He wasn’t even the same person anymore. His world was torn apart. He had let himself love, and all it had brought him was pain. Now he had become just another miserable teen, walking the corridors from class to class staring at his shoes.
Days and days passed, but they were just exes on the calendar. He felt empty and he didn’t know what he could do to help it. Normally he’d rely on his friends in these times, or maybe even Addie, but that was all gone. Addie was… well, they didn’t speak, to put it kindly.
Even the Marauders were changed. He could barely look at Remus for his feelings of betrayal. James and Peter sensed it. Peter was never much help, he was always the quiet one unless the others needed a chorus of approving laughter. James did what he could, though. For the first few days, he tried to lighten the mood, but after countless times of being the only one laughing, he gave up. Remus was in a world of his own mourning as well, and James had no idea how to help, especially since he didn’t even know the whole story.
He knew that Nell left, but not why. He had guessed many reasons, ranging from illness to finding out about Remus and his ‘furry little problem,’ but nothing close to the real reason. He also knew that Addie cheated, but Sirius had refused to say with whom. The thought was enough to make his stomach churn, and he saw no need to give specifics.
Because of everything, Sirius felt like little more than a bitter shell. Lessons went in one ear and out the other, the Marauders were silent at meals, and his heart still ached for the girl he loved.
The silence was not all because he had nothing to say. He had so much to say. Yelling at Remus hadn’t made it better. He wished he could just move on, but it seemed so impossible. What’s worse is he wanted to yell at Addie, and even more, he wanted to get back at Snape. He didn’t just want it, he needed it. It consumed him.
He thought every day, every moment, how redeeming it would feel if Snape knew how he felt. It would be so… perfect if Snape could even glimpse the pain he had caused so many people. The slimy git deserved pain. Sirius lay awake night after night, tormenting over the trouble that Snape had caused all of his friends. What had any of them done to deserve what they had gotten? Nothing. But Sirius would make sure that Snape would get what he deserved. He wasn’t sure how, but he would find a way; if not for himself, then for Nell.
It had been two weeks since he and Addie had spoken, and even longer since he had really spoken with Remus. Remus had hardly spoken in the month since Nell left. Things naturally got even quieter since their fight in the Shrieking Shack.
The silence grew thicker as the days passed. Everyone seemed on edge, even James and Peter. Everyone just missed the joy they had in their best friends. James had been spending more time with Lily lately, and Sirius didn’t blame him. Snape had taken everything from him now. He had always been a git, but now he had taken Addie and even his friends from him.
Sirius was sitting in silence in the library, enjoying the ringing in the air. He had taken to the library because silence in the library was normal. It made him feel like things were still the way they had been a month ago. But even then, two weeks ago Sirius wouldn’t be caught dead in the library, so even that was abnormal. On the bright side, he’d been getting perfect marks for weeks. There was plenty of time for homework with no friends and no sleep.
Sirius sat back and closed his charms book after an hour or so of staring at his homework without much progress. His mind continuously wandered to other things; more important things. He thought nearly anything was more important than charms on that particular day. He leaned his chair back onto two legs so he could stretch. It was too late that he realized the mistake he had made in doing so. “Mr. Black!” came Madame Pince’s shrill cry of disapproval from behind a nearby stack. Sirius lazily lowered the chair down onto four legs, collected his things, and trudged out of the library while Madame Pince glared at him the whole time.
Sirius watched his feet, scuffing his heels on every step as he walked through the castle doors and headed out towards the lake. He fancied the thought of a walk alone in the early afternoon sun. As he drew nearer to the water, he raised his gaze and regretted his extended observation of his feet as he walked. When he looked up, his eyes fell on a familiar pair of shoes stretched out just a few meters in front of him. Remus was perched against his favorite tree, twisting a few blades of grass between his fingers with an open book lying untouched in his lap.
Remus stopped dead in his tracks and quickly changed directions, heading away from Remus hoping that he had not noticed. Avoiding Remus made barely speaking easier and less awkward. There was no luck, though, because after only a few more steps, Sirius heard Remus call his name. Sirius sighed and turned to face his friend. He couldn’t ignore Remus. Just because he himself was too stubborn and hurt to apologize, it didn’t give him grounds to be rude.
Remus wasted no time with small talk, for he did not care at all for the little squabble between the two of them. He walked directly up to Sirius with a severe look on his face. “You do know what tonight is, right?”
Sirius only stared blankly at Remus. How was he supposed to know what tonight was? He had barely had communication with anyone in two weeks.
“I should stress, night,” Remus clarified for Sirius.
He understood immediately. “Full moon,” muttered Sirius, distracted by his new thoughts. Remus nodded expectantly. Sirius had completely forgotten Remus’ “furry little problem” lately, too wrapped up in his own thoughts. He had not considered how this altercation would change things. He frowned; thinking of the great adventures him and his friends had, and slowly shook his head. “Tomorrow is not good for me.”
“Oh,” Remus said, looking stunned, “Well in that case, I’ll put it off until Monday. We can just ask the moon to wait a few nights.”
Sirius did not like the sarcastic tone, but did not blame Remus. This was a big deal for him. Sirius knew that, but still there was a part of him telling him that he shouldn’t spend a night with the wolf any time soon. “I’m sorry, Remus, I’m just not feeling up to it. I’m not myself…”
“That’s crap and you know it,” Remus said, anger now apparent in his voice and face. “You’re being unreasonable, Sirius. This has gone too far.”
“What do you need me for anyway?” Sirius mumbled, regretting having said it the moment it slipped through his lips. He knew why.
“James and Peter can’t handle the wolf alone. They’ll have to keep me inside. I’ll tear myself apart… you know I do when I’m trapped after months of roaming free. You can’t do this, Sirius. Quit being so selfish. You’re not the only one who’s been hurt.”
Remus had hit a nerve. “If this is your idea of buttering me up to persuade me to go, you’re doing a miserable job. I said I can’t do it, so I can’t. That’s it,” he asserted before turning and stalking away, leaving his friend standing like a statue, a hurt and furious look etched into the lines in his face.
Sirius nearly hated himself for what he had just done. Remus was right, he was being selfish. But how could he go out with a werewolf while he’s feeling like this? He’s never attentive anymore and he can barely control his own anger sometimes, much less the anger of a wolf. Besides, Remus had done this before. He’s had years of experience of being locked up… and Madame Pomfrey always does a great job of healing him…
But Remus didn’t deserve to be alone in this, and Sirius knew that. No one deserved that. No one even deserved the transformation into a wolf. Remus was mourning too. Perhaps he should go out, even if just for Remus. It could count for an apology and things could go back to normal. Thoughts coursed through Sirius’ head, causing a dull pound that just increased his agitation. Everything was just so messed up.
And it was all Sanpe’s fault. It always came back to that. It always came back to him. If Snape had never existed, things would still be perfect. Nell would be there, and Addie would still be his. The halls of Hogwarts would be free of one more Slytherin that sullied the reputation of the school.
He wished there was something he could do. The common room was empty on such a beautiful day, and Sirius sat upside-down in the best armchair, his head dangling off the edge of the seat. The world looked more interesting when it was upside down. He didn’t even remember moving to sit upside-down, but when he realized how he was sitting, he nearly laughed out loud. He flipped around and sat sideways in the seat, legs flopped over the arm rest. Being back upright, the headache slowly faded, though so did his brief moment of bliss. His scowl returned with guilt, anger at himself for the way he was treating his friends. They deserved better than him.
His thoughts fell back to Remus, trapped in the Shrieking shack. He felt even worse when he remembered that he’d destroyed some of the furniture in the shack that the wolf would distract himself with rather than attacking his own body. Sirius groaned, way to make things even worse for Remus.
He could always just get him something else to chew on… but what? He could go to the Room of Requirement… The room would surely know what he needed. He could ask for something for a wolf to entertain himself with, and then bring whatever it is to the Shrieking Shack. Sirius settled on this decision, pretending that spending the night with Remus wasn’t even an option.
He pushed himself out of the chair and walked out of the common room, headed directly towards the Room of Requirement, thinking about what the room could possibly come up with for Remus to play with. He grinned at the thought of the wolf, slobbering on a giant hippogriff chew toy, or protectively licking an oversized bone. The image was so wonderful; he did everything he could to ignore the fact that the wolf is not so easily tamed.
The grin was wiped immediately from his face, as he passed through a group of Slytherins leaving a classroom. He bumped shoulders with a tall boy, who immediately turned around, wand pointed directly at Sirius. Severus Sanpe stood, scowling before him. Sirius moved for his wand, imagining the way he’d make Snape hurt, as though the Willow had gotten to him, rather than just a classmate. His hand stopped short and soon as the Whomping Willow passed through his mind. Why not let the Willow do the beating? Or better yet, a werewolf?
It would be perfect. It would mean revenge from every end of the spectrum. If Snape never got past the Whomping Willow, it would be revenge on Addie, who blamed Nell’s bruises on the Willow, let the very tree hurt the boy she’d chosen over Sirius. If he found his way to the Shrieking Shack, it would be his own revenge, showing Snape the physical pain to mirror the emotional torment he’d caused. And it would be the ultimate revenge for Remus: to be able to break Snape and hurt him for everything he’d done to Nell, and he wouldn’t be to blame, because the wolf can’t control its actions. A sinister smirk crept across his face as he lowered his hand.
Snape sneered, “Is there a problem, Black?”
“Yes,” Sirius replied, “Yes there is. But we can’t settle it here, Snivellus. Look around you. The halls are crowded and neither of us could do nearly the damage that we’d like.”
Snape’s lips curved into a sinister and crooked smile. “Oh, I could do plenty of damage very quickly, Black.” The huddle of Slytherins surrounding Snape snickered as though the comeback was far cleverer than it had been.
Sirius nearly rolled his eyes at the mindless followers that Snape had. “But wouldn’t it be so much better if you could do it without detention for the remainder of the year?”
Snape’s grin faltered and his looks grew more severe. Sirius’ grin, however, grew. He was buying the bait. “Beneath the Whomping Willow, there is a path. No one knows about it. We’d be untraceable and alone. All you have to do to get to the path is push the knot on the roots of the tree.”
“Tonight?” Snape asked, though it was more of a demand than a question.
“Ten o’clock.”
Snape nearly laughed, “I feel that you have no idea who you are dealing with, considering the desolate spot you’ve picked. You’re nearly signing your own death wish.”
“No Snape, I think it’s you who will be surprised at the wrath you’ve just stepped into.”
With that, Sirius pushed past the crowd and continued down the hall, bypassing the Room of Requirement entirely and took a stroll through the castle halls.