"Ow!"
The yell rang through Hogwarts’ halls, breaking the silence of night. A few portraits along the walls stirred at the sound, but could not see from where it came.
"Sirius, be quiet or someone will hear,” James muttered from beneath the invisibility cloak.
Sirius was furious. "But you stepped on my foot, you dolt!"
James rolled his eyes. "Sorry, but really, stop shouting. Do you want Filch to catch us?"
"That hurt. What do you expect me to do? Hug you? Anyways, I’m not scared of some cranky old geezer."
"Just come on,” James said, starting to walk again. “We're nearly to the kitchens."
"Good. I'm starving.” Sirius’ stomach growled as if in agreement.
James laughed. "You're always starving."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
A second later, a shot of pain coursed through James' foot. He fell to the ground, slipping out from underneath his invisibility cloak. A resident of a portrait nearby woke. Grumpily, the stout witch reprimanded him for sneaking around the school at night and “disturbing the old folks, you little scoundrel.”
James ignored her and hissed, "What did you do that for?"
Sirius pulled the cloak off of his head so James could see him. "Now look who needs to be quiet." He grinned evilly, not at all sorry for what he'd done, before hiding under the cloak again.
James scowled at the empty air Sirius’ head had occupied a second earlier. He started to get up, but suddenly froze in place. "What was that?"
"What was what?"
"I heard something down the hall." James stood and felt around until his fingers brushed the cloak. He dug into the fabric and yanked it off of Sirius. “Go check it out.”
"You call yourself a Gryffindor?" James gave him a warning look, one that said bad things would happen if Sirius didn’t do what he said. Sirius sighed and slouched off. “Fine. I’m going, I’m going.”
James watched Sirius go around the corner, and an ear-splitting scream cut the quiet night air for the second time. James ran around the corner, expecting to see a terrified First Year girl, but there was only Sirius, staring at a small squirrel about in the middle of the hall.
"Was that you?" James asked.
"No!" Sirius snapped back, his eyes not leaving the squirrel.
"So, it was the squirrel?"
"Er... maybe…."
A smirk began to fight its way onto James’ face. "Are you afraid of that squirrel?"
Slowly, Sirius forced his rigid body to relax. “Of course not,” he insisted tersely. He tore his wide eyes away from the squirrel and attempted to fake calm, but James had known his friend for too long to not notice.
"Ha! You are!” James shook his head in amazement. “After all the years I’ve known you, I would’ve never guessed. Invincible Sirius Black, who plays Quidditch almost as well as I and never runs away from a good fight with a Slytherin, is afraid of squirrels. AND you scream like a girl."
Sirius clenched his fists. “Are you calling me a girl, Prongs?” he snarled in his most menacing voice.
"It's getting closer," James teased.
"JAMES, KILL IT!" Sirius covered his eyes before he could see that James had been lying. He abandoned all pretense of calm.
James folded his arms. "Why should I kill an innocent squirrel for you?"
"Innocent! HA! Just look at the thing! Don't you see that evil glint in his eye?" Sirius pointed a shaking finger at the furry little creature, a maniacal glint in his own eye. The animal, however, was angelic in the pale moonlight. Its fur glowed silver, and its tiny black eyes glistened, completely devoid of an evil spark. It was adorable enough to make even McGonagall swoon.
James resisted the urge to cuddle the little creature. There were more important, manly things that needed to be done, like making sure Sirius didn’t get them both detention. “Will you shut up?” he said impatiently. “Someone's going to hear you. Let's just go."
"No! You have to kill it! It'll bother me knowing that that beast is roaming the castle!"
James cocked an eyebrow. "Since when are squirrels beasts?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "Okay… it all started when “”
“Oh boy, here we go….” James rolled his eyes.
Sirius ignored him and continued, taking on a dramatic, theatrical tone, “One summer day, long ago, I took a nap under the old oak tree at my family’s house. The sun warmed the air, and a slight breeze ruffled my stunning hair.” Suddenly, he stopped to rub his locks. He closed his eyes with a happy sigh.
Fighting back a laugh, James snapped Sirius out of his reverie with a hard poke. "What?" Sirius questioned, sulky from being interrupted.
"Uh... the story?"
“Oh, yeah.” He took a moment to remember the details. “Well, like I said I was sleeping, completely oblivious to my surroundings. I can even recall still what I was dreaming.” He chuckled. "I had detonated dungbombs in all of Regulus' toys and was watching him cry, when suddenly I was on the floor. He was jumping on top of my chest… chattering.”
“You mean he was talking?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, James," he said exasperatedly. “He was chattering. There’s a difference. It was then that I woke up... and.…" It almost seemed to James that Sirius began to hyperventilate. After having some time to calm down, Sirius continued reluctantly, "I saw... a squirrel sitting on my chest, covered in matted, brown hair and with the darkest, coldest eyes you've ever seen!" Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head to rid the image from his mind. “Its nose twitched only three inches from my own. In an instant, I jumped to my feet and threw the thing off of me. It charged towards me as soon as it hit the ground. Still in shock, I didn’t move fast enough. Before I knew what was happening, it leapt onto my shoe and slipped into the leg of my trousers. The sharp claws dug into my skin. I can still remember the pain from its climb up my leg.” Sirius winced. “I ran in circles, trying to kick the squirrel out, but nothing worked. I eventually tripped on a tree root and fell. The squirrel immediately ran out of my trousers. I rolled over on the ground, relieved that the nightmare was over, but then, an acorn hit me square in the forehead. Another squirrel sat in the oak’s branches above my head, mocking me. I dashed straight to the backdoor, not wasting a second to get to safety!"
James simply stared, his mouth agape. He was flabbergasted. Sirius assumed it meant he had finally convinced his friend how dangerous squirrels could be.
"It was going to attack me like the first one did! I'm sure of it. Probably would've taken my nose if it could." Sirius touched his nose with his fingertips, no doubt imagining what a face without a nose would look like. A wizard without a nose could frighten an entire country from even mentioning his name.
James did not reply. Instead, he unexpectedly collapsed on the floor laughing.
The Black Marauder couldn't believe his eyes. "What are you laughing for? I'm telling you, that squirrel was about to lunge for my face!"
Amid gasps of laughter, James managed to ask sarcastically, "You really think a squirrel would do that?"
"The first one mauled my leg, didn’t it? I still have the scars to prove it! Who knows what else a squirrel is capable of, James?" Pointing to the poor little squirrel on the ground in front of them again, he added, "Have you ever met a squirrel? They could all be rabid, for all you know. They’re just waiting for the chance at fresh meat!"
"Fresh meat?" James rolled on the ground, holding his stomach.
"I bet that one has the same plans." Sirius glared suspiciously at the animal. Its nose twitched. Sirius stumbled backwards, almost tripping over James’ writhing form.
James was turning blue in the face from a lack of oxygen. "Yes, it's on the hunt for blood! Ha!"
Diverting his attention from the squirrel, Sirius snapped, "Hey! Don't mock me!"
Suddenly, a serious expression swept onto James’ face. He stood up from the ground. "Hay is for horses, Sirius."
Sirius rolled his eyes. Obviously, James was not to be convinced.
"Cute story, Black," said a familiar voice from behind the boys.
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Story Notes:
S.S.S.S. started as a round-robin story between my friend, Bailey, and I. We have never-ending thanks to Lyra (Lyratearsx) and Sitara (voldy_mort) for having the patience to beta our random fanfic.