Sirius sat in the blackness, leaning against the rickety wall with his head in his hands. The room almost looked how he felt, broken and silent, but not completely like him. A room could not feel betrayed, and a room could not feel pain; but it could be cold and alone, and that was close enough.
The shrieking shack had known the wrath of a werewolf and seen destruction of everything inside, but it had not known the rage that poured from Sirius, rolling down his cheeks in hot streams of tears.
He was going to tell her he loved her. She betrayed him and broke him.
He wanted so desperately to hate her. He wanted to say he was a fool to have trusted her and she was gone from his mind, but even the idea was positively impossible. His mind reeled as he sat in the dark, a fine layer of dust swirling around his feet, disturbed by the wind seeping through the cracks in the walls and the gentle sway of the very foundation of the house.
Why did anyone bother to fall in love? What’s the point if the only reward is to be destroyed by the one person you hold above all others? He clenched his fist, angry at himself for letting her enchant him the way she had, but at the back of his mind, he knew that those in love had no choice to be so.
His agonized tears fell like rain to the splintered floor beneath him. His whole world had imploded and his broken heart could hold no more tears. All his pain, anger, devastation, and lost love poured from his eyes.
His fists clenched so tightly that his nails bit into his palms, but that was not what mattered. Sirius didn’t even spare the twinge of pain a moment’s thought. He could not wrap his mind around the thought that he didn’t see the deception that was right in front of him. Her eyes glittered with light whenever she saw him, how could you fake such light, such happiness? His mind ran through the past six months. They were the happiest months of his life, but where had he gone wrong?
He thought of the first time he saw her, a beautiful brunette with such life in her eyes. She only got more beautiful day after day. She seemed so happy when he finally asked her to date him. And the funny thing is, he had never been so happy either. He’d dated before, but never like this.
How could joy be so deceitful? Could you fake a blush?
How could it be that every moment she had spent with him was a lie? But how could it not have been? How could anyone care about both him and Snivellus? Stupid Snape. Sirius couldn’t keep a grimace off of his face as he played the scene over and over again in his head. The sound of Snape calling Addie by name made him sick to his stomach.
All those smiles were fake. The perfect dates were pointless, and every time he had held her, he may as well have held a suit of armor. At least the suit of armor would never have thrown his love in his face.
He physically felt like he had been hit by a truck. His body ached with misery. He felt as though there was a brick on his chest, restricting his breath and crushing his heart until all the life was drained from him.
He wondered why he even loved her. For ages she’d been distant… and all that time he had thought it was because of Nell, but no. It was all because of Snape. He had ignored it; brushed it off. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have fallen for her beautiful smile and her adorable laugh, her kind heart, her carefree attitude? It was just that, though. He fell for her because of everything that now seemed like a mask.
How long had this been going on for right under his nose? A week? A month? The thought of him having to share Addie’s heart with Snape made him sick. She was too good for a rat like him… But then again, maybe they were perfect for one another; he a demon and she the queen of deception.
He felt restless and couldn’t manage sitting in one spot any longer. He pushed himself up off the ground and began pacing the room, his fingers locked behind his head since he didn’t know what else to do with them. His movement stirred the dust from the floor, filling the air like smoke, making the air harder to breathe and leaving a foul taste in his mouth. It only added to his aggravation and his agony turned to anger. His fingers grasped at his hair and he closed his eyes tight, desperately trying to forget Addie and all the pain she had brought him.
After all he’d done to keep her safe from Snape… He’d watched her on the map day after day for weeks just to keep her safe. A lot of good that did. How can he keep her safe from the person she wanted to be with?
Sirius let out a disgusted groan as his thoughts wandered to Nell. Her best friend. Addie must have known. Must have known what he had done. She… she did know. She had said it herself to Snape just today. She had known exactly what he had done. She willingly sought after the guy who singlehandedly destroyed her best friend’s life. The guy who nearly killed her… and she was sneaking away to be with him. His pacing grew faster and faster as anger boiled up in his chest. He would explode soon, he wanted out; he wanted to scream and to run.
God, she had known all of it… how could you lo… he wouldn’t allow himself to think it. She did not love Snape. Snape has hurt too many people. How could anyone love him? He hurt Sirius, he hurt Nell; and when he hurt Nell, he hurt Remus. He would never forgive Snape for that. Nor Addie. Remus was his best friend and didn’t deserve the hurt that he got. No one deserved the hurt that they were all dealt because of one damned evil boy and the cheating whore who chose a beast over her best friend.
All of this is Snape’s fault. Well, not all of it… It’s Addie’s fault too. Remus even said so. He had told Sirius that Addie was lying… but he ignored it because he was more concerned about Nell. He hadn’t understood what he meant when he had blamed it on Addie… But he could see it now; Remus had told him that it was all Addie’s fault…
Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes flying open wide and his jaw dropped, though his breath caught in his throat. His heart skipped a beat as his arms fell limply to his side. The only thing that moved was the dust slowly drifting back towards the floor in the silence.
Remus knew. His shock quickly turned to anger and his fists clenched. Every muscle in his body tightened and his mind screamed with rage, a fire before his eyes. He couldn’t handle it anymore and he closed his eyes and let out a scream. He did all he could to drain every emotion-every feeling from his body, but even after he was gasping for breath, the yell hadn’t even scratched the surface of his misery.
He turned to the nearest thing to him, a small table leaning to one side because it was missing a leg, and kicked it. The wood splintered easily and flew in every direction. The release felt good, and only fired Sirius up even more. He grabbed at another table and hurled it across the room. It collided with the opposite wall, shattering and causing the ancient walls to groan in protest.
Sirius made a grab at the standing lamp in the corner but stopped when he heard the noise of a door squeak outside of the room. He put the lamp down quietly and waited for another sign of an intruder. He waited while slowly the door to the room cracked open.
“Sirius?” he heard as Remus’ face appeared in the doorway.
Sirius’ rage returned full blow and the only thing he could think to do was to explode with anger, and he very nearly did. He suddenly shifted into the form of a beastly black dog, vicious and rasping barks burst from between his massive jaws. Remus’ eyes widened and just as Sirius pounced at the door, Remus turned and slammed it shut. Sirius collided with the door, but the quick ache barely fazed him. Nothing could distract him from all the feelings that practically seeped through every pore of his body.
A low growl was constantly rolling from his throat as he stared at the worn door. “Sirius, please,” Remus begged. Sirius would show him no mercy. Not now. Not while he was still burning from the poison that Addie had injected into his very core. Remus had now played a part of that. His growl only grew louder.
“Sirius, please let me in. I was worried about you. Addie tol”” But Remus did not finish his sentence. As soon as Addie’s name had passed through his lips, Sirius’ fierce barks pierced the air, ending with a vicious snarl.
“Sirius, not like this. Just… let’s just talk…” The growling coming from the dog slowed, though the fur on his back still stood on end, until he shifted back into the form of the miserable boy he had been a moment ago. His whole body shook with anger as he slowly backed away against the wall, distancing himself from Remus who stood just behind the door.
He watched with a venomous glare as the door slowly swung open and crashed against the wall, erupting a cloud of dust into the air. Remus stood hesitantly in the doorway, waiting for Sirius to make the first move or speak the first word. He didn’t want to overstep his boundaries.
“You knew,” was all that Sirius could manage to say. Remus looked as though he was considering denial, but eventually sighed and nodded at his friend.
“Thanks for the heads up, pal. So glad you told me that Addie was cheating.” There was a biting tremor in Sirius’ voice that was nearly as frightening as the vicious howls of the hound that had only just stood before Remus.
“Sirius, I… I couldn’t… I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re right, Remus,” Sirius said, pushing off the wall and slowly stepping towards Remus as a lion would its prey, “This feels SO much better; betrayed by the girl I love and my best friend all in the same breath.”
Remus’ features portrayed his hurt, obviously distraught by the situation as well, but the expression on Remus’ face almost managed to make Sirius even angrier. Remus had no idea what this felt like. What right did he have to feel hurt? He was at least in control of the situation he’d landed in. Sirius was just stuck between a rock and a flame and he was being burned to death.
Remus stammered over his words. “I wasn’t trying to betray you. I didn’t mean for you to ever find out about it. Addie had stopped talking to him… as soon as she found out about what happened over the summer months. As far as I know, she hadn’t spoken a word to him in months. I was hoping this would all just blow over and you could avoid all the pain you’re feeling now.”
“So it’s okay that my girlfriend is a liar and a cheat as long as I never found out about it, then? So glad to have you looking out for my well being.” Sirius was still slowly advancing towards Remus and the door, not wanting to be stuck in a room with anyone just then.
“I hadn’t thought of it like that… I hadn’t thought of it much at all, to be honest. I hadn’t realized how much you cared for her… I was hoping she was like the others.”
By his time, Sirius had reached the door and Remus. He stood right near him and gave Remus one more lethal glare before pushing past him through the doorway. He muttered, “Me too,” before he left the Shrieking Shack with his head hanging low and his feet dragging through the dirt down the passage that led him away from Remus and back to the school.
The Pain of Passion by BeautyInTheBreakdown
Chapter Notes: I am not Jo and therefore do not own HP.
Sirius is upset.