something. My mates are all busy.’
I narrowed my eyebrows further, wondering why he wasn’t asking Rose instead of me. ‘Isn’t there anyone else?’ I asked.
Scorpius’ expression became slightly offended. ‘Yes, I suppose there is. But I was under the impression that you and I were friends. Clearly I was mis-’
‘No!’ I interrupted quickly – too quickly. ‘I mean, it’s fine. We can hang out. What did you want to do?’
His face relaxed, but I was still confused. Obviously there wasn’t anything more I’d rather do than spend the day with him, but I’d assumed he’d rather spend it with Rose.
‘Nothing in particular,’ he said, standing up from his seat. ‘How ‘bout a walk?’
I smiled and stood, my confusion being replaced by something much more pleasant. Who cared if Scorpius should be spending the day with Rose? I wasn’t about to complain that he’d decided to spend it with me.
We strolled slowly out the front entrance in silence, only speaking once we’d stepped outdoors. ‘So, did you have fun in Hogsmeade yesterday?’ he asked.
This was just the conversation I’d hoped to avoid. I hated to lie, but I couldn’t possibly imagine telling Scorpius how my day really was, that I’d stalked him while he was on a date with my cousin. ‘It wasn’t too bad,’ I said lightly.
We walked a fair distance before either of us spoke again, taking a seat on some large rocks by the lake. I didn’t want to ask how his day was, I’d already discovered enough details by myself. But it appeared Scorpius wanted to tell me anyway. ‘I had a good day, too,’ he said.
I didn’t answer.
‘Rose is...’ he began, and my stomach dropped as he mentioned her name. ‘Well, she’s something.’
I glanced up at him, not knowing what to make of this. ‘Good something or bad something?’ I questioned, sincerely wondering.
He stared back at me and grinned. ‘Great something.’
I immediately looked away. Why was he telling me this? It was the last thing I wanted to hear.
‘Lily?’ he asked, obviously noticing the hurt I had failed to hide.
Instead of looking up, I muttered, ‘Sorry, I forgot – I have loads of homework to do,’ and stood up from the rock.
Scorpius laughed slightly. ‘Since when do you do homework on a Sunday?’
I couldn’t help but look back at him. ‘Since I realised that there was more to life that just having fun.’ My tone was far colder that I’d intended it to be, but I still turned to walk away.
‘Lily,’ Scorpius repeated quickly, and I felt the soft touch of his hand on my arm, pulling me back.
I looked up at him, noticing that he was now standing too. ‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.
His gaze was intense, I felt breathless as his hard eyes looked into mine. ‘Nothing,’ I whispered harshly.
Scorpius scoffed. ‘Yeah, right. I know you, Lily. Something’s wrong.’ Now each of his hands were holding my arms, I couldn’t breathe. ‘Is it something to do with Rose?’
Her again, I thought bitterly, looking down at the ground between us.
‘Do you think she’s too good for me or something?’ he asked jokingly.
I glanced up at him again, his lips smiled playfully. ‘No,’ I said seriously, ‘quite the opposite, actually.’
As realisation finally hit Scorpius, his grip on my arms loosened slightly, but his hands remained in this same warm position. His expression was knowing, but not once did he look away.
I took this as a good sign, and all thoughts of Rose Weasley fled my mind. Our bodies were so close that I had lost all control of my mind and physical self. I wasn’t sure how long it took for my face to inch closer to his, or even if he had realised what I was doing. The last I saw before I had pressed my lips against Scorpius’ was a look of deep confusion spread across his face.
And then he had pulled away.
His eyes were suddenly wide, shocked. But he wasn’t looking at me anymore.
I turned my head around, perplexed that something else could have caught his attention after that moment. But it all made sense as my eyes met a tall male figure that was approaching us at a rapid pace. I didn’t need a close view to figure out whom that messy black hair belonged to. From this distance away I could clearly tell that Albus Potter was quickly closing in on Scorpius and I, a look of pure fury etched on his face.