As the seven friends ate their breakfast at the Gryffindor table the next morning, another person separated by the semi-permeable membrane of a computer screen and a few rooms ate his. Tim the Enchanter munched on his cold, sugary cereal unusually aggressively. To put it in simple words, he was just plain mad… as in angry, not insane that is.
Twice he had attacked the revolutionaries in his story, and twice he had failed to break them. To make matters worse, their retaliations were growing in intensity and sophistication. With the e-mail fiasco still fresh in his mind, he was not looking forward to discovering their next move.
Once done eating, he went to his computer and checked everything he could think of. He went over his Word documents, e-mails, and all of his accounts on the Internet. Everything appeared to be fine until he went onto his online checking balance...
“AH, CHRIST!”
Back at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, the revolutionaries were feeling equally grim. True, they had stolen all of the author’s college money and sunk him deep in debt, but no one was thick enough to think that Tim would just give up after that “ knowing him, that would just make him even angrier. The war had simply escalated into a vengeful war of attrition, with each side retaliating in response to the enemy’s attacks until one threw in the sponge. A sane conclusion never looked so distant.
What would the author do in the next chapter? Meagan obviously had a theory: “This third attack is probably going to be final battle of the story. Whoever wins this one wins the war,” she hypothesised unhappily, despite the prospect of an imminent conclusion.
“What makes you think that?” asked Wat.
“It’s just a feeling,” she murmured, dreamily stabbing a piece sausage with a guitar pick. “I think that if the war continues after this strike, that would be dragging out the story too much. For the sake of a simple plot, there are three confrontations, each building up for the last one, and that’s what we’re up against in the next chapter… The Big One.”
That made sense, but that didn’t make anyone feel any better. If that was the case (as it probably was) they only had about one thousand words of peace left before the story collapsed into chaotic goobledegook, and they were enjoying those last few moments, staring at nothing…
But suddenly, the tarpaulin that was plugging up the hole in the ceiling fell off, and glorious sunlight flooded into the Great Hall like a symbol of hope or a brighter future or something. It didn’t matter that it was actually morning and the sun wasn’t directly overhead, thus making that impossible “ the sight was beautiful and perhaps even poetic, and that was all that mattered.
In another unlikely turn of events that suddenly favoured The Absurd Fanfic Revolution, the wrecked doors of the Great Hall creaked open and a crowd of people walked in “ nobody mistook them to be hostile.
“IS WAT TYLER HERE?” bellowed one of the arrivals, as if his voice only had one volume setting “ Ludicrously Loud. He wore only a crimson cape and leather underpants, and he looked suspiciously like Gerard Butler from the movie 300.
Putting aside his woes for the upcoming battle, Wat mustered his voice and courage and answered, “Yes. That’s me.”
The strangers walked briskly up the aisle to where Wat was, who was now standing. “We’re here to join your revolution!” one of the new recruits said with fervour.
“We’re character malcontents from some of Tim’s other stories!” another piped.
There were only a few dozen of them, but the new arrivals did much to lift the pall of gloom that was in place at the beginning of the chapter. The paradigm shift in the mood was startling.
Without further ado, the new arrivals launched into explanations about why they hated Tim the Enchanter so much. Some were angry that they had no characterisation to speak of, like most people of The Absurd Fanfic Revolution. Others had more specific grievances:
“I wasted twenty Galleons buying a Chocolate Frog Card, my wife kicked me out of the house and almost divorced me, I had to pay a hundred Galleons for a hospital bill, and another two hundred Galleons and three months in Azkaban for theft and assault! All for that stupid Benjamin Dover card!” a man simply named ‘Roy’ complained.
“And Tim ruined my Quidditch career!” added a heavily bandaged man in crutches, who identified himself as Edmund Montgomery. “A bloody butterfly got stuck in my glasses, so I fell off my broom and got clobbered “ but the butterfly got the happy ending! Talk about adding insult to injury!”
“AND I WAS INCLUDED IN THAT STUPID CROSSOVER!” King Leonidas said softly… not.
Even Lord Voldemort was in the disgruntled crowd. He was wearing bright yellow Wellington boots and a blue overcoat, and cuddled in his arm was a flamingo named Mr Sexy Pink. “Why did Tim have to save over Git.doc?” he bemoaned. “I loved being out of character “ it was fun! And Tim is sexy!”
Wat and those around him listened patiently to the deluge of abuse directed towards their common enemy “ the tyrannical author. Once they had their say, Wat had a sudden impulse to give an inspiring speech, as was customary before a big battle “ he had been inspired, for The Absurd Fanfic Revolution had greatly transcended the boundaries of this story alone, and more and more people were willing to fight for their cause. He climbed on top of the Gryffindor table, standing directly underneath the sun’s radiant spotlight.
“Fanfiction characters! The end approaches!” he announced dramatically to the surging score from the movie Braveheart. Since he wasn’t mounted on a horse, he simply paced back and forth slightly and gestured for effect, he but always kept his eyes on the enraptured crowd.
“The struggle has been long, it has been hard, and we have suffered much. But our final and eternal victory is at hand “ we need only to seize it with the force of our wands and the strength of our courage! However undeveloped and incomplete, we are free characters, and no matter the outcome of this battle, we will die free “ free from the author’s yoke at last! Many of us have no names, faces, or personalities, but we have proven to the fanfiction world beyond all doubt that we are willing to fight and die for our present, cherished mediocrity “ but we have the power to become so much more! Leading you in battle has been my short existence’s greatest honour, for before me I see a whole army of my fellow fanfiction characters, standing in defiance of Tim’s tyranny! We will fight, and fight we will, one last time!”
Legs spread in an inspirational stance that told of a man of true greatness, Wat unsheathed his wand and pointed it straight towards the heavens like a sword. There was a shower of red sparks “ the colour of blood and sacrifice “ and Wat cried out in a great shout, “My friends, TO BATTLE!”
There was a reverberating roar of zealous approval, of determination “ “HURRAH!” The hundred fifty few fighters who remained “ those hardy survivors and the new recruits “ followed Wat’s example and saluted with their wands, flooding the air in the Great Hall with the burning symbols and bangs of their resolve. Characters shouted, laughed, and cried. Meagan and Harriet had a sisterly embrace, and Zigmond and Alice finally took their character roles to heart and were locked in a passionate snog. Chris bellowed “ELEPHANT!” with gusto, and John announced, “I’m proud of my name, no matter how you spell it!”
But The Absurd Fanfic Revolutionaries’ battle cries were interrupted by a sequence of slow, thunderous blows. The entire Great Hall went quiet, all eyes transfixed on the great double doors.
The author himself “ Tim the Enchanter “ was just outside, knocking to come in.
Hello there, reader people!
Yes, this is the intermission! Let us take a nice break in the middle of the story to catch our breath. If you're feeling a bit peckish (like I am right now), you might want to get some food, drinks, or nuclear octopi from your refrigerator.
So sit back and relax, loyal readers. In a few magnificent moments, you will have the pleasure of reading THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER!
There will be fighting!
There will be glory!
There will be tiny inklings of romance!
THERE WILL BE ABSURDITY!