~
The Marauders stumbled down the cold hallway under James’ invisibility cloak. Their feet were still visible below the flapping edge, so they kept to the shadows. They had been lucky so far to miss any teachers, ghosts, or prefects.
“Here. Let’s check this one,” James whispered, tugging the others toward an open doorway. Faint torchlight shone from the dungeon onto the stone floor. As soon as they entered the room, they knew it was the right one.
“I could’ve heard your stomping feet coming from a kilometer away,” a voice sneered from the dark corner. The Marauders didn’t need to see Snape’s face to recognize him.
James pulled the invisibility cloak off, revealing all four of them.
“And you brought the whole gang,” Snape continued. “How predictable.”
Sirius pointed his wand at Snape’s greasy nose and growled, “I’ll show you what’s predictable.”
Before Sirius could cast the hex, Remus slapped a hand over his mouth and swatted down his wand arm. Glowing sparks shot out the end of his wand and fizzled on the stone floor.
Snape smirked with confidence. “You wouldn’t dare harm me, any of you.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Remus said. He tightened his hold on Sirius’ arm. “I’d put my money on this one if I were a gambling man.”
Snape’s face hardened at the threat. “You wouldn’t dare as long as I know Black’s secret.”
“Well, we could fix that,” James said, twirling his wand between his fingers.
Sirius jerked away from Remus’ muffling hand over his mouth. “Just one quick ‘Obliviate’ is all it’d take,” he spat.
“Remus, you pay attention in Charms, right?” James asked, turning his head to watch Remus struggle with restraining Sirius. Peter wisely backed into the doorway for a quick escape if necessary. He didn’t want to stay in the same room as them if an angry Sirius got loose.
“I’d rather not at the moment, considering….” Remus glared at Sirius as he tried for another lunge at Snape. “A little help would be appreciated, though.” He moved his glare onto James.
He took the cue and grabbed Sirius’ free arm. “You’ve had your time to goad, Snape. Why don’t you just tell us what it is you want?” said James.
His words seemed to pop Snape’s bubble of confidence. Snape immediately was on edge, nervously chewing his bottom lip. “You have to do whatever I want now.” The Marauders showed no sign that they had heard him. Snape avoided their eyes and whispered, “I want you to teach me how to… charm girls.”
Sirius stopped resisting Remus and James and burst out laughing, guffawing loudly at the request. James hoped the sound wouldn’t carry to the rest of the school and bring a curious teacher. Thankfully, Sirius quickly ended the spate. With a grin on his lips, he said, “You may be a hopeless case, Snivellus, but you’ve come to the best in charming girls. I’ll do it.”
A disturbing smile spread across Snape’s pale face. Sirius had the sudden desire to take back his words, but it was too late. “Good,” Snape remarked, his smile growing ever wider. “The best teaching tool is that of a good model, correct? Then, the best thing now would be for you to show me yourself.”
“Perfect. I’ve got a date right after we’re done here.”
“No, no, I’m afraid that won’t work.” A flash of irritation crossed Sirius’ expression. “It has to be a harder challenge than that, Black, such as “ oh… say Agnes Clark?”
“WHAT?” Sirius shouted.
“The gossip?” Remus questioned.
“The most annoying girl in the entire school?” Peter exclaimed.
“The one who slipped Sirius love potion in Third Year?” James gasped.
Breaking free from Remus and James, Sirius threw his hands into the air. “The one with the mole on her nose?”
“The very same,” Snape gloated.
“She spread a rumor that I was a vampire,” Remus said.
“Don’t forget the time when she told every girl that I sleep with a teddy bear,” put in Peter.
“And the big, fat mole,” Sirius repeated.
James ignored him and remarked to Peter, “That’s because you do sleep with a teddy, Peter. But what about when she used to sit with us at every meal just to talk to Sirius?”
Remus clenched his fists. “I don’t dislike many, but I loathe that girl.”
“The MOLE!”
“You mentioned that, Black.” Snape shook his head, joy plain on his face. “No, it has to be Agnes Clark. None other.”
“No, no, no. This won’t work,” Sirius continued to protest. “I already serenaded McGonagall today. Just take that for an example instead. That’s enough confessing of love for at least the next three months!”
Snape grinned wider. “I’ll expect you to make your move tomorrow morning. Be sure to express your undying love. I’ll be watching.” With nothing more to say, like a snake, he slipped past the four Marauders out the dungeon door.
~
A loud groan woke Remus, Peter, and James. A louder moan followed soon after.
“Is there a dog dying in here?” Peter mumbled from his bed.
James yanked the curtains around his bed open and jammed on his glasses. A large black dog lay on Sirius’ bed. Its doleful eyes looked empty of all hope.
“Sirius, you’re sure lucky no one else sleeps in this room or else they’d see you there,” James grumbled to the dog.
The dog turned its eyes onto James and glared as best as a dog could before transforming into Sirius Black. “At least a dog doesn’t have to confess love for Agnes Clark,” he said.
“So, you’re going to do it, then?” asked Remus.
“I don’t have much choice, do I?” He looked to Remus as if hoping his friend would suddenly devise a cunning plan to get him out of the humiliating situation.
Peter stretched his back. “Well, you better do it like a Marauder, like James. Do it with style.” He jumped to his feet on the bedspread. “Jump on the breakfast table and serenade Agnes like there’s no tomorrow!”
Sirius didn’t move a muscle except to set a menacing glare on the offender. “One more word, pipsqueak, and I’ll throttle you,” he growled through his teeth. Peter instantly sat down and stared at the ground, his cheery morning attitude quenched.
“You’re a friendly puppy, today,” James dared to say and quickly received the glare. “Don’t look at me like that, Sirius. Pete’s got a point. You might as well make the most of this and have fun with it. If you want, I could give you some tips from when I’ve told Lily of my love.”
Sighing, Sirius gave up his glare. “No, thanks. I don’t want to make this any bigger than it has to be. I’ll just say what I have to say and be done with it.”
“A wise decision, Padfoot,” Remus remarked. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“Aw, thanks so much, Moony,” Sirius replied sarcastically before pulling on a clean shirt. “I don’t do stupid things all the time, you know.”
Remus smiled. “Just most of it.”
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Chapter Notes: I am not J.K. Rowling. I do not own Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, Snape, or a large black dog. I did, however, write this chapter with the much-appreciated help of MadEyeMaddy.