~
“Wait!”
Snape turned at James’ shout. “What are you doing here?” he hissed, crouched near the opening to Remus’ shack. “Come to stop me?”
“And save your life or whatever,” James added with a shrug.
“Save my life? What are you on about?”
“Thought I’d try something new, you know? You can greet the hungry werewolf in there if you want but it won’t be pretty.”
Snape’s eyes widened. “A werewolf?”
“Yes! Congratulations on picking that up.” James paused to throw back his shoulders and stand a little straighter. “Don’t worry. The professional’s here and has the situation under control.”
A growl interrupted his confident speech.
“What’s that smell?” Snape whispered.
“Which one?” James asked back. “I’m wearing a very nice cologne my mum gave me. Your hair, on the other hand, smells like a dead rodent.”
Snape decided to ignore the obvious insult. “No. It smells like… blueberries.”
James rolled his eyes. “Oh, that. Peeves barraged me with muffins on my way here to rescue you. Some of ‘em might’ve been blueberry.”
“Did you know the one thing werewolves crave more than fresh meat is blueberries?”
In the shack, Remus stopped chewing a chair leg and sniffed the air.
“Aiiiiwoooah!” he howled.
James pointed his wand down the tunnel to Hogwarts. “Um… I would suggest you run now.”
“Good idea,” Snape muttered and, without looking back, slithered into the darkness.
“Creeepyyy…” James shuddered and aimed his wand at the shack’s entrance. “Protego!”
A moment later, Remus came sniffing into view and bounded towards James. He promptly bounced off the charmed shield like a tennis ball against a wall. Except this tennis ball was furrier and more fanged.
“That should hold you for a while,” James mused and politely bowed to the now-enraged werewolf before following after the snake-like Snape.
~
James chased Snape all the way back to Hogwarts, pestering him about keeping Remus’ secret.
“And if you don’t,” he added, “I’ll “ I’ll scourgify your face!”
But James realized he didn’t need to worry as soon as they entered the castle. Dumbledore waited before the doors in a squashy lounge chair.
“Ah, there you are,” he said softly. “I just had a fascinating chat with Peeves and thought I’d stay here to see your return.”
“Thank goodness!” James exclaimed. “I told Snape he can’t say anything about Remus. You tell him. Tell him he’ll be kicked out if he does.”
Snape pushed in front of James for Dumbledore’s attention. “Me kicked out? Sirius Black is the one who should be expelled. He tried to kill me! And Potter here was probably in on it, too.”
Dumbledore smiled sagely (and perhaps with a hint of senility) as the two fought to tell their version of the story. “Well, the best place to begin is always the beginning. Why don’t you try that and take turns?”
James and Snape did their best. By the end, Dumbedore was nodding along (still looking slightly out of touch with reality).
“Now everything is clear,” he said. “You have both risked your lives tonight as well as broken curfew. That was very irresponsible. Severus, you now know Remus’ poor condition. I trust you will understand why it is important it remains a secret. Will you promise to not share tonight’s events with anyone else?”
Snape gritted his teeth. “I swear, Professor.”
Dumbledore smiled and clapped his hands. “Good! As for you, James, I know you would have told someone else by now if you intended to. For keeping Remus’ secret and displaying uncommon bravery to save a fellow student, I grant you fifty points for Gryffindor.”
“Fifty?” the two shouted. James did a small dance. Snape insisted Dumbledore change his mind.
But Dumbledore would not be convinced otherwise. “Off to bed,” he said. “I have a sudden appetite for blueberry muffins and must check if the house elves have any in the kitchen.”
Snape glared at James as Dumbledore walked away. James grinned back.
“You can thank me now for saving your life.”
“You only wanted to save yourself from trouble,” Snape hissed and headed for the dungeons. “Tomorrow, Black’s secret goes public.”
James shook his head and left for his own dormitory. Sirius waited there with an unconscious Peter and, despite the night’s events, Remus couldn’t be left alone to chew on chair legs while locked in his shack. With a werewolf to look after, James decided to wait until morning to tell Sirius Snape’s threat. They collapsed on their beds just after dawn to the tune of Peter’s heavy snores.
~
“So, what is the plan, mate?”
The Marauders minus Remus were walking to breakfast. Of course, a mere hour of sleep did not contribute to Sirius’ mood.
“Plan? There’s a plan?” Sirius shouted, stopping in the hall. “Snape r13; nasty, dirty Snivellus r13; is going to reveal my secret to the whole school! My life is ruined!”
“Oh, come on, don’t say you didn’t see this coming. He was bound to let the cat out of the bag eventually.”
“There’s a cat?” Sirius shouted louder still.
Peter sighed and tugged on his sleeve, pulling Sirius along to breakfast. “We tried everything else, Padfoot, but your secret’s getting out one way or another.”
“The question is,” interrupted James, “whether you’d rather have Snape tell it r13; and suffer the humiliating consequences r13; or do it yourself and suffer the possibly even worse consequences but at least give the rest of us a good laugh.”
“You can’t be serious,” said Sirius stiffly.
“Of course not. You’re Sirius.”
The other Marauders ignored James’ old joke.
“Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think,” Peter put in hopefully.
They entered the Great Hall a few minutes later. Sirius glanced around and thought there looked to be more students than usual at breakfast. He followed his friends to some of the few empty seats at the Gryffindor table.
Before he could sit, James nudged him in the side. “Better get it over with, Padfoot. No better time than the present, eh?”
Peter nodded along with a broad grin.
Gritting his teeth, Sirius took the advice and stood on the wooden bench. He looked to the Slytherin table from his new height. Snape watched him with narrowed eyes and frowned, waiting to see what would happen.
“Attention, Hogwarts!” Sirius bellowed to the hall. “I have an announcement!”
Startled students stopped their conversations and turned around in their seats. The teachers present at the head table looked up from their food. Professor McGonagall stood up, ready to swiftly escort Sirius from the hall if he began another ballad. Sirius ignored her. Satisfied he had everyone’s attention, he made a snap judgment and kicked aside a bowl of blueberry muffins. He leapt onto the table and raised his arms in the air.
“I, Sirius Black, have an intense fear of squirrels.”
With that, he let his head drop dramatically down to his chest, his arms still aloft, and awaited his audience’s response. The hall was still for a heartbeat and then someone chuckled softly. The laughter spread through the students until the whole hall echoed with hearty amusement. Sirius chanced a peek and let his arms fall when he saw the friendly smiles. James and Peter beamed up at him. Reassured, Sirius sat down between them. At the head table, Professor McGonagall sighed and relaxed. The laughs faded away as students resumed their personal conversations.
Nearby, someone joked, “That Sirius, he’s always saying the most random of things.”
“I know what you mean,” someone else responded. “Like we’re going to believe little squirrels scare the great Sirius Black. No way!”
Sirius stared down the house tables and noticed several of his classmates shaking their heads in disbelief. A tap on his shoulder distracted him. A group of five girls stood behind him. Sirius recognized them as Gryffindor fourth-year friends who liked to sit by the common room windows and giggle.
“We think it was so brave of you to tell everyone your deepest fear,” said one tall brunette, stepping forward. The others nodded and made noises of agreement. Already, more girls from Gryffindor as well as the other houses began to join them. Sirius thought he even saw one sly-eyed Slytherin among the bunch.
“Not many boys are secure enough to show their soft side,” one of the Hufflepuffs sighed.
Some others murmured words like “poor baby” and “sweet cupcake”.
Sirius watched astonished as a slender seventh-year squeezed onto the bench next to him, pushing Peter to the side. With wide eyes, she clutched at his arm.
“Chipmunks terrify me,” she whispered.
Sirius leaned in closer. “We could take a walk sometime. I’d handle the chipmunks if you took out the squirrels for me.”
The girl’s eyes filled with tears. “That sounds romantic,” she sniffed.
The surrounding girls disagreed, each eager to have a bit of the tender-hearted Sirius for herself. Several offered their own protective services. Within minutes, a new Squirrel Pest Elimination Welfare (or more easily remembered as S.P.E.W.) had been formed.
“First meeting next Tuesday!” Sirius called out as the crowd dispersed for classes. Grinning, he turned to James and Peter. “Maybe next week I should tell them about my teddy bear.”
“But you don’t have a teddy bear,” said Peter.
Sirius shrugged. “I could get one. Yours, for instance.”
Next to Sirius, James tore his eyes away from a certain red-head who had not joined the group surrounding his best mate. He wore a smug smile. “Bad move, Sirius. You’d be buried in girls.”
If possible, Sirius’ grin widened. “Maybe I will, then.”
“But what shall we do with our dear friend over there?” James tilted his head towards the Slytherin table where a furious Severus Snape viciously stabbed a sausage into ground pulp. “I’m thinking a simple transfiguration of those old school robes. So plain, you know. Perhaps a girl’s glittering pink dress robes?”
“With lace,” Sirius added,” and frills. Lots of frills.”
“And a bow for the hair?”
“Perfect.”
Sirius' Serious Squirrel Secret by The Scribbler
Chapter Notes: Drumroll please. It’s the final mile of Sirius’ heart pounding journey. Will James stop Snape in time? Will Snape give up the plot-driving secret? Can you stand the suspense?
Chapter Endnotes: Thank you once again to all you loving readers.