‘Prongs, no!’ Sirius cried from behind me, but I paid no heed to him. I continued striding forward, ignoring him. I heard footsteps from behind me and then some pressure on my shoulder. It was Sirius, trying to make me stop physically. I shrugged off his hand and continued to walk, heading out of the Great Hall and onto the grounds.
Sirius didn’t try to stop me again. He knew it was a fruitless effort. Once I had decided what I wanted to do, nobody could stop me. Well, except a red-headed girl. The girl who refused to have anything to do with me. The girl who thought that I was good for nothing. And I had to prove her wrong. Prove to her that I wasn’t the ‘immature git’ she had always thought me to be. Prove to her that I had more to myself than a reputation of being a prankster. Prove to her that I just didn’t want her, but that I needed her. Because I loved her. She was the one girl I truly cared for, and she rejected me again and again. The one girl I had fallen hard for and she refused to accept me. But I had to try. Try to make her change her mind. Try to make her understand that I did love her and it wasn’t just a teenage infatuation. And for that, I had to keep on asking her out, hoping against all hopes that she would agree. That she would finally see the change in me and learn to love me.
I saw her standing in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch and walked towards her. Hidden behind the bush, I stood watching her. She was twirling around in the wind, thoroughly enjoying herself, smiling. I saw the way her hair blew in the wind, and how she tucked a strand behind her ear. I saw her and wanted to join her and make her happy.
But before I could go to her, I had to plaster my ‘fake-happy-face’, as Sirius had termed it. I couldn’t go and let her see how much it hurt to be alone when I wanted her. I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty in any way. Not even if it meant having to wait for a bit longer. I just wished her to accept the real me, and not just because she felt bad for me.
Conjuring up a grin, I walked towards her. She didn’t see me first, but when she did, she stiffened. I winced.
‘What are you doing over here?’ she asked in a rigid voice.
‘Well, I just wanted to ask you about something, Evans,’ I said smoothly. I had once called her by her name, and she had screamed at me, telling me not to ever take her name again. Of course, now I always called her Evans. I had no wish to hear her humiliate me again.
She ignored me and asked instead, ‘And why weren’t you at Charms class yesterday?’
I was silent for a moment. ‘I overslept,’ I murmured.
‘Ah. Just what was expected from you. Probably passed the whole night drinking Firewhisky,’ she said.
‘No, I wasn’t,’ I said immediately.
‘Sure you weren’t doing that,’ she said sarcastically. ‘Maybe you were up the whole night caring for the sick?’
I looked up at her quickly. Did she know…? Noticing the angry look I realised that she didn’t know. That she didn’t realise how close she was to the truth. I had been with Remus the previous night. It had been the full moon.
‘I was just… doing some important things,’ I said lamely. ‘But what I came to ask you was…’
‘Potter,’ she started angrily, ‘do not ask me whether I want to go out with you next weekend at Hogsmeade because the answer will be a no.’
I was glad that she changed the topic completely. I didn’t want to lie to her. But she had not hit on the nail on the right head. I had come to have a small talk with her… preferably asking her help for the Charms class I had missed the previous day. But since she thought otherwise, I was only happy to play along.
‘Fantastic, Evans!’ I exclaimed. ‘We finally understand each other!’
‘What?’ she asked, looking adorably confused.
‘You already guessed what I wanted to ask you. That is the first step for a relationship,’ I explained, knowing that she would now start shouting.
‘What relationship?’ she snarled.
‘Our relationship.’ I grinned.
‘We don’t have any relationship, Potter. Except one,’ she added.
‘Yes. The one of love,’ I replied seriously.
‘No, Potter. The one of hate. I hate you and you know that. And it’s about time you started to accept it,’ she said trying to keep her voice in check.
‘Honey, you know you love me,’ I insisted willing it to be true.
‘I do not love you, Potter!’ She finally let go of the anger.
‘You’re just in denial, Lily,’ I said softly.
‘I am not in denial,’ she cried.
‘Yes you are,’ I repeated.
‘No I am not.’
Saying this, she turned her back on me and started running towards the castle.
I let my facade drop. She had rejected me. Again.
Suddenly, I felt as if someone was watching me. I turned around to see Sirius walking towards me.
‘Prongs…,’ he started as he reached me.
‘Don’t say “I told you so”,’ I warned him, and turned my back.
‘I wasn’t going to,’ he defended himself. ‘I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, me too,’ I said bitterly, walking straight ahead.
He followed me. ‘Maybe you should just let her go…’ he suggested.
I just shook my head. We had had this conversation way too many times. He had always tried to persuade me to forget about Lily, to move on, to start a new life. But I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want to. I had tried. But in the end, I had given up because I had known that Lily was The One. And so I couldn’t possibly just forget about her. Especially now that we did so many things together and she used to be in front of my eyes all day.
‘Are you sure you can’t?’
‘I love her, Sirius,’ I said quietly. He didn’t even know how true the words were.
‘And I love you as a brother, James,’ he said taking my real name, which showed how serious he was. ‘I just can’t see your face crumple up every time she declines your request of dating her.’ I started saying something by he held up a hand and stopped me, continuing, ‘What I don’t get is why you don’t have a serious talk with her and stop acting as if it doesn’t matter whether she refuses you or not. If you did, she might come to take you seriously.’ He stopped and then said, ‘Are you sure you love her?’
‘You know I love her, I just cover it up with witty remarks,’ I tried to joke.
‘James…’ he started again. This time I raised my hand to stop him.
‘Sirius. I won’t give up. I know that she doesn’t like me, but that doesn’t mean that she will hate me forever. I have changed for her. I won’t let all the hard work go down the drain. I will try my best to make her love me.’
‘And if she doesn’t? If she falls in love with someone else?’ Sirius asked evenly.
‘I’ll leave her,’ I answered in a calm tone even though my heart was in agony just from the thought of it.
‘Just like that?’ Sirius whispered.
‘Yeah. But this isn’t over yet. I can still try,’ I said in a brave tone.
Sirius remained quiet for a few minutes before he looked up and smiled at me. ‘Good luck, mate.’ Sirius wished me sincerely.
‘Thanks, Sirius.’ I smiled.
Merlin knew how much I needed luck. But I did and I would put it in full use of wooing Lily. I couldn’t just sit with my hands on my lap. I loved her with all my heart, and something told me that I would win over her heart. Not now, but some day.
Smiling, I started walking towards the castle with Sirius, thinking that I would wait for that day no matter how long it took.